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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It's been a month since I exposed my stbxw's affair. An affair that had gone on with a co-worker for 2.5 years. WW and OP were planning on living a life together the whole time. They were looking for a place together and consulting a lawyer while I was in the dark.

I only became aware of the problem a year ago when she stopped saying "I love you" and sex stopped. We tried MC but she lied through the whole thing and nothing came out of it. After posting my problem here I installed keyloggers on her laptop and found out the truth. The truth set me free :).

The question is what should I have learned from my experience? I trusted my wife and loved her. She manipulated me into thinking that I wasn't doing enough, that she didn't have enough freedom or control in her life, that I wasn't there for her enough. Should I not be as trusting and always guard my self?

I thought I picked a good person. She spoke about how important family was. She had a good profession as a teacher. She was never one to lie, until our marriage. We improved as a couple, we communicated more and were best friends. Is the lesson learned her that people change and we just have to accept that? Do women change after having babies? The whole time I thought that was what was happening. She was going through some midlife change.

After some reflection I admit that I did put her on a pedestal at times but I also did complain when I wasn't happy. I fought for my marriage always. I am a beta / alpha mix. I've always been an active person and do alpha things i.e. martial arts, hanging out with the boys etc. I don't think I lost her by being too beta and I doubt that I lost her by not doing the laundry. I also play with my kids and love putting them to bed.

So what are your thoughts on this? I'm continuing my journey on this new path and would appreciate your comments.
 

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It's been a month since I exposed my stbxw's affair. An affair that had gone on with a co-worker for 2.5 years. WW and OP were planning on living a life together the whole time. They were looking for a place together and consulting a lawyer while I was in the dark.

I only became aware of the problem a year ago when she stopped saying "I love you" and sex stopped. We tried MC but she lied through the whole thing and nothing came out of it. After posting my problem here I installed keyloggers on her laptop and found out the truth. The truth set me free :).

The question is what should I have learned from my experience? I trusted my wife and loved her. She manipulated me into thinking that I wasn't doing enough, that she didn't have enough freedom or control in her life, that I wasn't there for her enough. Should I not be as trusting and always guard my self?

I thought I picked a good person. She spoke about how important family was. She had a good profession as a teacher. She was never one to lie, until our marriage. We improved as a couple, we communicated more and were best friends. Is the lesson learned her that people change and we just have to accept that? Do women change after having babies? The whole time I thought that was what was happening. She was going through some midlife change.

After some reflection I admit that I did put her on a pedestal at times but I also did complain when I wasn't happy. I fought for my marriage always. I am a beta / alpha mix. I've always been an active person and do alpha things i.e. martial arts, hanging out with the boys etc. I don't think I lost her by being too beta and I doubt that I lost her by not doing the laundry. I also play with my kids and love putting them to bed.

So what are your thoughts on this? I'm continuing my journey on this new path and would appreciate your comments.
Sometimes it doesn't matter what you did/didn't do, they cheated because they were curious.

What does matter is how you respond, and after 2.5 years you are once again open to the possibilities life may offer you.

Congratulations.

I've been through the ride too, and currently I'd prefer that someone has already been through this phase of life and doesn't want to do it anymore.
 

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You have learned what you boundaries are what you are willing to accept and to accept and now you are taking your life back.

Incidentally alpha is a state of your demeanor (such as a take charge manner and power/ controlling mental state) and not just a representation of the culmination of your actions. Performing martial arts and hanging out with the boys are not necessarily alpha actions (as not everyone in that group is a take charge alphas) and don't make one an alpha just by doing them, just like doing the laundry doesn't make one a beta. It is how you conduct yourself. You can be a beta and still enjoy and participate in the the activities that you have listed and alphas need clean clothes and do their own laundry as well.
 
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I think that you should have learned -

No matter how well you think know your partner, there is no guarantee that they will be faithful, including your next one.

To be more cautious in your next relationship and to look for the signs.

To appreciate an honest and faithful partner.

That their cheating is not your fault.

That some BS's can overcome infidelity and R, some can't. Either choice can be a successful outcome.

That you made the best decision to D.

