[giashasa2012]

Affair Recovery: Forgiving Infidelity: The High Price of Forgiveness | Affair Recovery

wanted to share it

 

[JCD]

A certain amount of self respect and a leap of faith. A constant throbbing of uncertainty.

No, I didn't follow the link. Just some random thoughts

 

[Sara8]

Affair Recovery: Forgiving Infidelity: The High Price of Forgiveness | Affair Recovery

wanted to share it

From the Link:

Grace isn’t cheap; it comes at a high price. Failure to appreciate the high price paid by those choosing to forgive minimizes the magnitude of their sacrifice.

The currencies used by the betrayed spouse to pay off the debt incurred by their mate’s betrayal are pride, ego, and suffering. Forgiving infidelity costs their dignity when they choose to stay rather than leave.

It costs them their just due when they choose to forgo justice for the sake of the relationship. It costs them their sanity because they don’t control the painful thoughts invading their mind.

Their present-day reality is constantly interrupted with painful memories of the past. It costs them their dreams because this road isn’t one they’d ever planned on traveling.

It costs them health because the pain of the offense consumes their life. And I’m only beginning to scratch the surface.

As one who believes in the value of forgiving, I never want to be guilty of cheap grace, where I think it’s something to which I’m entitled. If justice is the standard, then the consequence of betrayal is the loss of relationship.

 

[JCD]

From the Link:

Grace isn’t cheap; it comes at a high price. Failure to appreciate the high price paid by those choosing to forgive minimizes the magnitude of their sacrifice.

The currencies used by the betrayed spouse to pay off the debt incurred by their mate’s betrayal are pride, ego, and suffering. Forgiving infidelity costs their dignity when they choose to stay rather than leave.

It costs them their just due when they choose to forgo justice for the sake of the relationship. It costs them their sanity because they don’t control the painful thoughts invading their mind.

Their present-day reality is constantly interrupted with painful memories of the past. It costs them their dreams because this road isn’t one they’d ever planned on traveling.

It costs them health because the pain of the offense consumes their life. And I’m only beginning to scratch the surface.

As one who believes in the value of forgiving, I never want to be guilty of cheap grace, where I think it’s something to which I’m entitled. If justice is the standard, then the consequence of betrayal is the loss of relationship.

Just ****ing Wow!

Now I got to read the link! Damn you Sara!

 

[giashasa2012]

Powerfull article

 

[Sara8]

Powerfull article

Yes. It really was and is a great read.

And, the fact that it is christian based is striking. I would expect them to extol the virtues of forgiveness.

 

[Hope1964]

That is a really great article, and very timely for me. Thank you for posting this.

 

[ssap]

someone linked this article in another thread. I am very moved by it.

For those of us in limbo, how are we supposed to "score" the costs of reconcilliation with the unknown potential benefit/loss of said reconcilliation?

 

[Falene]

Well worth the read. It will certainly make me a better person. I suggest everyone take a moment to read it.

 

[JCD]

someone linked this article in another thread. I am very moved by it.

For those of us in limbo, how are we supposed to "score" the costs of reconcilliation with the unknown potential benefit/loss of said reconcilliation?

By the spouse actually ACTING like they want to even the scale for you. Not trip along bargaining like fish wife over every single compromise to make it as minimal as possible.

 

[Mr Blunt]

With the case presented in the article with Sandra and Campbell, the author of the article makes some good points. Sandra never was totally committed and had doubts about Campbell being the one she loved even before the wedding.

Not only did Sandra have multiple affairs during the marriage she failed to be honest with her husband for 17 years. In this case no one in their right mind would object to Campbell divorcing Sandra.

The author quotes Christianity
Quote of the Author of the article
In Christendom we teach “as God forgave us so we’re to forgive.” Isn’t that the lesson we teach our children? But we forget that forgiveness comes at a price


In the case of infidelity, Christianity allows for a price, the consequence allowed is divorce.


Quote of the Author of the article
All too often we talk about the high price of NOT forgiving. That forgiveness is a gift you give yourself and how failing to forgive leaves you forever a victim


Forgiving is a gift that you give your self and failing to forgive can have emotional consequences.


