Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
101 - 120 of 133 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,024 Posts
Who cares how quickly after (notice I say after--there's no proof otherwise) she hopped into someone else's bed?! She was done, done, done.

Y'all are some judgy McJudgersons.

To the OP:

That you thought so little of your marriage when you knew you were full-on sexting, yet insist you two were "joking" would be reason enough for me to leave you, let alone the actual deed!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,225 Posts
I’m not speculating whether she has or has not been having an affair with OM.

Just pointing out that millions and millions of people have not altered their lifestyles or changed their habits and activities one bit due to covid.

HIV/AIDS, HPV, gonorhea, syphilis, clamydia, herpes etc are well established and part of the landscape for decades to millennia and people still have unprotected sex when they screw around so some new emergent cold that millions of people don’t even believe is real isn’t going to stop anyone.
You missed the point. In a lot of places, there is no dining in or bars open or entertainment options for a date. No movie theaters etc. One member meeting her on-line suitor actually sat down in the garden section of a grocery store and made out with the guy - that's how bad entertainment options are in some areas.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,297 Posts
You missed the point. In a lot of places, there is no dining in or bars open or entertainment options for a date. No movie theaters etc. One member meeting her on-line suitor actually sat down in the garden section of a grocery store and made out with the guy - that's how bad entertainment options are in some areas.
Sounds like she went right to his house. Traditional entertainment venues not necessary.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,181 Posts
That some of us can be downright vindictive when pushed. :devilish: And it's HIGHLY possible that the OP's wife wants VERY badly to show everyone at work that she's not home crying into her beer while continually pulling on the chain light switch of her bedroom lamp, turning it on and off like Glen Close.
Of course you're right SSGI. I've met a few in my time that did from what you did to selling their cheating spouse $20k boat for $$2,500 dollars. You sound like you had a belly full of your ex's blatent non-sense. If he'd limited his activities to a few emails, with attachments, its doesn't sound like you'd been seeking revenge via one of the firehouse boys. Am I wrong thinking if that'd been the case, you'd put humpty dumpty back together after giving him a little azz kicking and a stern warning not to repeat his "misdemeanors". BTW, lucky fireman.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,216 Posts
We do not know any facts other than what the OP tells us but I do admit that we sometimes arrive at conclusions based on past experience or patterns of activity that we have seen. Lets get what we know (based on what we have been told) down in a list here:

  • The OP spends a year exchanging flirty texts with an old woman that he is not attracted to in any way. No pictures, never while at home, and no intention of taking it further. Hardly sexting, without pictures etc.

  • The OP gets fired for doing this although the old woman does not.

  • The OP explains very clearly that he is sorry, nothing else happened, no pics and that he wants to work on making it right with his wife.

  • The wife kicks OP out of the house and when he tries to come back, physically attacks him.

  • The wife wants separation leading to divorce. We do not know if she was "embarassed" by his texts or what else was at play here.

  • Within a week of doing this she is going to another co-workers house (no need for public areas to have an affair or date, straight to his house and might I suggest, not to play chess).

  • The OP wants to fight for his marriage and is asking our advice on how to achieve this.
I cannot understand how nothing seems odd or fishy about the wife's behaviour to others here. If you are in a committed loving relationship, you do not let flirty texts (no pics, no real sexting) end your marriage and you certainly do not screw another man straight away as revenge - revenge for what exactly? This is not an eye for an eye. It would be more like a whole body organ for a toenail !!!

So what can we infer:

She is probably visiting this man's house for sex.
This has either been going on for a lot longer OR she is quite an immoral uncaring person.
There have probably been other problems or issues in the marriage.
If there were problems they were not properly addressed - instead eventually it ended with the wife sleeping with another man and the OP sending flirty texts.

Once again, as I have said before, the OP needs to find out if there is anything worth saving here (he seems to think there is) and to do that he needs the truth and facts. Then comes a ton of other work.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,297 Posts
Anyway, my point?

That some of us can be downright vindictive when pushed. :devilish: And it's HIGHLY possible that the OP's wife wants VERY badly to show everyone at work that she's not home crying into her beer while continually pulling on the chain light switch of her bedroom lamp, turning it on and off like Glen Close. Maybe she's all about saving face and has decided this is the way she's going to do it.

Just sayin'.
I don't think anyone is questioning that revenge F's are a thing or that people don't get really angry and vindictive.

But my question to you is, if your H's only offense was sending flirty txts and sophomoric nudy GIFs to some 20 years older woman (who we assume is no Jenifer Aniston or J-Lo) and you had an otherwise stable and healthy relationship - would you have immediately moved out and called up your sexy fireman calendar boi?

by your own admission your X was a career skirt chaser and serial cheater and the town knew about it but yet you stayed for a long time despite his antics. I'm presuming you didn't move out and bang the nozzle man upon the first discovery of flirty texts. Yes, you reached your breaking point and took action, but did you go to the nuclear option the moment you discovered flirty txts?

