[santannay]

Sorry in advanced for the long post but I really don't know who to go to or talk to and I hope that maybe someone else may have wisdom I do not about this.

My husband and I got married six and a half years ago. I was just out of high school. He had no job and I had been working retail for over a year. We got a sweet deal to live in a house owned by his parents for $50/mo rent so long as he checked in with his dad who had a stroke the year prior. I got a job really fast with the local box store hoping it to be temporary.
We ended up getting out of the situation with his parents a year later because his parents are and always have been abusive to him both physically and verbally. These days its mostly verbal but his father had thrown him off the roof and some other stuff when he was healthy enough to do so.
My husband got some odd jobs for people he knew cutting grass, reroofing, plumbing and such. He's pretty handy with most everything but isn't certified in anything and nobody wants an apprentice and there are few job training programs for that here despite three local colleges so nobody will hire him for that. Anyway, let's just say the work was REALLY sparse and you could probably estimate about $200/year coming from that if that much. (I know this year it's only been $100)
I decided to go to college, a plan I'd had before we got married which I know should have been done the other way around. He decided to do so. A year later, I was still going and he dropped out. Said it wasn't a good match for him.
Now I work to support us both, still at the big box store. I'm being harassed there to the point that my doctor has told me to quit twice. I am on two high blood pressure pills (I've had that since I was born though but the dosages have significantly increased just this year) and I have a plethora of stress related illnesses that are driving me into the ground. I am in college full time too.
I've begged him to help support me. It is quite literally killing me all this stress. I come home and I am in pain and exhausted. I can't even think about cleaning the house so it's a stye since he won't do it while he sits at home all day. The only thing he helps with is he is a wonderful companion and he cooks for me. I ask him about the future and his depression from the abuse creeps back in. Says he doesn't want to make plans because they always fail and that he's a failure. I've been patient for about 7 years now and I just can't handle the load anymore.
My parents live very far away (over two thousand miles) and the only close family I have is my sister but sometimes relationship with her can be difficult though doable. I don't want to leave him because I know it's his abuse that's getting in the way but there is no counseling in the area for free and I can't afford anything. My credit card debt is racking up on top of student loans to make it through and we have no extras like cable. I have the cheapest and slowest internet which I need for college. I'm on a pay as you go cell phone plan with no home phone. There is no where else to cut.
Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I'm 26 and on two blood pressure meds. I can't handle this alone. How do I help him get the confidence he needs to get a job?

 

[MarcusCreo]

I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds very like you are at the end of your rope. Understand that there's no "magic bullet" for what's happening, but there are options.

If we break down what you've said, it could be summed up as:
1. Your husband isn't helping support the household (financially, chores, etc) for a variety of reasons.

2. You have (implicitly) agreed to shoulder the financial responsibility for the household

3. You are working and going to school, a difficult task under the best situations

4. This situation has become detrimental to your health

Does this sound about right? I'm leaving out the part about his abuse, or your co-workers, etc, intentionally.

I would suggest that you are enabling your husbands bad behavior, and hurting yourself, by not setting good boundaries. Healthy marriages are partnerships where both couples have responsibility for the overall success of the Marriage and household. By agreeing to shoulder all the responsibility, you are "carrying" him along with you, which hurts both of you.

My advice:
1. Seek a support group (church, college) or a counselor (pastor, college counselor) *you* can speak with. Both the above items usually have free services you can take advantage of. You need face-to-face support.

2. Stop taking responsibility for your husbands bad behavior. It sounds like he had a bad childhood, but who's was perfect? As you "clean up" his mess (or take on more than your share of the household load) you reinforce his bad behavior. Stop this today.

3. Realize that past all the flowery talk about marriage, there is an important key. It is about TWO people coming together. YOU are not HIM. There is a boundary between you. You have problems, issues, thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions that you must OWN. He must do the same. We can never take responsibilities for our partner's happiness, joy, depression, etc because those things are HIS choices, not yours.

4. Get a copy of the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. I think you would find it very beneficial.

Good luck, and God bless.
Marcus
www.marriage-tips.net

 

[aahnaagrwal]

Actually many of hubby do so. They don't want to share their load with anyone. But if i say about these cases then talk to him and try to know about the reason,because this situation comes when your hubby is not comfortable with you to share his loads and privacy. So its a prior thing first to know the reason behind this.




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Marriage Problem

 

[turnera]

You need to leave him. Let him learn to support himself. Then, maybe, he'll become worthy of being with again. But he will never change until YOU do.