Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 16 of 16 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, I'm new here and in desperate help! Have no one to talk to!! I'm a 34 y/o f, been married to my 34- y/o husband for almost 4 years, dated for 3 and engaged for 1. Our relationship hasn't always been perfect since the beginning, but I always thought it was normal for couples to have differences. We were very in love and couldn't get our hands off of each other. After we got married, we started to try to conceive right away and that's when things started to go wrong. We weren't successful after months of trying, and in the meantime we also went through the stress of buying a house to prepare for this family to start. After 3 years of trying, we have a huge house but still no baby. Hubby started to have erection issues, hence we are not having enough sex, sometimes we'd let months go by. He kept blaming himself, long story short my MD recommended us to try IVF, and my husband was very supportive and said he's ready when I am. Until last week....he told me he started seeing a therapist because of his issues, I told him if he thinks it helps him I am supportive. But yesterday he told me he realized he doesn't have "issues", he realized he's just unhappy and he's not attracted to me anymore....then the conversations led to how he thinks he's not meant for marriage and he doesn't want to drag me further. He says he doesn't want a divorce and he wants to keep going to therapy, but in the meantime he wants us to "separate" so he can think. I asked him what I've done wrong he says nothing, he just wants to do whatever he wants to without having to think about me. He then days he doesn't enjoy doing anything with me anymore, he just wants to go to work, comes home watches sports and sleeps. He says he can't give me happiness anymore.
I'm so confused??!!! Is he going to leave me.???
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
45,141 Posts
It could be a few diff things.

All the trying for a baby might have turned sex into a chore for him. Then there is the disappointment of not getting prego.

Or he might be at a crisis in his feelings toward you that have come about by the two of you not working to keep your relationship strong.

Or he could be having an affair. How does he act with his cell? Is it password protected? Does he keep it with him and/or guarded all the time? How much time does he spend on the computer? Have his work hours changed over the last few months?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,074 Posts
Hard to say. Transitioning from the honeymoon (can't keep our hands off each other) phase to a more negotiating phase of marriage is normal and neither of you should freak out about that or believe a decrease in passion means anything. That's normal and you've been married long enough for that to be a likely factor. Marriages do go through changes...all of them. Whenever a spouse just comes out of the blue and announces they are unhappy and need space, I automatically wonder who the third party is. I'm just suspicious that way. If you and he have been at odds for a long time, he may just be unhappy and feel he needs a break. Was this baby notion a joint idea or was it primarily your's? If he's otherwise healthy, he seems a little young to have erection issues and zero interest in sex, especially when he didn't seem to have those problems before the marriage. Did his problems suddenly appear when you started trying for a baby? He's just started seeing this therapist. I'm no expert, but it seems that lots of folks have a session or two and convince themselves they are Sigmund Freud and they have figured out all their issues as well as those of the rest of the world. Till he really gets sorted out, you might hear all sorts of strangeness coming out of his mouth. The therapy does make him focus on himself and that's exactly what he said he wanted to do...think and do things without thinking about you (focus on himself). Has his testosterone levels been checked? Maybe he's got depression? Wanting to sleep all the time doesn't sound like someone only unhappy with you. If you haven't been noticing secretive behaviors, I'd be suspecting this is more of a medical issue than a relationship one. You never know what someone might do in the future. You're a wife today and it sounds like your husband's going through some sort of headspace drama. Have faith and be patient.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I'm so happy that someone read my post and replied!!!
The first reaction I got was he met someone, or at least an EA...he denied it right away. He told me he'd never hurt me that way. I asked if there's someone he's like to pursue he also denied. His cell phone is always locked with a password but I've never questioned it since I myself have mine locked all the time...for security reason I guess. Well I'm still confused, he told me he wanted to separate so I told him to sleep in the other bedroom for now but I came home from work and he was already sleeping in our bed...
Yesterday I txted me and said he promised me he wouldn't leave me without trying to work on first, which was comforting, but now I'm self conscious about what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to behave in front of him. Should I seek counseling myself? I'm afraid of us going together because I've heard that it could get ugly when we're too open about each other...
Sorry I'm just rambling I'm so confused....
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
The baby notion was a joint idea (actually he likes children more than i do) until one time I had a miscarriage, then he told me he wouldn't care if we didn't have kids altogether, but I don't want to give up yet. I admit that sex has become a chore for us and that's a big factor. We took a 6 months break without "trying" and I also planned a few road trips together, but it was no different. He has always been a Lovy dovy guy who likes PDA and that hasn't changed, so that conversation came as a shock to me. One thing that upsets me the most is when he said everything became a chore to him, and he doesn't like chores. But I'm the one who does all the chores in this house, im the only one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, hosts parties, evrrything, even handy man jobs, I or my father do it, he never bothers, and i work fulltime too! I feel that in a way he's a little immature and has mixed up responsibility with chores. He told me all his life he's never had to do anything so "that's how I am and that's how I'll always be". I think yeah...deep down I'm very mad at him sometimes, and that might have turned into bad attitudes towards him which turn him off.
I just asked him if he'd like to go away for a little bit during Valentina's day weekend he told me to go with my girlfriends instead.....so how are we really "trying" to work on this?? Maybe I should just leave him alone....
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
232 Posts
The best thing you can do is to make yourself as healthy as possible both physically and emotionally. Individual counseling is a great idea. I think it always seems to help for both people to go separately and together. I would be suspicious of at least an EA if not a PA as he is not interested in sex. I personally would be finding ways to check his phone and email ASAP
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
606 Posts
there are a couple of red flags here: 1. from the beginning your relationship has had it problems, 2. he says he can't give you happiness anymore.

