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6 Posts
Good Morning All,
I'm a new member here and I just wanted to get some independent opinions on my situation. Thank you in advance for your help. So here goes....
My wife and I met pretty young. I was 19 she was 16. We started off well and enjoyed our first year together very much, but I was in college and went away overseas for 4 months and that caused problems. We worked through them but she did have a fling on a vacation while we were on a "break" from the relationship. I was hurt even though we were on a break, but we got through it.
After 5 years together, we got married. Great marriage for first few years, but she did complain that I made a lot of the decisions about finances, what we do, etc. Had a daughter, who is now 7. Things were ok for the first couple years of my daughters life, I worked a lot and she was still full time also. She complained that I was not the dad I needed to be, I complained I didn't have time cause she spends too much $ and I gotta work to support us. When my daughter was 2 we got pregnant again - with twin boys.
We decided we needed to add on to the house for more room. We moved into my parents basement. It was tolerable for the several months we planned on being there, but just when we were almost done the house burned. Completely. It was devastating. I did what I thought I had to do for my family, which was rebuild better than ever. It was how I coped. It took a year. She was on meds for depression, I was building a house. We were both struggling to do right by all 3 kids, and we were both working full time. It was bad. A tragedy.
Just after we moved into the new house, I found evidence that she was involved in an EA - likely to turn into a PA. Confronted her. She admitted it and ended it. We went to counseling for 6 months. She said I wasn't there when she needed me. I said I was doing what had to be done for our family. I know I needed to be there then for her, and that hurt her deeply. So here we are a few years later.
Married 10 years now, together for 15. Daughter is 7, twins are 5. Wife went part time at work 1.5 years ago to have more time with kids and to herself. Finances are good now. We don't really fight about $, or anything else for that matter. We are still very busy - jobs, kids, family obligations, household obligations, etc. We do have lots of family support from both sides.
Several months ago I realized I needed to do better with my kids because my relationship with them wasn't what it needs to be, so I have been focusing on that heavily and have really made a lot of progress that way. I bought some books like 52 things kids need from their dad, etc. My relationship with them wasn't bad, but it just wasn't as good as it could be. I realized I needed to change so the relationship could change. Things around the house have been going a lot better since I have made these changes. The boys started kindergarten in the September. Life is good, right?
WRONG!!! Just as the kids were about to start school this fall my wife told me she loves me but is not in love with me and needs space. She said she can't live forever with someone she doesn't love and who is too controlling. She said it hasn't been the same since we had those problems a few years back.
I think the biggest problem is relationship neglect. Jobs, kids, household, chores, etc. We have ignored each other. I accepted responsibility for my contribution to the destruction of our relationship and have been actively trying to be more fun, schedule dates, make sure she is heavily involved in any decision, be more loving (touching, kissing, etc - that doesn't necessarily have to lead to intimacy).
It doesn't seem to be working. She says she knows that she is the one with the issue at this point. It is on her. She has a wall up - a big one. She sees the changes I have made with the kids and I am currently trying to apply those same ideas to our relationship, but she doesn't think it is genuine. I have read divorce busting and a couple books by John Gottman. I am implementing some of their ideas.
She has been in counseling for the last month and a half and I went to the session last Friday. I love her deeply, and am willing to do almost anything to make this work. She is still in the house and hasn't really talked about leaving. It only came up once because the counselor told her about another couple she is working with that is separated. She said she wants to work it out, but doesn't know if she can ever feel "that" way about me again.
I believe also that she is depressed. She had another individual session yesterday. The counselor said she will get her to the doc that works in the practice for some meds. In the past though she was inconsistent about taking them. She has withdrawn not just from me, but her parents, brother, etc. The counselor and she also discussed that we should not be intimate until this is resolved one way or the other.
I have made legitimate positive changes and am making more. She says she wants this to work, but I am not seeing the effort there (example: she gave me paper with some questions on it the counselor wanted us both to bring to our joint session last Friday, I brought mine with a laundry list of good answers as to what our relationship foundation is that we can continue to build on...she "forgot" her paper. Along with her wedding rings that always seem to be "forgotten" at home anymore.)
At this point, I just don't know what to do. It's not like she left physically, but I don't think she is mentally/emotionally engaged in either improving herself or our relationship. I don't know how to proceed. From a Gottman perspective, what we need is more positive interaction, engagement and relationship building. DB seems to advocate giving her space and chill out. Should I just back off? Give her time and space?
One more thing, I have no evidence of any third party in this picture.
Thanks for your input.
