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I've been together with the love of my life for 10 years, married for 8, with a lovely 6 yo daughter. We have been lucky enough that I was able to support us all so my wife could stay home with the kiddo - a mutual agreement for the benefit of our daughter. Now that she is in elementary school my wife has gone back to work to resurrect her career, which I thoroughly encouraged because she was becoming a bit of a shut in and needed more interaction with others.
It's now 1 year into me working days at home and her working swings. I've been unsatisfied with how our work schedules keep us apart (we see each other a couple hour a day tops). She gets home late (1-2 am) and still needs time to wind down. I try and stay up to spend time with her but am exhausted at that point and have to go to bed without her. She joins me anywhere between 3 and 6 am. Then I get up at 7, fix kiddos lunch, take her to school, pick her up from school, and then make lunch for my wife as she gets up and gets ready. All of this during my work hours (at home). Wife leaves for work, I make and have dinner with my lil girl, do activities, homework, bath time and bed time. Then I clean and try to get a nap in before wife gets home. Repeat.
I've tried not to complain because I saw it as role reversal and she took good care of both of us while a SAHM. But I can't understand why she can't go to bed with me, or at least earlier, and wake herself up to at least see her daughter off to school. Or get up early enough to help out by picking her up. Meanwhile I'm neglecting work, pushing back conference calls, etc so I can see my daughter to and from school. We've talked about it and she just says she can't fall asleep any earlier. And I feel resentment because of this.
But we've made it work. Now lately she'll come home, drink too much, and lash out me. Angrily and very ugly, but conveniently doesn't remember saying nasty things to me. I have to explain in the morning why I'm upset. We had a small argument about the neighbors dogs barking too much. I stepped out onto the back patio and she locked me out, flipped me off, and went to bed. Leaving me to sleep on the patio all night. After I finally got her to wake up by ringing the door bell 1000 times and waking my daughter first, she then lets me in and "doesn't remember".
Now she's made friends at work and they go out for a few drinks after work once a week, which is fine. She needs social interaction - everyone does. But one night after texting me to say she's going to hang with the crew, she doesn't come home. Misses her daughter's award ceremony at school. Gets home at noon and says she fell asleep watching movies with friends. No other info. I pry. Turns out she slept at a male coworkers house. I pry more. Turns out her girlfriend went home - but she didn't.
This was the night after she locked me out. I felt hurt, betrayed, lied to, and disappointed. I told her I was expecting at least some sort of gesture that she was sorry for locking me out. Being the nice guy I am I had bought her flowers to show that I can overcome the anger I felt. But what do I get - her overnight at some guy's house. She then tells me she thinks she got married too young. But there is no affair and I have nothing to worry about. I ask if she still even wants me around. "I don't know."
We go through a rough couple days and she has a long talk with her grandmother who was married many time but is now in a decades-long marriage. It gave her some perspective and she says she wants to make it work. I told her I'm completely uncomfortable with her staying over at a man's house - especially one I don't know. She agrees it was a crappy thing to do and promises it won't happen again.
Things are good for almost two weeks. Love and intimacy, cuddling, favors for each other. Then I get another text that she's going out for a couple beers after work. No other info offered. I text ok and go to bed. Once again I wake up alone. She comes in and acts like nothing happened. I tell her I'm upset, most of all because she isn't being honest and she broke her promise less than 2 weeks into fixing things. She says she didn't think it was a big deal.
This has me worried that at the very least she is having an EA with this guy. So I look up her phone bill. Never have I done this before and I never would have absent her breaking her promise, and so soon. In the last month there have been 50 texts to me, 100 to her girlfriend, and 400 to this guy. She sees me snooping into her phone bill as a violation of trust but still won't admit she did anything wrong.
I look at the records in more depth. She texts him before work, during work, after work, from home after I go to bed, and on weekends. She was texting him the whole day we were having a heart to heart about our marriage.
I ask if she still loves me. She says yes. I ask if she wants to split. She says "I don't know". I ask how she could disrespect our marriage by breaking her promise. "I don't know". I ask her what she would do if the situation were reversed. "I don't know".
When I asked her to marry me she said "Hell yes!". I asked her if she was still "Hell Yes" wife. "I don't know". I tell her that our marriage won't work if she is not 100% committed. "I don't know". She says she needs time to figure that out. For me, it's a no brainer. I love this woman. Madly and deeply. But I want my "Hell Yeah" wife back.
