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His behavior doesn't merit her leaving him? Really?

His wife is no shrinking violet. She had already moved out twice [reasons?] and then moved back in [promises made?]. She allowed him to move back home and they went to marriage counseling [does that sound like someone who was clapping her hands with glee that she had an excuse to ditch him?] where she determined that she can't get over this. He moved out and she's moving on. She didn't need an excuse to kick him to the curb.

She's done. She's still in counseling where (hopefully) she'll figure out how to fix her broken picker.
 

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Discussion Starter #82
What really sucks is, i still love my wife, alot I know how could I text another woman and love my wife. I made a decision to do what I did, it was a very bad one. Whats strange, and i know most if you wont believe, but i had no feelings for the woman i was texting, she is 20 years older than me and i have determined I was just looking for some kind if attention. I dont have many friends and I thought this woman was one. The talk in our office between 5 or 6 people was always perverted and I let that carry over into these texts. Thats no excuse im just explaining. Its like I disassociated the woman from the texts. I would send a text. Get a reply and laugh. Its like I could have been texting a chatbot and git the same feeling. My choices have ruined my life but I was hoping to wirk through this. What happened is the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. Worst cause I lost my wife, best because it has opened my mind and heart to the person i was, and I will never be that man again.
 

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What really sucks is, i still love my wife, alot I know how could I text another woman and love my wife. I made a decision to do what I did, it was a very bad one. Whats strange, and i know most if you wont believe, but i had no feelings for the woman i was texting, she is 20 years older than me and i have determined I was just looking for some kind if attention. I dont have many friends and I thought this woman was one. The talk in our office between 5 or 6 people was always perverted and I let that carry over into these texts. Thats no excuse im just explaining. Its like I disassociated the woman from the texts. I would send a text. Get a reply and laugh. Its like I could have been texting a chatbot and git the same feeling. My choices have ruined my life but I was hoping to wirk through this. What happened is the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. Worst cause I lost my wife, best because it has opened my mind and heart to the person i was, and I will never be that man again.
Listen brother, I don't want to sound mean or hurt your feelings.

However, what you wrote sounds juvenile and you have a child. Can you begin to see that. Married men do not text/sext or anything else with other woman.

You need to try and figure out WHY you cannot/did not/ and still don't understand why this is wrong.

Are you stuck in a CHILDS Mindset? Are you so clueless you did not understand that it was wrong? You have never been in an adult relationship and you don't know what your are doing?

The things you are saying make ZERO sense to those of us that are adults. Did you not know that you have to pay attention to your wife, not just sexual attention? You have to listen and interact and a whole host of things that you SOME HOW never figured out on your own????

Are you autistic or on the autism spectrum or something?

All of these questions, and I could literally list out about a 100 of them, you need to figure out.

Yeah, you lost your wife. It could have been over your stupid texting affair, or she could have been gone a long time ago. She could have been having an affair with this guy for a while or slept with him the first day you moved out. It make little difference now.

Look, these questions, do you even understand why they are important?

Because every time you post you seem to be in some type of denial, fog, or whatever, that I don't even begin to understand where you are coming from...

Is any of this registering????
 

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Discussion Starter #84
I get it , I do. We had problems long before this but for some reason both of us chose not to address or fix the problems. I wasn't the only one not giving attention. My wife has a whole backstory that I don't need to share. I believe I was missing something from our marriage and so was she. I know what I did was wrong. Im still trying to figure out why I did it as I did not want anything physical from the woman, believe it or not. My actions were childish and immature.That doesn't change what I did, I know that. I'm completely in the wrong. I see stories of couples going through infidelity, surviving and having a better relationship, i wish i was one of those stories. People change, my **** up has changed me, and while it may not be the way i wanted it to happen, it has happened.
And actually married men do this stuff all the time or this forum wouldn't exist. The only denial I am in is loosing my wife, I know she's gone and its my fault, if I would have felt in the past,, the way i do now, I wouldn't be here. Marriage is hard, sometimes it takes work, work i didnt put in. Nothing i can do now but learn from my bad choices and move forward. I would love to reconcile and be the husband I should have been, but thats not my choice.
 

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I actually do believe that you love your wife and that you did something really wrong. All I am questioning is how she managed to go from that to screwing another man in such a short period of time - especially for one who "was no shrinking violet and wanted to try and save her marriage at all costs before". Again I will ask - did you know her AP, were there signs before, was this "relationship" building up over some time ? What does your gut say ?
 

