Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 15 of 15 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
At the age of 18, I believed I was fortunate to have a long life with my love. We dated and married each other when we were 23. The first few years seemed normal and I abided by "happy wife...happy life." It wasn't until my husband told me that I was so controlling and always telling him what to do that I took a step back and realized that the quote was wrong and I ****ed up. Now he was no angel and at that time began to rebel and completely treat me like ****. I went to therapy and learned to work on myself. We began to try to have a family and realized that we needed to try fertility. That added more stress and it was all I could focus on. My husband brought me to counseling, and after 4 sessions stated everything was better and I believed him. I worked on my controlling nature and took a step back to focus on him. We had what I thought was an amazing year and he told me he still wasn't happy. Instead of attacking him I asked him what he needed and he said space. I was respectful, didn't fight back and said Ok. I will stay at the house and take care of responsibilities and he can leave I'll hold down the fort. After a month he told me he wanted me to be the one to leave. I stupidly left. After a month apart he told me he wanted to make things work so he planned 3 dates and they were fantastic! I believed that my patience was finally paying off. But then we got into a fight and he took a step backward. This brought tension and he decided to completely pull away.

I realized more about myself and said I recognize he was trying and wish I could have acknowledged it more. He told me, "It's too little too late" and that he is done and wants out of the marriage. I have been living at my dad's house for 12 weeks now so he could have space in hopes of us getting back together. I decided if he wants out then he should be the one to leave. It's not fair that I left for him, so now I am coming home for me. We are headed to a divorce and I keep saying I am here willing and wanting to make things work but can't do it on my own. This isn't a relationship. This is a marriage. I realized I am now married to a stranger. His words to me today are, "What don't you get? You aren't wanted." I have never felt so lonely. I'm moving hime and spending time with my dogs in my house until we sell it or finalize money.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,191 Posts
Hes jaded.

Tell him he needs therapy to get over his resentment. Weather or not you try to keep the marriage together.

Then ignor him. Act pleasent but don't chace him .
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,729 Posts
How many years were you married when he first told you he was unhappy? Were you abusive? Exactly what was going on that made him so unhappy that he took you to therapy?

Don't beg. Work on yourself. If he has given up after 5 years, he is not a keeper, or you simply wore him out. Marriage is difficult. Different things come up that require each person to look at him/herself in the new circumstance and change...sometimes a bit late. However it is never too late, unless one person has thrown in the towel.

Many people here have been married many years and still love their spouses, trying new things. Some may think that is crazy, others understand it as keeping their vows "for better or for worse."

Be thankful you have your dad to go to for support, and you aren't alone or isolated. Also be thankful that there are no children in the mix, because would make it much more difficult.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
I went to therapy the first time because I became extremely anxious and did beg him to come once. He decided that therapy was good for him and started going on his own, therefore, I couldn't go anymore. After 1 year he brought me to a marriage counselor. Unfortunately, he said everything was fine when he really hated the counselor. She told me she wouldn't dismiss us if she had the choice, but I believed him.

I was NEVER abusive. In the beginning of the relationship I took control over what we would do over the weekend or what he needed to fix around the house etc. Then it turned into me telling him he had to come with me places that he didn't want to come and would get upset if he didn't. After he brought it to my attention, I realized I was treating him like a child and was so embarrassed. I really worked on it and he would tell me overall things were better and he felt like a teammate. It did eventually turn into me feeling like I didn't have a say in anything anymore thought. I don't know if he was making up for lost time or not, but he dictated everything.

At this point he goes to his own therapy and I go to mine. He refuses to go to couples therapy again because he said he has nothing left in him anymore.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,454 Posts
It's not clear.. how long have the two of you been married? How old are the two of you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,355 Posts
If only one of you wants ta Beira on the marriage, it's doomed.

The "I want space" thing is pretty commonly an excuse to be alone with an affair partner.

Are there any other indications of cheating?
Guarding phone? Unexplained time?
Dressing differently?

