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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
About three weeks ago, I had given my H the "ultimatum" and told him that if he would continue having EA's/A's that I wanted a divorce (and I was not prepared to back down unless he could answer me with a straight truthful "I will not continue") he fought me a little bit. Gave me all sorts of complaints about how unfair I was being, and so on.

I didn't back down, and it took three days before he finally agreed that what he was doing was wrong. He finally after so long, broke down and told me how he hated feeling this way, and hated having to lie all the time and hide. He said every day feels worse and worse. I allowed him to talk and express what he was feeling.

We discussed it for a while. Then he agreed that he does not want to be doing these things anymore, and promised me (literally promised) he would never do this to me or us again. He said that I would see the change in him (because he has been in this type of thinking for years and years) In the end I told him that now that he has said to me, he better start following it or I will not hesitate to get a divorce. (I'm just so fed up with the games, lies, deceit)

For the past two and a half weeks he has deleted accounts he used for his A's, allowed me into his phone so that I had full access to it, and has not been on his phone. He has however gone out with his work friends for drinks in that past three weeks because they were being laid off from work...(which sounded like legit outings by how he assured it)

However, I'm starting to feel that "feeling" again in the pit of my stomach. Because I cannot trust him fully at this point, I had been checking his phone every time he came home from work to see if he was living out his promise. But my H has recently started complaining about it, saying just to leave it alone and start living life normally with him. Enjoy life, and don't keep doing this is what he was saying to me.

Then two nights ago, he told me he was going to change his passcode because he does not want me to be stressing us both out, and that I just have to trust him. Also that if one of the many women he was contacting texts or calls, he doesn't want me to be angry and start a fight. So, changed his passcode he did.

I'm very stressed over this. I feel like he is reverting back to his old ways. But then I think maybe he just wants me to start trusting him? I am especially on edge right now because we are now renting a house in a city where he is working so that we can be together (he works out of town most times).....and I decided that I don't want to be dragging the kids around with us anymore to drive back home and maintain our home where we live (we keep driving back home every week and a half on his days off)

So I mentioned staying here for the weekend while he goes back to maintain the house.

Should I be going with him? Or should I be "trusting" him?
Am I right about the phone thing? Is he wrong?
Could he be cheating again? Would he risk me divorcing him?
 

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He cheated. That means YOU get to decide when you start trusting him again, not him. It may be inconvenient or stressful or annoying for him to have you constantly looking over his shoulder but that's the price he has to pay for losing your trust. It has only been a couple of weeks. If you aren't ready to trust yet, that is your right and is perfectly normal and understandable.

You laid down the boundaries and now you need to stick to them. Full disclosure and access to his phone, email accounts, etc or divorce. The choice is up to him. You just need to be ready to follow through. Trust your gut. It wasn't wrong the first time, was it?
 

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For the past two and a half weeks he has deleted accounts he used for his A's, allowed me into his phone so that I had full access to it, and has not been on his phone. He has however gone out with his work friends for drinks in that past three weeks because they were being laid off from work...(which sounded like legit outings by how he assured it)

However, I'm starting to feel that "feeling" again in the pit of my stomach. Because I cannot trust him fully at this point, I had been checking his phone every time he came home from work to see if he was living out his promise. But my H has recently started complaining about it, saying just to leave it alone and start living life normally with him. Enjoy life, and don't keep doing this is what he was saying to me.


I would honor this feeling you are feeling thats why God gave us this ability to sense right from wrong imo


Then two nights ago, he told me he was going to change his passcode because he does not want me to be stressing us both out, and that I just have to trust him. Also that if one of the many women he was contacting texts or calls, he doesn't want me to be angry and start a fight. So, changed his passcode he did.