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We had problems long before this but for some reason both of us chose not to address or fix the problems.
THIS is the reason she is leaving. You both didn't address things, this texting just was one straw too many for her, and out the door she went.

You BOTH take the blame for not working on these issues, not just you. Learn from this -- make sure that you never let issues like this in any relationship just fester.
 

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I get it , I do. We had problems long before this but for some reason both of us chose not to address or fix the problems. I wasn't the only one not giving attention. My wife has a whole backstory that I don't need to share. I believe I was missing something from our marriage and so was she. I know what I did was wrong. Im still trying to figure out why I did it as I did not want anything physical from the woman, believe it or not. My actions were childish and immature.That doesn't change what I did, I know that. I'm completely in the wrong. I see stories of couples going through infidelity, surviving and having a better relationship, i wish i was one of those stories. People change, my **** up has changed me, and while it may not be the way i wanted it to happen, it has happened.
And actually married men do this stuff all the time or this forum wouldn't exist. The only denial I am in is loosing my wife, I know she's gone and its my fault, if I would have felt in the past,, the way i do now, I wouldn't be here. Marriage is hard, sometimes it takes work, work i didnt put in. Nothing i can do now but learn from my bad choices and move forward. I would love to reconcile and be the husband I should have been, but thats not my choice.
I should have said married men SHOULD NOT DO this stuff... But what the **** difference does it make at this point for you to bring that up.

See, childish... Deflecting what you did because everyone does it... You did not want anything physical so that WHAT makes it better????

She has issues too so it is not that bad, I am not that bad, bla bla bla…

Listen, for you to grow as a man, you have to be able to spot the **** that comes out of your mouth before you even say it… because it is ******** and meaningless...

Here is an example: She had issues, we did not handle it right... Ok how would you should you have handled it?

Should you have let it go, buried your head in the sand, thrown a hissy fit, had an emotional affair. or SHOULD YOU HAVE SAT HER DOWN Like a man a had a real talk with her.

See what I am doing here, look at YOUR BEHAVIOR... How could you have MADE It better.

So even though you are "Getting it" you don't get it.

You need therapy with some type of life coach or something. You sound like an entitled princess that needs to get straightened out.

You thought that if you got caught you would be ENTITLED to a second chance. No one is entitled to a second chance.

Real question: Was your dad a playboy, or some type of dish rag that took crap off of your mother, or was one of them an alcoholic or something?

You have to start getting REAL with yourself before you are any good to your kids or another partner.

Good luck...
 

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I actually do believe that you love your wife and that you did something really wrong. All I am questioning is how she managed to go from that to screwing another man in such a short period of time - especially for one who "was no shrinking violet and wanted to try and save her marriage at all costs before". Again I will ask - did you know her AP, were there signs before, was this "relationship" building up over some time ? What does your gut say ?
This is what Blondie (I Think) was talking about...

Guys, a woman can give more ***** away quicker that you could buy it if you were a billionaire.

Do you guys not get that. Further, lot and lots of woman may choose to sleep with a guy on the first date, it has happened to me.

And this thing has been going on for a year (discovery of his affair), so she has had plenty of time to decide to dump him.

She could have been screwing the guy for 2 years, 1 year, or 1 week.

It really really does not matter, she is done with him... I think for good.
 

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Yes women jump into bed quickly but that's not the norm. To openly start a relationship with a co-worker days after this blow up with her husband and father of her kid? No, this woman most likely has been seeing this guy for months.

OP, you screwed up with your EA. You may have seen it as harmless flirting but it looks like your STBXW took it as her opportunity to openly monkey branch.

You need to file D and get the custody issue resolved.

There's also a lesson for men. The bias against us is not only in the family court system.
corporate HR will usually come down hard on men and find a way to keep the woman.
Not always the case but I've seen it in real life in a few co. that I've worked at. So men,
DON'T sh.. where you eat.
 

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Yes it does. He needs to know what really went down. Even if it is over, he needs to understand if this was just a way out for her. We have to believe what he writes down, not like some others assume that he was hot and heavy physically with his female coworker. So if we take what he says as the truth, then it does not merit her not only ending the marriage but screwing another co-worker within a few days - this does not make sense. He has already admitted to and apologised for his wrong doing. Maybe its time she did the same.
I think you are looking at this situation as some kind of primary event scenario or that this is actually about the sexting. I also think you are looking at it from a 'save-the-marriage' perspective to one degree or another.