Maybe these relationship problems are insurmountable to him and whatever the issues are, they've become too much for him.

If he can't give you happiness, what's going on with you? are you depressed? why can't he make you happy?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
116 Posts
i had a friend whos hubby had probs with getting erection and he ended up having to use viagra. she very very attractive and he blamed her for it .. saying she wasnt trying hard enough....... the thing is his manhood was on the line and he needed someone to blame, they were married for 17 years !! 2 kids..... she earnt more money than him and this was a BIG problem for him... dont blame yourself for anything. good luck
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,074 Posts
Doesn't sound like he feels interested, motivated, or hopeful about anything and just basic living is a "chore" to him. He has trouble making or sticking to decisions. Sounds a lot like depression to me, but, of course, I'm not a shrink.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,781 Posts
I would do some more checking on the affair issue. This pattern is simply too common for people who are cheating, right down to the things he's saying to you about the problems in the marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 · (Edited)
So ladies I had a rough weekend...I didn't know how to act in front of him anymore, I feel like now he's only pretending to care about me and only obligated to stay, so I packed up a little bag and checked into a hotel. I just needed time to clear my head! Before I left my husband asked me where I was going and he told me not to go, but I went anyway. I asked him to recall his marriage vow and promised me he'd find his way back, he told me he's not a fortune teller so he can't guarantee or promise me anything. He told me he did say those vows but he doesnt believe in it anymore. To me, just that tells me he's on his way out. I confronted him again about an affair he swore on his parents lives that there's no woman involved. All weekend he was out hanging with his friends who are single, he told me whom he was with, then he said" oh see you're counting the days I hang out with my boys, that's your issue'. He said my trusting issue is making things worse and every time I bi*** I'm pushing him further and further away.
My husband is not depressed. I think instead of growing up as he ages and becomes more mature, he's going backwards. He says he's just a simple guy, he doesn't look at what future holds, he only lives one day at a time. He also says he knows what I want in this marriage and he's afraid he can't feel the same and I "deserve better than him"
He told me his next counseling session is Friday and he'll work on it. Right now I'm already expecting the worst, I'm already thinking how I should tell this to my parents, and everybody else...am I overreacting?? I'm just not so confident he can come around and find his way back anymore. How will counseling help if he's made up his mind? It's like the more we talk about it the clearer the picture is, ie he wants out. :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Hard to say. Transitioning from the honeymoon (can't keep our hands off each other) phase to a more negotiating phase of marriage is normal and neither of you should freak out about that or believe a decrease in passion means anything. That's normal and you've been married long enough for that to be a likely factor. Marriages do go through changes...all of them. Whenever a spouse just comes out of the blue and announces they are unhappy and need space, I automatically wonder who the third party is. I'm just suspicious that way. If you and he have been at odds for a long time, he may just be unhappy and feel he needs a break. Was this baby notion a joint idea or was it primarily your's? If he's otherwise healthy, he seems a little young to have erection issues and zero interest in sex, especially when he didn't seem to have those problems before the marriage. Did his problems suddenly appear when you started trying for a baby? He's just started seeing this therapist. I'm no expert, but it seems that lots of folks have a session or two and convince themselves they are Sigmund Freud and they have figured out all their issues as well as those of the rest of the world. Till he really gets sorted out, you might hear all sorts of strangeness coming out of his mouth. The therapy does make him focus on himself and that's exactly what he said he wanted to do...think and do things without thinking about you (focus on himself). Has his testosterone levels been checked? Maybe he's got depression? Wanting to sleep all the time doesn't sound like someone only unhappy with you. If you haven't been noticing secretive behaviors, I'd be suspecting this is more of a medical issue than a relationship one. You never know what someone might do in the future. You're a wife today and it sounds like your husband's going through some sort of headspace drama. Have faith and be patient.
Actually I read this post again and it helped me a lot...you"re right I should be patient . Maybe he got more confused with his one therapy session. I'll have to keep my faith
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
I could be wrong, but it sounds like he is afraid of growing up, and all the pressures of the baby and so on. I think he may feel a little tied down.The reason I say this, is because he was hanging out with single friends all weekend.......Maybe I am wrong but thats just what I think.I would not allow him keep you in limbo too long though this is unfair, and definitely go for counselling because if he does leave, you are going to need support for all of the other issues that raises kids etc.

I hope it works out for you
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
Oh dear...I'm so sorry.

Get yourself out of the hotel & back home! He wants "out" he goes. Book yourself an MC appointment asap & ask him to go. If he refuses, go alone (I did).

Get yourself over to the CWI forum on this site & read the threads. He may be cheating (he won't admit it) or thinking about it when he hangs out with his single friends.

Meanwhile, go about your business. Don't act clingy & needy - very unattractive. No "relationship" talks unless he initiates.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
405 Posts
Passionate love fades somewhere around three years. The butterflies and infatuation fade. After that love is a choice that one has to work on. I would suggest marriage counseling for both of you together.
 
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top