Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 45 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My problem is very minor compared to many of the marriage problems that most other people face, but please hear me out.

When we were first together, he wasn't such a jerk, or maybe I just wasn't as aware of it until we got married and moved in together. (Warning: disgusting details ahead) He would constantly terrorise me with dirty earbuds, fingers with poop, dirty shoes, leave underwear with skid stains everywhere and sometimes pees in cups until it's so full that it's difficult to empty it without spilling, then complains about me spilling it.

I have tried speaking to him about it in a civil manner many times, he just claims that I am being OCD about cleanliness and thinks it's all great fun. Maybe I do have OCD, as I tend to get sick as well as allergic reactions easily if I don't take care of my hygiene enough, but I think that even a normal person with no OCD will find his behaviour disgusting. He almost never apologises for anything as he always thinks he's right, so having an argument is out of the question because he always wins.

Short of an ultimatum, what can I do to stop his behaviour, or is there no hope for me? It's not even like it's something he's unconscious of, but something that he actively does and will be able to change, if he wants to.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,153 Posts
2 questions:

Are there children involved? And what does this mean?

fingers with poop
It is a very dangerous situation that a) a man lives like this and b) you are so accustomed to it/scared of him to realize it so you have to ask a forum if it is bad enough to have social services come by (answer yes).

No kids just makes it easier. Walk out the door today and tell him you'll come back when he REALLY wants help. Kids, it's the same thing but harder.

Unless I'm on candid camera...

:scratchhead:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
669 Posts
Sounds like he needs to grow up. He's acting like a child and that stuff is gross. Tell him to grow up.
Do you have kids?

I would sit him down and tell him that this is not behavior for a grown man and to cut it out.

I get joking around a bit but you have to know where to draw a line.


Sent from my iPhone
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
536 Posts
"He would constantly terrorise me ...."

are we talking like chasing a girl around the playground with a frog, playful teasing? or actually touch you with that stuff? are you laughing or reacting in a funny way (other than disgust)?

there's a big difference between silly teasing and abusive cruelty.

we guys are gross, but yours is crossing the line. what's up with the pee cups? and the poop? where was he raised?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
2 questions:

Are there children involved? And what does this mean?



It is a very dangerous situation that a) a man lives like this and b) you are so accustomed to it/scared of him to realize it so you have to ask a forum if it is bad enough to have social services come by (answer yes).

No kids just makes it easier. Walk out the door today and tell him you'll come back when he REALLY wants help. Kids, it's the same thing but harder.

Unless I'm on candid camera...

:scratchhead:
I'm serious, but the reason that I can't just walk out as I please is because I am financially. I'm not afraid to let him know, but rather I have given up with frustration.

I don't have kids, by the way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Short of an ultimatum? You ARE new here. An "ultimatum" is worthless. Go ahead. Give it a try. An ultimatum without action is nothing.
I am not really in a position to give an ultimatum, and it isn't serious enough to justify one. If I make an ultimatum I would mean it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Sounds like he needs to grow up. He's acting like a child and that stuff is gross. Tell him to grow up.
Do you have kids?

I would sit him down and tell him that this is not behavior for a grown man and to cut it out.

I get joking around a bit but you have to know where to draw a line.


Sent from my iPhone
I have already tried it, but he doesn't listen and think it's just great fun that I should lighten up to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
"He would constantly terrorise me ...."

are we talking like chasing a girl around the playground with a frog, playful teasing? or actually touch you with that stuff? are you laughing or reacting in a funny way (other than disgust)?

there's a big difference between silly teasing and abusive cruelty.

we guys are gross, but yours is crossing the line. what's up with the pee cups? and the poop? where was he raised?