To someone in sound relationship and is a generally faithful person, this will all seem kind of bizarre and one will try to peel back layers and determine who is the original bad guy and assign proper blame. .

But this was obviously a disordered relationship that was on the edge for a long time. She found out about him texting another woman and that was her eject signal.

I think she may have done the same thing if he forgot to flush the toilet after dropping a bomb or didn't pick his dirty underwear on the floor for the last time.

When people are on the edge and have one foot out the door, that final straw can be something very trivial to most people in a sound relationship but to the person with one foot out the door, it is that watershed moment.

For many people that leave and take up with someone else, their first relationship had been dead to them for a long time. They just needed that final push that overcomes the resting inertia.

She may have been screwing that OM for a year or more. Or maybe they happened to run into each at the bar the night she walked out and when he asked what was up she told him her H is a cheating turd and she's looking for a Revenge F---. or it could be anything in between. She is a vagina owner so she can pick up a penis in 15 minutes at Quip Trip if she wants one. This may have been a hot and heavy affair for a long time or she may have sent him a winky emoji via text after she stomped out of the house and told him to meet her in the parking lot behind Applebees.
The reason I say the who's, when's, where's and how manys don't matter now is because they really don't. She has physically separated from him and is hit'n it with another guy and is seemingly moving forward with separation and assumably divorce.

That means he needs to get off his whiney azz and get to an attorney to start getting his legal, financial and child custodial affairs in order so he doesn't lose any more of his money, property and access to his child than legally required.

what this guy's name and shoe size is and when and where they started their little fling doesn't matter when someone is trying to take your house, your retirement funds and your child from you.
 

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I think you are looking at this situation as some kind of primary event scenario or that this is actually about the sexting. I also think you are looking at it from a 'save-the-marriage' perspective to one degree or another.

To someone in sound relationship and is a generally faithful person, this will all seem kind of bizarre and one will try to peel back layers and determine who is the original bad guy and assign proper blame. .

But this was obviously a disordered relationship that was on the edge for a long time. She found out about him texting another woman and that was her eject signal.

That means he needs to get off his whiney azz and get to an attorney to start getting his legal, financial and child custodial affairs in order so he doesn't lose any more of his money, property and access to his child than legally required.

what this guy's name and shoe size is and when and where they started their little fling doesn't matter when someone is trying to take your house, your retirement funds and your child from you.
The condensed TLDR version.
 

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Yes women jump into bed quickly but that's not the norm. To openly start a relationship with a co-worker days after this blow up with her husband and father of her kid? No, this woman most likely has been seeing this guy for months.
That is very possible and if I were forced to place a bet, my bet would be that they have at least been giving each other the nudge-nudge-wink-wink for some time if not already in a hot and heavy affair.

But you can't look at this as what someone in a reasonably sound and healthy relationship would do.

By the time many people actually physically leave, they have been disengaged from the relationship and basically consider the relationship dead for quite some time. Some times even years.

That final straw may seem trivial and maybe even irresponsible and wrong to other people in working relationships, but to them that sneer or that dirty underwear left on the floor or them forgetting to pick up bread and milk on the way home from work is the watershed moment that changed their lives.

Same is true with taking up with other people. To someone in a good, functional relationship, they can't fathom not fighting for the relationship and trying to work through anything but the most flagrant adultery or terrible abuse.

But to someone that has been disengaging for some time that already considers the relationship dead and already has one foot out the door, all it takes is smile and friendly hello.

She may have already been hot and heavy with this dude. But if she were already disengaged and already felt the marriage null and void (which it sounds like she did) This was just the "Ah HAH!" moment and this OM may have simply schmoozed her at lunch the next day.

And if this was a Revenge F on her part, she may have simply shot him a txt as she was leaving the house and told him to book a room at the No-Tel Motel as soon as he could get there.

I'm a 56 year old bald dude with glasses and a bit of a pooch. If my wife packed up and left this weekend, I have full confidence that could have a couple dinner dates by next weekend.

But If we are talking about a younger women that is under 250lbs and showers regularly, she can have a Revenge F or a NSA hook up arranged before sundown.
 

