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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
i posted this as part of my response to another users question, and realized i should just post it as it is:

im here because the boy i met and befriended in 2006 and who i fell in love with in 2007 and have remained in love with all these years, and in contact with until 2014 or 2015, he and i reconnected recently and started dating. i tried to tell him i was in love with him back in 2007 but he made it exceedingly difficult for me because he was lashing out at me all the time and hurting me, because of something i had said in 2006 that he MISUNDERSTOOD and took as rejection. Then while i was still trying, still looking for a safe moment and way to tell him, he joined the miilitary, and we all know the military downgrades peoples character, and that soldiers tend to sleep around. So i decided not to tell him because i knew what he would do in the military, especialy once he announced he ws going to Japan. i figured it was too late. (it was.) i knew as soon as he announced he was enlisting in the marines he would go downhill, and then as soon as he announced he was going to Japan i knew he was going to try to f*ck Asian girls. Because 1. Theyre very heavily fetishized, 2. Hes a gamer/ anime and manga fan, and a moron.
And so he did. He made sure he did.
As soon as he and i started dating, he confirmed my worst fears, and then some. That not only did he have sex as soon as he landed in Japan, he also payed for and had sex with prostitutes. He bragged about it, to me, in fact. Including when he and i were in bed together, telling me the females he had sex with always put the condoms on him FOR him. He also told me while he and i were in bed together how Asian girls moan in bed. He told me at some point the prostitutes sucked his penis and then he penetrated them (in different wording). Hes just not the boy i fell in love with anymore. Not at ALL. And on top of that im sickened by him now, he disgusts me and his body disgusts me, i can only see a disgusting John when i look at him, and i cant even THINK of him in any sexual way anymore because thats all i see even in my mind; him screwing prostitutes and whoever else, them sucking on his penis, him groping them, him penetrating them, them mounting him, him orgasming, etc.
It just so happens, he was a VIRGIN when he enlisted. It could have been and should have been me. It should have been for love.
And, hes only had sex ONCE since leaving the military. So basically every bit of sex hes ever had except ONE encounter was while in the military. So if he could hold out all these years why couldnt he have held out then. Would have given me more time to find a good moment to tell him how i felt.
At the same time as him rubbing all that in my face, hes been trying to convince me im THE ONE for him and he wants to marry me and have children with me. Uh, no. That dream died with his soul.
But im still attached to who he WAS, and trying to figure out how to break away from him completely, in my mind and my heart. ive been in love with him since 2007, and will always be in love with who he was then. Ending the ties, thus, is no easy task.
Worse still, is that while i was almost certain he was in love with me back then, (2007 2008 and possibly even while he was in the military and after) he has confirmed it, since he and i started dating. But he clearly does not love me NOW.
i lost my guy. Hes f*cking GONE. Our window has passed. And im left devastated.

Any and all advice is appreciated. i will hear all advice and commentary, even if its brutal honesty. i can handle it. And trust me whatever you have to say is nothing in comparison to what goes on in my mind in response to all this.

im expecting some people to try to change my mind on the military, in response to this post, though. Dont bother. it wont work. i mean you can try, but i wont budge. And its not the question im asking.
Military was always on my will never date list but then the guy i already was in love with enlisted. And it turned out exactly as i was expecting. Worse, actually.

Right, i forgot to mention he told me the Yakuza was running the prostitution. He knew that when he was doing it. So he was perfectly aware he was funding organized crime, and i have a very hard time believing he didnt know the prostitutes were most likely forced into doing it.
 

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I was going to try and respond to several of your points but I decided to keep this short.

This man is occupying way to much of your mental capacity. You are going to need to let go of what might have been. He was probably never who you thought he was, but you really hoped he was that person.
 

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Well, the things he did with the prostitutes sound fairly normal to me. (Not that he was with prostitutes -- the sex acts.) You've answered your own question. The guy you wanted is gone. He's a different person now (if that's a bad thing.) It may be hard to move on, but life will be much harder if you don't.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I was going to try and respond to several of your points but I decided to keep this short.

