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Been married 16yrs. The issue is, i messed up. I was texting another woman i worked with for about a year. The texts were naughty, no pics involved. I never wanted to hook up or meet up with this other woman. Texts were only sent while were at work, dudnt send any while at home or with my wife. I personally thought this woman was just a friend and we were joking around. I got fired for the text, using company phone. Wife worked at same place with me, she of course found out. I let work show her the texts. Thought this would show her im not hiding it anymore. Well I moved out of house for a few weeks, moved back in and we started going to counseling. After a month of that she decided she can't forgive me and I have moved out again. We are talking about a dissolution but I really do not want one. I want to work on this but she says she has been unhappy for a very long time. One week after I moved out this 2nd time she has started going to another man's house, she works with this man. I know I messed up, we have 1 son and I want yo keep this family together. Should told me she wants out, but I wanna fight and try. Should I just accept this or keep fighting?
 

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Let her go. You messed up royally and she already told you she has been unhappy for a long time. So not only do you want to mess around her back but also want her to remain unhappy?

When a woman has lost this much respect for her partner she is probably finished for good ..... in fact she already found another man by the looks of it.

OR:

Perhaps she was already lining this guy up anyway and you gave her the ammo she needed.

Pick one : you lose both ways. Just let her go.
 

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There is zero equivalence between your inappropriate texting and her physically meeting up with another man. Not excusing your actions, you messed up bigtime but that does not justify or explain her actions now. She was already clearly not in love with you and checking out of the marriage, possibility already lining up this other guy.
Your options now:
  1. Let her go, she’s already gone and is almost certainly fing another man. Work on you. Be better, get to the gym, build the life you want for yourself without her. Focus on you and your son.
  2. Tell her you want to work on your marriage and your family together, but not with another man in the picture. Do not plead, do not beg. Offer her the opportunity to rebuild your marriage and family - with good faith effort from both of you. Whether she’s willing or not, work on you and be the best you can be for you and your son.
Either way, do not move out. Since it sounds like you already have, move back in immediately. You need to do this to help position and protect yourself in the divorce, among other reasons.
 

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Discussion Starter #4 (Edited by Moderator)
There is zero equivalence between your inappropriate texting and her physically meeting up with another man. Not excusing your actions, you messed up bigtime but that does not justify or explain her actions now. She was already clearly not in love with you and checking out of the marriage, possibility already lining up this other guy.
Your options now:
  1. Let her go, she’s already gone and is almost certainly fing another man. Work on you. Be better, get to the gym, build the life you want for yourself without her. Focus on you and your son.
  2. Tell her you want to work on your marriage and your family together, but not with another man in the picture. Do not plead, do not beg. Offer her the opportunity to rebuild your marriage and family - with good faith effort from both of you. Whether she’s willing or not, work on you and be the best you can be for you and your son.
Either way, do not move out. Since it sounds like you already have, move back in immediately. You need to do this to help position and protect yourself in the divorce, among other reasons.
I tried to move back in about a week ago and was met with some very harsh language and being hit by her. I was calm the whole time and never raised my voice. I will not have my son around that, ever. So what to do? Move in and fight or stay away for my son? I am working on myself, going to gym, more time with other family, trying to make new friends.
 

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I tried to move back in about a week ago and was met with some very harsh language and being hit by her. I was calm the whole time and never raised my voice. I will not have my son around that, ever. So what to do? Move in and fight or stay away for my son? I am working on myself, going to gym, more time with other family, trying to make new friends.
You need to talk to an attorney.

You can't force her to stay in a marriage she doesn't want. But you shouldn't abandon the family home. And you shouldn't abandon your son. She doesn't "automatically" get sole custody, regardless of what you did.

She certainly has the right to divorce you. And you may well deserve it. But she can't force you out of the home, nor assault you, nor deprive you of your son.

Talk to an attorney.
 

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There is zero equivalence between your inappropriate texting and her physically meeting up with another man. Not excusing your actions, you messed up bigtime but that does not justify or explain her actions now. She was already clearly not in love with you and checking out of the marriage, possibility already lining up this other guy.
Your options now:
  1. Let her go, she’s already gone and is almost certainly fing another man. Work on you. Be better, get to the gym, build the life you want for yourself without her. Focus on you and your son.
  2. Tell her you want to work on your marriage and your family together, but not with another man in the picture. Do not plead, do not beg. Offer her the opportunity to rebuild your marriage and family - with good faith effort from both of you. Whether she’s willing or not, work on you and be the best you can be for you and your son.
Either way, do not move out. Since it sounds like you already have, move back in immediately. You need to do this to help position and protect yourself in the divorce, among other reasons.

Projecting here or what? OP was texting a woman inappropriately for a YEAR! (This is not a simple mistake, for a whole bloody YEAR!!!!!!)
He had obviously checked out of the marriage, of course wife knew he was not interested in her, his time and attention were elsewhere.
OP needs to do a lot of work on himself. He does not get brownie points for not texting at home pfft!

Wife worked at the same place,
1) there were probably rumours about OP and OW
2) can you imagine wife's humiliation to be called in to tell her WH was up to this BS, pluzzzz.

She was right to kick him out and also get another man, stop victim blaming !!!! She is probably very hurt, humiliated in front of her whole company and this is her revenge!
To suggest that he did something less is ********, he is the reason why it happened.

@Fatherofoneson now that you have lost her you want to work on it? When you were putting all your effort in texting another woman for a whole YEAR you could have been working on your marriage.
Now you are concerned about your son and breaking up the family, where was your concern when you were cheat texting?
You ****ed up, your wife is gone. Do something and become a better man so at least you can be there for your son.
 

