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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I really need advice. I am constantly thinking about divorce. I cannot stand my husband. He is too intense, bossy and plain crazy. All he ever wants to do is work. He has now started obsessing about buying a luxury vehicle even though I said no. He basically is planning to buy it anyway. Its like hes having a midlife crisis. We also work together and he just doesnt care about anything other than his own personal wants and desires. I am embarrassed because we dont do anything other than work 95% time and people are always telling me its just too much and we need a break but he refuses to listen. He is just adamant about getting to where he wants to be in life and is working me to death to get there.

I hate to complain about working all the time but i have no connection with him. I hate to hear his voice and have no desires to be with him at all. I really would love to just disappear and leave him flat on his ass to fend for himself.

Aside from always demanding we work, hes arrogant, insensitive and plain mean. He has told me if we were to break up he'd never get married again because he feels women are crazy. Well i think hes crazy and i cant imagine many women who would want my life. Theres no point in buying or having nice things if you have no where to wear it to. I just dont know how to stick by this man i have come to seriously dislike.
 

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There's the folks who are having issues in their marriage who want to work them out, and there are folks who have already checked out of the relationship and just haven't told their partner.

Sounds like you fall into camp 2, unless you're just really spun up today over something specific and need a couple of shots.

If you really meant what you said, than the person who needs to hear it isn't on this forum. He's in your house, pouring over that Lexus catalog in the den.
 

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I hate to hear his voice and have no desires to be with him at all. I really would love to just disappear and leave him flat on his ass to fend for himself.

he feels women are crazy.

I just dont know how to stick by this man i have come to seriously dislike.
You don't. Stay, I mean. I'm assuming you two have been married longer than 10 years. If so, you have what is legally considered as a marriage of longevity. That means you usually get half, although it varies in equity states vs. community property states.

Find out how and when you can leave. Life is short. You do not stick it out with someone whose voice makes you sick. Contact a good family law attorney for an initial consultation. Separate assets and liabilities, where possible. At least have your ducks in a row.

I don't tell anyone to get divorced, as a rule, but separation sounds like it's really needed.
 

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The car... is the money there for a car but you just do not want it?

What's keeping you from leaving?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
EleGirl, thats a hard question to answer. If you look at society, many people who drive luxury vehicles should not. I say this because they may live in an apartment or just not be financially secure and live check to check. I wouldnt go broke if i bought a luxury vehicle, but why would i want to drive around looking like i have money i do not. We dont live paycheck to paycheck but we are not rich. We live comfortably and are considered middle class.

I dont believe in buying expensive things because someone wants to show off. I believe that rich people should drive luxury vehicles not middle class workers.
 

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EleGirl, thats a hard question to answer. If you look at society, many people who drive luxury vehicles should not. I say this because they may live in an apartment or just not be financially secure and live check to check. I wouldnt go broke if i bought a luxury vehicle, but why would i want to drive around looking like i have money i do not. We dont live paycheck to paycheck but we are not rich. We live comfortably and are considered middle class.

I dont believe in buying expensive things because someone wants to show off. I believe that rich people should drive luxury vehicles not middle class workers.
In the case of the car, there is no right or wrong here. The two of you have different points of view. That's all it is. The two of you should come to an agreement on this .. that's how marriage is supposed to work.

For the rest of it.. why are you still there? What keeps you from leaving.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
The complication of working together is the big problem. If it were not for that i would be gone a long time ago. i cant just leave because i would be risking my financial stability and credit. Also, some part of me doesnt want to be sen as "that girl" you know the kind who marries young and divorced before 40. I know i could find another man pretty easily, its just the thought of dealing with another problem man is enough to make me want to consider leaving this country.

But I really cant stand this guy. He is angry all the time and wants everything in life we do to be his way or the highway. Its as if i am in a relationship with a 10 year old bratty child.
 

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A working class hero is soemthing to be.

From the little that is posted here it sounds like there is a gap in what you both value in life.

How long have you been married? Kids?

Was your husband brought up in a middle class family? Was he brought up to have a fierce work ethic? Does he gain his self respect for the owrk he does? Does he define himself by this?

What are his goals in life?

What are yours?

Have you both done His Needs Her Needs?

I have a sense there is more to this than what you are saying?

I spent my life working my butt off to provide for my family. I can think back and say I wish I had more balance but I wonder how we would have made it ... Idunno. But I wish I could give a better shot at balance.

