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Discussion Starter #1
Hi all,

I have been married to my wife for 12 years. We have been together for 17 years. I have 2 children under age 10. For the past few years my wife an i have grown apart. Finally, things have hit a breaking point for me. We get along ok together and enjoy family time with the kids, neighbors etc. but there is no more romance in the relationship. My wife has been feeling disconnected from me for the past 7 years (so she says). We have never been a couple that fought and we never share a deep intimacy with each other built on shared struggles etc. (then again, we have never had much to struggle about. We have had minimal tragedy over the past 17 years.)

That being said, my wife has told me that she feels alone and is not "in love" with me. We have been in marriage counseling for the past two months. She does not believe in it, not does she believe she needs to do anything to make this marriage fullfilling for either of us. She feels that she is sho she is and that organically, we should come together. She believes that people who never shared deep intimacy which fosters deep connection cannot simply "work at it". It not something you have or do not.

I have been in an emotional spiral trying for months to change and fix the situation which is not working. It is actually pushing her father away. Today she sugggested we get a shared apartment as she does not see how we can move forward with the same tension and dynamic in our house. I am not sure how splitting time in and out of our house supports the idea that we both want to save the marriage. What am I mssing here?

The thought of leaving my kids and not being with them every single day gives me tremendous anxiety and fills me with such deep dark sadness. However, we are room mates and I need a wife. I am a good man but feel she is giving up on this marriage and therefore I need to start preparing for the worst case. The current situation is incredibly debiltating emotionally for me. The uncertainty is unbearable. My emotional and physical needs are not being met. I love her and want to make it work but do not feel like I have a partner here. Someone please give me some perspective.

thx
 

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,youre not alone friend. Follow this precious advice, because i and countless others did not. Do not beg, do not plead, it will do no good. It will drive her father away. Nothing you will say or do will change her heart or mind. Do a 180 for yourself. Start to detach yourself from her. She is no longer the woman you married. Read married man sex primer by athol kay. Read No more mr. Nice Guy. Get tough and get ready for the worst. I hate to be the bearer of this advice but i am speaking from experience. I am going through it RIGHT NOW.
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Also, in other threads on this site you will find posts by Synthetic listing the 180 rules and guidelines for detaching yourself. Read them and live them and you will survive. Disregard them and you will be a worthless lump laying in a pool of your own pity and sorrow...
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hmm. advice.
well, if my wife told me people come together "organically???" (seriously??)
and we were still under the same roof. And my emotional and physical needs werent being met. I probably wouldnt be too concerned with the marriage site, or chat room. But i would probably find my way to where she lay sleeping. And start kissing her up and down her body and taking her clothes off and put my penis in her.
But that is just me. ;)

Especially if she said there was a disconnect and no romance blah blah blah.

And she doesnt want counseling, probably because it more work. she wants passion, love, connection. More enjoyment.
yes, just my take on it, but if i were you i would find a way to woo her and get back in her pants. Like, go find her right now.
 

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p.s.

you have to have enjoyment. People say "work at it". Because you need to. But most of your relationship should be enjoying it. you spend all your time looking for a problem, you just made one.
Maybe it is a problem on your side as well. Maybe, just MAYBE, you didnt learn to ENJOY your wife.
Good God man. They aint all work. you are suppose to be enjoying her. That is part of that intimacy and where it comes from.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Bribrius,

I wish it was that simple. It takes two people. I cannot "woo" someone is not open to it at all. We have had sex one in the last 3 months and it was incredibly awkward. She does not give me affection and considers me "family".

We are a good team at managing the household and kids etc. but when we are alone, she has nothing to give.

Oh, did I mention she was diagnosed with MS this year and is turning 40?
 

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Bribrius,

I wish it was that simple. It takes two people. I cannot "woo" someone is not open to it at all. We have had sex one in the last 3 months and it was incredibly awkward. She does not give
me affection and considers me "family".

We are a good team at managing the household and kids etc. but when we are alone, she has nothing to give.