How was the sex before you separated?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
208 Posts
At the age of 18, I believed I was fortunate to have a long life with my love. We dated and married each other when we were 23. The first few years seemed normal and I abided by "happy wife...happy life." It wasn't until my husband told me that I was so controlling and always telling him what to do that I took a step back and realized that the quote was wrong and I ****ed up. Now he was no angel and at that time began to rebel and completely treat me like ****. I went to therapy and learned to work on myself. We began to try to have a family and realized that we needed to try fertility. That added more stress and it was all I could focus on. My husband brought me to counseling, and after 4 sessions stated everything was better and I believed him. I worked on my controlling nature and took a step back to focus on him. We had what I thought was an amazing year and he told me he still wasn't happy. Instead of attacking him I asked him what he needed and he said space. I was respectful, didn't fight back and said Ok. I will stay at the house and take care of responsibilities and he can leave I'll hold down the fort. After a month he told me he wanted me to be the one to leave. I stupidly left. After a month apart he told me he wanted to make things work so he planned 3 dates and they were fantastic! I believed that my patience was finally paying off. But then we got into a fight and he took a step backward. This brought tension and he decided to completely pull away.



I realized more about myself and said I recognize he was trying and wish I could have acknowledged it more. He told me, "It's too little too late" and that he is done and wants out of the marriage. I have been living at my dad's house for 12 weeks now so he could have space in hopes of us getting back together. I decided if he wants out then he should be the one to leave. It's not fair that I left for him, so now I am coming home for me. We are headed to a divorce and I keep saying I am here willing and wanting to make things work but can't do it on my own. This isn't a relationship. This is a marriage. I realized I am now married to a stranger. His words to me today are, "What don't you get? You aren't wanted." I have never felt so lonely. I'm moving hime and spending time with my dogs in my house until we sell it or finalize money.


It sounds like he has taken a lover.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,577 Posts
Yeah, my guess is he found someone else he wants to be with.

But go ahead and stay in your home. It's your home, too. He's the one who wants out, so he has to leave. Odds are, his girlfriend has been staying there and now she's *****ing at him. But hold firm. Let him leave.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,043 Posts
@lonelywifey49

Reading this thread it would seem as though your husband is going through some sort of identity/midlife crisis. I say this based on the fact that he goes to therapy but does not seem to want to include you.

Sometimes in relationships we may tend to define ourselves to include that idea of ourselves and our partner as one. If one person becomes too dominant in that scenario it is possible for one person in the relationship to essentially loose their own identity and loose sight of who they are as an individual.

So if your husband tells you, "What don't you get? You aren't wanted." Perhaps he is in a crisis to just try and figure out who he is as an individual apart from you now that he is an adult. Instead he should say, "I don't know who I am anymore as an individual, please let me figure this out on my own."

It may not be so much about rejection as it is a process of frustrated self discovery. Only your husband can work this out for himself if this is the case.

I could be completely wrong, but perhaps thinking through things this way might be helpful...

Badsanta
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,203 Posts
My take is he is to the point of frustration and just wants it to be over. It doesn't sound like you are the type of wife he expected and frankly it doesn't sound like he is the kind of husband you want. Treating him like a child means you don't respect him or trust his decision making, you can stop yourself from saying things but inside you will still feel the same and eventually the resentment builds and then blows the top off.

I think your husband realizes the two of you aren't a good couple. Sure he could have a girlfriend but I lean toward him just being exhausted at not being happy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,577 Posts
My take is he is to the point of frustration and just wants it to be over. It doesn't sound like you are the type of wife he expected and frankly it doesn't sound like he is the kind of husband you want. Treating him like a child means you don't respect him or trust his decision making, you can stop yourself from saying things but inside you will still feel the same and eventually the resentment builds and then blows the top off.

I think your husband realizes the two of you aren't a good couple. Sure he could have a girlfriend but I lean toward him just being exhausted at not being happy.
I agree to an extent but, being a woman, I'll tell you that a LOT of women are raised to think that's just what you do when you're married - control the home. Get men to do what you want. Be the 'female.' Not that they're doing it to be mean or bad; it's just what they think is supposed to be done. And some, like OP, mature and figure out that's a bunch of baloney. And try to rectify it.
 
1 - 15 of 15 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top