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I ask myself this question over and over again...

My husband and I split up recently and the main reason being that our sexlife just did not work. Actually it has never been a super fit, but approximately 1 year into our relationship it started to deteriorate rapidly. In the end, it was quickies, lights off, under the duve etc.

I started to ask myself what the difference between our relationship and a long term friendship was. Despite rarely living together with a long term friend, I could see no difference at all. I have very good male friends and my friendship with them was like a "younger", and especially in the end less tense, version of the relationship that I had with my husband.

My husband have always connected at a deeper level. We could discuss most things openly and there was little jealousy between us. I have always thought our relationship quite healthy. If it was not for the sex issue.

We are both sexual people, perhaps me a tad more than him and most other people. The intimacy that sex brings to a relationship cannot be replaced by talking. I simply would not know what ancient part of my nervous system to speak to and what language to use :)

We are separated now, after 7 years of living together. We still love each other and it was a mutual agreement to go separate ways, but I was the one who initiated the split. We are very good friends and still speak and spend time together. Sometimes there is attraction, but none of us would go any further than a hug at the most now.

I do not have the room to explain all the thinking and emotional searching that I have done, but everybody in hear probably knows that when you are together for many years you don't just split up unless something is making one or both parts fundamentally unhappy. Years of thinking and analyzing and feeling has left me with the following conlusion:

A marriage must first and foremost be a sexual relationship.

It is really just this question that I would like to post to the members of this forum. And I am really interested in your answers.
I did feel it necessary to write a bit about my history. The issues of sex in a relationship is to me very interesting both on a perosnal level but alson in my attempt to understand people more fully.

I wonder how other members of this forum feel about my conclusion? Did you come to another one? Do you agree and if yes, then why?

Would love to hear more. Setting my emotional attachment to the questions aside, I do find this question of high relevance when asking ourselves why we choose the partners that we do. And why we marry some, keep others as lovers and some we befriend.

Best regards,
Solo
 

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Here's my take on it...

I don't think sex needs to be part of a marriage. Obviously older married couples who no longer have sex remain in a committed marriage and are soul mates and friends.

However, I think it is human nature to be sexual and when you are in a committed, monogamous marriage/relationship, there has to be sexual interest on both parties behalf.

If this balance is completely out of whack (one partner wants it 5 times a week, the other wants it once a year), you are disregarding that natural sexual need.

Could the sexual partner fulfill their needs elsewhere in a committed relationship? Sure. I have known married couples where one spouse has given up on sex and knows the other is getting sex outside the marriage and accepts that.

When the sexual need of the other spouse is taken off the table (satisfied), why couldn't the married relationship continue?

But sex is only part of it. Would you stay in a marriage where you had sex nightly but couldn't stand your spouse? probably not. There has to be some sort of friendship there.
 

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I too am in almost the same situation, its been over 18 months with no sex and my wife and I werent' really a good fit at the start either. We have been together 18 years and our sex life is gone. I am very romantic and affectionate, and I decided to give up trying...that was 18 months ago. We are still together, but it is like best freinds living together. I couldn't take it anymore and I asked her if she was fooling around, and I asked her in a nice way...she said she was insulted by the question....then I told her I had to ask, I mean you haven't even tried to kiss me in 18 months. I got no response to that. I am at a loss. I really am.
I am sorry I didn't give you any helpful advise, I don't know what to do either. I am comforted knowing I am not alone.
 

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the difference is when you are married and not getting your sexual needs fulfilled, you are basically trapped by the non sexual partner and the resentment builds. obviously some people deal with it by getting it somewhere else but thats usually after many years of suffering (as you describe).

ive never wanted to boff one of my friends
 

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Yes, a marriage is first and foremost a sexual relationship. I've been in a sexless marriage for 2 years from the day of the wedding. Yeah we occasionally do it, but you can count that on your fingers. My husband is 45 and seems to have exhausted all his sexual energy on his previous girlfriends, and now has nothing for me. We're pretty much room mates, and I feel we simply don't have a normal marriage. Forget the physical need ... what about the emotional need that only sex can fulfill? The closeness, intimacy, safety, and feeling that you are loved?

