[kittykat06]

"I'm 19 and i have a 10month old son. i got pregnant at the age of 17 my senior year of high school by my "now" husband. we had been together for 2 years and had one day thought of marriage. OK well i was young and didn't know what porn was and when i caught him i was just like WOW, i had no idea. i tried everything from watching it with him to different things he liked, to key loggers. well long long story but we have been married almost a year and a half.its went on our WHOLE relationship. i am not ugly (and I'm not being rude) its just I'm not by any means. because i am one of the worst to say I'm ugly, and its because of him, he tells me I'm pretty but i just don't see it at all. idk its weird. he told me that he would stop i love you, then at times called me a crazy *****. my husband when i say looks at it all day he looks at it almost 24/7. the only time he DOESN'T IS WHEN I'M AT HOME WITH HIM> and even then if i would get in the shower he would watch it on TV. he doesn't spend money on it so i guess that is good but he hacks into so much of it, its just not even funny. its made me go crazy, I'm 19 and i feel ugly as ever and i don't want to live my life like this, ya know and everyone says its not a big deal but it is when that's all he can think about. even when we would watch TV or a G movie just together if he saw someone that he liked he would look them up the next day on the Internet! he got a dating sites and i don't think he talked to anyone but ill never know. on his profile it said "attached male seeking female." but he said he got on them because it had pics on there. but who knows! its like I'm afraid to go anywhere or watch anything for he might think of them when he is "WITH" me. i got so obsessed that when i got in the shower i had a glass picture frame and i positioned it so i could see the TV without him knowing! i mean come on! how lame is that. yeah and he told me he never "got off" alone, and that's the one thing i believed him on ya know i could have took that to the grave. and the other day i came home from working a 48 hour shift at a domestic violence shelter and had saw the "mess" he forgot to clean up. I'm not in love with him anymore and i know if it is this bad now how will it be when i am in my 30s? 40s? 60? its just not fair. i do love him in ways, he is my child's father and we have 4 years together. he is my best friend. i just don't think i can ever feel the same about him, EVER. i am not obsessed as much now because i just don't care (love) i don't rush home when i know he is alone i just say oh well. i don't believe in divorce, but i am not happy and i pray to God every day to help me and the thing is, my husband does not believe. and its hard because i read up on it and people say that most of the time guys don't change because they don't have faith and God in their lives! finally he has gotten a appointment with a Dr. to get help. but if he does change i mean how can i trust him and love him the same. i have gave it my all and been nice before then he broke my heart again. its like I'm over it! and i don't believe in cheating at all cause i know how it feels to be hurt. but its like i feel i want to cheat on him because then i would have to beg and show him how much i want him to stay, its like it wouldn't hurt me as bad. and i know that is wrong but idk its how i feel. and i talk to some of my friends, my husband and i act like we are 80yrs old, we don't french kiss EVER not even when we have sex, we don't hold hands, we don't flirt, we just live together. all my friends still do all that stuff and they have been with their guys just as long as us. and their lives aren't perfect either? why cant we? its sad it really is! what do i do? i mean I'm in college and i have a son how can i afford a place of my own, he has a great job, and i want to go to school to better myself down the road. i just really need help!".......

OK here's the thing, i wrote that message to a "marriage help board thing" in June!?! its now mid. November. since then i have separated got back together" because he said he would get help" and separated and gone as far as getting the court date for the divorce! we my divorce was to be final on Nov.8th but i got it continued. i realized i couldn't make it alone, its hard I'm in college with a full time job. and child support isn't even enough to cover daycare costs for a month! anyways i kinda missed him and he told me we would get marriage counseling and he would stop. i gave him 60days to get help and change and a few other things, well he didn't do it. to my knowledge he hasn't looked at anything in over a month. but with that being said, he didn't make it the 60 days without looking at porn, and his reason for doing it was he got mad at me! well who is to say that the next time he gets mad, he wont do it again?!! anyways through all this i have had interest in other guys, i went and hung out with a friend a couple times, didn't cheat though. and i talked to this other guy a couple of times, once again i didn't cheat. finally i started to talking to this guy and well this time i did cheat! and that's awful i know and wrong, i went against all my morals! i didn't have sex, but cheating is cheating in Gods eyes! i am a christian and i did make a huge mistake! the thing is, i didn't really feel bad about it until the word affair, adultery was brought up!!! i just didn't think of it that way! and its awful, i should not have done it! i just don't know what else to do with my husband! he don't want to go to church or believe in God and it brings me down and therefore i don't think like i should! i just don't know what to do! any advise!?!