This man is occupying way to much of your mental capacity. You are going to need to let go of what might have been. He was probably never who you thought he was, but you really hoped he was that person.
i would like to have heard your opinion on evrything, but still i thank you for the response.
 

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Some problems have hard solutions. Some don't.

Why are you making this into a problem with a difficult solution? You don't like this guy, you cannot possibly be in love with him in any meaningful way given your description of how he makes you feel, even if you are still infatuated with the person you met 14 years ago, who no longer exists, yet you need help in realizing what has to happen next?

Rip off the band-aid. Eject this guy from your life and get to the business of finding someone else.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Well, the things he did with the prostitutes sound fairly normal to me. (Not that he was with prostitutes -- the sex acts.) You've answered your own question. The guy you wanted is gone. He's a different person now (if that's a bad thing.) It may be hard to move on, but life will be much harder if you don't.
im assuming youve never experienced someone you love have sex with someone else. Youre very fortunate, then. it doesnt matter if it was someting extreme or something basic, it was him having sex with other people, and prostitutes to make it even worse.
The point is, its excrutiatingly painful and disturbing no matter what was done, or who it was with.
i hope you understand a bit better now.
But aside from that, i thank you for your opinion.
 

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It just so happens, he was a VIRGIN when he enlisted...And, he's only had sex ONCE since leaving the military. So basically every bit of sex he's ever had except ONE encounter was while in the military.
I'm a little slow sometimes. When were you two in bed for your to be disgusted?
 

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im assuming youve never experienced someone you love have sex with someone else.
Au contraire

it doesnt matter if it was someting extreme or something basic, it was him having sex with other people, and prostitutes to make it even worse.
I get that and fully understand your feelings about it.

The point is, its excrutiatingly painful and disturbing no matter what was done, or who it was with.
No doubt.

i hope you understand a bit better now.
But aside from that, i thank you for your opinion.
That's a little snarky. I don't mind, but you might discourage others from commenting, and their advice is superior to anything I'd have to say. I've been where you are, and it's horrible. I hope you get some input here that helps.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Some problems have hard solutions. Some don't.

Why are you making this into a problem with a difficult solution? You don't like this guy, you cannot possibly be in love with him in any meaningful way given your description of how he makes you feel, even if you are still infatuated with the person you met 14 years ago, who no longer exists, yet you need help in realizing what has to happen next?

Rip off the band-aid. Eject this guy from your life and get to the business of finding someone else.
in love with who he was in the past, but yes. Those feelings are reserved for a former version of himself. Which even you say no longer exists, therefore it should not be so difficult to believe that my feelings for that person are very real. Not infatuation. Id say infatuation is more like what it became more recently, in addition to the longing for who he once was and the attachment he and i once had. He loved me too, back then.
im aware there may be a level of codependency present in the current times. i am aware of this. But this is what im tryig to figure out. And therapy is what i WANT but is out of reach right now.
 

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What is there to say at this point? The past is done and over. There’s no point in holding on to it. Let go and move on.

BTW, I speak from long-ago experience (teenage girl in love with a boy who was sent to Japan for a couple of years).
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I was going to try and respond to several of your points but I decided to keep this short.

This man is occupying way to much of your mental capacity. You are going to need to let go of what might have been. He was probably never who you thought he was, but you really hoped he was that person.
Forgot to respond to a part of what you said. He was exactly who i thought him to be.

Yes, he is a diferent person now. The one i fell in love with was emotionally dishonest, yes, also 18 years old so had some work to do on communcation but so did i. But not abusive, and he would never have bragged or rubbed something like that in my face. He had opportunities when other girls clung to him but never did. Plus he wold never have even imained having sex with prostitutes back then. In fact back then he was an avoidant. He changed very, very much in the military.
 