That if you ever think to cheat yourself, you won't; knowing the pain of betrayal you'd be causing.
 

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Looks like you learned the same lessons I have learned:

Love but never more than you get back

Trust but never blindly

No matter how well you think you picked you never really know another person

Protect yourself at all times. Cause the ones you don't see coming are the ones that put you on your ass going WTF.

You will survive this and move on but you will be wiser. I promise you.
 

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The question is what should I have learned from my experience? I trusted my wife and loved her. She manipulated me into thinking that I wasn't doing enough, that she didn't have enough freedom or control in her life, that I wasn't there for her enough. Should I not be as trusting and always guard my self?
You have to do whats best for you. I can't tell you to not be as trusting and always guard yourself. I can tell you that's what I did and wouldn't do it any other way.

I do believe that everyone would advise to never trust 100% ever again, at least until you can trust at that level.

You have some people that will take the chance, not put up any walls and get back on that horse. I, however, am not one of them.

So its up to you. If you want a committed, loving relationship still, then you have to get back on that horse. If you think you are done giving your heart to anyone, then stay on the ground.
 

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And remember that her new relationship statistically only stands a 3% chance of lasting more than five years. A relationship built on betrayal, lies and deceit is a house of cards.

Don't be surprised if this wonderful new love of hers blows up in her face in a couple years. And don't be doubly surprised if she doesn't call you up asking if you think the two of you could be a couple again. It may not happen, but it has happened.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Bandit, I've read this and have been told this also. It's a shame but it can't be undone now. I suspect she is already having doubts based on what friends are telling me.

Wolf, I wonder if love with another will ever feel as free knowing what I know now. My trust will be hard earned from now on I think.
 

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Bandit, I've read this and have been told this also. It's a shame but it can't be undone now. I suspect she is already having doubts based on what friends are telling me.

Wolf, I wonder if love with another will ever feel as free knowing what I know now. My trust will be hard earned from now on I think.
Don't expect her to come back, but be prepared if she does. You need to have a game plan. Some waywards come back and some don't. Depends on how prideful and selfish they are.

Even if she does come back, and she asks for reconciliation, SHE is the one who needs to do most of the heavy lifting. She would have to be completely contrite and remorseful, completely transparent and completely committed to helping you heal from her betrayal. Most waywards are not willing to do the hard work. They just want the betrayed spouse to rug sweep and get over it.
 

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Lessons to learn:

1.You are a faithful spouse.
2.You're a good father.
3.You are good enough, not just for the sad excuse of a woman like your wife, but the best of the best.
4. The bandage that heals your heart is attached to your d!ck. Go out there and get laid.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
What I've learned here is don't date teachers or nurses. Just don't understand why that is.

Oh yeah, don't let your wife go to the gym, yoga, club, dancing, theater group and GNO's without you.
I've read a bit about this and some people here have theories on why. Not sure how serious you are about doing all those things with the wife but you bring up a good point.

I gave her the freedom to have her own life and I didn't worry. I participated for the most part. Does this type of trust exist for any of you? Or must a husband be on guard always for a wayward spouse? I'd like to be with someone without having to worry about what the hell they are doing when they are without me.
 

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I believe teachers, medical professionals and law enforcement personnel have the highest rates of infidelity of all the professions. It may have something to do with the stressful environments within these professions. Co-workers lean on each other for emotional support more in these professions and this leads to EAs/PAs.
 

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It's been a month since I exposed my stbxw's affair. An affair that had gone on with a co-worker for 2.5 years. WW and OP were planning on living a life together the whole time. They were looking for a place together and consulting a lawyer while I was in the dark.

I only became aware of the problem a year ago when she stopped saying "I love you" and sex stopped. We tried MC but she lied through the whole thing and nothing came out of it. After posting my problem here I installed keyloggers on her laptop and found out the truth. The truth set me free :).

The question is what should I have learned from my experience? I trusted my wife and loved her. She manipulated me into thinking that I wasn't doing enough, that she didn't have enough freedom or control in her life, that I wasn't there for her enough. Should I not be as trusting and always guard my self?