It will never change for us, I know that now. He's just not interested in sex, and it will get worse as he gets older. Sorry if I sound too depressing, but I'm just so lost.
 

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I am struggling with the same issue. We are now in marriage counseling and it is making the issue even more clear to me. We are extremely compatable as friends but there is just no sexual attraction.

From the beginning the sex was not very good or very frequent but in recent years it has become non-existant. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way but it is hard to pull the plug on the rest of our relationship that works pretty well.

Any advice on how to handle this situation is appreciated.
 

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Describes my past also. hopwever there were a lot of other issues in my marriage to the poibt where I was ready to ask for a divorce.

You might think that the lack of sex was a result of all these other issues but it wasn't in the beginning. We had a good relationship and the sex waned before the relationship hit the rocks (maybe because of it).

It wasn't until I had an affair and the subsequent counseling after that we resumed a very active sexual life. One might say that she got interested just so I wouldn't go elsewhere. I would like to think she enjoys the sex and no, I wouldn't go elsewhere while I'm stlll married.
 

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Usually the regulars here are in this situation. The one poster above who said he asked his wife is she was fooling around - that was me. . .and she got insulted. Like. . .how dare I even suggest if we weren't intimate that she may be getting sex somewhere else?

Like I was pulling it out of my derriere.

Anyway, to answer your question, I agree with you - a marriage should be sexual. There are exceptions. . .the Christopher Reeve exception and so forth but not while you are young and able.

You know, this discussion reminds me of discussions I have had/or watched at a Catholic forum was frequented awhile back when I was exploring my lost faith. Catholics are an interesting bunch - totally asexual until marriage and then it's very sexual is the philosophy. (one could question their motives - to produce more Catholics, lol).

Anyway, more to this discussion, the interesting thing was a lot of Catholic apologists noted that if you ARE NOT a sexual person, then you should NOT be called to marriage. They see marriage as almost a "calling" rather than something you naturally progress towards and are expected to do when you reach your reproductive years.

But I think a lot of people go into it for selfish reasons:

1. They want a family/kids (without the sex)
2. They want a surrogate father/mother, someone to be a sugar-daddy or another mom to cook and clean.
3. They think they can work out these homosexual feelings.

And so on and so on - probably dozens I am not thinking of.

In the end, I am resigned to accept what the Catholics generally say about marriage -

For it to be valid, it must be in a state of consummation.

If any partner isn't willing to commit to that, than no, they shouldn't be married and perhaps they are called to something else.

And here's where it gets controversial - To me the consummation is more important than the friendship.

I don't beleive married partners, while they have to be sex partners, should have to be Best Buds. I think that's too high of a standard that a lot of women (and some men) put on a marriage. Don't get me wrong - it's good if you are best friends but I think the wife should have a best friend and the man should have a best friend and they are husband and wife, not best friends.

That means they steward the home together, raise the kids together, support each other, and have sexual relations. They are the first one involved in a death or illness or any major event.

But that doesn't mean they are joined at the hip.

(except during sex :) )

That doesn't mean that the husband has to know every single emotional thing about his wife and he has to be always the first one she comes to.

I think that is a relatively modern view of marriage. My grandparents weren't "best friends" yet they had a loving marriage.

I am not sure I am expressing myself exactly what I mean to say.
 

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I think that the question of an affair when your spouse isn't interested is interesting. My husband never asked me, outright, but when he would travel he would intentionally be vague about when he was coming home and he would sometimes show up hours or even a day before I was expecting him. I laughed, cynically, with my BFF on the phone about it. He was expecting to "catch me" doing somthing, or with someone.

The sad irony of the matter is that his controlling personality has made it so that I can't wait for him to leave and I dread when he's home. When he is gone (like at work right now), I can sit on the computer, talk to my friends on the phone, or run errands, etc. When he is home, I can't talk on the phone because he complains that I talk too loudly and he asks questions about my conversation. I can't run errands, because he asks where I'm going and if I'm going to spend money. (No, hun, I'm planning on stealing dinner tonight!) I can't watch TV, because we almost always watch what he wants.