ok its now april. been married over two years now! idk things really hadnt changed much, i mean i think he hasnt looked at anything so thats really good. but now its like my love for him is just so far gone! we fight almost every day! and when i try and talk to him about how i feel he doesnt listen. he doesnt see how we dont hold hands or kiss and what not idk. he just says we do. and for jturcotte: Yes i tried watchin it with him!! he said it doesnt turn him on when he is with me! and heck i liked watchin it, if we were together. it spiced up some things! i mean its sad when i cant get wet b/c im just not into it! so anyways! i have even told him that if he needed to so bad then to watch it! im just tired of fighting! so anyways i think he isnt watchin it but who knows for sure! but its like the main reason i went out lookin for guys (even though i shouldnt have) last time was for attention, i wanted some1 to want me and flirt and stuff. its not that i really liked them, i just like attention. im just back to the point of that again, but i wont cheat again! never! i still cant believe i even did that! but its like now he doesnt respect the fact that i take care of our son and keep our house spotless and go to school and work. its like even in that area he doesnt give me credit. and if he is its just not how i need it! idk i sound like im just not easy to please but i really am! i mean you could ask anyone and im someone ppl want to be around, im most always happy. ill try and finsh writing more later cause i just need advice and i know we need counseling but until i can get hime to go with me i can use all the advice yall got! well im at work and its getting busy! thanks for all the advice!

 

[draconis]

Here is my opinions on the matter(s) at hand.

1) Your husband is addicted to porn, and in a bad way. He has neglected you and views it with a child in the house (assupmtion based on the all the time thing.) He is masturbating to it as well. Has lied to you about the whole thing and getting help.

2) You and your husband have so many relationship ending aspects. You are into church and your faith he isn't. This seems to be a sticking point for you. He is addicted to porn etc and you are not into it.

3) He has lied to you.

4) He has betrayed your trust.

5) You feel rejected from him.

Get the divorce. Child care is a small issue because most states will help women with children through college by giving them free child care. If your state doesn't then most will have the father pay half or more of the child care costs.

Go to your local DHHS department and find out what programs they have available for you. They may also have something similar to ASPIRE (help through college) available.

There are good men out there, don't stay because you are scared to be by yourself or because of money.

draconis

 

[Doubt&Wonder]

I wish you luck and freedom from the emotional pain his porn viewing will (and has) caused you...... I understand what you are feeling as I went thru this with my own husband for ten long years before he finally stopped.

 

[greenbaglady]

I was going to add that my husband while we were dating had a problem with looking at porn a lot and a lot of what you said sounded like I did when he looked.
We broke up and got back together so many times while we dated all because of the porn thing with him.
I started to just get over it, friends told me that he'd "out grow it" or see that it's a waste of time and dumb and there are better things to do.
We dated for 4 years and got married--had a baby...One day I was using his computer and found some dirty pictures and websites he looked at that morning :-o This was about 6 months in to our marriage (we've been married 5 years--together for 9). I brought it up to him and told him to be honest with me or me and the baby were gone for good.
He was honest and said that he was in a funk--we were newly weds, new parents etc...he felt like he needed to look, it was relaxing or something (who knows with guys!) But for some reason this time it clicked with him. He actually broke down and cried and said he wouldn't do it, he didn't want us to leave him, and it was stupid and dumb and he felt like he betrayed ME (talk about turning the tables!)
I have since every once in a while checked on his computer to see if hes behaving and he is--I look deep in his surfing history and cache and he hasn't looked.
My husband even to this day when I ask him if he misses porn he says no, not at all, he says its such a loser thing to do and he's too busy to "play around" with that "garbage" lol!
If you really want to stay with him and you think maybe he'll straighten up, you could just sit down and talk to him tell him to be honest. Go find fun things to do together to keep things fresh like they use to be when you dated--the more your out with him doing things the less he'll be on the computer, after all.
I think its best for the kid to stay together--I like what someone else said about it being a little disturbing the porn and a child in the house, point that out to him and tell him how wrong that is. Maybe that'll pinch a nerve and really get him to REALIZE what he's doing is and does look really wrong! If it ever came down to sharing the child this porn addiction wont look good in court.
I wish you lots of Good luck!
I hope for your sake and your little one that your husband gets out of his little 'funk' that he's in and starts being a dad and a better husband.

 

[Tag]

All addictions take time to stop, whether it's smoking, drinking or porn. If you still want to work it out, he needs time to get over it. But just be sure you really want to work it out & if you love him or nor.

 

[Liza]

Since you are into religion, speak to your God about it. I mean really pour out your heart.

In the mean time, continue to empower yourself, don't be afraid to leave him because you feel you can't make it on your own. Believe in yourself and write down a path to success that you can take even if the relationship ends.

Make sure if you decide to stay in the relationship it's for love and you are not just settling because you figure you can't do any better.

If he is trying, give him a chance, validate him when he does something good so he will feel needed and cared for.

 

[jturcotte]

Most men look at porn. looking into divorce over it seems unreasonable to me. Have you tried to watch it with him? I feel like your distaste with it may be perpetuating the occurrences.

 

[draconis]

Most men look at porn. looking into divorce over it seems unreasonable to me. Have you tried to watch it with him? I feel like your distaste with it may be perpetuating the occurrences.

While many men may watch it not all do. Additionally many women watch it as well.

The fact is within the bounds of the relationship how she feels about it matters more then if men normally do it.

Third he betrayed her trust by lying about it and now she feels rejected.

draconis