I thought I picked a good person. She spoke about how important family was. She had a good profession as a teacher. She was never one to lie, until our marriage. We improved as a couple, we communicated more and were best friends. Is the lesson learned her that people change and we just have to accept that? Do women change after having babies? The whole time I thought that was what was happening. She was going through some midlife change.

After some reflection I admit that I did put her on a pedestal at times but I also did complain when I wasn't happy. I fought for my marriage always. I am a beta / alpha mix. I've always been an active person and do alpha things i.e. martial arts, hanging out with the boys etc. I don't think I lost her by being too beta and I doubt that I lost her by not doing the laundry. I also play with my kids and love putting them to bed.

So what are your thoughts on this? I'm continuing my journey on this new path and would appreciate your comments.
ill tell you an important lesson i learned from this, from having walked in your shoes.

i learned how to tell when a relationship is over. i see it now, but didnt recognize the signs then. it when the other person (or yourself) cares more for themself than your happiness or well being.

i said many of the things you said. I could never trust again, i would never get married again, i would never let myslef be exposed and vulnerable again and so forth.

I'm in a relationship now, and she would walk across hot coals barefoot to bring me the TV remote, without being asked. its the little things that show you, and when you have that kind of connection, its easy to see when there is something wrong. i find myself thinking about cool things we can do together, rather than looking to be away from her.

dont beat yourself up over the mistakes you made. learn from them so you dont repeat them and go on to a better life. it is possible, but you have to be willing to take a hard look at yourself.
 

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I think people change.
Some folks change for the better and as untrustworthy as they were they can become trust worth.

So in the same breath some people can *become* untrustworthy.

So with that said I think watching out for someone you know well is changing...it stands to reason that also your trust in that person changes.

For example if you witness a certain individual no longer have such a temper, taking action in getting help. and being happier well then one can be witness to a change for the better in that individual.

Just like the other side of the coin dictates an individual can suddenly be come quick to get angry, become distance, and fighting all the time....well then one can be witness to a change in this person...for the worse.

My thinking is you get respect/trust from me when you earn it, just like I can take away respect/trust when you phuck it all up!

I'm not going to worry about what *might* happen to me, I'm going to be observant enough to know when someone is about to screw me over ...or do me a solid ...either way that person will get recognized for what they did to/for me not what they *might* do to/for me.

I also think folks have expectations for others and I think having expectations for some one is messed up. Again they can either pull it off or not...it will be up to me what I do with them next.

Thats my $0.02
 

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I think people change.
Some folks change for the better and as untrustworthy as they were they can become trust worth.

So in the same breath some people can *become* untrustworthy.

So with that said I think watching out for someone you know well is changing...it stands to reason that also your trust in that person changes.

For example if you witness a certain individual no longer have such a temper, taking action in getting help. and being happier well then one can be witness to a change for the better in that individual.

Just like the other side of the coin dictates an individual can suddenly be come quick to get angry, become distance, and fighting all the time....well then one can be witness to a change in this person...for the worse.

My thinking is you get respect/trust from me when you earn it, just like I can take away respect/trust when you phuck it all up!

I'm not going to worry about what *might* happen to me, I'm going to be observant enough to know when someone is about to screw me over ...or do me a solid ...either way that person will get recognized for what they did to/for me not what they *might* do to/for me.

I also think folks have expectations for others and I think having expectations for some one is messed up. Again they can either pull it off or not...it will be up to me what I do with them next.

Thats my $0.02
this is excellent advice. simply put, people change.

the problem is it can be hard to see or recognize, even when shown to you. a great example explained to me is your children. they grow, slowly, but they "look" the same to you. then you go back and look at pictures from a few years before and can say "wow look how much they have grown and changed".

so as a person changes in a realtionship, the signs may be subtle. even when they do something totally out of character, its human to say "everyone has a bad day, or makes a mistake or does something stupid once in a while, so this cant be indicative of the person i married".

but the reality is that the change has occured. This forum is for talking about change for the worst, so im not going to comment about people that change for the better (and that does happen).

the point is, learing to see the change and knowing how to react to it is a skill that i may never master.
 

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I guess you should learn that not everyone can remain faithful. Sounds like to me you were a good husband and still are a great father. I wish you all the best going forward.
 
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