Anyway, didn't mean to go off on a tangent. The point I wanted to make is that, for the person with little or no desire, it just doesn't cross our minds. And the person with the higher needs can't fathom that. They assume--if not consciously--that everyone needs sex and so if their partner isn't putting out, it must be because those needs are being met in another manner.

The good news is that, in my opinion, an affair is less likely than just a diminished desire. Curiously, as a woman, I was a little miffed that I'd been told for years that women's libidos kick into high gear in their 30's. Well, 8 years into my 30's and I'm feeling ripped off! Where is it? Well, I recently read a new article that says that it's supposed to be in our 40's now.

Also, I did a search of the internet of "I never want sex". Of course, very few things came up. Most things suggested that there was something "wrong". For example, hormones, abuse, etc. Then, I searched "My wife never wants sex". Many more things came up. These things suggested that it was far more commonplace.
 

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I think that the question of an affair when your spouse isn't interested is interesting. My husband never asked me, outright, but when he would travel he would intentionally be vague about when he was coming home and he would sometimes show up hours or even a day before I was expecting him. I laughed, cynically, with my BFF on the phone about it. He was expecting to "catch me" doing somthing, or with someone.

The sad irony of the matter is that his controlling personality has made it so that I can't wait for him to leave and I dread when he's home. When he is gone (like at work right now), I can sit on the computer, talk to my friends on the phone, or run errands, etc. When he is home, I can't talk on the phone because he complains that I talk too loudly and he asks questions about my conversation. I can't run errands, because he asks where I'm going and if I'm going to spend money. (No, hun, I'm planning on stealing dinner tonight!) I can't watch TV, because we almost always watch what he wants.

Anyway, didn't mean to go off on a tangent. The point I wanted to make is that, for the person with little or no desire, it just doesn't cross our minds. And the person with the higher needs can't fathom that. They assume--if not consciously--that everyone needs sex and so if their partner isn't putting out, it must be because those needs are being met in another manner.

The good news is that, in my opinion, an affair is less likely than just a diminished desire. Curiously, as a woman, I was a little miffed that I'd been told for years that women's libidos kick into high gear in their 30's. Well, 8 years into my 30's and I'm feeling ripped off! Where is it? Well, I recently read a new article that says that it's supposed to be in our 40's now.

Also, I did a search of the internet of "I never want sex". Of course, very few things came up. Most things suggested that there was something "wrong". For example, hormones, abuse, etc. Then, I searched "My wife never wants sex". Many more things came up. These things suggested that it was far more commonplace.
would you be ok if your husband sought sexual fulfillment elsewhere?
 

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would you be ok if your husband sought sexual fulfillment elsewhere?
I'm not sure how that question relates to my post.

AND, I don't know the answer. Sometimes I have felt like I really don't care. I have almost had a hard time seeing the difference between me and a hole in the wall. When you don't feel respected and then your husband wants to do it, it's kinda confusing.

I think that I would be threatened if he had an affair more because it might end our marriage than because I really felt hurt.

AND, I will also say that I go back and forth. I want to be fair to my husband in all of this by saying that THIS week, he's been good to be around. In fact, I MIGHT even be in the mood tonight! :)

I think that right now, our problems are fixable. I'm not sure he'd want to try if he went as far as to have an affair.
 

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"I have almost had a hard time seeing the difference between me and a hole in the wall."

That's an interesting comment and one that I struggled with for a while.

I have a high sex drive and my wife doesn't. Right now we are in a compromise situation regarding sexual frequency but before, we were far apart.

I really didn't feel right expecting my wife to have sex when she wasn't interested. I think guys will agree with me that it's better to masturbate than to have a limp, uninterested wife underneath you.
 

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I'm not sure how that question relates to my post.
it actually relates to all of your posts. you state over and over you dont like sex. you have given plenty of valid reasons why you dont want sex with your husband, but i dont think i have seen you say you would like sex, just not with him. but yet you stay married to him. he may be an arse and it may because he is in a sexless marriage, only you know.
 

