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I'm sure this has been discussed before, but, I've read here that couples should spend 15 hours of quality time together. What do you consider to be quality time for you and your SO?

My H and I are going to be separated in less than a month. In the meantime, I've been thinking a lot about our relationship. When he was unemployed, he spent 90% of his time watching TV on his laptop. I married him because he is intelligent, well educated, seemed to have many hobbies, etc among other reasons. It was mostly a long distance relationship, so I didn't really see him in action.

When I asked for a separation 5 months ago and then gave him a chance, he started making an effort by calling me at work and asking me if I want to grab lunch with him. The problem was that we wouldn't even have anything to talk about, so to me, I continued to be frustrated. I think more than anything, it was his laziness+ attitude that frustrated me. Yes he lost his job, which sucks, but why couldn't he find a way to set a schedule for himself and be productive? Why couldn't he cook, clean, go to the gym, paint (one of his former hobbies), read? I know a friend who is unemployed right now and he's become really passionate about cooking.

He's working now, and he's a lot happier but his #1 hobby continues to be watching TV. So generally every evening, he watches TV and I do my own thing. We do spend time cuddling in the morning and at night, and every now and then we'll go out to eat, but not happy with the fact that we are not growing together and learning together...along with many other frustrations which led me to firmly demand a separation.

I realize I went on some tangents, but would love to hear thoughts on this
 

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I'm sure this has been discussed before, but, I've read here that couples should spend 15 hours of quality time together. What do you consider to be quality time for you and your SO?

My H and I are going to be separated in less than a month. In the meantime, I've been thinking a lot about our relationship. When he was unemployed, he spent 90% of his time watching TV on his laptop. I married him because he is intelligent, well educated, seemed to have many hobbies, etc among other reasons. It was mostly a long distance relationship, so I didn't really see him in action.

When I asked for a separation 5 months ago and then gave him a chance, he started making an effort by calling me at work and asking me if I want to grab lunch with him. The problem was that we wouldn't even have anything to talk about, so to me, I continued to be frustrated. I think more than anything, it was his laziness+ attitude that frustrated me. Yes he lost his job, which sucks, but why couldn't he find a way to set a schedule for himself and be productive? Why couldn't he cook, clean, go to the gym, paint (one of his former hobbies), read? I know a friend who is unemployed right now and he's become really passionate about cooking.

He's working now, and he's a lot happier but his #1 hobby continues to be watching TV. So generally every evening, he watches TV and I do my own thing. We do spend time cuddling in the morning and at night, and every now and then we'll go out to eat, but not happy with the fact that we are not growing together and learning together...along with many other frustrations which led me to firmly demand a separation.

I realize I went on some tangents, but would love to hear thoughts on this
Quality time for us can be difficult.

Mrs Wysh works a regular 9 to 5, she is a pers. asst. to a managing director.

I work on a shift basis where I am one of a team of six covering a year round 5:30 a.m to 21:00 shift system with possibility of extensions till midnight.. We also work a four day on two day off rota system.

This means that the time we do have is precious to us. And sometimes our only quality time is bedtime. And I don't mean just sex either. Some times our only chance for couples chat is in bed either snuggling or spooning.

This weekend was going to be great for us, I had a rare opportunity to spend the whole weekend with my wife. It was all planned out, farmers market Saturday morning, angling Sat afternoon, restaurant Sat evening. Gym Sunday then sauna/jacuzzi, geocaching together Sunday afternoon early bed Sunday:D.

Best laid plans and all that but Mrs Wysh ahs some kind of tummy upset so can't do it.

Ended up doing the market which was great, bought quite a few things including this chancre (pronounced shanker)



And then ended up at the in laws sorting out their computer and tv yet again (I'm a techy geek).

We knew when I started this job that our time would be limited but we made a promise to each other that we would maximise the time that we do have.

Just going to check up on Mrs Wysh, (she went back to bed).
 
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My hubby and I spend about an hour each evening of undivided attention without the children interrupting most days. This is after everything is done for the night. The weekends, it's longer. We are always touching each other in some way or another during this time. Mostly holding hands.