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You're in love with a ghost. The guy bedding you now is an immature pig - a piglet if you will. Do you really think he thinks you're the one when he's regaling you with stories of what he did with prostitutes? No, hon, he doesn't love you nor respect you. Run!
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I'm a little slow sometimes. When were you two in bed for your to be disgusted?
But before it had really sunken in.
i became disgusted to that point after having some time to process it. Have not had any sexual contact with him since. i believe i may be incapable.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
That's a little snarky. I don't mind, but you might discourage others from commenting, and their advice is superior to anything I'd have to say. I've been where you are, and it's horrible. I hope you get some input here that helps.
i didnt intend for it to be. i just thought you didnt understand what i meant or how i feel.
Just the fact that you thought i was being snarky when i wasnt is proof enough you misunderstand me. Perhaps you and i have a communication barrier.
i can be matter of fact, but it doesnt mean im trying to be snarky.
When i have issues with people, im forthcoming. Trust me, the guy im asking about has had 1,000,000 earfuls. He knows EVERYTHING ive posted here. i just need some outside input. Hes contantly trying to convince me to stay with him. And yes it does make it harder to just settle on a choice. i got of topic.. i wasnt being snarky. We're cool.

Also, im very sorry for your experiences. Its so unbearably painful.
 

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Forgot to respond to a part of what you said. He was exactly who i thought him to be.

Yes, he is a diferent person now. The one i fell in love with was emotionally dishonest, yes, also 18 years old so had some work to do on communcation but so did i. But not abusive, and he would never have bragged or rubbed something like that in my face. He had opportunities when other girls clung to him but never did. Plus he wold never have even imained having sex with prostitutes back then. In fact back then he was an avoidant. He changed very, very much in the military.
He was always this person. Back then, he just hadn't had the chances to show it yet. Do you really think someone made him into something else?
 

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You love the image, the MEMORY, NOT the guy. He clearly isn't (AND WASN'T who you thought he was).
You said he WAS exactly that guy --- so, would THAT GUY immediately go to hookers in Japan to lose his virginity? He obviously, even THEN, didn't hold sex as anything special. You said he was maybe emotionally dishonesst back then -- WELL, He STILL is -- rubbing all this in your face tells you that he STILL has NO CLUE about emotions, namely YOURS.
He isn't caring towards you now. He thinks that he went off and sowed his wild oats, and YOU were just sitting there pining for him, and "Hey, isn't this great? I'm now back so, cool, right???"

If you can't afford therapy, there is a book called "Co-Dependent No More" -- get that for yourself and read...

So sorry that your memories have been so shattered...
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
What is there to say at this point? The past is done and over. There’s no point in holding on to it. Let go and move on.

BTW, I speak from long-ago experience (teenage girl in love with a boy who was sent to Japan for a couple of years).
The past is never fully over, else it would not linger in the mind or through the outcomes it has created, nor would there be proof of its existence.
The now is the past, in the future. Is the now nothing? Will it someday be? Then we might as well all do whatever we want, since someday it will all amount to nothing.

Come at me with something better. Everyone knows the past is relevant.

And you list your source as a teenage girl who was in love with a boy who went to Japan. That says nothing at all of your ability to relate to me. Did he have sex with other people while you loved him? Did he brag about it to you or somehow rub it in your face at any point? If not, there is zero relevance in your supposed sourcing.
 

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Is this awful man really who you want to be with? Just end it. Cut off all contact and tell him that he isn't to contact you again. Find yourself a decent man who will treat you with respect.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
You're in love with a ghost. The guy bedding you now is an immature pig - a piglet if you will. Do you really think he thinks you're the one when he's regaling you with stories of what he did with prostitutes? No, hon, he doesn't love you nor respect you. Run!
Thanks Blondilocks. Youve actually used some of my own wording when describing it to him.
i appreciate your opinion and your concern for my well being.
 
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