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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I've been married for about six months, we have been living together for about a year. Before this I never kept a boyfriend for more than three months because I could always feel it just wasn't right but now, I am so crazy about my husband. For the first time I feel like I am with an equal. We are certainly different but mentally - equal.

To make us both happy, we have both, or will both make compromises. I moved far away from my family for him, on the condition that we eventually settle closer to them. He loves cities and I love the woods, so will will like in a medium sized city to hopefully make both of us happy.

Now we have a bigger issue and I feel lost about it. I want to be open and fair, but not a push over.

He likes to go out way more than I do, that is totally fine. He always invites me and is okay with it if I say no. I have never asked him to cancel plans and stay home with me, I trust him and like all the people he hangs out with.

We both have a history of partying a lot as teenagers, we have both done our share of drugs. I stopped when I was about 22. Not cold turkey, I just didn't feel like doing it any more. I kind of make me sad to see people that have to distract them selves like that all the time to stay happy.

Now, once or twice a month he does a bump of coke. It is really common here. My only exposure to it was people that turned into jerks when they were high or another group of friends who just thought it was a joke and turned up their noses at anyone who did it. I was never interested in trying it so didn't spend that much time pondering whether the general opinion of coke was correct or not.

I do not have a temper at all but one night he told me he might do it so I didn't go out with him and was so angry I broke a plate. That was a huge deal, I almost never get angry and have never broken anything like that before.

He is really good about telling me the truth all the time. His reasoning for doing it is this;
  • near the end of the night, when drinking has made him sleepy, one bump is nice to keep him dancing and awake
  • he doesn't get after effects like a hangover
  • he only does it once or twice a month
  • he did it this Saturday night when I was out with him and it didn't turn him into an jerk
  • I still do some other drugs from time to time, smoke a joint or some e or mushrooms, what is the big difference between one and the other?
  • he said if he ever does act like a jerk about it I should slap him
This is true. He is really grumpy when he is tired but I've never seen him be a jerk because of something he's taken.

This is not true, there is a difference between drugs, if he was doing crystal meth or crack it would be ultimatum city. If in the future I caught my hypothetical teenage kid smoking a joint I wouldn't be as upset as if they were shooting up.

Mostly my point of view about the whole thing has been that if I feel so strongly about something, he should be willing to say, 'Okay, its not that big of a deal, I won't do it'.

But I want to be able to meet him halfway. My stomach just feels sick about this. Has anyone ever had to really challenge their feelings about something for their spouse?

How much compromise is right? How much is being a push over? If you have your own feelings about coke please try to stay objecting in your response. I am trying to be more objective...
 

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You realize the things that can happen if he gets caught with drugs? Does he? He can lose so much including his job, your home, going to jail isn't exactly pleasant. Having a record can negatively impact your future.

Your own drug use of course causes you to lose the argument because you really can't say that one is worse than the other. Coke doesn't necessarily turn anyone into anything. In fact, some people who have ADD get more 'normal' using the stuff. The point is, it is illegal and to use it supports a whole illegal trade that supports violence and intimidation and exploitation of people. The whole thing down the line doesn't work.

I used to use so I'm not some anti-drug person. I've simply grown up. Perhaps it is time that you both consider growing up.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thanks for the response but the question I'm asking is how to mesh two completely different points of view. How do you know when to back down and how much?

Also, it's probably been five years since I've done any drugs except smoke pot, and even that is extremely rare.
 

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The biggest factor is to just stop doing drugs -- period.

The decisionmaking about geography can wait.

Why? Because the pursuit of drugs colors everything. Twice a month is not good at all. And if i were to guess, he's iceberging you on the real amount.

It hits the finances, his mood, and the legal system and danger to your person too can result.

BTW, I like the woods more than the city too.
 

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ok im anti-durg...now that that is out of the way.

IMO how far to take compromise depends on how strongly people feel about the issue. If you feel strongly and your husband doesnt then it shouldnt be a big deal for him to agree to respect your opinion and just not do it. Part of loving someone is the desire to make them happy, and if he can please you easily then I believe that he should. Also, I agree the consequences are pretty huge, so besides just the way you feel in general he should respect that it may negatively affect you in the long term and that is just more of a reason for him to agree with you.
 
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