Both my husband and I really enjoy our time together. We are each others best friend, so the communication is wonderful.

I do try and leave with him and the kids if the trip takes under 2 hours if he takes them somewhere. I'm pretty much housebound, so this limits out activity outside the home. I can not go on all day trips.

Is this 15 hours a week or month? 15 hours a week is a lot of time together. I don't think my hubby and I can do that, we may come close. We have our time with the kids, work and hobbies. Of course there's alone time too, which I get during the week when the kids are at school.

We do take time for each other on a daily basis. Maybe this is why our marriage is so strong and why we are so deeply connected.
 

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WyshIKnew wow thanks for sharing. Seems like you really treasure and enjoy the time you get with your W. That's so sweet. And I love how you had the weekend all planned out. I love to see a H who takes initiative and plans fun stuff to do with his W.

That chancre/Crab looks delicious!

IILWMH, what do you guys do during this hour?
What was it like before you had kids? my H and I dont have kids, have been married for 1.5 years, so we have a lot more free time on our hands.
 

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My H and I use our time together to do things we enjoy. Such as going to the book store, farmer market, shopping, go out to the movies, and sometimes we read event in the paper and go try one for the fun of it.
Now we have had to work on this because we use to watch tv or one would be on the internet and the other doing whatever. Sents our separation we have to make better use of our "date" time and family time (have two kids).
It took us a while to get back to doing some of the things we did when we were dating. We also take lunch together once or twice a week. Our conversations are about plans for the weeks, kids activities, or things we are working on...not romantic but hey it is communication that we would do at home if we lived together.
 

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Well to start with...we don't watch much TV. Probably no more than an hour or so a week..some weeks less.

We exercise in the mornings, we work on our property, we spend our evenings cooking/baking/preserving/making beer/wine, drinking wine/beers, massage, have sex, doing DIY, watching movies (we set up a home movie room).. sometimes we just sit and talk.

We spend waaaay more than the 15 hours a week and we're very close. Best friends.
 

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Wow, a better question would be what DON'T we do together? Last night we shoveled the driveway together, watched the world series and some football, made and ate supper, had a couple of drinks, went to bed and talked about why he didn't want sex (he wants to start exercising more), watched a bit of some dumb movie in bed, agreed that it was dumb, cuddled up and went to sleep.

All day while we're at work we email back and forth talking about whatever. Sex, kids, parents, holidays, what's for supper, after work plans, etc etc etc. Everything.

As for what we TALK about, we talk about whatever we're doing of course, or we talk about whatever comes up. We try to schedule an hour a week to talk about 'issues' or do a Gottman exercise or something like that. I just bought His Needs Her Needs and we're supposed to start going through that together this week.
 

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Yes, it was like this before our own children together. I also brought a child into our marriage. We are closer emotionally and physically now then we were 12 years ago when we first married and those first few years. In our early marriage we use to play card and board games too.

During those times where the kids were young we did not have this time. It was put on hold while the kids were babies and toddlers. During those years your constantly keeping an eye on the children making sure they were safe and happy. My youngest is 9 and oldest is 18. There are 3 children all together.

My husband and I use this time to lay next to each other always holding hands talking, flirting, laughing, snuggling, winding down at night watching tv or we'll lock the bedroom door. My husband loves physical touch just as much as I do which is nice.

I do think we both really enjoy this time together.
 

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we spend a lot of time together, right now we are watching rock of ages, we watched dexter right before it, and he just got home from work around 2:30.

we will watch some more tv....and by watch i mean talk about it as we watch it, and everything about it, and unrelated stories, gossip, making fun of the actors.

and we will spend later together for one on one for a few hours. its like this everyday, but we are just freaks who have this need to spend every waking moment together.
 
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Hope1964, how long have you been married?
We've been together for 16 years, got married in 2001, he cheated in 2009 and we're in R since March 2010. Full story's linked in my sig if you're interested. :)
 

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Pandakiss, I dont watch TV and I refused to buy a one, stupidly forgetting that people can watch TV on their laptops. I do enjoy movies, and so does he, and I sort of wish we had a big TV so we could both watch together. That's something I'll keep in mind for the future though.

