Talk About Marriage banner

What the hell happened...

1072 Views 2 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  LiamN
Hi there,

I'm reaching out to try to find answers or at least different points of view on my marriage, what it was, what it has become, if it's salvageable, are my motives just, and probably a little bit of mommy and daddy issues myself. This is going to be thorough, I don't know if anyone has the time to read it all, but i gotta write all this down i think it will at least help me look at it with some perspective. I am the product of an affair, a kid that didn't know his father until age 7, but raised by another man who i thought was my father until that time.

My mother was in love with my biological father, and had a child before me, a brother i didn't meet until i was 14 because he was given up for adoption due to the violence and stress of her husband (he threatened to kill the child and her) My mother also had feelings for her husband, but apparently was going through something similar to what i'm going through right now. when i was 7 she took me away from my known family and introduced me to a totally unknown and new "real" family as she would commonly state it.

Now the period of my life from age 7-16 was a pretty crazy time with domestic violence fairly common, parents trying to pit me against each other, vying for favor and statements for the court in their personal interests. Along with Alcoholism and drug abuse, this was no place for a kid. I made myself a promise back then, that i would not let my own selfishness ruin a childs life, or rob them of their childhood. As i had to make very adult decisions early on in life, sometimes i even had to make decisions for my mother and father. Both my fathers at one time or another have made an attempt on my life and there was nothing my mother could do about it.

I made sure that i never brought a child into this world before i thought i was ready. and i feel i had been very careful in relationships to avoid people that could cause or potentially cause anything similar to this type of drama in my childs life. My wife and I met in Van Nuys, CA in 2004. While i was a recording artist for EMI records. She was a model at the time, and she helped support me and my brother (who was in the band with me) while we basically lived out of my van.
she was very shy, and timid, but beautiful and smart, had great taste in music, loved art, movies, and peace and quiet, wasn't a party girl, wasn't shallow and didn't put up any kind of front. But she was also young, and at the time i didn't know but her sister was way into me, and she kind of created problems for my wife that eventually ended our relationship prematurely.

after my record deal tanked, i moved back home, and continue'd life as usual, but i always thought about her, i would check in on her email to see if she was reading the occasional message i'd send her. we began talking again, she was living with her sister who was a personal assistant for a famous hollywood actor, but big surprise, her sister wasn't making any damn money doing it, so my wife was stuck paying the bills and cleaning the house, etc. She was tired of it, and said she missed me terribly and wanted to be together. I warned her that if that's what she wanted, there may be consequences that she doesn't expect; i have been in a relationship before where someone moves to an unknown place, with no friends or family, and sometimes that can lead to harbored resentment or blame, etc.

I made it very clear that if she wanted to come here to be with me, i would love it, but i also put the disclaimer there.
She moved in april 2008, and we started our life together, i proposed shortly after she got here, and we got married on may 24th 2009.
It was a very happy day for us.

Now about my wife and her history. When her and siblings were young, her parents divorced and her father got custody of the children because her mother had no job, no house, and in the eyes of the court her father was a better suited person to care for them. However, her father, after meeting a new partner that had children of her own, also a person on the run from the law for writing bad checks, her father decided to choose the woman and her kids and a life on the run over his own children. He dropped them off at their cousins house, and my wifes mother drove from wherever she lived to come and take them. My wife moved from place to place as a child, making friends at a new school just in time to be forcefully moved to another town over and over again until she was a teenager.

I knew all this before we got married, i knew she had a bad social anxiety, and i knew she didn't like to be in public places. And that was fine, for a while...
Now we have a beautiful Daughter, who is about to turn 1 year old. And i am finding that i feel alone, wherever i go, whatever i do, my wife never comes along, she stays at home with the baby, and doens't come to many family gatherings (not that i'm a HUGE fan of them either), she doesn't talk to or even try to make friends, her anxiety makes her look like a snob, like noone is good enough for her. after 5 years of being together again, she STILL isn't at all comfortable with my family, with my friends, or in bed.

