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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Full disclosure this will be long.

My husband and I dated for 10 years before marrying on our 10 year anniversary. Six weeks before the wedding I found out that my husband embezzled close to 50K over a period of nine months from his employer, who happens to be a close family friend. He admitted what he did to his boss, parents, and myself and is in the process of paying back the money.

At first he claimed that he stole the money in order to give me everything I wanted and deserved for the wedding, even though I did not ask for a “dream wedding”. You see I had wanted to get married before we did. It didn't matter to me that we would have to struggle for a bit. We are upwardly mobile and I just knew that we would be OK, together (yes, I was naïve).

He came from an old school Southern family and felt, and still feels, like he needs to provide for his family. I understood that this meant that I would have to be patient. In the meantime, it was really important to me that he move out of his parents’ house, where he moved back in after undergrad, so that he could learn how to stand on his own two feet. He comes from a well off family and never wanted for anything. If it even looked like he would be late on a credit card bill his father would pay it.

Him waiting to propose and not moving out translated into him wanting to give me everything and anything I wanted. He used all types of excuses. He would tell me that his father gave him money to take me out. That his boss gave him an on the spot bonus so he would take me for dinner and drinks. On my 30th birthday things started to unravel. I asked him, point blank, if anything was wrong. He lied to my face and said no. A few weeks later I learned about the stolen money and the lying. I was numb. I didn’t know what to do. He lied to me for nine months, but we had been together for ten years. Which mattered more? Should I post pone the wedding? We had already been through pre-marital counseling with my priest and a PhD. I thought we were doing everything by the book. I thought we were being responsible adults.

I had been in individual therapy for about a year to deal with all the poop from my childhood as I was physically and mentally abused as a kid. I thought that while marriage is work and that the first year is supposed to be hard that we were doing all of our due diligence. I was so wrong. I felt so betrayed. He lied to me for nine months.

We decided to get married and go on our honeymoon. I was hoping to use the honeymoon as a sort of couples retreat. He did not want to discuss anything until we got home. That is his family’s modus operandi, ignore until it can be swept under the rug. Over dinner one night I asked him what he spent the money on and he said that he spent it on the wedding. At that point I was done. If that were true then the wedding should have been fully paid for, yet we still have bills. He lied again.

Fast forward a bit and we moved in together and were in marriage counseling. Things were miserable. We were not intimate on our honeymoon. We weren’t sleeping in the same room. It was not what I thought it would be. We were in therapy for about 6 months. Needless to say money has been tight but things have been looking up. I told him a few weeks ago that I was pretty happy and that I hope for the future….that is until this past Friday.

He stayed at work late and he sent me a text asking me to pay the Neiman Marcus card. Earlier in the week I told him that I did not have any money due to $120 in unforeseen medical bills. I thought that covered the fact that I would not be able to pay the Neiman’s card. He thought that I should have specially stated that I was broke and that I could not pay the Neiman’s card. He blew up at me on the phone. He called me fiscally irresponsible. I will admit, as I have to him, that I have been fiscally irresponsible in the past and that I was working on it , but I am not the one who STOLE money. I have been the one paying our rent. If not for me we would be living with his parents or studio very far out of town. I left him a note staying to sleep on the futon. When he got home he just kept picking a fight. I told him that I was tired and he accused me of always picking when we talk. He then called me “weak”, and slammed the door shut. He then opened the door and said, “You are weak and pathetic. You are a weak and pathetic little girl, **** you” and slammed the door again.

I marinated on what he said for a bit and asked him why he thought that was ok to say and why he believed it to be true. We talked back and forth a bit.

The next day I asked for a separation. I lived with abuse for 18 years and I cannot and WILLNOT. He knows what I lived through. He knows how hard I have tried this year. I have had to bend and compromise on pretty much everything I wanted this year. Things are still unresolved and he is falling into old habits of wondering why this hasn’t been swept under the rug yet. I just think that we need some time to think about this relationship. He has used this relationship to blame his shortcomings on. I have gone to individual and couples therapy. I feel like I am putting my all into this relationship and in return I get called weak and pathetic.

What to so next
 

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what happens

I posted on your husbands thread. I would just like to say that if I had heard your side as well I would have been more emphatic about his need to apologise to you. After that it is up to you.

I wish you well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 · (Edited)
Hi there. I have been clearly upset all day. My husband had read me some of the post people had made to his replies before I left the house this morning. The ability to be honest online seemed like a great way to get honest feedback. I spent a lot of time looking up support groups and this site kept coming up. I guess I shouldn't have filled out the profile or I should have omitted some things. Heck maybe I should have done a keyword search. I am not trying to do a he said/she said. This whole thing is painful enough without that. In really wish my post wasn't linked to his.

Thank you for replying but I really think I will have to post to another site. Any suggestions?
 

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Well, he did leave out the part where HE was "fiscally irresponsible". He has some gall saying that!

I vote for more marriage counseling. Ya'll have been together for 10 years...you must have something going for you. (relationship-wise!) Both of you...learn how to argue, learn how to face issues, learn how to appreciate each others' strengths.
 

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Hi whathappensnow, that is a good question to ask. What does happen now?

If you two did counseling together, I'm not clear on why his ineffective strategy of dealing with conflict (sweeping it under the rug, minimizing, blaming others) hasn't already been brought up? But then again, if someone isn't honest in counseling, they're wasting everyone's time and money.

I haven't read your husbands thread, but will find it later. For right now, it seems to me that your husband has been hopelessly indulged his whole life. Has had Mommy and Daddy to clear away all conflict, protect him from blame, shield him him from the consequences of his own actions, took over what he should have been responsible for, they probably had a fight or two with his various schools about mitigating circumstances for why he wouldn't be held to the same standard as everyone else.(Helicopter parenting produces people like your husband.) People like this, both men and women, never grow up. As long as they have everything they want, they are wonderful people. But when life's **** storms hit, they cannot be counted on at all.

Based on JUST what you have written, you've got a man who stole from a family friend and lied to his wife for 9months, doesn't like to talk about conflict except to blame and can't be counted on. If you were my daughter, I'd do my best to help you end this relationship so you can find a husband worthy. Does the thought of ending it make you cringe? Does the thought of ending it make you feel vindicated?

How do you feel about ending it?
 

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Hi there. I have been clearly upset all day. My husband had read me some of the post people had made to his replies before I left the house this morning. The ability to be honest online seemed like a great way to get honest feedback. I spent a lot of time looking up support groups and this site kept coming up. I guess I shouldn't have filled out the profile or I should have omitted some things. Heck maybe I should have done a keyword search. I am not trying to do a he said/she said. This whole thing is painful enough without that. In really wish my post wasn't linked to his.

Thank you for replying but I really think I will have to post to another site. Any suggestions?
Do you find that you're getting bad feedback now that your posts are linked?

My intention wasn't to make you uncomfortable, and I apologize if it has.
 
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