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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I know there have been similar discussions. But I enjoy this site. There are a wide range of people here.

I have been with my lady 16 years and I feel like we are solid. I have two friends who are both divorced. One married for four years and the other for seven. What I noticed in both is a lack of respect for each other. Each spouse seemed to want to control each other. For instance, I was out fishing on the boat with a friend. We left the dock about 6:30 am. By 11:30, his phone just keeps receiving text messages and he gets aggrevated. He says does it annoy you when your lady is constantly bugging you about when you are coming home? I responded that she doesn't do that. He says so you are telling me you can be out here until 6 and she wont get mad???? I said she will text or call to make sure I am ok as I dont stay out that long. But she isn't going to demand i come home. Just like when her mom was alive if she said I am spending the day shopping and hanging out with her, i will say drive safe and have a good time.

I just think its important that a couple understand that they do not own or control each other. Your spouse is still a person who needs alone time and doesn't want to necessarily be by you every second of the day...... just curious to tips and suggestions from others who have been together 15 years or more and are happy.

I also hear people say that marriage is hard work and you have to work at it daily. I feel like if you have to work hard at marriage daily, you aren't compatible. I am not saying its an easy vacation everyday. But it shouldn't take hard work on a constant basis to work.
 

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Lots and lots of compromise. Doing things that are important to your spouse than you may not care much about. But it makes them happy. So you do it. ... Communication is key. Gotta set time aside each day just to talk about life with our SO. .. Trust is big, too. There are times when we go solo. She went to Europe with her gal pals from college. Ten days. I go to Vegas with the fellas. Maybe one or two calls when away just to say hey. Not this overbearing "what are you doing now?" baloney. ... Gotta be compatible in finances and in the bedroom, too. Those are big hurdles for most marriages. Probably the biggest. Gotta again talk things through. We are not perfect. Nobody is ... Marriage is like a shark. Gotta keep moving in order to stay alive. ... 28 years next May.
 

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I can tell you why my marriage lasted till it ended decades ago.
Because I was a fool, even more than I am now.
But there may exist better reasons for other people or so I hope.
 

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Build one another up.
I'd be insulted if my wife tried to or felt like she had to build me up. What am I, a lego set? 😑 One of those ladies from a league of their own? Like I need a pep talk? Come on now.

I would say the most important aspect for a lasting relationship would be the guy having deep sexual desire for his girlfriend/wife. Which will usually cause him to put in whatever effort is required to keep things going.
 

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There isn't one or two things as we all know, it's many little things.

An important thing is that both partners need to know they are on the same team and that it needs to be both of them against whatever issues come their way in life and there will be many.

It can't be him vs. her or her vs. him.

It needs to be both of them vs. the problem, the issue, whatever it is.

I don't care if it's about sex, finances, issues with children, family, jobs, friends etc.

They need to keep in the front of their minds that they are on the same team and that they need to pull on the rope together.

And a bit about communication. Everyone knows it's important. We all hear it from others, we read about it ad nauseum.

But so many don't communicate well. They hold back, they tell others, like their friends instead of their partner.

Many assume or think that their partner understands or knows something so that's why they don't talk about it with them. Those same folks think they communicate well, but they aren't when they do that, when they assume their partner knows what they want, think etc.

One last tidbit.

Head things off at the pass. So many let things go on for too long. They say things to themselves like "he/she is really stressed now and things will be better once this crisis is over, or once this big project at work is over etc."

Do not do that. Mole hills can turn into mountains quickly. Address things as they happen, as they come up.

Don't delay and justify why you won't talk about it. Many say things like it will be better once he/she finishes school, once he/she finds a real job, after the the baby is no longer a baby, once we move and on and on.

Nope, nope, nope. Deal with it NOW. Things become more difficult as time goes on.
 

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Well, my 2 cents:

The first thing is a combination of similar goals and values. During dating and then again about 12 or so years ago, sharing visions of what we wanted to do together and what we wanted our marriage to be in 5, 10, 15, 20 years. Knowing what you are struggling for, helps when things get hard.

Sexual desire and an enjoyment of sex and sensuality.

Concern for your partner's feelings.

Giving each other some space as co-dependence is a bad thing.

Now the most important is commitment. The reason is as David Schnarch likes to point out in his book the Crucible, Marriage is the hardest thing two people can do, if done correctly. Marriage is a Curicible where two dissimilar elements (say copper and tin or carbon and iron) are put through intense pressure and heat until they combine into something much stronger (bronze or steel). Marriage is a constant emotional push and pull between two people. It doesn't matter if it is living together, figuring out what foods you will each, chores you will do; or how many children you will have and how you will share the parenting responsibilities for those children. I also will at times be negotiations on how much or what kind of sex to have. All of those things need to be negotiated and as your relationship developes, children are added, they grow up and leave home, you need to renegotiate the compromise. Your mutual commitment to some shared vision of where you and your spouse want to be is what helps keep you going.
 

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I'd be insulted if my wife tried to or felt like she had to build me up. What am I, a lego set? 😑 One of those ladies from a league of their own? Like I need a pep talk? Come on now.

I would say the most important aspect for a lasting relationship would be the guy having deep sexual desire for his girlfriend/wife. Which will usually cause him to put in whatever effort is required to keep things going.
You're missing that particular point. Being your spouse's greates fan, each party.
 

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You're missing that particular point. Being your spouse's greates fan, each party.
I'm my greatest fan Ragnar. My spouse could never be a bigger fan of me than I am. And I'd much prefer someone who's willing to stand up and challenge me than someone who feels the need to laugh at a bad joke I make.

But I guess I'm in the minority of men nowadays.
 

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For us it's faithfulness, respect, sharing the same faith, honestly and openess. Having similar values. Wise boundaries with the opposite sex. Laughter. Enjoying each others company.
 

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To stir the pot, since you didn't say what kind of marriage, you just asked what makes a marriage last.

Fear, complacency, and low self esteem keep a HUGE number of marriages together.
 

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I'm my greatest fan Ragnar. My spouse could never be a bigger fan of me than I am. And I'd much prefer someone who's willing to stand up and challenge me than someone who feels the need to laugh at a bad joke I make.

But I guess I'm in the minority of men nowadays.
What I want is for her to genuinely laugh at that bad joke, because it is the best joke ever since it came from me. I think that is what love does to you.
 

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We've been happily married 32 years. I wish I could easily say what has made it last, but it is complicated. A big part for us was we got married and moved far away from where we grew up and after just a year or so married we moved to a foreign country. It was just me and her. That could be good and bad. There was no one from our past nearby to meddle in our lives, but we had to rely totally on each other. Kind of a sink or swim. We passed the test.

If I try to boil it down into some basic concepts...
Mutual respect
Don't take the other and what they do for the family for granted
Expressive love for each other
Physical love, attraction and intimacy that is not allowed to wane
Honesty and faithfulness
Open communication
Surrounding ourselves with friends of similar values
Give each other freedom and me time
 

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I have no answer for what makes a marriage last.
I´m more interested in what makes it worth of lasting, not necessarily the same thing.
 
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