Oh, did I mention she was diagnosed with MS this year and is turning 40?
Im tellin ya man, heard all the same stuff. You seem to have a good grasp on the situation. Heed my earlier posts...or youre done....like i am.....i did everything too late despite being warned repeatedly by the fine folks on here. Start thinking about how to live your life without her. Im still trying to figure it out. Be the best daddy you can be and find strength in your children. Tellin ya man, im just tellin ya...
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The next thing she will ask for is a total seperation, this as a last resort to see if she misses you and give YOU space to see that she is right. Its like a handbook for walk away wives. They all read the same script.
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Right now you are reading into any and everything she does looking for hope...dont. LET HER GO! Let her miss you now, before it comes to that. Raise your rank. But do it for you. Look, im toast, but i aint gonna let someone else go down without trying to help.
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If you haven't real Married Mans Sex Life get it ASAP and read it. It is not a sex manual. It is a view and plan for kicking up yourself and your value to your wife.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Stuckmick,

I am going into marriage counseling tomorrow night and going to lay out my thoughts to the MC which are as follows:

- MC appears to be a waste of time because she is not an active participant and does not believe this is helpful

- Nothing I do is working or will work

- She feels we need to create a level of intimacy that was never there (even though we were in love and together 5 years before we got married) and this needs to happen naturally or else it is not meant to be (i.e not willing to work toward reconciliation which is telling me she wants to be seperated)
- Cannot see how things can ever get better under the current conditions (living under the sale roof)

- States that she is who she is and is not willing to change herself which tells me she would rather be without me for the chance she might find the relationship she is longer for.

- I have never been someone she turned to for emotional support and cannot do it now so therefore cannot create the intimacy we both crave (this tells me she does not want it with me)

- She says she needs space to figure things out (this pisses me off because why should I have to leave the house and give up my time with my children so SHE can figure out what she wants. If she needs space then perhaps she should move out. it is an option)

Essentially, there is nothing indicating to me that she is interested in growing our relationship to be what we both want. if she needs more time to figure this out, I will need to give it to her but the idead of sharing a place feels like treading water to the inevitable.

Stuckmick - what mistakes did you make specifically that you want me to avoid? I am really trying to prepare myself for the end of this and stepping away. It is hard when she wants everyday life to be the same. She still says "I love you" and we try to carry one like things are ok when around the kids. Clearly they are not. We have social events to attend together and spending time with her is difficult for me because it feels like a giant black cloud is sitting over our heads.
 

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Stuckmick,

I am going into marriage counseling tomorrow night and going to lay out my thoughts to the MC which are as follows:

- MC appears to be a waste of time because she is not an active participant and does not believe this is helpful

- Nothing I do is working or will work

- She feels we need to create a level of intimacy that was never there (even though we were in love and together 5 years before we got married) and this needs to happen naturally or else it is not meant to be (i.e not willing to work toward reconciliation which is telling me she wants to be seperated)
- Cannot see how things can ever get better under the current conditions (living under the sale roof)

- States that she is who she is and is not willing to change herself which tells me she would rather be without me for the chance she might find the relationship she is longer for.

- I have never been someone she turned to for emotional support and cannot do it now so therefore cannot create the intimacy we both crave (this tells me she does not want it with me)

- She says she needs space to figure things out (this pisses me off because why should I have to leave the house and give up my time with my children so SHE can figure out what she wants. If she needs space then perhaps she should move out. it is an option)

Essentially, there is nothing indicating to me that she is interested in growing our relationship to be what we both want. if she needs more time to figure this out, I will need to give it to her but the idead of sharing a place feels like treading water to the inevitable.