I have no argument with the author on his points as it relates to the case of Sandra and Campbell. However the author leaves the Impression that to forgive and stay in the relationship would always violate personal beliefs and values and costs of pride, self-respect, dignity, and the ability to be honest.

There are other cases that this is not true. In fact there is a thread on this forum in the Long Term Success In Marriage section that verifies my statement. The title of the thread is How We Overcame Adultery”


Quote of the Author of the article
“If justice is the standard, then the consequence of betrayal is the loss of relationship.”


Justice is a good standard but it is superseded in some cases by grace and love.

 

[JCD]

With the case presented in the article with Sandra and Campbell, the author of the article makes some good points. Sandra never was totally committed and had doubts about Campbell being the one she loved even before the wedding.

Not only did Sandra have multiple affairs during the marriage she failed to be honest with her husband for 17 years. In this case no one in their right mind would object to Campbell divorcing Sandra.

The author quotes Christianity
Quote of the Author of the article
In Christendom we teach “as God forgave us so we’re to forgive.” Isn’t that the lesson we teach our children? But we forget that forgiveness comes at a price


In the case of infidelity, Christianity allows for a price, the consequence allowed is divorce.


Quote of the Author of the article
All too often we talk about the high price of NOT forgiving. That forgiveness is a gift you give yourself and how failing to forgive leaves you forever a victim


Forgiving is a gift that you give your self and failing to forgive can have emotional consequences.


I have no argument with the author on his points as it relates to the case of Sandra and Campbell. However the author leaves the Impression that to forgive and stay in the relationship would always violate personal beliefs and values and costs of pride, self-respect, dignity, and the ability to be honest.

There are other cases that this is not true. In fact there is a thread on this forum in the Long Term Success In Marriage section that verifies my statement. The title of the thread is How We Overcame Adultery”


Quote of the Author of the article
“If justice is the standard, then the consequence of betrayal is the loss of relationship.”


Justice is a good standard but it is superseded in some cases by grace and love.

No. Everything he says is true. You are uncomfortable with the fact that you DID give up rights, justice and self respect to take a leap of faith in your wife.

In your case, it paid off and maybe in spades. Well done thou good and forgiving servant.

However there are certainly enough threads where the people in question do the EXACT SAME ACTIONS you did and get a boot in the face from their 'loved one' again.

So what was the difference? Did they not 'forgive enough'? Were they not commited enough?

No. It comes down to the character and belief systems of the WS. YOU were lucky (or semi skilled at picking a woman)

Your belief systems were stronger then your senses of self and justice. That is not the case with everyone. You gave up justice and self respect for a leap of faith. You just happened to get your investment back.

If she had cheated again, would you still say you preserved your self respect or would you say you felt twice a fool?

This is rhetorical, but something to think on.

 

[Remains]

That is a really great article, and very timely for me. Thank you for posting this.

:iagree:

Me too! Very timely. My god, completely! In fact, both articles just posted on forgiveness (the other one posted by Looking for the Sun), both coming from different angles, are both extremely timely.

Thankyou Posters!

 

[Remains]

someone linked this article in another thread. I am very moved by it.

For those of us in limbo, how are we supposed to "score" the costs of reconcilliation with the unknown potential benefit/loss of said reconcilliation?

You know the costs/benefits through the level of remorse which in turn dictates the efforts made in reconciliation. And of course time.

It took me a year of pushing for what I needed to realise I was on to a no brainer. He did quite a few things himself to make things easier for me which is why it took so long, but the fundamentals just were not there.

 

[Vanguard]

Yes. It really was and is a great read.

And, the fact that it is christian based is striking. I would expect them to extol the virtues of forgiveness.

They do, and I believe the article does too. It just points out what lots of people have forgotten- that forgiveness is accepting whatever wrong or indignity has been inflicted on the wronged. Many people feel that by taking the higher ground of forgiveness they are going to somehow be rewarded for that selfless act. But the act of selflessness itself means that there is no reward. Virtue is, as some would say, its own reward. Many people "forgive" and then get angry when they don't see karma swing the way they desire it.

 

[hookares]

Go figure.I can have all of those"goodies" without ever having the benefit of "forgiveness".

