Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
61 - 80 of 133 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,210 Posts
You have nothing to say because you have no thoughts of yourself and you have never had any relationship.

Its hard for an inexperienced guy to give relationship advice to married people. I understand.
What??!! Gus is a regular 'round these parts and quite married.

Roxie, YOU have no choices in your relationship anymore. You don't get a say now. Your husband does; he's in the driver's seat. All you can do is be the absolute best version of yourself you can be and sit back and wait for his decision. Keep trying if you want to save the marriage, but you really don't have much leverage.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
19,559 Posts
Why? Is it because the length of the affair? Our neighbour had an affair for 7 years. They are still together.
Roxie I for one think you are trying. I don't believe you are feeling true remorse yet, but if you keep holding yourself accountable you may begin to feel true remorse.

You feel guilty and sh!tty that your husband has taken this so hard, and I think you understand, at least on an intellectual level, that your behavior was egregious and destructive.

But until you really begin to internalize his pain, make his hurt your own, then you will not have achieved remorse. Right now you are in self preservation mode. You have blown up your marriage and you are desperate to save your comfortable existence.

Ask yourself this: do you love your husband? Do you really love your husband?

A two year-long affair? Really Roxie? What was so special about the OM that made you think it was alright to become his wife for two years? What made you think you could be a mate to two men at once and get away with it?

I'm not bashing you. I'm asking you to ask yourself these hard questions. Because until you can answer them, and until you can take your husband's hurt and pain and make them your own, you will never achieve true remorse. True remorse is wanting to take all his hurt on yourself. True remorse means you are willing to do whatever is best to help your husband heal, even if it means you give him a divorce and leave his life forever.

And yes, taking his anger and name calling are all part of the price you have to pay if you want to keep the marriage. Sorry. You reaped the whirlwind. Remember, what you feel when he calls you those names and terrible things is only a fraction of the pain he is feeling. So... get over yourself. If you cannot take it, leave him and let him find a woman who can empathize with him and truly love him the way he deserves. You could be that woman if you try.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,783 Posts
I completely agree with bandit. You haven't reached true remorse. You see everything through the same distorted filter that allowed you to both have the affair and to be surprised about your BH's reaction. You don't feel his pain. You don't really.

You only stopped your A because the guy was a jerk to you. If you had remorse and empathy, you wouldn't be writing that. You would be writing, 'at the time, I ended the A because the OM was a jerk, but now I know that I should have understood how wrong it was and how utterly devastated my BH would be. I can't believe I did that to him. What kind of person hurts the person he/she loves so badly and so thoughtlessly?'.

That's what you would be feeling and expressing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,970 Posts
Oh you are married and still have nothing to say?
Oh, I have plenty that I could say.

I'll summarize, though...

Your husband deserves better than a wife that spent two years in an extra-marital relationship w/ another man, ended things w/ him ONLY "because he was a jerk" (I'm guessing he wouldn't commit?), and then -- ON TOP OF THAT -- couldn't be bothered to actually confess the transgression herself.

Basically, you relegated your husband to "Plan B" status for the length of your affair, all the while giving him the leftover table scraps of your relationship w/ "Plan A", and then came back to him ONLY when you realized that "Plan A" wasn't working for you.

Simultaneously, you shouldn't stay in a marriage w/ a man that slaps you, verbally abuses you, and obviously isn't at all inclined to reconcile, at least not in any way that could be described as healthy.

Bottom line? Your husband wants to divorce. Given your transgressions, along w/ your obvious inability to understand what they meant to your husband, you won't find too many people here that will be too forthcoming w/ anything that might somehow magically assist you in convincing him otherwise.

Looks like you are only married on paper
LOL. That'd be you.

Not for much longer, though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,028 Posts
Roxie, your husband calls you those nasty names because in his eyes you are those nasty names, the actions spoke to his anger and his fear..you might have married a kind and gentle soul but even a rabbit will attack when confronted when cornered. He is still angry and and to be fair, in his minds you are all those nasty names....consider this....your not the woman he married either, do you think he married a woman who would cheat on him, do you think some where in the back of his minds he thought, she is nice and love her but i know she will cheat on me one day and all will be good. Your tired of hearing those names...move out, divorce, otherwise SUCK IT UP...time to eat crow....and do everything you can to save your marriage...6 months is a affair....2 years is a relationship. You own him a great deal.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,008 Posts
I just see a child who wants what she wants. To hell with the husband who is in pain and suffering. Roxie wants everything to just go her way. Her husband should forget his pain and get with her plans. Have the baby and live happily, until, the next guy comes along.

Roxie, if your husband had any sense he would divorce you quickly. The reason is because you have no clue about what damages you have done. You don't seem to care and you are going to do it again in the future.

Women who Love their husband could not bear to have another man touch them. You had an affair for 2 years. Kept it a secret. What part of this involved you loving your husband?

You make it seem like having an affair is not a big deal. I don't think you have any morals. And your thinking process is very messed up. Get some help to figure out yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,767 Posts
The affair was a same old coworker thing - new joinee, attractive guy (but my H is also very handsome, thats why I got into a relationship with him in the first place), flirting starts, texts and phone calls, going out for lunches and finally one day sex. And the affair starts. Sorry if this description bothers people. But the guy turned out to be a total jerk. Thats why I dumped him.

I should say that the day my husband found out, he slapped me. And it was not any slight brush - a full on, bang on the cheek slap. Before that he has never been violent to me and not after again. He didn't even apologize for the slap. But I am willing to let this one go because I can understand where he was coming from. If it had been me on the other shoe, I might have kicked and punched at him too.