Stuckmick - what mistakes did you make specifically that you want me to avoid? I am really trying to prepare myself for the end of this and stepping away. It is hard when she wants everyday life to be the same. She still says "I love you" and we try to carry one like things are ok when around the kids. Clearly they are not. We have social events to attend together and spending time with her is difficult for me because it feels like a giant black cloud is sitting over our heads.
First of all, figure out what you want. It sounds to me like you want to stay married. Ok, then work on it. But what i am saying is it sounds like she has detached from you. Not good. Read MMSL. Raise your rank. There is a reason she fell in love with you. Let her find it again. My mistakes? Plenty....do not chase her, beg her, plead, , nothing. Start the 180 for yourself. Begin to detach. Do NOT read anything into her words or actions looking for hope. That is a dry well. You will drive yourself crazy looking for the minutiae of her actions, the smallest ray of hope. DONT!. I am suffering because i did not follow these simple steps. I did ALL the things stated above . It did no good. It drove her farther away and now she is gone forever. Look up Synthetics rules. Its posted in numerous threads throughout TAM. Learn them ,live them. I hope the best for you. Maybe im not the best one to ask looking for hope, but i can damn sure tell you what wont work.
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yes, I want to stay married. We went to counseling last night and since she is willing to do nothing and needs space, then we are going to get seperated. My efforts to save the marriage have gone nowhere. She is content in keeping things as is and living her life everyday. She is not interested in reconciling. What she says she needs is space to "figure things out". I don't truly believe her. I think that she wants the space as the start of divorce etc. but doesn't have the courage to admit.

We are meeting with out MC in a few weeks to talk about the options around separation which may mean sharing an apt (if the reasons are clear) or her moving out (which she will hate) but there is no way I am moving out. I am not asking for the space.

It is difficult to turn off the hurt and act as if things are ok but I will. Meeting with a lawyer next week. I wish I could say that I had a partner who wanted to work on the marriage but I do not. I have to start detaching. I have the 180 rules which I carry in my pocket (even though infidelity is not part of the issue) and I bought the book "Married man's sex life. I cannot save this marriage by myself.
 

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You might want to try the marriage builders program. From what you are writing about what your wife wants.... is to build \ recover "romantic love" which is the basis of the course. It will work... or not.

Might be too late now?

Only other comment I have is MS is a chronic, eventually fatal disease. Along with turning 40, I hope she is going to "figure that out" as well?

Any chance she doesn't want YOU to see her detoriate, suffer, becoming dependent? Sometimes a diagnosis like that can cause people to do some rash things. Have you talked about any of that?
 

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No, you cannot. I learned it far too late. I am a good, good hard working man who doesnt deserve this. My wife is a monster, cold and heartless. Yours is too. Meet with the lawyer and file.
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No, you cannot. I learned it far too late. I am a good, good hard working man who doesnt deserve this. My wife is a monster, cold and heartless. Yours is too. Meet with the lawyer and file.
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Is your wife facing a death sentence from a disease that will take years to maim you before it kills you?
 

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Is my wife facing a death sentence? Are you referring to the MS? That I do not know. Her symptoms are mild and infrequent. She does not have any physical signs of deterioration. Mentally, I have no idea how scared she is. She has been powering through. She takes her medicine daily etc. She does not show any sign of weakness or vulnerability to me. She won't let me in. So, there is no intimacy.
 

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hmm. advice.
well, if my wife told me people come together "organically???" (seriously??)
and we were still under the same roof. And my emotional and physical needs werent being met. I probably wouldnt be too concerned with the marriage site, or chat room. But i would probably find my way to where she lay sleeping. And start kissing her up and down her body and taking her clothes off and put my penis in her.
But that is just me. ;)

Especially if she said there was a disconnect and no romance blah blah blah.

And she doesnt want counseling, probably because it more work. she wants passion, love, connection. More enjoyment.
yes, just my take on it, but if i were you i would find a way to woo her and get back in her pants. Like, go find her right now.
I agree with this poster. But Not just necessarly jumping right into it. . .start slow. Say to her first, I love you. I don't want for you to go. Tell her WHY you love her, WHY you want her to stay. Let her know she is not alone. . .

Then, when it feels right, ask her to a movie, have a date night.

I am a walk away wife . . .it would have worked for me. Married 10 year, 2 kids, much tragedy in our life.


The counseling won't work unless you actually put effort in on your part; especially if she is feeling she has done all she can.
 
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