If she's "saving face" by hit'n it with the OM, then I certainly hope there is more to this story for her own sake, because if she packed up and moved out and is banging Gary from accounting because her H sent some pervy txts to someone old enough to be his mother, then she's the one that likely to get more raised eyebrows and tongue-clicks and head shakes from the gossipy old ladies at work.

There's likely more to this story that either the OP is not telling us or that he himself is not aware of.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,337 Posts
We do not know any facts other than what the OP tells us but I do admit that we sometimes arrive at conclusions based on past experience or patterns of activity that we have seen. Lets get what we know (based on what we have been told) down in a list here:

  • The OP spends a year exchanging flirty texts with an old woman that he is not attracted to in any way. No pictures, never while at home, and no intention of taking it further. Hardly sexting, without pictures etc.

  • The OP gets fired for doing this although the old woman does not.

  • The OP explains very clearly that he is sorry, nothing else happened, no pics and that he wants to work on making it right with his wife.

  • The wife kicks OP out of the house and when he tries to come back, physically attacks him.

  • The wife wants separation leading to divorce. We do not know if she was "embarassed" by his texts or what else was at play here.

  • Within a week of doing this she is going to another co-workers house (no need for public areas to have an affair or date, straight to his house and might I suggest, not to play chess).

  • The OP wants to fight for his marriage and is asking our advice on how to achieve this.
I cannot understand how nothing seems odd or fishy about the wife's behaviour to others here. If you are in a committed loving relationship, you do not let flirty texts (no pics, no real sexting) end your marriage and you certainly do not screw another man straight away as revenge - revenge for what exactly? This is not an eye for an eye. It would be more like a whole body organ for a toenail !!!
I agree with you on this. What @Fatherofoneson did was wrong. But what his wife is doing is wrong as well. I don't think she just suddenly decided to jump in bed with some other guy.

There are dozens of threads on TAM in which the consensus is that revenge affair are not ok. They are still affairs. But suddenly it's ok? It's not. It's still adultery.

So what can we infer:

She is probably visiting this man's house for sex.
This has either been going on for a lot longer OR she is quite an immoral uncaring person.
There have probably been other problems or issues in the marriage.
If there were problems they were not properly addressed - instead eventually it ended with the wife sleeping with another man and the OP sending flirty texts.

Once again, as I have said before, the OP needs to find out if there is anything worth saving here (he seems to think there is) and to do that he needs the truth and facts. Then comes a ton of other work.
My bet is that she's been cheating for a while now and his sexting thing gave her what she thinks is a perfect excuse to be open with her affair. @Fatherofoneson do some investigating. Look at phone records and see if there are a lot of phone calls between your wife and this guy going back in time. The truth is always relevant.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,337 Posts
@Fatherofoneson

You need to move back into your family home. Your wife cannot kick you out, that's your legal residence. See a lawyer and find out your rights

If she hits you again or physically attacks you in any way, call the police. That's domestic violence.

Do some investigation/snooping and try to find out how long her affair has actually been going on. My bet is that both of you were doing your own things for a while.

Now your question about whether or not your marriage can be saved. Yes it can . I know, I know a lot of our members are saying that she's clearly done and a lot of other negativity. But I've seen couples rebuild even after doing each other horribly wrong. It takes two and it takes a lot of work. But it can be done.

There are some books that lay out a very good path for recovering a marriage after affairs. The first one to read is "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. The book lays out a plan for getting her to end her affair and for working on recovery.

Then, if the two of you do decide to recover your marriage, you both have a lot of work to do. The two books that would help you rebuild your marriage are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order. Do the work they say to do. Then, if your wife decides to join you in recovering your marriage, ask her to read them with you and to do the work together.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,337 Posts
What really sucks is, i still love my wife, alot I know how could I text another woman and love my wife. I made a decision to do what I did, it was a very bad one. Whats strange, and i know most if you wont believe, but i had no feelings for the woman i was texting, she is 20 years older than me and i have determined I was just looking for some kind if attention. I dont have many friends and I thought this woman was one. The talk in our office between 5 or 6 people was always perverted and I let that carry over into these texts. Thats no excuse im just explaining. Its like I disassociated the woman from the texts. I would send a text. Get a reply and laugh. Its like I could have been texting a chatbot and git the same feeling. My choices have ruined my life but I was hoping to wirk through this. What happened is the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. Worst cause I lost my wife, best because it has opened my mind and heart to the person i was, and I will never be that man again.
I've worked places where this goes on between some of the other employees. Some people just enjoy that sort of talk and don't really consider it a sexual turn on. Sometimes the women are worse than the guys.