 

[RWB]

17 of hiding the truth from your partner, nothing more than a cheap charade of marriage.

I was deceived for 6 years. 6 Years of nothing but shadows, lies, and deceit. Stolen forever... by the very one you gave to without cost. Confusing, yes?

 

[Sara8]

No. Everything he says is true. You are uncomfortable with the fact that you DID give up rights, justice and self respect to take a leap of faith in your wife.

In your case, it paid off and maybe in spades. Well done thou good and forgiving servant.

However there are certainly enough threads where the people in question do the EXACT SAME ACTIONS you did and get a boot in the face from their 'loved one' again.

So what was the difference? Did they not 'forgive enough'? Were they not commited enough?

No. It comes down to the character and belief systems of the WS. YOU were lucky (or semi skilled at picking a woman)

Your belief systems were stronger then your senses of self and justice. That is not the case with everyone. You gave up justice and self respect for a leap of faith. You just happened to get your investment back.

If she had cheated again, would you still say you preserved your self respect or would you say you felt twice a fool?

This is rhetorical, but something to think on.

Your comment about a leap of faith is so appropriate.

I am the one who is dead set on divorce not my Cheating spouse. He still wants to reconcile and thinks we can, proving that cheaters are really living in la la land.

What was partially the impetus to file, among many other character flaws of my cheating spouse was that during a counseling session he said I would eventually cheat on him.

It's so interesting how a cheater would be worried about that.

Also, I was willing to initially take a leap of faith that once a cheater always a cheater would not apply to him, a known cheater....

Yet he was not willing to take a leap of faith that I would not cheat on him eventually, even though I was a loyal spouse.

Cheaters have major character flaws, I don't care how people spin it.

 

[Son of Kong]

They do, and I believe the article does too. It just points out what lots of people have forgotten- that forgiveness is accepting whatever wrong or indignity has been inflicted on the wronged. Many people feel that by taking the higher ground of forgiveness they are going to somehow be rewarded for that selfless act. But the act of selflessness itself means that there is no reward. Virtue is, as some would say, its own reward. Many people "forgive" and then get angry when they don't see karma swing the way they desire it.

Rewarded oh yeah I can't wait maybe there will be 72 virgins waiting for me HA.
Forgiveness in the case of infidelity has so many different angles (sexual failure, kids ,money, social shame, failure as a person) that it is very hard to make any reason or motivation fit the situation. Pick a reason and someone else will have 2 more, we stay and try to forgive because we think it is better than blowing everything up and moving on.
I still have the opinion that forgiveness for a man is a bit more difficult (sorry ladies) mainly due to the sexual part of the equation, when your wife cheats you think that you couldn't satisfy her, she needed someone who could. I mean women know when a man is satisfied he has an orgasm (never had a bad one, doubt any man ever has) women who knows she could scream like her head is on fire that could just be her way of getting the man off so she can watch tv.
Either way I am finding out that forgiveness takes a heavy toll, while you may say you forgive this isn't something that just goes away so it pushes you down every single day and you have to work hard to continue giving forgiveness everyday even on those days when you may want justice.

 

[JCD]

Rewarded oh yeah I can't wait maybe there will be 72 virgins waiting for me HA.
Forgiveness in the case of infidelity has so many different angles (sexual failure, kids ,money, social shame, failure as a person) that it is very hard to make any reason or motivation fit the situation. Pick a reason and someone else will have 2 more, we stay and try to forgive because we think it is better than blowing everything up and moving on.
I still have the opinion that forgiveness for a man is a bit more difficult (sorry ladies) mainly due to the sexual part of the equation, when your wife cheats you think that you couldn't satisfy her, she needed someone who could. I mean women know when a man is satisfied he has an orgasm (never had a bad one, doubt any man ever has) women who knows she could scream like her head is on fire that could just be her way of getting the man off so she can watch tv.
Either way I am finding out that forgiveness takes a heavy toll, while you may say you forgive this isn't something that just goes away so it pushes you down every single day and you have to work hard to continue giving forgiveness everyday even on those days when you may want justice.

That is a major problem with forgiveness.

Once you walk down that path, with the belief structure that supports it, if you change your mind, there is a huge hit in your sense of self worth and honor.