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But If we are talking about a younger women that is under 250lbs and showers regularly, she can have a Revenge F or a NSA hook up arranged before sundown.
...... and if she is over 250lbs, it may take an extra 15 minutes to get signed up on a BBW hook up site or app but I would still keep my money on an arrangement by sundown.
 

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His behavior doesn't merit her leaving him? Really?

He moved out and she's moving on. She didn't need an excuse to kick him to the curb.
Yes she did. She had already done the ILYBINILWY, if not to him, in her mind. But let me use a couple of other phrases to describe the bridge FOOS her from his house to her new boyfriends house;
1. Seizing the opportunity (I think I like this better)
2. The straw that broke the camels back. ( a little weak because I believe in a matter of weeks/month, she'd ditched him anyway.)
Anyways, his shenanigans with the elder spunker gave his wife dang near perfect way out where she could to switch to the new guy without raising a lot of eye brows. I can almost hear the office gossip now, "I don't blame her a bit and Gary is such a hunk. Her husband was carrying on with that old Agnes from the parts department. Ain't no telling how many men she's been involved with over the years."
I'd bet there's not enough money in their town to make his wife undo what happened.
 

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Either way.
Gone is gone...
If blaming her makes it easier to move on so be it.
As long as you get your affairs in order by hiring a lawyer and protecting the rights you have with your son
 

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Yes she did. She had already done the ILYBINILWY, if not to him, in her mind. But let me use a couple of other phrases to describe the bridge FOOS her from his house to her new boyfriends house;
1. Seizing the opportunity (I think I like this better)
2. The straw that broke the camels back. ( a little weak because I believe in a matter of weeks/month, she'd ditched him anyway.)
Anyways, his shenanigans with the elder spunker gave his wife dang near perfect way out where she could to switch to the new guy without raising a lot of eye brows. I can almost hear the office gossip now, "I don't blame her a bit and Gary is such a hunk. Her husband was carrying on with that old Agnes from the parts department. Ain't no telling how many men she's been involved with over the years."
I'd bet there's not enough money in their town to make his wife undo what happened.
? (I want the scratching my head emoticon back dammit. These emoticons are lame.)

Well, no one wants to be married to a moron. One would have to have been living under a rock for the past ten years to not have heard about sexual harassment in the workplace. Yeah, yeah, he thought they were 'friends'. Pffffft.

She didn't need an EXCUSE because she had a REASON.
 

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I think you are looking at this situation as some kind of primary event scenario or that this is actually about the sexting. I also think you are looking at it from a 'save-the-marriage' perspective to one degree or another.

To someone in sound relationship and is a generally faithful person, this will all seem kind of bizarre and one will try to peel back layers and determine who is the original bad guy and assign proper blame. .

But this was obviously a disordered relationship that was on the edge for a long time. She found out about him texting another woman and that was her eject signal.

I think she may have done the same thing if he forgot to flush the toilet after dropping a bomb or didn't pick his dirty underwear on the floor for the last time.

When people are on the edge and have one foot out the door, that final straw can be something very trivial to most people in a sound relationship but to the person with one foot out the door, it is that watershed moment.

For many people that leave and take up with someone else, their first relationship had been dead to them for a long time. They just needed that final push that overcomes the resting inertia.

She may have been screwing that OM for a year or more. Or maybe they happened to run into each at the bar the night she walked out and when he asked what was up she told him her H is a cheating turd and she's looking for a Revenge F---. or it could be anything in between. She is a vagina owner so she can pick up a penis in 15 minutes at Quip Trip if she wants one. This may have been a hot and heavy affair for a long time or she may have sent him a winky emoji via text after she stomped out of the house and told him to meet her in the parking lot behind Applebees.
The reason I say the who's, when's, where's and how manys don't matter now is because they really don't. She has physically separated from him and is hit'n it with another guy and is seemingly moving forward with separation and assumably divorce.

That means he needs to get off his whiney azz and get to an attorney to start getting his legal, financial and child custodial affairs in order so he doesn't lose any more of his money, property and access to his child than legally required.

what this guy's name and shoe size is and when and where they started their little fling doesn't matter when someone is trying to take your house, your retirement funds and your child from you.
I don't know where you get the idea that he does not want to try and fight for his marriage here. He said it plain and simple in his opening post and was looking for our advice on this. Its very easy to tell him that this marriage is toast and that he should move on. However, that is not necessarily what he wants or even wants advice on. My comments to him are to do with before you fight for this marriage, find out what actually happened.

