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Me and my partner have been together 5 years we have a toddler 20mo. Over the past month she has been different with me, seems off and quick to judge. At first I thought I was just getting under her feet because I'm on furlough, but this kept going on. Whenever I ask what's the matter. She admits she feels sad guessing because of quarantine. But I don't feel I can help only make things worse. I noticed she was never away from her phone taking it literally everywhere she goes in the house, social media use had changed too, posting pictures of herself more regularly (innocent I know, nothing wrong with that) but the same person was liking it. Stupid I know to get suspicious from that. But something wasn't right. I couldn't take it anymore. So when I see her phone rarely laying on the side I looked. I found there was secrets, messaging this person flirting some was him saying how sexy she is. Looking at photos I was horrified, taking semi naked pictures of herself. Have these been sent to him I don't know. Probably likely. What should I do? I was wrong for looking at her phone. But in my opinion I've found something much worse. I have never done anything like that only ever been her in my life and can honestly say that.

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I believe that you have done the right thing when you searched her phone, because at least now you know for sure that there really is something and you aren't just being paranoid. In my opinion, the quarantine was expected to cause problems in relationships, because people will be stressed and bored that they will seek novelty in form of pleasure (cheating or talking to strangers) or in form of pain (arguments and fights). The question now is "will she become aware of her wrong deeds after all this period ends?"
 

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Thanks. I always thought the qaurentine wouldn't be healthy, guess you really can spend too much time together. Do you think I should confront her and let her know I know? Think she might be angry with me for looking.

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What should I do? I was wrong for looking at her phone. But in my opinion I've found something much worse.
First off, do not feel bad about "snooping". You had a suspicion that something was wrong and you were right. In a lot of marriages, there are no secrets and nothing is hidden - and that's the way it should be.

She is having an emotional affair (EA) at minimum, and sometimes those get pretty hot and steamy.

Do you think I should confront her and let her know I know? Think she might be angry with me for looking.
No. Do NOT confront her right now. Cheaters all have one thing in common, they lie. If you confront her right now she will lie about it then she will delete everything and cover her tracks. This will make it very hard for you to prove anything or ever know what's really going on. Instead, you need to figure out what's going on. Then once you know more, confront her but do not tell her what you know.

Of course she will be angry will you for looking... she got caught! To be honest, there should be no secrets and very little should be kept private. I can go through my wife's phone, etc. any time I want and the same goes for her. It's not about snooping, it's about having nothing to hide.
 

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Also, do not blame her EA on the quarantine. Her actions are 100% her responsibility. COVID-19 did not make her do this. She could have chosen any other number of coping methods, none of which involve cheating.
 

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No, I think you shouldn't confront her. Any man will tell you that women have a way toturn things upside down that you find yourself doubting your sanity sometimes, because she will definitely bombard you with expressions like "I don't have a f***ing idea what you are talking about!" and "this is all in your head". Instead, if you want to stay inthis relationship, I suggest talking to her and pretending that you are feeling (not knowing) there something wrong.

I agree with @bbobert on the fact that Covid-19 isn't the thing to blame and she could have chose a different coping mechanism.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thanks for the replies. I've been struggling to hide it all day, (I cried in the garage) she seems oblivious like there is something wrong with me. Then I started doubting myself, maybe I've got it wrong. I've been looking for evidence. She has since Changed her passcode. Must suspect something. Just thinking how could she, no way could I do that. And nothing on my phone is a secret she knows how to access my phone. Always has done. Not being paranoid am I?

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Thanks for the replies. I've been struggling to hide it all day, (I cried in the garage) she seems oblivious like there is something wrong with me. Then I started doubting myself, maybe I've got it wrong. I've been looking for evidence. She has since Changed her passcode. Must suspect something. Just thinking how could she, no way could I do that. And nothing on my phone is a secret she knows how to access my phone. Always has done. Not being paranoid am I?

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If she had nothing to hide, she'd hide nothing. You know what you saw. Try and keep it together, I know it's hard.

She is either onto your suspicions or things are progressing/spicing up with loverboy and she doesn't want to be caught. Either way, she knows she is in the wrong and rather than stopping she's still doing it.

