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Discussion Starter #1
Long story short:

I discovered my husband had been having an "online affair" with another woman with intentions to take it further. When I found the conversations there was mention of a meet up or two. Since confronting my husband he has been extremely sorry and open. He deactivated his FB account, given me passwords to all email and full access to his phone. He's even letting me follow him using the 'find my phone' option on his iPhone, so if I feel the need I can check up on his whereabouts.

It's been 4 months since I discovered his little indiscretion, and we are working through it, but there's an issue that's still a sticking point in my mind. His conversations with the other woman were extremely explicit, yet the most hurtful things he said were the blatant lies about me. He'd made himself out to be a trapped man in a loveless marriage with an ogre wife holding his kids hostage. He's since admitted to me that he made things out to be like that towards the other woman because it made it easier for them both to carry on if I was perceived as an awful person. This woman is friends with his friends, so of course there will be talk. Now his friends see me as an awful person. We have agreed no further contact with this woman, and the only contact he had was on Facebook, which as I said he deactivated. I feel like he needs to go back and tell her he was lying, that I'm really not as awful as he made me to be. I don't want people to think I am so terrible. He was being neglected at the time, but I'd literally had a baby the week before he took up with her and the pregnancy was horrendous.

Should he reactivate his account to set things strait? There is a kernel of fear that if he got back on Facebook he'd remember how good she made him feel and that he'd want to go back there. I don't trust him yet. I just don't know what step to take next. I hate that his friends have this skewed version of me.
 

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Annie

Do not reactivate his FB account

How about you have him write out everything he told you about his lies about you. That way when you feel that you have to get someone straight about you then you have a hand written confession from your hubby. You have control without having the possibility of a FB relapse.
 

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Don't worry about what other people think of you, never worry about that.
What he did was cruel, 1 week after you had a baby together?! It's great he's being remorseful, and transparent, hope he's kissing the ground you walk on!

Just focus on what you've got to focus on, as Mr Blunt said DO NOT get back in contact with her. And if he's made you out to be so bad to her, I would imagine his friends hear about it too. She won't be talking much anyway, as soon as his true love found out, he cold shouldered her, she'll be feeling pretty neglected, and won't want to brag! just a silly slapper, silly slappers opinions mean nothing.....to noone but their silly slapper mates, who's opinions, by default mean....nothing.

Live your life safe in the knowledge that you're a real women, no amount of slander could influence that!
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Do not have him reactivate his fb account. Do not worry about him correcting his lies. She will just state that you are "making" him do it. You know the truth about your marriage and what state it was in. If his friends have anything to say about the affair, then ignore them. Or you can ask them what they think of their friends being liars and cheaters.

In the meantime, take care of yourself and the baby!!!!
 

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Long story short:

I discovered my husband had been having an "online affair" with another woman with intentions to take it further. When I found the conversations there was mention of a meet up or two. Since confronting my husband he has been extremely sorry and open. He deactivated his FB account, given me passwords to all email and full access to his phone. He's even letting me follow him using the 'find my phone' option on his iPhone, so if I feel the need I can check up on his whereabouts.

It's been 4 months since I discovered his little indiscretion, and we are working through it, but there's an issue that's still a sticking point in my mind. His conversations with the other woman were extremely explicit, yet the most hurtful things he said were the blatant lies about me. He'd made himself out to be a trapped man in a loveless marriage with an ogre wife holding his kids hostage. He's since admitted to me that he made things out to be like that towards the other woman because it made it easier for them both to carry on if I was perceived as an awful person. This woman is friends with his friends, so of course there will be talk. Now his friends see me as an awful person. We have agreed no further contact with this woman, and the only contact he had was on Facebook, which as I said he deactivated. I feel like he needs to go back and tell her he was lying, that I'm really not as awful as he made me to be. I don't want people to think I am so terrible. He was being neglected at the time, but I'd literally had a baby the week before he took up with her and the pregnancy was horrendous.

Should he reactivate his account to set things strait? There is a kernel of fear that if he got back on Facebook he'd remember how good she made him feel and that he'd want to go back there. I don't trust him yet. I just don't know what step to take next. I hate that his friends have this skewed version of me.

IMO, YOU should contact her spouse and her and have this little talk in front of both of them.

My STBEH did the same thing. Painted me as totally black and it was all lies except for a few minor issues like I liked to watch the news and I didn't like to go clubbing. (I'm so bad)

It's not unusual for a cheater to rewrite the marital history to assuage their own guilt and to manufacture reasons to justify cheating.

Still, you DO have a cheater on your hands. The fact that he got caught before meeting up means nothing.

I don't think he should ever contact her again though.

You do it. Or, you can go to an attorney and have him write a no contact letter in which it is mentioned that your husband manufactured untrue issue in the marriage and have husband sign the letter before having the attorney mail it.

But please alert her husband or significant other if she has one.
 

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Long story short:

I discovered my husband had been having an "online affair" with another woman with intentions to take it further. When I found the conversations there was mention of a meet up or two. Since confronting my husband he has been extremely sorry and open. He deactivated his FB account, given me passwords to all email and full access to his phone. He's even letting me follow him using the 'find my phone' option on his iPhone, so if I feel the need I can check up on his whereabouts.

