[backtobasics]

18 years of marriage; 2 kids in jr/sr. high school.

Over the last 10+ years, my wife has not provided any form of romance, sex, intimacy, spontaneity, ...... I have always had to initiate any love making and when we have talked about it she has told me that she doesn't really enjoy it as much as I do and that it isn't everything. I don't want this to sound all about romance but of equal concern is her lack of emphasis around looking pretty/sexy, feeling pretty/sexy, and acting as a fun-loving partner.

She is completely focused on the family responsibilities and day to day activities. We never do anything as a result of her asking and I have grown tired of being the one to want to get out together. Honestly, at this point I feel like she should be the one to try harder and I don't know why she doesn't recognize that without some more focus, she could lose me. Maybe this is what she is trying to do and that might seem obvious to anyone reading this. She doesn't do anything about her appearance, she doesn't try to please me in any respect, she doesn't provide any spontaneous and shared activities. I am at the age that I want to do some fun things with someone that enjoys me and the experience. Sure, I could suggest we go do some of these things but calendars and responsibilities would always hold us back. I am equally responsible and feel that with effort, arrangements could be made.

I should mention that she doesn't really have any girlfriends that she ever goes out with or even talks to. Yes, she has acquaintances from the kids sports and activities but I am always disappointed that she is completely okay with not having friends, especially as a woman. Other woman go on girl weekends, girls night out, etc. and I only wish she had that in her life.

My birthday and anniversary are coming up over these next couple of months. I am sure there will be nothing special and I wish i didn't have to sound so negative around that. There will be no surprises as far as thought or physically. It is times like this that I get disappointed that I haven't seen lingerie in over 10 years. I haven't really seen a naked woman since sex begins with her coming to bed in a full set of pajamas. Sure - we have talked about it. She thinks they are a waste since they come off quickly and she feels "fat" in these... I don't go there. Vacations are often sexless even in places of paradise???? Anyhow, I don't want this to be all about sex/romance but that is what I use as a gauge whether that is right or wrong

I don't know what to do. I love my 2 kids and know that leaving will affect them as it crushed me when my dad left. Do I somehow try to get her to "change" (her caring about her looks, her intimacy, sharing and liking common activities?) Otherwise, Do I go now or do I wait a few more years when they go off to college? I guess looking for love at 47+ may not be that bad

 

[2ntnuf]

Sorry you are having trouble. I am fifty and I know what you mean when you say, "looking for love at 47+ may not be that bad". My ex did not like wearing lingerie for similar reasons. I liked when she wore it. I wanted her to wear only the things which didn't need to come off during sex. They just enhanced my longing. She didn't do it and eventually found someone else.(much more to this than just that)

I was more like your wife in that I did not have the friends, and still do not. I liked going out with my wife. I was terribly depressed about my station in life compared with hers. I felt like less of a man. I think it was partly due to how I was raised.

Maybe she is depressed? I know I did not realize the depression had set in until it was too late. A doctor visit and counseling might help.

There will be folks on here that know lots more than me. They are good people. They can help.

Good Luck.

 

[Holland]

I have no idea what normal really means but I can say for certain that feeling hollow in a marriage is a waste of everyone's time.

I also know that children handle things better than we give them credit for as long as the adults involved do it as amicably as possible and consider the children's needs at the top of the list. My kids have come through relatively unscathed because the ex and I are amicable.

Finding love again in my late 40's has been a beautiful thing. It is scary after divorce, it is so different and so many more things to consider but wow it is amazing. I know who I am, the mistakes I have made, what I want and most importantly what I will not put up with.

My advice is that if you do divorce, don't do it to find love again, do it to find yourself again and when you are healed you will be ready for love.

But before any of this you need to find out if it is worth saving your marriage. Sit down and have an honest, non emotional discussion with your wife. It is not fair on either of you to be living this type of existance (cos it isn't a life it is merely exisiting). My ex and I were both done with our marriage, we recognised that it had come to it's natural end and that is OK.
Divorce is one of the hardest things I have ever done, it is painful but one day you get to the other side. This is the day you are free to move on with the rest of your life.

 

[Trying2figureitout]

You don't "get her to change" what you do is let her know how the marriage needs to improve. Don't blame her.... blame the situation you both created. Be prepared to lose her AND GIVE HER A CHOICE.

First become her best option.

Start with looking in the mirror... there is a reason she acts this way towards YOU.
You change for each other if you are on the same path.

t2

 

[backtobasics]

All good advice. I hope others continue to help me.

 

[Hicks]

She doesnt' care about sex, physical affection, recreational compnaionship.... What does she care about? What are your wife's emotional needs? She has things that are important to her.... they just happen to be different than the things that are important to you.

The way it works is to figure out what her emotional needs are for her in her marriage.. The way you know what these are is she becomes emotionally happy in her marriage because of specific things that you do... Once she is happy you will then start talking about what your needs are and relate the things you do to make her happy, that you expect and need her to do things to make you happy.

 

[Emerald]

18 years of marriage; 2 kids in jr/sr. high school.

Over the last 10+ years, my wife has not provided any form of romance, sex, intimacy, spontaneity, ...... I have always had to initiate any love making and when we have talked about it she has told me that she doesn't really enjoy it as much as I do and that it isn't everything. I don't want this to sound all about romance but of equal concern is her lack of emphasis around looking pretty/sexy, feeling pretty/sexy, and acting as a fun-loving partner.

She is completely focused on the family responsibilities and day to day activities. We never do anything as a result of her asking and I have grown tired of being the one to want to get out together. Honestly, at this point I feel like she should be the one to try harder and I don't know why she doesn't recognize that without some more focus, she could lose me. Maybe this is what she is trying to do and that might seem obvious to anyone reading this. She doesn't do anything about her appearance, she doesn't try to please me in any respect, she doesn't provide any spontaneous and shared activities. I am at the age that I want to do some fun things with someone that enjoys me and the experience. Sure, I could suggest we go do some of these things but calendars and responsibilities would always hold us back. I am equally responsible and feel that with effort, arrangements could be made.

I should mention that she doesn't really have any girlfriends that she ever goes out with or even talks to. Yes, she has acquaintances from the kids sports and activities but I am always disappointed that she is completely okay with not having friends, especially as a woman. Other woman go on girl weekends, girls night out, etc. and I only wish she had that in her life.

My birthday and anniversary are coming up over these next couple of months. I am sure there will be nothing special and I wish i didn't have to sound so negative around that. There will be no surprises as far as thought or physically. It is times like this that I get disappointed that I haven't seen lingerie in over 10 years. I haven't really seen a naked woman since sex begins with her coming to bed in a full set of pajamas. Sure - we have talked about it. She thinks they are a waste since they come off quickly and she feels "fat" in these... I don't go there. Vacations are often sexless even in places of paradise???? Anyhow, I don't want this to be all about sex/romance but that is what I use as a gauge whether that is right or wrong

I don't know what to do. I love my 2 kids and know that leaving will affect them as it crushed me when my dad left. Do I somehow try to get her to "change" (her caring about her looks, her intimacy, sharing and liking common activities?) Otherwise, Do I go now or do I wait a few more years when they go off to college? I guess looking for love at 47+ may not be that bad

You need to tell her. Stand up for yourself.

Wife "I am not happy in this marriage & my needs as a husband are not getting met as follows:

(list all of your issues, feelings, unmet needs, etc.)

Do you REALLY love her right now? Does she work outside of the home?