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the difference is when you are married and not getting your sexual needs fulfilled, you are basically trapped by the non sexual partner and the resentment builds.
:iagree:

I can understand that when two people get older and sex drive diminishes that sex would lessen, but my H is 31. At this stage in my life, which I feel to be my prime (32), I need a sexual partner. Things get done around the house, and our finances are in order, but that just doesn't cut it for me. We haven't had sex in a month. I feel like I am 65. It will probably only get worse after we have kids (we both want children), which is one reason why I am very weary about getting pregnant. We could have a million dollars in the bank, and I still wouldn't be happy with my home life. Without intimacy and sex, I don't think I can be happy.
 

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I have never been sexually attracted to my husband I feel so guilty for it and thought our bond/friendship would get me over this. I love the closeness and intimacy of the act but have never had an orgasm with him or really wanted him in that way, at the beginning it wasnt such a big deal as there were so many other qualities I loved in him but now it seems so important. I would never stray and I am not sexually attracted to other men, but feel this is a big issue that I will just have to accept
 

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You usually don't live with your friends for decades, or have children with them. There are marriages that are intimate on an interpersonal level but not a sexual one. People in sexless marriages stay together for a lot of reasons- kids, finances, age, low self esteem, physical or psychological illness. A long term sexless marriage does not effect the fact that there is a family involved and many prefer to keep that intact rather than break it up just to be able to have sex.
 

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Stop asking questions. Her behavior is "classic" affair behavior.

1. Install a keylogger on the computers she uses
2. Get a copy of phone bill and analyze the numbers/text messages
3. Put a GPS tracker in her car

Once you "think" you know who she is sleeping with, figure out how to catch her in the act. And then file - she isn't just a normal cheater - she is a sadistic cruel person as well.

What she is doing to you is a type of torture.


My wife and I were living the perfect marriage(or so I thought). We were making love regularly, we just bought a house about 2 years ago, we have a beautiful child together...we were building the perfect family. I have a good job and she had just gotten her perfect job that she was working for. Then earlier this year I tried to fool around with her and she brushed me off, then the next night I tried again and she wasn't in the mood, the same the following night. So one night after putting our child to bed I asked her why the sudden change in emtion towards me and why she is giving me the cold shoulder......that was when she dropped a bomb on me and broke my heart(the first time). She told me she is no long "in" love with me and that she no longer finds me sexually or emotionally attractive. This came to an utter shock to me since litterally just a week before we had almost 3 days where we acted almost like teenagers in heat with one another. So after sitting in silence for a bit to digest this shocking news I asked her if she had cheated on me because of the suddenness of all of this and the sudden drop of, litterally, all emotion towards me it was the only thing I could think of at that moment. She got defensive and angry at the notion and said absolutely not.

I without hesitation believed her. Then after about a week I found out that she had gotten on birth control about 3 days before she had told me that she didn't find me sexually attractive. So of course I got to thinking...why would a person that doesn't want to have sex with her husband anymore want to get on birth control? So obviously I went straight to the cheating question again....and again she got defensive and angry and explained why the birthcontrol. This time though was a different story....evidentally she had felt out of love with me for months and she didn't want to have another child with me so she got on birth control and she just didn't feel like lieing about it to me anymore which was why the abrupt stop of sex and emotion towards me. So I bought it all. Then after almost a month going by with zero sex, zero emotion, zero communication outside of daily banter and conversation I asked her what was going on with our situation and our problem and she said that she still isn't attracted to me but this time her story changed again. Evidentally its not been months but rather years that she has felt like this and that maybe getting married wasn't the right thing to do for us.

So I asked her what could've been the contributing factors in all of this and she got very tense and defensive on the question...I told her the only reason I am asking is so that I can form a timeline on things and a reason to why so that I know what I can work on to make this better. After going over possible reasons(I say possible because she wasn't 100% sure why), I made efforts to work on the issues. Then after a few months of trying to communicate, trying to be intimate and continuously getting shot down I ask her if she feels our marriage, our family, our child is worth fighting for....and she said she wasn't sure. Of course that stung a bit. The part that really hurt me was that from the point of her telling me this til now has been about 6 months....and my wife has not taken any kind of real effort to try to figure out what the cause is, what we can do to work on it, or what we can do to try to fix it. Instead she has made suggestions of her getting her own apartment, her and I separating for a bit, or give it time and it might go away and if not then we will get a divorce. Essentially she has become lazy emotionally.