This was going on between 5 or 6 people at your job? Was any of it in person or was it all texting?

Were all 5 or 6 fired? If not why not? If they were not fired too, then you might very well have a legal case against your employer. Would you mind explaining why the rest of them were not also fired?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,024 Posts
If you are in a committed loving relationship, you do not let flirty texts (no pics, no real sexting) end your marriage and you certainly do not screw another man straight away as revenge - revenge for what exactly? This is not an eye for an eye.
Lol says you. If my H "jokingly" (schyeah right gimme a break) sexted with a coworker of ours FOR A YEAR, I am SO so so out. And, if I feel like getting under to get over, or whatever the reason, THE MILISECOND I declare I'm so done I sure as **** will! That's a year out of our marriage he should've been sexting ME. And guess what? He sure wasn't in a committed, loving relationship with his wife when he was sexting the coworker, was he? Oh. Yeah. They were joking. 🙄

He broke this thing, not her. I am gobsmacked at some of the responses here. Blameshifting and mitigation galore. It's gross.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,216 Posts
Lol says you. If my H "jokingly" (schyeah right gimme a break) sexted with a coworker of ours FOR A YEAR, I am SO so so out. And, if I feel like getting under to get over, or whatever the reason, THE MILISECOND I declare I'm so done I sure as **** will! That's a year out of our marriage he should've been sexting ME. And guess what? He sure wasn't in a committed, loving relationship with his wife when he was sexting the coworker, was he? Oh. Yeah. They were joking. 🙄

He broke this thing, not her. I am gobsmacked at some of the responses here. Blameshifting and mitigation galore. It's gross.
So if your husband sent texts (no pics, no meetups, just racy texts to a much older woman coworker and he did not find her attractive or intend to do anything with her - AND we do not know that OP did not text his wife too), you would go straight ahead to a coworkers house and "get under" so to speak. I would suggest you need to re-examine your commitment to the marriage.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,024 Posts
So if your husband sent texts (no pics, no meetups, just racy texts to a much older woman coworker and he did not find her attractive or intend to do anything with her - AND we do not know that OP did not text his wife too), you would go straight ahead to a coworkers house and "get under" so to speak. I would suggest you need to re-examine your commitment to the marriage.
"Straight ahead to a coworker's house"? Are we reading the same thread? Did people conveniently forget how his W tried to work it out with him initially but decided that she couldn't? So that counts for nothing? That's not "straight to a coworker's house". Even if she didn't try to work it out, that's her right.

And you think I'm going to trust one syllable that comes out of my husband's mouth because he's been lying to me for a year? How do I know he doesn't find her attractive? How do I know what his intentions were? He's lied to me for a year, remember? Doesn't matter if she's "much older". You know as well as I do that people affair down. How do I know they didn't exchange pics or meet up? You think I'm going to take this as fact as you seem to?

And I find it laughable that you're telling me to reexamine my commitment to the marriage when it's my H who was sexting. Yes. SEXTING. That was established early in this thread. I have nothing to reexamine--he does. Do you realize how bass ackwards that sounds?

And what about that TAM mantra that everyone is different? What would break one marriage might not break another's? Why are you condemning her (or my for that matter) choice to leave her/my cheating H? It's not a boilerplate situation. Yet you're treating it as such. It was your initial quote painting this situation with such a wide brush that I disagreed with and now, it's even worse. I'm so disappointed.

I won't tolerate my husband sexting anyone that's not me. And for a year! It's my decision and I can do whatever I want when I decide I'm done and inform him of that fact. I don't have to "reexamine" anything. What you've suggested is so outrageous and offensive.

So don't tell me to reexamine my commitment to my marriage. Why don't You tell my husband to reexamine his commitment to the marriage and while you're at it, lecture him about sexting a coworker for a year when he should've used that 365 days to sext or woo me, his wife?

Let's agree to disagree.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,834 Posts
My man, I hope you understand women enough to realize she ain't showing you the exit because of your horsing around with pictures. And she show nuff ain't warming up her co-workers bed three days after you getting the boot because your actions embarrassed her at work. Women don't roll like that. It ain't "just through [your] stupidity" More likely, your exposure was a godsend to her. It provided her with a perfect excuse to ditch your azz and "take up" with the sexy co-worker that made her wet her pants every time she caught a whiff of his cologne. I hope you've got enough sense to realize if the chick had a high romantic interest in you, your tom foolery with the other dame would have been easily reconcilable. Was it a bone headed mistake to use company resources to tell a female employee you want to f her? Yep, can't get any stupider than that. Did your stupidity cause your future ex wife to jettison you and immediately hook up her hunky co-worker. Naw, you just gave her exactly the gift she needed.
Really? In spite of what the women on the forum are saying, you and some others of the male gender seem to know women better? This is ********. You have heard the term "hell hath no fury than a woman scorned" That wasn't made up for fun, it reflects how women roll when they have reached their limit.