I have tried to talk to him constantly and tell him how sorry I am and the things I am willing to do to regain his trust. Though he didn't want anything from me, I still wrote all of my email, chat apps and phone passwords in a piece of paper and gave it to him. I tru to check in with him from work. Sometime he responds, most of the time he cuts the call. I was also trying to be affectionate to him. He wouldn't let me touch him most of the time.
Roxie, Roxie, Roxie, of course he can never trust you again. Hence the reason betrayed spouses need passwords, emails, etc., because they can't trust their cheating spouse again and have to ride herd on them. All it looks like it took was an opportunity with an attractive guy for you to fall off the wagon. Whatjew gonna do next time an attractive guy comes along. I mean look what happened the last time. By your own admission, you've got a thing for attractive guys, (but my H is also very handsome, thats why I got into a relationship with him in the first place). Sort of like a guy marrying a girl because she's got big tits.
Here's the thing Rox and your husband subconsciously or consciously knows it. You went for the other guy because over time his looks became stale and commonplace to you and the new guy on the block was appealing. A relationship for looks is no different than a relationship for money. They grow tiresome. The reason you sound like having a FB on the side was no big deal is because its not a big deal for you. You come off sounding like it and get upset when folks point out the obvious. Admit it Rox, your old man's looks hasn't been enough to cause you to wet your pants for a long time now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,096 Posts
As you can see Rox as you don't want to talk about details people will fill in the blanks on what you have posted so far

If you don't like what they say inform us and explain to a lot of points brought up

Or better still ask your husband to come on here
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,621 Posts
So far, this is all you've told us about the A:

The affair was a same old coworker thing - new joinee, attractive guy (but my H is also very handsome, thats why I got into a relationship with him in the first place), flirting starts, texts and phone calls, going out for lunches and finally one day sex. And the affair starts. Sorry if this description bothers people. But the guy turned out to be a total jerk. Thats why I dumped him.
Plus that it was 2 years long...which is a long affair BTW.

Why did you really have the affair? Just because the posom was good looking? Sounds like BS to me.

Were you looking to trade "up"?

What else? What did you get out of it that you weren't getting at home from your H?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,864 Posts
Roxie,

There are things you can do right now for your H.

* Write out a timeline for your affair with details.

* Offer to take a polygraph to confirm that the timeline is accurate and complete.

* Make a complaint against the OM at your old job, to personnel he needs to be fired.

* If you know of other affairs the OM has had, inform the betrayed spouse or SO.

* Inform the OM family, parents, grandparents, siblings, facebook and linkedin contacts.

There has to be consequences for the OM.

Tamat
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,701 Posts
Sorry guys I wasn't able to respond sooner. My health took a hit.

Contrary to what people think, I am remorseful. I hate what I did. And I so want to make it up to my husband. I just posted that way because I wanted to give a simple brief about whats happening without complicating things. I am sorry if that has come off as unrepentant.

The affair was a same old coworker thing - new joinee, attractive guy (but my H is also very handsome, thats why I got into a relationship with him in the first place), flirting starts, texts and phone calls, going out for lunches and finally one day sex. And the affair starts. Sorry if this description bothers people. But the guy turned out to be a total jerk. Thats why I dumped him.

I should say that the day my husband found out, he slapped me. And it was not any slight brush - a full on, bang on the cheek slap. Before that he has never been violent to me and not after again. He didn't even apologize for the slap. But I am willing to let this one go because I can understand where he was coming from. If it had been me on the other shoe, I might have kicked and punched at him too.

I have tried to talk to him constantly and tell him how sorry I am and the things I am willing to do to regain his trust. Though he didn't want anything from me, I still wrote all of my email, chat apps and phone passwords in a piece of paper and gave it to him. I tru to check in with him from work. Sometime he responds, most of the time he cuts the call. I was also trying to be affectionate to him. He wouldn't let me touch him most of the time.

I can understand all of this. But what is causing me to withdraw from him is all the hurtful things he says to me. He has called me some horrible names that I didn't believe could ever come out of his mouth, he has even described his unborn child in horrible words.

I am willing to help him in every way. He has refused any counseling. But he is totally hurtful to me right now. So if he hates me so much why doesn't he file for divorce?

And lastly, I love him so so much. I can't ever believe I cheated on him and hurt him. I would do whatever he asks me if he would just give me the chance to show how much I love him.

All I can think now that since it has been only one month, he is in the anger phase. I am hoping that eventually he will calm down and then we can begin our healing.
So you dumped your lover because he was a total jerk and NOT because you realised you should not have been cheating on your husband?

So if your lover had not been a jerk you would still be seeing him and cheating on your husband?

Or would you have left your husband for him?

Allowed your lover to father your child?

You really do not understand what you have done wrong. Do you? :(
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,341 Posts
Oh you are married and still have nothing to say? Looks like you are only married on paper
I'm wondering if you talk to your H with an attitude like this. Between the way you've spoken to Gus, and your first post saying "I had sex with other guys before our relationship. I don't keep contact with any exes. How is this different?" I get the feeling you do. And if that 's the case, between your affair and your attitude it's no wonder your husband slapped you.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,701 Posts
I'm wondering if you talk to your H with an attitude like this. Between the way you've spoken to Gus, and your first post saying "I had sex with other guys before our relationship. I don't keep contact with any exes. How is this different?" I get the feeling you do. And if that 's the case, between your affair and your attitude it's no wonder your husband slapped you.
Slapping is wrong. By anyone. But as Bandit pointed out, understandable.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,881 Posts
I am trying to be understanding and objective but I gotta tell ya Rox, I am still not feeling a genuine person.

I can only judge your "words" and what I "see" is you trying to justify your behavior AND trying to convince yourself that what you did wasn't that bad because after all, the "affair was a same old coworker thing."

Are you kidding me?

I am sorry if I hurt you but I truly think you are emotionally immature.
 
61 - 80 of 133 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top