Why did you guys get married?

Do you have a different set of friends from your husband? Trying to find out how much of your life you share with one another.

Do you guiys go on dates? Vacations?

Mercedez Benz

If my wife wanted a kuxury car she could have one. I pick out my own cars. I really like cars. I have spent some serious money on them.
 

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Well... To me, it really sounds like you need to sit down & have a heart to heart talk with the guy.

Tell him how unhappy you are about things. Tell him how unhappy you are as a couple not going out anywhere together.... And tell him that you have reached to point that you can no longer work with/for him. You want to start looking for another full time job.. but you don't want to spring it on him... etc...etc.
Let him know that when you do find a full time job with benefits, that you will be wanting to take it.

That alone (a new job), may put a whole new perspective on your life... and, with you not being next to him 24/7... maybe he will want to take time to be with you while not at work, and maybe take you out places.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
We have been married almost 10 years now. No kids thank goodness. We were both brought up in 2 parent, middle class families. I think he was denied a lot of luxuries in growing up. I never had a want for luxuries. I am not sure if he gains respect or defines himself by these things but maybe so.

His goals that he has expressed to me, are to work to a point where he has enough investments to work less. The problem is its not just him whos working its both of us. Due to the nature of our work, we are both required to work hard. Its not a situation where I can rest. If he wants to work, we both have to. Therein lies the issue. I essentially am busting my butt for his dreams not mine.

I just want to be happy and live life, work and just enjoy life. There is no enjoying going on with someone like him. It is just work work work work work work work. I dont know any woman that can be so one dimensional. Theres so much more to life than working. While I understand the importance of work, for us, we are slaves to it and it defeats the purpose.

What is His Needs Her Needs? I dont think he cares about my needs. He needs me to be on his needs page. Thats how he acts.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Chelle,
I have pondered that. But to be totally honest, if i got a job and met someone on the job, I would be really open to an affair. I am desperate for positive, loving attention from a man. I long to feel that way, you know when you first meet someone and you are dating and each day you dont know what will come?

I havent quite figured out how to leave our current job because it would affect me if i didnt work with him. I dont trust him managing our money because he is a big spender as you can see.

I have talked to him about us not working together and he said unfortunately thats not possible. If we dont work together, we will go broke because he will not know how much he is spending versus earning. We run a company together.
 

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We have been married almost 10 years now. No kids thank goodness. We were both brought up in 2 parent, middle class families. I think he was denied a lot of luxuries in growing up. I never had a want for luxuries. I am not sure if he gains respect or defines himself by these things but maybe so.

His goals that he has expressed to me, are to work to a point where he has enough investments to work less. The problem is its not just him whos working its both of us. Due to the nature of our work, we are both required to work hard. Its not a situation where I can rest. If he wants to work, we both have to. Therein lies the issue. I essentially am busting my butt for his dreams not mine.

I just want to be happy and live life, work and just enjoy life. There is no enjoying going on with someone like him. It is just work work work work work work work. I dont know any woman that can be so one dimensional. Theres so much more to life than working. While I understand the importance of work, for us, we are slaves to it and it defeats the purpose.

What is His Needs Her Needs? I dont think he cares about my needs. He needs me to be on his needs page. Thats how he acts.
"His Needs, Her Needs" is a very good book. See the link below.

So why do you stay? You have not answered that yet.
 

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You say that if he works, then you have to work. Maybe something in the food industry???

Otherwise, I can't imagine what type of job that would be.

1) What does he do if you are sick?
2) If you died tomorrow... then he would not be able to make a living at all?? HE would not be able to work & support himself?

IMO there is no job that someone is irreplaceable. Now, I could see that maybe he needs another person helping to run say, a restaurant... Run...some kind of service based industry... but, Then, Are you getting your own paycheck?? OR are you basically working for free?

Ie "If he wants to work, then you have to work too". Because he is too cheap to pay for labor for someone to do what you are doing??
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I dont really have anyone other than him. I have a few friends that I seldomly see. We spend every day together. Not necessarily all day but we speak several times a day and are generally around each other in the morning and evenings with numerous calls in between.

Once in a while we go out to dinner if theres no cooked food and we are late from work. I would say maybe 1x/mnth dinner is possible at a restaurant. I am not sure it is a date all the time though. Most of the time I have forced it because it is too late to cook and I am starving type situation.