I agree that his wife probably had enough and had one foot out the door already. He needs to know if this is worth fighting for. His exchange of texts with the old woman may have seemed playful nonsense to him but his wife sure used it to get with her new guy real quick - a bit too quick. I agree that any woman can go and get laid at the drop of a hat but not a woman that was seriously in a marriage until the discovery of the texting. Its not that she is moving on because she has had enough, its more to do with the speed with which she ended up in bed with someone else - and from work at that. And if "Gary" was such a hunk would he really want someone with baggage or is this a fling for him. If OP's wife has opted for a fling to even the score that is one thing. If she has been lusting after the office hunk, that is another. But if she was in a committed marriage and was fighting for her marriage that is yet a separate thing (and it does not appear to be the case here).

So long story short, OP, if your wife had been lusting after the office hunk and maybe even already started something with him, then regardless of what you did, this is not worth fighting for. You need to get to the bottom of this (the truth) for your own peace of mind and conviction in how to proceed. Don't take too long or else she could have your house, kids and money before you move.
 
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Unless his wife told him she was going to this guy's house and having sex with him, everything is speculation. Options for dating are rather limited due to Covid - they could be playing cards.

He didn't say how he found out - either she told him or he saw her going to the guy's house which means he was stalking her. Not enough info, really.

There is a male member who beat up his wife because she went to a bar and had a drink while there were men there. I'm sure some males thought "She deserved it - she was probably dancing naked on the pool table". This forum is full of men who still think of women as property who have no right to end the union just because their husband is a bona fide SOB.
 

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Options for dating are rather limited due to Covid - they could be playing cards.
I’m not speculating whether she has or has not been having an affair with OM.

Just pointing out that millions and millions of people have not altered their lifestyles or changed their habits and activities one bit due to covid.

HIV/AIDS, HPV, gonorhea, syphilis, clamydia, herpes etc are well established and part of the landscape for decades to millennia and people still have unprotected sex when they screw around so some new emergent cold that millions of people don’t even believe is real isn’t going to stop anyone.
 

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My man, I hope you understand women enough to realize she ain't showing you the exit because of your horsing around with pictures. And she show nuff ain't warming up her co-workers bed three days after you getting the boot because your actions embarrassed her at work. Women don't roll like that.
LOL. Oh ye of little faith. Some of us roll exactly like that if we're angry enough.

I never share personal business here on TAM but I'm going to do so, in this case. 😁

My ex-H was a huge serial cheater and that's why I left him (almost 30 years ago). Our 10 year marriage was pretty much a complete joke down at the firehouse (he was a volunteer fireman) because everyone knew what a skirt chaser he was. I had many fireman flirt with me over the course of my affiliation there but I never took it past that.

Until I decided to get revenge on my ****head cheating ex.

About a week after I'd moved out of our marital home and was in my own place, I decided it was time for revenge. All I had to do was crook my finger at him and this young fireman (the cutest one - might as well make it worth my while) who was one of several who'd been giving me the googly eye for the last few years, was on my doorstep in seconds. I brought him back to my lady lair and taught him a few things then released him back into the wild a couple hours later, knowing full well he was a young dumbass who wouldn't be able to keep his mouth shut and would be bragging all OVER the firehouse about it. 🤣🤣

It didn't take long at all for my STBxH, cheater extraordinairre, to call me up whining about how I'd humiliated him in front of all the guys. :eek::eek::eek: I guess the last 10 years of him humiliating me in front of everyone apparently didn't count.

I tried, folks. I truly tried to choke up a tear for his pain when he was giving me hell for humiliating him with that young buck, but in the end, I simply wasn't able to give a rat's ass. But I did tell him if the other firemen weren't so damned ugly, I would have likely done it again - just for good measure. So he was lucky it was a leper colony down there or it may have been worse for him.

Anyway, my point?

That some of us can be downright vindictive when pushed. :devilish: And it's HIGHLY possible that the OP's wife wants VERY badly to show everyone at work that she's not home crying into her beer while continually pulling on the chain light switch of her bedroom lamp, turning it on and off like Glen Close. Maybe she's all about saving face and has decided this is the way she's going to do it.

Just sayin'.
 
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