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I was texting another woman i worked with for about a year. The texts were naughty, no pics involved. I never wanted to hook up or meet up with this other woman. Texts were only sent while were at work, dudnt send any while at home or with my wife. I personally thought this woman was just a friend and we were joking around. I got fired for the text, using company phone. Wife worked at same place with me, she of course found out.
This was all just a joke? A big misunderstanding? Are you really trying to sell that to your wife? If I were your wife I would be upset that you can't even craft a good lie for her.

If it was all a joke, why hide it from your wife?

Now you don't have a job? And your wife gets to now work there with everyone knowing her husband got fired for sexting another coworker? Did the other coworker get fired too or does your wife have to see her everyday?

Humiliating for your wife. Now she gets to pay for you until you find another job.

Now your wife is going to the house of another coworker?

How did you get fired? Who caught you?

Is the other woman married?"

Would you agree that it is hard to believe it all was "joking around"?

Would you also agree that it is hard to believe you didn't hook up with this woman co-worker? I would never believe you didn't get physical unless the messages said something like "I can't wait for the first time."

A lot of your story seems unbelievable.

Can you clarify any of this?

If you want to earn trust with your wife, you probably have to come up with a better bunch of lies, more believable. If what you are posting actually is the truth, which I guess is theoretically possible, I guess you are screwed because I don't think too many people would believe it.

What happened with the counseling?

Perhaps you can offer a polygraph to your wife. I'm not sure it will help. If it was all at the job all three (now four) of you work, I would imagine the humiliation factor is a big issue.
 

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Honestly brother, this marriage is done, and now she has a BF.

Frankly, you need to grow up. You blew this out of the water, and she has probably been screwing this guy longer than you know.

I mean grow up, take responsibility for what you did. I mean you get this is completely your fault, right...
 

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I want to work on this
What would that look like to you? What would that entail?

Just because your wife is seeing another man now, does not mean she was cheating on you before this came out. Come on, people! Supporting the guy is one thing but trying to absolve him is another.
 

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Talk to an attorney now. Leaving can cost you custody if n some states.
Check your phone bill to see how long she has been in contact with another man.
Why can she date a coworker and you get fired for using company phone.?
 

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Talk to an attorney now. Leaving can cost you custody if n some states.
Check your phone bill to see how long she has been in contact with another man.
Why can she date a coworker and you get fired for using company phone.?
I'd guess because she is dating off company time while he used company equipment and company time to carry on. There is also a concern for sexual harassment claims.
 

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contact HR that WW is conducting an affair on work time with a co worker.
move back in the house WW wants out tell she can leave.
you leaving the house makes things bad legally for you, charged with
abandonment, level of custody for son, child support, and so on.
 

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What would that look like to you? What would that entail?

Just because your wife is seeing another man now, does not mean she was cheating on you before this came out. Come on, people! Supporting the guy is one thing but trying to absolve him is another.

Agreed, major victim blaming going on here. I wonder if genders were reversed would the same people be calling out the betrayed husband. This is ********!
 

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First off, don't be a fool. You were sexting a woman for year and thought it was "just a joke" and you were "just friends"? Come on. Here, buy this book and read it. Seriously.

Not Just Friends by Shirly Glass

Stop minimizing what you did. It wasn't a mistake, it was a choice. A choice you made hundreds and hundreds of times. Every single text, for a year, was a choice and you knew damn well that it was wrong. If not, then why did you hide it from your wife and use a company phone to do it? You just didn't care and came up with justifications for it.

Your wife now has another man (how long he has been around is irrelevant right now), is that "just a joke" too?

For the record, this is coming from a guy who has been on both sides of cheating. I even used the "joking around" excuse like two weeks ago after I was "just texting" someone and "wasn't actually going to go through with it".

Sorry, but you deserve your wife's harsh language. She is lashing out because you hurt her. It should NOT be in front of your son, though. You said she hit you, was that the first time? I'm not saying it was acceptable, it's not, but it's not unheard of when emotions are all over the place so more info is needed about that.

If your wife is done, then she's done. Time will tell if this new man is an exit affair, revenge affair or if it was a long term affair. If she really has been unhappy for a long time, then you added on this, you probably caused too much damage. Maybe she caused damage too but you need to own YOUR side. Do not go looking for more excuses, no matter how hard some people above try.

You do need to talk to a lawyer though. Regardless of what either of you did in the marriage, you do need to protect yourself. You should not leave the marital home without speaking to a lawyer first.
 

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What would that look like to you? What would that entail?

Just because your wife is seeing another man now, does not mean she was cheating on you before this came out. Come on, people! Supporting the guy is one thing but trying to absolve him is another.
Please, @Blondilocks, you know what the odds are, everyone knows what the odds are, they are overwhelming.

He cheated, embarrassed her at work, he got fired, yeah the odds are over whelming.

However, it really does not matter, he blew it, she is done he needs to move on, and LEARN A LESSON...
 

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Sounds like she has been cheating with this other man for a while. She not got to just start having sex with someone else in a week.
Actually AB, this is not really true. I may not happen to you, but it happens a lot.

Some women wait, some women don't. They have a right to get laid anytime they want.
 

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So all you did was text with this other woman, still cheating.

Your wife tells you she has been unhappy for a while. Then a week after she tells you she is done is having sex with another.

Dude you have been played. She was cheating on you as well. She was actually having sex with this guy for awhile and used your cheating as the excuse to end the marriage. She stays nice and clean and you are the dirt bag that cheated.

You need to move back home and get a lawyer.
 
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