I have finally pursuaded my wife that if not for my sake maybe for the sake of our child we should go to marriage counsiling to see what they suggest.

I love my wife and child more then anything in this world and I would do anything for them. It pains me first to hear the words that my wife spoke to me, a person that I love unconditionally telling me that she doesn't love me and her explanation at to why is cold and undecisive...ecause even she doesn't know, and worse isn't willing to try to figure out why or what we can do to fix it. I am 30 years old and I suffer from severe chest pains every night to the point where breathing hurts while laying in bed next to a woman that "loves me as a friend" and "cares very deeply" for me but shows me almost no emotion as if I beat her or cheated on her or am her enemy somehow. I asked my wife that if she no longer is sexually attracted to me then would she be willing to for the sake or our child, our family, our life that we built...stay together as friends in the hopes that someday we might respark the emotion and passion that we once had for one another. I didn't think it possible anymore but her reply broke my heart again....she asked me what will happen if she meets teh person that she wants to love though and asked me doesn't she deserve to love someone like I love her. At first I thought...my god I married a selfish heartless person with no empathy. Then I thought to myself that she already knows the person that she's in love with now. Because a person doesn't just meet the person they love they go looking for them.

Anyway after this long winded banter, the reason I quoted what I did was because your husband, sadly, sounds a lot like what I have been doing. My wife has stopped almost all communication with me outside of regular conversation of random daily stuff so my only option is to press for info and "smother" her. The part about coming home randomly from work to try to catch you cheating on him is something similar to what I do as well. Believe I truly do NOT want my wife to be cheating on me or for that matter catch her in the act. But I think the reason I do it isn't to "catch" her but rather to get a form of closure as to why this sudden emotionless swing towards me that is bordering coldness and hatred almost. She claims to love me and in some way I believe she does but I have seen people passing each other on the street show more emotion towards one another then she shows me at times. I will even randomly grab her butt and look at her face for a reaction and most the times its that of disgust as if I am diseased or some pervert on the street that dared to touch her. There are the good days where she might let me kiss her and/or grab her butt and she smiles, but they are getting fewer and farther between and my chest pains are getting more and more painful. Hopefully our marriage counsilor will get through to her to want to try to work on this, cause if I at least feel as though she's giving it a genuine effort and we still fail then maybe I can sleep at night....and hopefully the marriage counsilor will tell me how one can rip thier heart from their chest so that the pain goes away and I can bring myself to give my wife her space and take the gamble that she might never return to me. The old saying goes "if you love them let them go".....well its easier said then done when you truly love someone with all your heart. The other part of all of this is our child. I refuse to raise my child as a part time dad. If it comes down to she wanting to end this then that is her choice which I pray she never comes to...but my child won't be raised by a part time parent one week at a time.
 

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The part about coming home randomly from work to try to catch you cheating on him is something similar to what I do as well. Believe I truly do NOT want my wife to be cheating on me or for that matter catch her in the act. But I think the reason I do it isn't to "catch" her but rather to get a form of closure as to why this sudden emotionless swing towards me that is bordering coldness and hatred almost.

You mentioned above that your wife had been on birth control. She didn't use Mirena, did she? When I was on Mirena I HATED my husband so much that I was ready to call a lawyer one week when he wasn't even in town.After I had the IUD removed, I have found that I can think much more clearly.

I will even randomly grab her butt and look at her face for a reaction and most the times its that of disgust as if I am diseased or some pervert on the street that dared to touch her. There are the good days where she might let me kiss her and/or grab her butt and she smiles...
This can be irritating to a mom. You have to understand that once we become a mom, we can't turn that off. The last thing we want is to be sexy if we're thinking of our child...which is most of the time during the day. Nothing personal.
 
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