Incidentally, anything we know about the wife is coming from a man who is a cheater, so go figure...............
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,834 Posts
think I'm going to trust one syllable that comes out of my husband's mouth because he's be
If you are in a committed loving relationship, you do not let flirty texts (no pics, no real sexting) end your marriage and you certainly do not screw another man straight away as revenge - revenge for what exactly? This is not an eye for an eye.
The point is, the wife realised she was NOT in a committed loving relationship cause her WH took her for granted by sexting a woman for a YEAR.

It is irrelevant who the woman was, how old and so forth, does she rely on the word of a liar (that is what cheaters are). He wasn't showing any commitment to her or the marriage. So please explain why is it the wife's responsibility to keep things together? Now that he comes running, suddenly she should accept his 'sorry.'?
This is an unfortunate male perspective, in too many marriages, women keep things together in the face of awful, ****ty, unloving behavior but then shock horror when they reach their limit and take action by leaving. Why should she put up with this? If a man was on here telling us that his wife was engaging in sexting for a whole year, the old misogynist brigade would be telling him to kick her to the kerb. One rule for women and one rule for men.
She has a right to make choices. She chooses to leave the marriage, she chooses to **** someone else. Her choices! maybe she got tired of holding **** together with a man (in his own words) who didn't put enough effort into the marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,181 Posts
Really? In spite of what the women on the forum are saying, you and some others of the male gender seem to know women better?
I think if you reread my post you’ll see I’m not picking on the chick. I’m tell him his wife lost interest in him. Unless you’re telling me the women on this site are saying it’s standard for women to go to another mans house three days and times thereafter, what I’m saying is far from BS. I submit most would be devastated finding out their husband get fired for his diddling. They,d have to regain their wits before regular trips to another mans house. Tell me I’m wrong. Would you summarily bang another guy if your SO “sext” another woman?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,216 Posts
It seems to me that many of the females here say they do not trust what the OP is saying - what other info can we possibly know about this case? He is here anonymously for help with repairing his marriage. He could make up all kinds of things - why this particular set of facts? By the same token are we not to believe anything that anyone posts if it triggers us in some way?

I think the only way we can help OP is to start with assuming that he is not lying. If there is missing info we can ask for it. We cannot pick and choose what to believe with no other info to hand.

He moved out and came back. His wife went to counselling with him and then kicked him out. Within a week she started going to this other mans house. Thats what he has told us. He has not said that he spent 365 days sexting another woman instead of his wife. That is just somebody triggering badly.

So ... once again ... screwing another coworker because her husband sent some racy texts (for a year admittedly but without once letting it get to anything more for that whole year) within a week of "trying to work it out" does not make sense in the cold light of day.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,337 Posts
Really? In spite of what the women on the forum are saying, you and some others of the male gender seem to know women better? This is ********. You have heard the term "hell hath no fury than a woman scorned" That wasn't made up for fun, it reflects how women roll when they have reached their limit.

Incidentally, anything we know about the wife is coming from a man who is a cheater, so go figure...............
Yes, everything we know is coming from the OP. But that's all we have to go on. However, we don't have to worry about that now because I doubt the OP will be back. 'So we will not be able to ask for more info. Too bad he was driven off because with a kinder approach he might have received the type of support that would have helped him.

The fact is that we women are not of one hive mind. Each of us behaves in a manner consistent with our character. A lot of women would end up wanting to try to fix their marriage even after finding out that their husband did something wrong. Something like 85% of all marriages in which there is infidelity end up reconciling. Sexting is bad but it is no where near as bad as having actual sex with a live human with two bodies.

What he did is not legally adultery. If she is cheating and actually having sex with another man, that's legally adultery. If his wife is cheating, he will be able to use fault to influence the division of property and alimony. Even many no-fault divorce states still let adultery to be used in determining these aspects of the divorce. Sexting is not legally considered adultery. Having actual sex with someone else is legally adultery.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,024 Posts
Oh So now we're down to defining what adultery is legally? What about the woman whose husband sexted thinks it is?

And the 365 days a year was taking a bit of poetic license. Come on.

I'm normally very quiet about double standards here, but this one takes the cake. I'm out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,225 Posts
It looks like the timeline has gotten muddled. Reread the OP's first post to see that his wife did not immediately start going to another man's house. It's looking more like 2 months after she found out.

It's ridiculous that her actions need defending. Yes; IF she wanted to work on the marriage, she wouldn't have done that. But, guess what, she doesn't! And, that's her right.
 
101 - 120 of 133 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top