The way I see it, "I don't know" is not 100%, and therefore means "NO". Now we are getting ready for a trial separation - she's moving into an apartment and will have daughter on the weekends. Next up - coming up with terms and boundaries.
It's now 1 year into me working days at home and her working swings. I've been unsatisfied with how our work schedules keep us apart (we see each other a couple hour a day tops). She gets home late (1-2 am) and still needs time to wind down. I try and stay up to spend time with her but am exhausted at that point and have to go to bed without her. She joins me anywhere between 3 and 6 am. Then I get up at 7, fix kiddos lunch, take her to school, pick her up from school, and then make lunch for my wife as she gets up and gets ready. All of this during my work hours (at home). Wife leaves for work, I make and have dinner with my lil girl, do activities, homework, bath time and bed time. Then I clean and try to get a nap in before wife gets home. Repeat.
I've tried not to complain because I saw it as role reversal and she took good care of both of us while a SAHM. But I can't understand why she can't go to bed with me, or at least earlier, and wake herself up to at least see her daughter off to school. Or get up early enough to help out by picking her up. Meanwhile I'm neglecting work, pushing back conference calls, etc so I can see my daughter to and from school. We've talked about it and she just says she can't fall asleep any earlier. And I feel resentment because of this.
But we've made it work. Now lately she'll come home, drink too much, and lash out me. Angrily and very ugly, but conveniently doesn't remember saying nasty things to me. I have to explain in the morning why I'm upset. We had a small argument about the neighbors dogs barking too much. I stepped out onto the back patio and she locked me out, flipped me off, and went to bed. Leaving me to sleep on the patio all night. After I finally got her to wake up by ringing the door bell 1000 times and waking my daughter first, she then lets me in and "doesn't remember".
Now she's made friends at work and they go out for a few drinks after work once a week, which is fine. She needs social interaction - everyone does. But one night after texting me to say she's going to hang with the crew, she doesn't come home. Misses her daughter's award ceremony at school. Gets home at noon and says she fell asleep watching movies with friends. No other info. I pry. Turns out she slept at a male coworkers house. I pry more. Turns out her girlfriend went home - but she didn't.
This was the night after she locked me out. I felt hurt, betrayed, lied to, and disappointed. I told her I was expecting at least some sort of gesture that she was sorry for locking me out. Being the nice guy I am I had bought her flowers to show that I can overcome the anger I felt. But what do I get - her overnight at some guy's house. She then tells me she thinks she got married too young. But there is no affair and I have nothing to worry about. I ask if she still even wants me around. "I don't know."
We go through a rough couple days and she has a long talk with her grandmother who was married many time but is now in a decades-long marriage. It gave her some perspective and she says she wants to make it work. I told her I'm completely uncomfortable with her staying over at a man's house - especially one I don't know. She agrees it was a crappy thing to do and promises it won't happen again.
Things are good for almost two weeks. Love and intimacy, cuddling, favors for each other. Then I get another text that she's going out for a couple beers after work. No other info offered. I text ok and go to bed. Once again I wake up alone. She comes in and acts like nothing happened. I tell her I'm upset, most of all because she isn't being honest and she broke her promise less than 2 weeks into fixing things. She says she didn't think it was a big deal.
This has me worried that at the very least she is having an EA with this guy. So I look up her phone bill. Never have I done this before and I never would have absent her breaking her promise, and so soon. In the last month there have been 50 texts to me, 100 to her girlfriend, and 400 to this guy. She sees me snooping into her phone bill as a violation of trust but still won't admit she did anything wrong.
I look at the records in more depth. She texts him before work, during work, after work, from home after I go to bed, and on weekends. She was texting him the whole day we were having a heart to heart about our marriage.
I ask if she still loves me. She says yes. I ask if she wants to split. She says "I don't know". I ask how she could disrespect our marriage by breaking her promise. "I don't know". I ask her what she would do if the situation were reversed. "I don't know".
When I asked her to marry me she said "Hell yes!". I asked her if she was still "Hell Yes" wife. "I don't know". I tell her that our marriage won't work if she is not 100% committed. "I don't know". She says she needs time to figure that out. For me, it's a no brainer. I love this woman. Madly and deeply. But I want my "Hell Yeah" wife back.
The way I see it, "I don't know" is not 100%, and therefore means "NO". Now we are getting ready for a trial separation - she's moving into an apartment and will have daughter on the weekends. Next up - coming up with terms and boundaries.