She is constantly saying that she needs a nose-job, a boob-job, and a vaginal surgery to "correct" what's "wrong" with her vagina, btw there is nothing wrong with it, but she thinks i don't want to have sex with her because it feels different. Physically, she is amazingly beautiful, and any man i could tell i'm not attracted to her anymore would slap me across the face and tell me to get my eyes checked. but it appears we have both made devastating blows to each others sexual confidence.
I don't know why women ask the things they do sometimes, but i'm a brutally honest person. My wife one time asked, am i boring? i stupidly said yes.
but she is. There is no passion, it's all very mechanical, i can't even kiss her the way i want to without her THINKING about HOW to kiss. She doesn't know how!!!!
I recently talked to a friend who is a sex counselor, and she prescribed a bunch of jellys, salts, oils, vibrators, etc. but thats all just more mechanical stuff. I want to be passionate, and i can only recall a FEW times where i felt passionate about my wife in bed.

but think for a second, all the hurt that was caused to me, and most likely her as well, was because of blind, indiscriminate passion.
Maybe that IS why we choose each other, because we don't WANT passion to ruin our lives and the lives of our children.
Which is a very methodical and mechanical thing to do, so it all stands to reason, but it doesn't add up or make sense... right?
there was a reason why i wanted to be with my wife, she is calm, cool-headed, smart, beautiful, a SAFE BET.

Is that what this all boils down to? did i settle for someone that i knew was not going to cause me or my children any problems like i had? so that my daughter doesn't have to feel like she's the problem, so she never has to deal with a step mother that shoots a gun at her or tries to strangle her?
are my motivations sound? even if misdirected and wrong?

All i wanted was to have a good relationship that can endure, without destroying the life of an innocent child.
And now, i have no desire to have sex with my wife, and there is this huge void in my life that i wish was filled with a wife that would like to socialize with my friends and family, and someone who i could kiss passionately and that knew how to kiss.
Someone that knows my friends well enough to stop by on the way home just to say hi to them and their kids, maybe i get a call from my friend "hey your wife stopped by and played with the kids for a little bit, that was nice"
I honestly thought that her anxiety would fade after living here for a while and realizing that everyone here is on our side, that we have a support structure here, but even after all the help and support my parents have given us, she still barely talks to them.

and my father asks regularly how my wife is doing, because she doesn't talk to him except for her nervous meeps when someone addresses her.
I want a FAMILY, anytime anyone wants to know about how my wife is, they ask me, because they know she won't talk to them, OR they THINK she doesn't like them.
I have recently told her about my considerations and she has started therapy, she claims it has helped and we went to a friends house saturday to socialize a bit, but she ended up drinking an entire bottle of wine to "nullify" her physical reactions caused by her anxiety, and ended up being sick for 2 days afterwards.
I feel alone, unwhole, scared for my daughter, paranoid that i may have to divorce her, and that is the WORST thing i feel i could do as a parent. As i said, after all i went through as a kid, i promised i wouldn't let selfishness cause my child to feel as if they were the problem. And kids innately feel they are the center of the universe, so it inevitably would come to her feeling responsible for our divorce if it happened.

Am i right to stay in a relationship that has no passion, with someone i have no desire to make love to, to keep the house in tact for my daughter?
my brain and many other sources i have been reading lately tell me yes, stay together for your kids.
but obviously, my heart is longing for love and passion. not a scared insecure little girl that won't face her fears.
I don't know what the hell to do. i can feel myself sinking into a deep depression over it. feelings of apathy have settled in, and all the while she knows somethings wrong and she's trying to put little band-aids on it.

i feel over it, but i also feel committed for my daughter. could use some insight.

thanks. :confused:
See less See more
Not open for further replies.
1 - 3 of 3 Posts
Are you over all of the issues that impacted you as a child ? If so, that is terrific. Maybe she needs more time. Or maybe she is more willing to live with the shortcomnig you bring to the table, that she understands are part of the mess you were.

My first impression was "you had that crappy of a childhood, and now this is unbearable. Really ?"

Are you afraid you may be turning into what you tried to avoid?
The best thing you can do for your daughter is to be an example to her. If she was in the same situation (a passionless relationship) what advice would you give her? Would it be to sell her soul or to live her own life and seek the passion and happiness she would really want. Your daughter will admire your courage to be yourself and live your own life by seeking what you truly want.
We all make mistakes but it takes real courage to recognise them and to act on them.
1 - 3 of 3 Posts
Not open for further replies.