He is up to his old tricks it sounds like transparency is transparency

And I agree with what just said that you set your boundaries and you need to stick to them marriage is between 2 parties not 3 or 4 etc and i feel he should be doing some heavy lifting in order to restore your trust I for one would not have given him 3 days to answer he either wants to be married or not if not then adidos life is too short to put up with unacceptable behavior their are plenty of other folks out their who would not treat you this way start by working on yourself develop some old or new hobbies contact old friends and start exercising doing things just for you and your children if you have kids If you decide you would like to recover your relationship then set the bar and if this what your hubby wants then start with mc and transparency

Good Luck
 

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He cheated. That means YOU get to decide when you start trusting him again, not him. It may be inconvenient or stressful or annoying for him to have you constantly looking over his shoulder but that's the price he has to pay for losing your trust. It has only been a couple of weeks. If you aren't ready to trust yet, that is your right and is perfectly normal and understandable.

You laid down the boundaries and now you need to stick to them. Full disclosure and access to his phone, email accounts, etc or divorce. The choice is up to him. You just need to be ready to follow through. Trust your gut. It wasn't wrong the first time, was it?
I agree with justonelife.

I'm also wondering if after a couple of weeks, he decided he didn't want to completely end all of his EAs and just keep a one or two as a backup just incase it didn't work out with you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I'm definitely not ready to trust him. I am fully prepared to leave if he cannot stick to his promise.

If he can agree to let me see is phone..what do you think I should do about him going back home alone?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I agree with justonelife.

I'm also wondering if after a couple of weeks, he decided he didn't want to completely end all of his EAs and just keep a one or two as a backup just incase it didn't work out with you?

He has done this in the past....so I have the very same suspicion. He has a very low self-esteem unfortunately and thats what I worry about
 

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If there was one A in a relationship, I can see it being overcome. But multiple? For years? No way. He gave up trust a long long long time ago.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
If there was one A in a relationship, I can see it being overcome. But multiple? For years? No way. He gave up trust a long long long time ago.

I have been very patient, but I have also swept a lot under the rug before. Thats why now I really need help. This is such a deep dark thing for him to overcome. And now that I've given him that ultimatum (which I've never done before) I feel like he might just be hiding things better so that he doesn't get caught.. and as I've said, I'm unsure now if it's my gut or distrust talking.
 

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I'm definitely not ready to trust him. I am fully prepared to leave if he cannot stick to his promise.

If he can agree to let me see is phone..what do you think I should do about him going back home alone?
The important question is - What do YOU think of letting him go back home alone? If you think it will bother you, have you constantly wondering what he's up to, etc, then don't allow it to happen.

Right now, things are still very raw and fresh. You need time to see if this reconciliation is true or not. I wouldn't do anything to make yourself feel uneasy at all. He needs to be showing you that you can trust him. Actions speak louder than words. What are his actions telling you?
 

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Love that excuse for changing his password. He is full of sh*t.

This is such a deep dark thing for him to overcome.
He has to want to overcome it.

If his issue is really one of low self-esteem--what this really translates to is NOT "I'm not good enough at anything"--it's I'M NOT WORTHY OF LOVE FROM ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING, AND I NEVER WILL BE. That is what he has to overcome.

This is why it is crucial that little children feel love. This is why. They don't just need to believe that they are loveable. It has to be part of their CORE BEING, who they were from BEFORE they have memories.

This type of problem requires serious counseling, the very best money can buy, twice a week for quite a while. Does he have the dedication it takes for this?

If I were you--I'd separate from him entirely. I'd tell him he needs to attend individual counseling with an excellent counselor 2x a week for at least 3 months, and then once a week after that for a long time. He may have been an abuse victim, so that is something to take into account when finding a counselor.

Then I'd go about my own life improving myself, living the best life I could live. Because I'd need to be in a good place one way or another. Rescuing someone who cannot be rescused without excellent professional help is a full-time job, and it's often used as an escape to avoid other problems one has in life. So I'd concentrate on working on me, regaining my self-respect. If 6 months or a year go by and he's shown true change, and he wants back in the marriage, then I'd think about it.

The truth is people with problems like these rarely recover. That's just the facts.
 

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yea a bunch of promises and just when things start getting hard he kills transparency. How much you wanna bet he got a girls number whil he was out at the bar. i think he is calling your bluff. Seeing if he can get you to rugsweep again. This guy sounds like a master manipulator. Get a lawyer now and have him served. Tell him you want complete transparency or I will divorce you. Otherwise prep for another Dday.
 