Mostly teasing, but occasionally he would touch me with these stuff, I would act in disgust but he thinks it's fun. He's just too lazy to go to the bathroom for the pee cups thing, and I try to make sure that he empties the cups himself. As for the poop, he enjoys going after me with it. I think he's being a jerk but he denies it. He's raised in Northern Ireland, but I don't think it's relevant at all as his family aren't like that and neither are most people here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
119 Posts
Mostly teasing, but occasionally he would touch me with these stuff, I would act in disgust but he thinks it's fun. He's just too lazy to go to the bathroom for the pee cups thing, and I try to make sure that he empties the cups himself. As for the poop, he enjoys going after me with it. I think he's being a jerk but he denies it. He's raised in Northern Ireland, but I don't think it's relevant at all as his family aren't like that and neither are most people here.
He needs professional help!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
669 Posts
I have already tried it, but he doesn't listen and think it's just great fun that I should lighten up to.


Personally I would say normal people don't behave like this. Maybe not the best thing to say but ew.
Stop reacting...if he does something just ignore him. Half of the entertainment for him is getting a reaction from you.
Just like a toddler.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
250 Posts
It's not even like it's something he's unconscious of, but something that he actively does and will be able to change, if he wants to.
Is he able to change? Sounds more like there is a psychiatric condition or a fetish or domination/humiliation issue.
According to you he feels no regret or remorse putting you through that and is not disgusted by it (I mean who runs around with his dirty finger wanting to show it off, doing it more than once is no joke anymore, it shows that he somehow gets pleasure out of it.).

I really don't think an ultimatum is able to change his behaviour. Get yourself out off this mess.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
303 Posts
Too lazy to go to the bathroom?
Man, that is gross! No one should have to live like that.

You said you're financially dependent on him? Maybe that's something you can wok on?

How old are you two?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
225 Posts
Mostly teasing, but occasionally he would touch me with these stuff, I would act in disgust but he thinks it's fun.
He thinks touching you with poop or other disgusting stuff is fun?? That sounds abusive to me.

He's just too lazy to go to the bathroom for the pee cups thing, and I try to make sure that he empties the cups himself.
Ok I am losing my mind now.

As for the poop, he enjoys going after me with it. I think he's being a jerk but he denies it. He's raised in Northern Ireland, but I don't think it's relevant at all as his family aren't like that and neither are most people here.
Heartweaver, I suggest sitting him down and letting him know that you do not like this behavior, do not find it funny and if he wants to keep it up he can leave and go abuse someone else. I'm not sure what you meant by the finances? Meaning you are dependent on him for money? Thankfully you don't have kids.

Don't put up with this. If you are dependent on him financially, can you take steps to become more independent?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,360 Posts
OK I've dealt with immature and I've dealt with OCD. And let me tell you that there is nothing Normal about your situation. An OCD person would be hiding in the closet, or scrubbing, or worse. An immature person would be pretending that chocolate cake batter was poop.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
45,071 Posts
How old are the two of you?

How long have you been married?

It sounds to me like he has serious mental health issues. It's not 'normal' to play with human poop. The reason that we have toilets to get rid of poop is that it's a filthy substance that can be filled with all kinds of bacteria, parasites and other things that can get us ill.

I do think that what he is doing is a form of abuse because he's using it to torment you and he's endangering your health.

What he's doing is not funny. But as long as you do not really take it seriously, he won't either. If you were serious about not wanting him to do these things, you would tell him that either he stops or you are leaving... "I'm not staying in a marriage with man who plays with his own poop and pees all over the place. I'm leaving."

Clearly you don't really find this to be a serious issue. So it might be a good idea if you start by YOU going to a psychiatrist to find out why you would stay in this situation.

If you are financially dependent on him, why not get a job and become independent? Then you can do what is best for youself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,283 Posts
The first time he came after me with poop he would get hurt, that is some f'ed stuff, there is nothing funny about it.

Are you and he doing drugs or a lot of drinking? That's about the only way I could see someone behaving that way or you putting up with it.

I get a little nauseated thinking about how bad your house looks and smells.
 
1 - 20 of 45 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top