If one spouse wants a 50k car and the other doesnt, what is the compromise exactly? Someone will win and someone will lose. Problem is i feel like i am always losing so i am adamant about this. Plus i dont want to be caught dead getting out of a 50k car. it seems too Donald Trumpish to me. I cant do it.
 

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Unless you're prepared to try MC with your H, it doesn't sound as though there's much hope for your marriage, OP. I'd either consider MC or cut my losses, because there's no way I could live with someone I neither liked or respected.
 

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Okay...

I just read your other post. So , He does make money, but does not have a business budget. Doesn't watch the expeditures vs the income.

Well... it's time to let him grow up & learn how to balance a checkbook. What if you two had kids together & you had to take care of the kids. Would he just let the bills pile up until you got to them?
If he respects you enough to let you balance the books for the business, then he needs to respect you enough to take your word for it that it is not time for a luxury vehicle yet.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
"His Needs, Her Needs" is a very good book. See the link below.

So why do you stay? You have not answered that yet.
I stay because staying is less complicated. Yes I could leave or not work with him but it affects my financial stability. If I leave, I would have to leave everything. He has already told me if I leave him, he will ruin me and it wont be pretty.

I have no real support so I would be on my own with no one and fighting for what I worked for. Thats a lot of stress, I think more stressful than staying. So in a nutshell I am staying because it is the easier, smarter decision to have a semi decent life.
 

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We have been married almost 10 years now. No kids thank goodness. We were both brought up in 2 parent, middle class families. I think he was denied a lot of luxuries in growing up. I never had a want for luxuries. I am not sure if he gains respect or defines himself by these things but maybe so.

Ok, this makes a little more sense then. Many of us men especially define ourselves by what we do. Right or wrong. But if he was denied some of these things it makese sense he wants to earn them. It also makes sense that you don't care as much.

His goals that he has expressed to me, are to work to a point where he has enough investments to work less.

Ok, very noble and a work ethic thing ... very normal if not traditional.

The problem is its not just him whos working its both of us. Due to the nature of our work, we are both required to work hard. Its not a situation where I can rest. If he wants to work, we both have to. Therein lies the issue. I essentially am busting my butt for his dreams not mine.

Ah I see. yes indeed. This IS the issue it seems.

I just want to be happy and live life, work and just enjoy life.

Sure. I get it. So can you get a different job and do your share financially for the both of you?

There is no enjoying going on with someone like him.

Hmmmm. Again why did you marry him?

It is just work work work work work work work.

Like I said I wish I had more balance in my life earlier myself. So how many hours a week does he actually work?

I dont know any woman that can be so one dimensional. Theres so much more to life than working. While I understand the importance of work, for us, we are slaves to it and it defeats the purpose.

I see. But it is a matter of degree. So you would rather be with a guy who maybe makes less but had more fun in life. Not so much about work.

What is His Needs Her Needs?

It is a book / program for couples. It helps couples communicate and let each other know about their needs and so on. It seems you guys have different needs whcih is typical. But the gap may be broad. Then again often people assume to much. Anyway I suggest you get him to do this with you.

I dont think he cares about my needs. He needs me to be on his needs page. Thats how he acts.
Anyway, I glanced at some of your other threads. It is unclear to me why you married him but you did. I would try the communication thing but definitely get a different job. That is a big start.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
We work 7 days a week from aprox 9am to approx 7pm. We have done MC a lot with no success. If any of you met my hubby you would think he was perfect and nice and I was tough. Truth is he is tougher than me but a better actor. I am type A like him so i am very good at running business. He realizes it and uses it for his financial gain. He sees in me what he cannot easily find in another person.

I dont know why i married him. I was young and dumb I guess. Working hard is a great quality. Actually I love it, but i think if he worked hard but was patient and loving, I would feel differently. He challenges me about 20x day on every decision that needs to be made business wise. He is in control of where we live, what we eat, when we go out, who we go out with, where we go and why we go. I feel like i am in jail.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
If a man wants to work hard and be the boss, then he needs to be able to run business by himself. He cant need me to help him yet be bossy and mean at the same time. That is the problem. He is rude, arrogant, bossy, nasty yet wants everything his way. He says women are crazy and everyday makes jokes about women being bipolar or unstable, but he should look in the mirror. His famous quote is "dont believe anything a woman says"

Yes I am serious.
 
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