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You are operating under the "false premise" that your viewpoint is the only correct viewpoint.
Ha, whatever. OP is the only one that matters and he is done.
 

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And betrayed spouses aren't perfect. And getting cheated on doesn't give you free license to use someone or be cruel.
No one here is being cruel. You need some prospective.
 
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And betrayed spouses aren't perfect. And getting cheated on doesn't give you free license to use someone or be cruel.
This is called a straw man argument.
 

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And betrayed spouses aren't perfect.
Odd line of reasoning. Almost none of the victims of all of the major transgressions throughout human history have been perfect. Adultery is an act of abuse. I’d warrant most victims of abuse aren’t perfect. This does nothing at all to ameliorate the act of abuse itself.
 
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I have enjoyed reading Lake Sparrows thoughts. And for any chance of a successful reconciliation, it requires the both of you to give your 120o/o.
 

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Do you guys read the post? OP doesn't want reconciliation he moved out.

The affair killed the marriage.
 
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Yes I have read that he has moved out. And yes that gets him out of infidelity. Him having options moving forward, and other perspectives, should always be a consideration.
 

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I haven’t read the whole thread, but I’m my opinion, I seriously doubt OP’s wife cares for him other than a wallet. She will miss the wallet, not him. He read her truest thoughts about him and is rightly carrying his butt and I think that’s his only hope for happiness.

I also don’t think it’s fair for a man to work his butt off and provide a nice life, and receive in turn what his wife gave him.

she stopped loving him when she gave her emotions to another man.

Bravo OP in having the self confidence and discipline to do the hard thing to make your life better. I don’t have to imagine your anguish. You are right to leave. Never look back.
 

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Discussion Starter #131
Just an update

Been out 2 1/2 months. Had the divorce discussion w/ wife and kids. It has been hard, a lot of regret on all sides.

I am starting to heal and be less lonely although its tough. She is working on herself and thinking about career options. We have discussed financial support at a very high level, no plans on changing anything for the kids until kids out of high school (4 yrs). That will require contributions on both our parts, but we should be able to do it.

My biggest takeaway is to fight for the relationship early on. We didn't do that.
 

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It is interesting that some months ago you did a comparison of the reasons to stay vs the reasons to leave and you did not list that you loved her as a reason to stay (you listed kids etc as reasons to stay). How did you go from loving her (regardless of her feelings toward you) to not loving her? Was it based on what she said about you to her sister (that has already been explained by someone else as possibly needing to justify her affair and not truly what she feels)?

When did you suddenly decide that being out of this marriage was best for you?
 

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Just an update

Been out 2 1/2 months. Had the divorce discussion w/ wife and kids. It has been hard, a lot of regret on all sides.

I am starting to heal and be less lonely although its tough. She is working on herself and thinking about career options. We have discussed financial support at a very high level, no plans on changing anything for the kids until kids out of high school (4 yrs). That will require contributions on both our parts, but we should be able to do it.

My biggest takeaway is to fight for the relationship early on. We didn't do that.
My biggest takeaway is don't cheat. Even if it is just emotionally.
 
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It is interesting that some months ago you did a comparison of the reasons to stay vs the reasons to leave and you did not list that you loved her as a reason to stay (you listed kids etc as reasons to stay). How did you go from loving her (regardless of her feelings toward you) to not loving her? Was it based on what she said about you to her sister (that has already been explained by someone else as possibly needing to justify her affair and not truly what she feels)?

When did you suddenly decide that being out of this marriage was best for you?
There is nothing in the initial post that indicates the decision came about suddenly. Seems more like this has been a festering wound that destroyed his love for her. Seems pretty typical.
 
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Discussion Starter #135
It is interesting that some months ago you did a comparison of the reasons to stay vs the reasons to leave and you did not list that you loved her as a reason to stay (you listed kids etc as reasons to stay). How did you go from loving her (regardless of her feelings toward you) to not loving her? Was it based on what she said about you to her sister (that has already been explained by someone else as possibly needing to justify her affair and not truly what she feels)?

When did you suddenly decide that being out of this marriage was best for you?
i loved her very much and despite my apparent neglect of her needs, never doubted my feelings or committment. It took about 3 years after her stepping outside of the marriage for me to fully close that door. To me, committment is the last thing you would sacrifice in a marriage or relationship. Once you do that, you have given up on the relationship. At least in my world, that's how it works. Once i knew she didn't want me as a lover, didn't care about my feelings, and was willing to lie and pretend we were committed to each other, it affected my ability to love her. It changed what we could be.

There are other aspects to our relationship that also were challenging (as most couples have) that once it was all added up, i couldn't escape the conclusion that here is a person that doesn't REALLY care about me, respect me or value my love and committment. I could never escape that viscious cycle.

Judge if you must, those are my values.
 

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i loved her very much and despite my apparent neglect of her needs, never doubted my feelings or committment. It took about 3 years after her stepping outside of the marriage for me to fully close that door. To me, committment is the last thing you would sacrifice in a marriage or relationship. Once you do that, you have given up on the relationship. At least in my world, that's how it works. Once i knew she didn't want me as a lover, didn't care about my feelings, and was willing to lie and pretend we were committed to each other, it affected my ability to love her. It changed what we could be.

There are other aspects to our relationship that also were challenging (as most couples have) that once it was all added up, i couldn't escape the conclusion that here is a person that doesn't REALLY care about me, respect me or value my love and committment. I could never escape that viscious cycle.

Judge if you must, those are my values.
I think for some of us we just don't believe in love without loyalty. So when you lose confidence that your spouse is loyal you also lose confidence in the fact that they truly love you or that they even understand love the way you do. When that happens the illusion dies as does your love.

Not everyone cares that much about loyalty but some of us just don't believe in love without it.
 
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