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Those were my reasons for staying, too. They aren't good enough, are they? Because ultimately you realize you are sacrificing your life and your happiness for everyone else and because of your fears.

I am curious about what living arrangements you are lining up, as I'm looking around and trying to figure out the same thing. You don't have to go into detail and could always PM me if you want. Just want to know what you're looking at. I've been checking out a scenario of storage unit for most of my stuff and a furnished corporate apt. short term until I figure out what I want more permanently.
 

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I don't think anyone did anything wrong. I just don't think it worked out the way anyone envisioned.
Except for the cheating (not saying you are saying that, but the context should not be lost here). This Husband works too hard Wife is lonely with kids all day is a very very common dynamic in certain times marriage and not even a hint of excuse to cheat emotionally. I can understand being tempted, but she cheated and she now faces the long term consequences.

Lots of marriages don't make it without cheating. The damage is done.
 

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so a long weekend of full of conversations. One of the focuses of her therapy is to strengthen her as an individual and to steer away from negativity. She stated she can't see us separating - doesn't see that happening. I am making arrangements after work to get a place to stay - ideally begin of nov. I want to be close by and continue to be around the kids and help with the day to day. i am going to have to rip the bandaid off . she is hoping i can get past the issues in the past, but i told her it changed forever for me and i don't see that happening. she just said she hoped i could.

feels as though staying will be painful and leaving will be painful. My problem is the reasons for staying are 1) to not hurt her 2) to not hurt kids / other family members 3) bc i'm afraid of being alone. I don't think that works for me
I think you need to tell her that you don't see her the same way you did before and that has really changed the nature of your relationship. What you are trying to get across delicately is that you can't love her like a wife anymore because of what she did, and how that changed your perception of her. The point is as you see her now, you wouldn't have picked her to be married to.

If she gets that she will accept that your marriage is over. Thing is most people who cheat aren't really good at being introspective or empathizing.

Just be kind to her. If you are going to serve her let her know, don't surprise her. Even though she wasn't honorable you can be, and it sounds like she tried.
 

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thank you. i know what i need to do to be true to myself. I may live to regret it, but i do realize that i am 100% certain i will regret continuing on the way i am
If it makes you feel better, I have personally never met someone in your shoes who chose separation and regretted it. I know of one man who re-married his cheating wife after divorcing her and the poor guy has no idea that she's gearing up to divorce him so I'd imagine he's going to regret that in the not-so-distant future. Your gut is telling you to do this for a reason and I bet your heart and mind will fully align once you move out and have some space from your WW.

If you do wind up regretting it, she will likely still be there and you can change your mind assuming you don't wait years to do it. It feels like you're risking everything but really everything you are about to change can be re-gained. You can move back in. You can make more money. You can replace just about everything you would be giving up but you can't replace your feelings of freedom and dignity if you stay without even trying to see what life could be like on the other side.
 

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Discussion Starter #86
Those were my reasons for staying, too. They aren't good enough, are they? Because ultimately you realize you are sacrificing your life and your happiness for everyone else and because of your fears.

I am curious about what living arrangements you are lining up, as I'm looking around and trying to figure out the same thing. You don't have to go into detail and could always PM me if you want. Just want to know what you're looking at. I've been checking out a scenario of storage unit for most of my stuff and a furnished corporate apt. short term until I figure out what I want more permanently.
thanks.

i will pm u
 

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Discussion Starter #87
I think you need to tell her that you don't see her the same way you did before and that has really changed the nature of your relationship. What you are trying to get across delicately is that you can't love her like a wife anymore because of what she did, and how that changed your perception of her. The point is as you see her now, you wouldn't have picked her to be married to.

If she gets that she will accept that your marriage is over. Thing is most people who cheat aren't really good at being introspective or empathizing.