BDA
I'm a new member here and I just wanted to get some independent opinions on my situation. Thank you in advance for your help. So here goes....
My wife and I met pretty young. I was 19 she was 16. We started off well and enjoyed our first year together very much, but I was in college and went away overseas for 4 months and that caused problems. We worked through them but she did have a fling on a vacation while we were on a "break" from the relationship. I was hurt even though we were on a break, but we got through it.
After 5 years together, we got married. Great marriage for first few years, but she did complain that I made a lot of the decisions about finances, what we do, etc. Had a daughter, who is now 7. Things were ok for the first couple years of my daughters life, I worked a lot and she was still full time also. She complained that I was not the dad I needed to be, I complained I didn't have time cause she spends too much $ and I gotta work to support us. When my daughter was 2 we got pregnant again - with twin boys.
We decided we needed to add on to the house for more room. We moved into my parents basement. It was tolerable for the several months we planned on being there, but just when we were almost done the house burned. Completely. It was devastating. I did what I thought I had to do for my family, which was rebuild better than ever. It was how I coped. It took a year. She was on meds for depression, I was building a house. We were both struggling to do right by all 3 kids, and we were both working full time. It was bad. A tragedy.
Just after we moved into the new house, I found evidence that she was involved in an EA - likely to turn into a PA. Confronted her. She admitted it and ended it. We went to counseling for 6 months. She said I wasn't there when she needed me. I said I was doing what had to be done for our family. I know I needed to be there then for her, and that hurt her deeply. So here we are a few years later.
Married 10 years now, together for 15. Daughter is 7, twins are 5. Wife went part time at work 1.5 years ago to have more time with kids and to herself. Finances are good now. We don't really fight about $, or anything else for that matter. We are still very busy - jobs, kids, family obligations, household obligations, etc. We do have lots of family support from both sides.
Several months ago I realized I needed to do better with my kids because my relationship with them wasn't what it needs to be, so I have been focusing on that heavily and have really made a lot of progress that way. I bought some books like 52 things kids need from their dad, etc. My relationship with them wasn't bad, but it just wasn't as good as it could be. I realized I needed to change so the relationship could change. Things around the house have been going a lot better since I have made these changes. The boys started kindergarten in the September. Life is good, right?
WRONG!!! Just as the kids were about to start school this fall my wife told me she loves me but is not in love with me and needs space. She said she can't live forever with someone she doesn't love and who is too controlling. She said it hasn't been the same since we had those problems a few years back.
I think the biggest problem is relationship neglect. Jobs, kids, household, chores, etc. We have ignored each other. I accepted responsibility for my contribution to the destruction of our relationship and have been actively trying to be more fun, schedule dates, make sure she is heavily involved in any decision, be more loving (touching, kissing, etc - that doesn't necessarily have to lead to intimacy).
It doesn't seem to be working. She says she knows that she is the one with the issue at this point. It is on her. She has a wall up - a big one. She sees the changes I have made with the kids and I am currently trying to apply those same ideas to our relationship, but she doesn't think it is genuine. I have read divorce busting and a couple books by John Gottman. I am implementing some of their ideas.
She has been in counseling for the last month and a half and I went to the session last Friday. I love her deeply, and am willing to do almost anything to make this work. She is still in the house and hasn't really talked about leaving. It only came up once because the counselor told her about another couple she is working with that is separated. She said she wants to work it out, but doesn't know if she can ever feel "that" way about me again.
I believe also that she is depressed. She had another individual session yesterday. The counselor said she will get her to the doc that works in the practice for some meds. In the past though she was inconsistent about taking them. She has withdrawn not just from me, but her parents, brother, etc. The counselor and she also discussed that we should not be intimate until this is resolved one way or the other.
I have made legitimate positive changes and am making more. She says she wants this to work, but I am not seeing the effort there (example: she gave me paper with some questions on it the counselor wanted us both to bring to our joint session last Friday, I brought mine with a laundry list of good answers as to what our relationship foundation is that we can continue to build on...she "forgot" her paper. Along with her wedding rings that always seem to be "forgotten" at home anymore.)
At this point, I just don't know what to do. It's not like she left physically, but I don't think she is mentally/emotionally engaged in either improving herself or our relationship. I don't know how to proceed. From a Gottman perspective, what we need is more positive interaction, engagement and relationship building. DB seems to advocate giving her space and chill out. Should I just back off? Give her time and space?
One more thing, I have no evidence of any third party in this picture.
Thanks for your input.
BDA