It's been 4 months since I discovered his little indiscretion, and we are working through it, but there's an issue that's still a sticking point in my mind. His conversations with the other woman were extremely explicit, yet the most hurtful things he said were the blatant lies about me. He'd made himself out to be a trapped man in a loveless marriage with an ogre wife holding his kids hostage. He's since admitted to me that he made things out to be like that towards the other woman because it made it easier for them both to carry on if I was perceived as an awful person. This woman is friends with his friends, so of course there will be talk. Now his friends see me as an awful person. We have agreed no further contact with this woman, and the only contact he had was on Facebook, which as I said he deactivated. I feel like he needs to go back and tell her he was lying, that I'm really not as awful as he made me to be. I don't want people to think I am so terrible. He was being neglected at the time, but I'd literally had a baby the week before he took up with her and the pregnancy was horrendous.

Should he reactivate his account to set things strait? There is a kernel of fear that if he got back on Facebook he'd remember how good she made him feel and that he'd want to go back there. I don't trust him yet. I just don't know what step to take next. I hate that his friends have this skewed version of me.
And yet, HE is the one who betrayed his marriage vows, and painted you in a bad light to accomplish that feat.

So, his "friends" see you as a bad person, and yet he is staying with you. You must not be so bad after all, right? ;)

I wouldn't worry what his "friends" think. Anyone who actually knows you will know the truth. Anyone who doesn't know you will wonder why he is staying with you if you are so awful. Most people can "fill in the blanks" and realize that he lied about you in order to cheat.

There is no need to go back to FB and explain this to anyone. The results are what they are. You are with him; the OW is not. Your "reputation" is not damaged. Your H's "word" IS damaged.

Most, if not all, cheaters lie about their spouse. They paint this horrid picture of the betrayed person to attain their goal. Those other people do not know you and, if they believe what they are told by him, that's on them.

Stick with the "no contact". No explanations are necessary. Moving on is the best way to handle this.
 

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No FB. You have seen the potential for damage this little program can cause. You are not the first victim. Are these "friends" of your husband people that he has actual face to face contact with or just electronic "FB friends"?

If they are people he sees - he can set them straight. If they are electronic - who cares?
 

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I hear what you are saying, I feel the same about people getting the wrong idea by someone spreading malicious lies in order to make themselves look better. It is a strong sense of injustice that prevails when compounded by being wronged in such a big way. I think reactivating FB is a bad idea for those reasons above. And if you are not careful it will look like it has come directly from you. There is always the option of writing a NC (no contact) letter, compose it together, make it very neutral sounding, and just get him to add in it along with the fact that he has come to his senses and is sorry that he has been in contact with her on an unacceptable level, that he loves his wife, enjoys his marriage, and that he said some terrible things about his wife that were untrue, purely to meet his own selfish ends. And he should apologise for leading her on too. And that he wants nothing more to do with her. That I see is a fairly good option to get what you want. And then post it to her.

Please pipe up other posters if you see a huge flaw in this idea, as I am sure you will :)
 

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NO FB, your husband is married to you, his attention should not be friends, or a "book of friends", his attention should be to you and your family.

Who cares what others think, your husband already admitted that he lied and he is the only person that you need acknowledgement of approval or disapproval from. Keep him away from unnecessary contact with any women of the opposite sex, no ocasions for relapse. Actions speak louder than words, listen closely, or shall I saw watch closely to his actions.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Thanks for the advice everyone, you've confirmed that my hesitation for him to reactivate his FB is valid. He doesn't even want to go back on it. I've also deactivated my account so I can spend less time on there, and more time working on our marriage and kids. Even if he did contact her, she probably would think it was me, or at least me standing over him telling him what to do. When I first discovered what they were doing, I was logged onto H's account. I sent her a message telling her it was me and asking her what was going on. She was less than pleasant (of course) telling me it was all my fault for being a horrible wife and that I should go bang my head against a brick wall to knock some sense into me. Lovely lady.

The friends I was referring to are real life friends rather than electronic ones. The OW was someone he went to school with that had recently added him on FB. That's the problem with that thing, people are usually in your past for a reason, FB gives something that should be past the opportunity to be part of your present.

The no contact letter is a good idea, but we don't even know her address, just the town she is from. It was all Facebook and it was her that was planning on coming to my home while I was away visiting family (argh, that makes me feel sick). Although from reading the messages they sent each other, he never got around to telling her our address, thank God.

I guess I struggle with how I look towards his friends as they're all from the city, I'm country and have been trying to 'fit in' for years. I'm quiet and I think that comes across as snobby. I feel I've all my hard work has been undone, but when I think about it, it doesn't really matter I suppose. They haven't been very good friends to me OR H. On the night it all blew up and I told him I wanted him to leave, he called one of these friends and asked to stay at his house. H and I got to talking and he ended up staying at home (in another room) but never called his friend to tell him he wasn't coming. This friend never called to see why he didn't show...in fact it's been 4 months and the 'friend' hasn't contacted him at all. None of them have. H admitted to me recently, that even though he told this woman I was keeping him from his friends, he's come to see that his friends have been keeping themselves away from him.

So why do I feel the need to have them like me? I honestly don't know.

We are in the process of leaving the city and heading back to live in the same area as my family. It was H's suggestion, and I'm so glad. I'm ready to go home and have the support from my family. My mother doesn't know what H did, but my sister does. She's very respectful of our decision to work it out though, and doesn't treat H differently.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I think I'll take the advice to just move on. I hate what he did, and I still get moments of "what if I hadn't caught it in time", but I'm going to drive myself crazy if I don't let those thoughts go. I DID catch it in time, before the damage was irreparable, that's the main thing, right?
 

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I completely understand where you are coming from as I had the same. It ate at me for such a long time and 12 months later he wrote the xOW a letter which we posted together. Our circumstances were a little different but the gist of the letter may help. I will PM you a copy.

This DID help me, in fact I hardly ever think of that aspect of the whole affair now.
 
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