Just be kind to her. If you are going to serve her let her know, don't surprise her. Even though she wasn't honorable you can be, and it sounds like she tried.
Wow. Just WOW. Nail on head. this truly captures everything i feel. i'm going to print this out and read from it! She is notoriously bad at introspection. she really doesn't understand what it did to me. I am just now starting to feel like i can be myself. being in this marriage has sapped my confidence almost completely and thinking the way i am now, it is starting to come back. i don't think she understands that.

thank you
 

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Discussion Starter #88
If it makes you feel better, I have personally never met someone in your shoes who chose separation and regretted it. I know of one man who re-married his cheating wife after divorcing her and the poor guy has no idea that she's gearing up to divorce him so I'd imagine he's going to regret that in the not-so-distant future. Your gut is telling you to do this for a reason and I bet your heart and mind will fully align once you move out and have some space from your WW.

If you do wind up regretting it, she will likely still be there and you can change your mind assuming you don't wait years to do it. It feels like you're risking everything but really everything you are about to change can be re-gained. You can move back in. You can make more money. You can replace just about everything you would be giving up but you can't replace your feelings of freedom and dignity if you stay without even trying to see what life could be like on the other side.
this is helplful. i know that its right.
 

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Hey op.

You've made your mind. Just walk in an amicable way, but not forsaking your own moral aet. Do unto others type thing. Take your turn, walk your path. Just dont fall into a trap of ego. Put your kids first. Part of putting them first is making this as amicable as possible. Put your big boy pants on, and be firm and resolute as you need to cut a gentle as a lamb. It helps when seeking favorable terms too.
 

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Discussion Starter #90
Mini-update

Arrangements set for Nov 1 move out - close to home.

going to sit her down the weekend before and tell her. have some
family stuff going on this week.

we haven’t talked much about our issues and i think the void of emotional conversations has her thinking things are improving.

there just isn’t anything more to say at this point.

any pointers for where to go with her to talk? would like to do it somewhere not at home where the kids will
be
 

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You have a few choices:
1 somewhere neutral like a lake open space but private type thing. Let's you get loud or such...go in a single car so no stomping off or separate cars she meets you there and can leave


2. Restaurant forces the conversation to be somewhat cordial but uncontrollable crying can kinda ruin it.

3. Get a hotel room with two bedrooms suite type thing. Have some wine and be friends...

4. In front of a marital counselor?

I'm sure there is more options, just a few suggestions.
 

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midatlantic - If you are dropping the news this coming weekend that you are moving out soon, there is probably a lot of emotion tied in with that for you. Keep your resolve, you are heading into the hardest part which will soon be followed with the feeling of a massive weight being lifted off of you.

I keep coming back to this from your first post:

I also found text messages between her and her cousin (very close like sisters) absolutely shredding me, that i was gross, and annoying
Hearing my wife describe me like that to others would be a nail in the marriage coffin. She wasn't in the marriage for love. Stay strong.
 

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Discussion Starter #93
midatlantic - If you are dropping the news this coming weekend that you are moving out soon, there is probably a lot of emotion tied in with that for you. Keep your resolve, you are heading into the hardest part which will soon be followed with the feeling of a massive weight being lifted off of you.

I keep coming back to this from your first post:



Hearing my wife describe me like that to others would be a nail in the marriage coffin. She wasn't in the marriage for love. Stay strong.
Thanks man. Yea it sucked. she definitely hated me at that point.

things have happened already ill make another post to update
 

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Discussion Starter #94
Update:

So i talked to her last weekend. i think saturday nite. Didn’t want to wait.

She was having a call w her therapist and i decided to sit her down and let her know that was the next step.

It was very emotional. She agreed that if i needed space that she wouldnt fight it.

She asked for some
boundaries and asked if we could set a timetable on the separation. some of this happened over a few days.

I suggested nov 1 to the end of the year and we would stay in constant communication.

we told the kids tonight that ill be sleeping each nite out of the house but will be there every day, and it was to allow us each to work on ourselves.

They didn’t really react too much, likely mostly because it was an uncomfortable conversation
 

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Discussion Starter #95
Been moved out since 10/31

was very hard but the last few days have been much better

still at tge house frequently to see kids and participate in daily routine

hard on us both, but she is doing ok

she’s hoping to reconcile
 

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Been moved out since 10/31

was very hard but the last few days have been much better

still at tge house frequently to see kids and participate in daily routine

hard on us both, but she is doing ok

she’s hoping to reconcile
What are you plans? What have you agreed upon?
 