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Two weeks of transparency isn't good enough.
I agree - but what is? This is exactly what my wife did. It was about 10 months after the NC was implemented. She was sick of me keeping tabs on her, feeling like a child. She said that "I've kept my promise for a year now, and you need to trust me. What more can I do?" And she changed her passwords, etc.

Even 10 months, I was really hating this move by her. I have since decoded some of the passwords, however.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
The important question is - What do YOU think of letting him go back home alone? If you think it will bother you, have you constantly wondering what he's up to, etc, then don't allow it to happen.

Right now, things are still very raw and fresh. You need time to see if this reconciliation is true or not. I wouldn't do anything to make yourself feel uneasy at all. He needs to be showing you that you can trust him. Actions speak louder than words. What are his actions telling you?

Well for the most part I really think he is trying. He stays completely away from his phone (whereas before he was constantly on it....I'd go to the bathroom, he'd be on it..we would be at the dinner table, he'd be on it) It was sick how much he used it, and to hell if I was going to see anything on his phone. So he has made some huge adjustments.

One of the biggest things that's bugging me right now is that he doesn't seem to understand that I have come to a breaking point, and I'm not ready to just "let it go" and move on like I used to. I guess he's just used to the old me.
 

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I agree - but what is? This is exactly what my wife did. It was about 10 months after the NC was implemented. She was sick of me keeping tabs on her, feeling like a child. She said that "I've kept my promise for a year now, and you need to trust me. What more can I do?" And she changed her passwords, etc.

Even 10 months, I was really hating this move by her. I have since decoded some of the passwords, however.
I wouldn't tolerate this from my husband, but that's because we share transparency. My passwords have always been available. Always. My life was an open book. He doesn't have a leg to stand on in that regard, to imply that I wouldn't do exactly the same for him in terms of email / FB access. In fact email isn't passworded at all on our home computer, nor is my phone, and he knows the overall computer password.

Why does she need to keep any secrets from you?
 

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I agree - but what is? This is exactly what my wife did. It was about 10 months after the NC was implemented. She was sick of me keeping tabs on her, feeling like a child. She said that "I've kept my promise for a year now, and you need to trust me. What more can I do?" And she changed her passwords, etc.

Even 10 months, I was really hating this move by her. I have since decoded some of the passwords, however.
I dunno. Mutual transparency for the rest of your relationship, probably.

To me, the idea of transparency isn't because you need to be checking every ten minutes, but because you're transparent, eventually, you'll no longer need it, if that makes sense.
 

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REALLY!?

You already know this is BS. He has demonstrated his true colors. Time to lay divorce papers on him. This is not remorse. This is not transparency. He should be bending over backwards to make sure YOU are comfortable.

Sorry you are here. You already know the actions you need to take.
 

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I dunno. Mutual transparency for the rest of your relationship, probably.

To me, the idea of transparency isn't because you need to be checking every ten minutes, but because you're transparent, eventually, you'll no longer need it, if that makes sense.
I would agree with this. I can understand him not wanting you going through all of his messages every 10 minutes because it would be a constant reminder (to both of you) of his affairs. However, changing the password isn't going to help either. I would tell him that you must know ALL of his passwords and in exchange, you would try to back off a little on checking his phone all of the time. If he has nothing to hide, he shouldn't have a problem with that. And if his phone is open to you at all times, the need to check it will diminish over time.
 

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One of the biggest things that's bugging me right now is that he doesn't seem to understand that I have come to a breaking point, and I'm not ready to just "let it go" and move on like I used to. I guess he's just used to the old me.
What has really changed? He's back to his old habits and you are allowing it to happen. He's testing to see what he can get away with and so far, you are reverting back to your old habits of letting him walk all over you.

I'd lay it out very plainly for him. Full transparency for as long as you deem necessary or divorce. And I'd have a plan in place to show him you are serious (a separate bank account already open, the name of the attorney you have hired, etc).
 
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