Hope1964, I'm happy you guys are at a much better place now :)
 

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Azure;1170541 He's working now said:
I am in same boat. At least you're getting the cuddling. I have never been able to compete with the TV and I wont watch inane reality programming.

It seems if its not about the kids, dogs or house, there is really nothing to talk about. Well, weather I guess......
 

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You need to turn the TV off. It's a time stealer. I don't have cable, antenna, or satellite in my house. We watch DVD's or Netflix.

Quality time for us is a once a week date night. We'll go out and have dinner, or watch a movie, or get a coffee together, or just sit in the car and watch the sunset and TALK. It was awkward at first. We didn't know what to talk about. But keep at it. The talking will come. You can always talk about the movie if you go see a movie. Just find a place to start and it should go from there.
 

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WyshIKnew wow thanks for sharing. Seems like you really treasure and enjoy the time you get with your W. That's so sweet. And I love how you had the weekend all planned out. I love to see a H who takes initiative and plans fun stuff to do with his W.

That chancre/Crab looks delicious!

IILWMH, what do you guys do during this hour?
What was it like before you had kids? my H and I dont have kids, have been married for 1.5 years, so we have a lot more free time on our hands.
Yep, thanks MAP!

Quality time can be mundane stuff as well, it's all family building stuff.
 

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Azure - is there a new hobby you could learn together. Not only does it mean you are 'booked' in to spend time together regularly it also gives you something shared to chat about when your together at other times.

Hubby and I have done courses on beekeeping, earth-building, various cooking classes, diving, yoga and Ceroc. We've had such a lot of fun doing these things together... we share some good memories from them.

Is there something you and your man could learn together?
 

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Pandakiss, I dont watch TV and I refused to buy a one, stupidly forgetting that people can watch TV on their laptops. I do enjoy movies, and so does he, and I sort of wish we had a big TV so we could both watch together. That's something I'll keep in mind for the future though.

Hope1964, I'm happy you guys are at a much better place now :)

I just threw out tv because that's what we were doing ATM. We play video games. We used to do sudoku. We get out board games or card games UNO we watch web videos like smoosh and AMV videos.

We watch anime. We go to comic book shops. We shop for food, clothes, shoes, video games together. We just are always together. You see one, the other isn't far behind.

We mall and whatnot. We both post on tam and have conversations about it. We get takeout and eat outside or just go to the park and people watch. We cook together.

It dosent have to be tv, but we love tv. We used to do yugioh hunts. We had the best time driving around to find packs. We got into transformers and saw the movie 6 times in the theater, then went on the hunt for the movie collectibles. We do other collectible hunts from time to time.

We just find activities we both can get into and can make conversation about.
 

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We're together all but the 2 days she doesn't come to work with me. No children so quality time is fairly easy (except for reading) even if we do like TV, but's more like the raio in background. We cook together almost every day, it's as important as sex to us. Oh, and shop on weekends.
 

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Me & mine both have Time & Touch at the top of our love languages...

There is surely a difference between Quality time and Just "TIME" with your spouse... I'd say that is in...having his full attention, you are there in the moment "with him" or her in spirit......

My husband is the only person I could spend literally all day with and he'd never get on my nerves, he feels the same about me... so in this way, we just really enjoy being by each others side, no matter what we are doing.

On his days off, we might snuggle up & watch a movie together .... play a sex game.... lay under a tree on a blanket..bouncing off ideas in a book, just talking & a little fooling around....and sex is the cherry on top !

When he's home....we're not on top of each other....we get things done.... he does his MAN stuff in the garage .... I may be in the kitchen whipping something up....we may get on our computers at the same time... in the same room even... ...we will run the kids to their activities together many times & will kill time shopping or taking a short hike in a local park....

Even though some of that may not be "quality" time, we still enjoy the togetherness.

We like to go out to eat, go to the $1 theater -with the kids, sometimes without, Ride Bikes on a biking trail... take a hike... just anything... we just enjoy being around each other. Planning little romantic get aways is our greatest Quality time... we try to do that twice a year.

 
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