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So since this came up I read through this thread again to make sure I remembered everything. I think it is illuminating in the fact that some folks are saying that this is one of those situations where the marriage can be saved, and I think in some cases a situation like this, it's true.

I think what is often missing in this discussion is that when there is abuse in relationships of the kind that adultery is, where it causes great trauma, this very often causes the spouse that was abused to eventually lose, respect and finally faith in the abusive spouse, even in the relationship.

This can also eventually erode the love for that abusive spouse to the point where it goes away. In those cases for many, the marriage isn't worth saving. Very often this is what the BS is really dealing with thought they fail to articulate it. Often the focus seems to be on the structure of the marriage or even the current relationship, but not in the context of love. I think for some if you don't love the person and they abused you in the past, the marriage even if the current day to day partnership is good, is just not worth it, particularly if your whole purpose for getting married was to be with the person you love.

I think it's much harder to get the feeling of love back when you have lost faith in the person you would be in love with.

The irony is that the affair is very often a reaction by the WS to being unhappy, the marriage perceived as being the reason whether that perception is correct or not. Yet after the affair is discovered, if they want to keep the marriage they must work much harder at it. That is a big lift, not even addressing the issues they often have that caused them to cheat in the first place.

One thing is for sure if you are a WS you should never assume you are safe. So often we read on here of BS who are seemingly recovered and even have a few good years but eventually come to the conclusion that the affair is just to much to get over. How many times have we read from the BS that not a day goes by where they don't think about the affair, even decades later. Often the WS is blindsided by this. It seems most infidelity works more like a chronic illness that some can live with and less like a wound that be treated and healed.
 

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Discussion Starter #99
What are you plans? What have you agreed upon?
i asked to move out so i could have space to work on myself. she reluctantly agreed that was ok. we both have been in therapy.

i have lost 37 pounds since july when i started therapy and dealing with my issues. my blood pressure was 167/117 necessitating bp medicine.

i had a drs appointment monday and my bp was 110/70. i was told i could come off of the meds.

We agreed to revisit after new years.

in reality this has given me the time to realize i am ready to pursue divorce and have spoken with an attorney

i will tell her in the next week or so that the separation is permanent and we need to prepare for the idea of living separate lives

she will have trouble with that as even though she understands im
tentative at best about trying to fix it she wants to try. she will be upset that i do not

we do care for each other but there are a lot of incompatibilities for me
 

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Discussion Starter #100
So since this came up I read through this thread again to make sure I remembered everything. I think it is illuminating in the fact that some folks are saying that this is one of those situations where the marriage can be saved, and I think in some cases a situation like this, it's true.

I think what is often missing in this discussion is that when there is abuse in relationships of the kind that adultery is, where it causes great trauma, this very often causes the spouse that was abused to eventually lose, respect and finally faith in the abusive spouse, even in the relationship.

This can also eventually erode the love for that abusive spouse to the point where it goes away. In those cases for many, the marriage isn't worth saving. Very often this is what the BS is really dealing with thought they fail to articulate it. Often the focus seems to be on the structure of the marriage or even the current relationship, but not in the context of love. I think for some if you don't love the person and they abused you in the past, the marriage even if the current day to day partnership is good, is just not worth it, particularly if your whole purpose for getting married was to be with the person you love.

I think it's much harder to get the feeling of love back when you have lost faith in the person you would be in love with.

The irony is that the affair is very often a reaction by the WS to being unhappy, the marriage perceived as being the reason whether that perception is correct or not. Yet after the affair is discovered, if they want to keep the marriage they must work much harder at it. That is a big lift, not even addressing the issues they often have that caused them to cheat in the first place.

One thing is for sure if you are a WS you should never assume you are safe. So often we read on here of BS who are seemingly recovered and even have a few good years but eventually come to the conclusion that the affair is just to much to get over. How many times have we read from the BS that not a day goes by where they don't think about the affair, even decades later. Often the WS is blindsided by this. It seems most infidelity works more like a chronic illness that some can live with and less like a wound that be treated and healed.
thank you for the thoughtful post

it was too much for me and in reality i see that i was waiting for kids to get old enough to really embrace it this possibility
 
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