Whatever you do, do not let her blame you for this. It is not your fault.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
We talked about it wasn't too much arguing. I gave her so many chances to tell me but she didn't, Made me keep telling what I know and think. She says that she never sent the pictures to anyone. And she is sorry if she hurt me. We talked and both said we want to be together but she feels different, flat, empty, sad and that I've changed too. Maybe I have but I feel I've only changed because I knew something was wrong. I have never stopped loving her But what I'm not understanding is she admits it's not ok and she is sorry but on other occasions we speak she tells it like nothing was going on and that it's not as bad as I make it out to be. I see it, it wasn't ok and pretty sure if it was me doing that she would have something to say about it. Then I think about the other guy, does he know she isn't single does he care? and how does it stop? I don't want to be the type that says you can't message boy friends but that wasn't friend chat. I don't want to lose her, I love her lots always will. But now I feel scared and paranoid with anxiety I never knew I had.

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We talked about it wasn't too much arguing. I gave her so many chances to tell me but she didn't, Made me keep telling what I know and think. She says that she never sent the pictures to anyone. And she is sorry if she hurt me. We talked and both said we want to be together but she feels different, flat, empty, sad and that I've changed too. Maybe I have but I feel I've only changed because I knew something was wrong. I have never stopped loving her But what I'm not understanding is she admits it's not ok and she is sorry but on other occasions we speak she tells it like nothing was going on and that it's not as bad as I make it out to be. I see it, it wasn't ok and pretty sure if it was me doing that she would have something to say about it. Then I think about the other guy, does he know she isn't single does he care? and how does it stop? I don't want to be the type that says you can't message boy friends but that wasn't friend chat. I don't want to lose her, I love her lots always will. But now I feel scared and paranoid with anxiety I never knew I had.
Red flag #1 is that you gave her the opportunity to come clean and she didn't.

Red flag #2 is that she wanted to know what YOU know, so that she can hide the rest.

Red flag #3 is that he blamed YOU for her actions. It doesn't matter if you "changed" or she feels empty. She still chose to cheat and she that wasn't the right way to handle those problems. What came first, this guy or her feelings changing?

Red flag #4 is that you are willing to accept this and let her keep chatting with guys. She will walk all over you if you let her. You do not have to separate, but you do need some boundaries and she needs to own up to what she did.

She has proven that she is untrustworthy and that she lacks boundaries, so no, she does not get to keep chatting with male friends. Now that she knows you know, she may take it underground even if she says she stopped.

Has she unlocked her phone or told you the new passcode? That CANNOT be hidden from you ever again. Everything of hers needs to be open to you.

If she didn't send the pictures to a guy or you, then who were they for?

She needs to tell this "friend" that she will no longer contact him. Then block him. Has she done that?

Read this: Amazon.com: Not 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity (Audible Audio Edition): Shirley P. Glass Ph.D., Jean Coppock Staeheli, Laural Merlington, Brilliance Audio: Audible Audiobooks
 

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Can you give us a bit more info, you said you were on furlough, does that mean that you are in the military and usually gone a lot? If that’s the case, you would think she would be ecstatic to have you home with your family to bond. She obviously is in at least an EA possibly more. Remember the old trust, but verify. Bobert hit the nail on the head with his comment that if she had nothing to hide, she’d hide nothing. Keep the faith and be strong. Hoping for a positive turnout for you and your family.

OT
 

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You need to change your attitude.
You need to stop being passive. You need to be pissed.
You need to channel that anger and use it in a constructive manner.
You are the party that has been wronged here.
You and your wife are married. In a marriage, there is no expectation of privacy, except the toilet.
She has betrayed your trust and damaged your marriage.
It is incumbent upon her to repair the damage.
You need to get your hands on a copy of this book:How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair
You need to familiarize yourself with it. She needs to learn it, implement it, and live it if she wants to continue on with you.
Tell her it is the minimum you will accept, and you will expect her to use it as a template and expound upon it if she wants to continue being married. She needs to know that you will not accept being walked over in such a cold, disrespectful way.
For you, you need to empower yourself out of this situation You need to read this book. Here is a pdf for you:
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Can you give us a bit more info, you said you were on furlough, does that mean that you are in the military and usually gone a lot? If that’s the case, you would think she would be ecstatic to have you home with your family to bond. She obviously is in at least an EA possibly more. Remember the old trust, but verify. Bobert hit the nail on the head with his comment that if she had nothing to hide, she’d hide nothing. Keep the faith and be strong. Hoping for a positive turnout for you and your family.

OT
Hi. No I'm not in the military. I usually do a standard 40hour week about 10 miles from home. I was put on furlough because i had sepsis and pneumonia and spent two weeks in hospital in march then work put me on it to lighten their numbers due to corona virus and for me to recover. We are talking more now, but think it's going to be tough.

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