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What the hell...?

1511 Views 7 Replies 8 Participants Last post by  wiigirl, 
RandomDude
As you guys know, my wife and I are doing MC in regards to her sex addiction, and recently she has been healing and changing for the better (I think)...

She's become much more clingy unfortunately, and MC apparently identified my lack of "sensitivity" and "vulnerability" a problem that contributed to my wife's insecurities. I was confused, because I've been alot less hardened since wising up a while back, and more emotionally available.

My wife doesn't seem to think so, she still reckons I can be too hardened and need to open up to her. I don't get what game she's playing at, because anymore "beta" and I'll be a doormat! I've given her as much beta as I could...

Is this a fitness test? Is she right? I don't get it!
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RandomDude said:
As you guys know, my wife and I are doing MC in regards to her sex addiction, and recently she has been healing and changing for the better (I think)...
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SSRI drugs are well known to lower sex drive. Has she tried drugs?
As always, I recommend fluoxetine. It's the longest lasting SSRI (half-life is several days), so there's no withdrawal if a person skips a day or three. It's off-patent, meaning it's dirt cheap. It's also an old drug and has a well established record of safety.


She's become much more clingy unfortunately, and MC apparently identified my lack of "sensitivity" and "vulnerability" a problem that contributed to my wife's insecurities. I was confused, because I've been alot less hardened since wising up a while back, and more emotionally available.
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You know what's great for insecure emotional problems? Fluoxetine.
Also, sex is a physical way of showing affection. Try hugging her and touching her more often.
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J
Well, I was emotionally open with my wife before her affair. Pretty much I was an open book. Nothing to really hide.

After the affair, I am closed book. I still talk a bit, but honestly, heart is locked away.

I figure I am going to be VERY careful before I give it to her again, or else suffer another heart break.

If she cheated on you, I would suggest waiting to see if she is worth it. If she does the heavy lifting and proves everything to you, you can open back up. If she doesn't, well you didn't open up, and you can divorce, and it will hurt less.
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Rowan
RandomDude said:
As you guys know, my wife and I are doing MC in regards to her sex addiction, and recently she has been healing and changing for the better (I think)...

She's become much more clingy unfortunately, and MC apparently identified my lack of "sensitivity" and "vulnerability" a problem that contributed to my wife's insecurities. I was confused, because I've been alot less hardened since wising up a while back, and more emotionally available.

My wife doesn't seem to think so, she still reckons I can be too hardened and need to open up to her. I don't get what game she's playing at, because anymore "beta" and I'll be a doormat! I've given her as much beta as I could...

Is this a fitness test? Is she right? I don't get it!
Click to expand...
How long have you been "less hardened"? Is it possible that your wife simply doesn't trust that this new you will stick around? She may simply be reacting to the way you've been for years, rather than to the new-and-improved, more emotionally conntected you. It can take a while for new behaviors to overcome the response conditioning from years of whatever old behaviors the new ones have replaced.
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M
You know I used to be like your wife right? Well my husband was full on beta and he still wasn't emotionally available.

I have two theories for you:

1) She can't 'make you' open up any more than you can will it to happen. Like me your wife has done a lot of damage in her abuse of you. There are parts of you that will remain hidden from her until you can fully trust her again.

2) You have opened up but she's still too broken to receive it.

Given what the MC said I'm leaning towards #1. That's what happened to my husband. It took me a very very long time to get my husband to trust me again after what I did to him. He's just recently opened up and been willing to be completely vulnerable to me. These things don't happen overnight and they can't be rushed.

Another thing is I disagree that you should be the one to solve your wife's insecurities. Ironically I got secure in myself FIRST before my husband opened up to me. I got to the point where I no longer needed him to validate me.

I don't think it can work any other way. She must be secure in herself before she can be secure with you.
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Given the history, RD, this doesn't surprise me a bit. You guys are finally going to MC, and this will be a big help to the both of you - so I would just roll with it and ask the MC for suggestions and guidance. :)
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I'mInLoveWithMyHubby
I have a feeling why she's insecure. You've stated a good reason to be from your past.

Just a suggestion. She's more clingy because she needs you emotionally and she wants your full undivided attention. I can understand where she's coming from.

Luckily my husband needs physical touch just as much as I do. Somehow ours needs to be together holding each other are the same. I would feel pretty insecure if I didn't get his attention laying together for an hour a night with his undivided attention. This means the kids can entertain themselves during this time. My husband and I really enjoy this quality time together and it's great for our marriage.
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YinPrincess said:
Given the history, RD, this doesn't surprise me a bit. You guys are finally going to MC, and this will be a big help to the both of you - so I would just roll with it and ask the MC for suggestions and guidance. :)
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:iagree:

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