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What is going on? Advice needed!!

2189 Views 14 Replies 9 Participants Last post by  acertriplex
Ok, everyone. I am going to try and make this as simple as possible, while adding as many details as I can. I found this website today, I wish I had done so years ago. I hope it helps someone else see the light.

Here’s my story.

I am 27 years old. I married at the age of 22, less than a year since I had gotten out of the military. I met H while we were in the service. In 2006, during my second tour in Iraq, I went on leave for two weeks, when I returned I looked through my pc’s history. I found three pages worth of searches for sex vacations, ‘single men’ vacations, and escort sites in both our home state and the state we were stationed in when not deployed. I immediately broke up with him. That same day he begged and pleaded and said that he only went to those pages out of curiosity. I took him back, that my friends, was error 1. Error 2 was getting engaged upon our return from war, and error 3 was telling everyone right away that I was going to get married, had I not told everyone right away I would’ve maybe had the guts to break it off.

In 2007, he was due to get out 3months before me from the service. When I got out and came to our new apartment, I decided to search his pc one day. I immediately found escort sites, and the like in the history section. It was just what I had feared in 2006. I left the apt but returned a week later. I knew something was off, but went on with the wedding plans. I knew no one in the area, I didn’t know how to get around, and had not yet found a job. He used that to his advantage. When he would take off at night or not show up, I had no idea where he went…until I got smart and started hacking into things. I looked at his CC statement and one day found a charge for $325 x2 for a nearby stripclub, so I checked his phone log for the same night, and found a number, searched it and It matched an escort service, I also found a hotel room receipt for the same night, as well as an atm withdrawal. He was very ‘sorry’ and could not believe what he had done..etc. Yet til this day, does not admit to sleeping with someone. WTH!?!?

In 2008, We got married. I had a bad feeling about it. My best friend, who is a male, warned me that it would be worse to get divorced later on. I felt that I could not bare the gossiping and talking about how my wedding was cancelled and what not. My wedding was NOT the happiest day of my life! He got drunk before, and during the wedding, on our way back he was throwing up from the limo window. It was only the beginning of my embarrassment. As 2008 went on, I kept checking things, I found more strip club charges. One day he saw I opened a random letter he got in the mail, and he got really furious. I then also saw that he was getting booklets mailed to him with phone sex advertisements and stuff. I thought this is weird. He said he didn’t know why he was getting them! The more he ran off at night or stayed out drinking after work, the more time I had to snoop. I went on adultfriendfinder and entered his email and clicked that I had forgotten the password, because that way if he had an account there, a temporary password would be sent. And it was! I hacked into it, and found ads by him searching for tons of women to have threesomes, phone sex, online sex, etc. I then went to a video website for live sex vid chats and did the same thing….of course he had an account there too!!
In 2008 my mother had surgery, I left home for a few days, when I returned, I went through his phone and found calls to a vulgar phone number I wont post, and I called it, it was a sex line. Well, two of them. And the pc had more escort searches!
By then I had enrolled in college and had found a job. Both full time. My grades took a serious hit when all this began to unravel. I wish I hadn’t had a job so that I could have left, I was beginning to get very ill. My body ached, I was having panic attacks, migraines, no energy and numbing but I didn’t know why.

Long story short, the years passed and the things continued. I filed everything in a folder I still have.
In 2011, I got pregnant. I miscarried in my 3rd month. About 2-3 weeks after that he didn’t come home one night, I got a text at 3am saying that he would be working a double. At 5am his family called, I didn’t know what was happening, I called back and was told that he was in the hospital. I immediately thought he had an accident at work. Well,…… he didn’t. He was at a strip club, they called the police and had an ambulance take him to the hospital for intoxication. When his family brought him home, no one told me anything, as he laid in bed drunk, I went through his phone and found tons of searches for escorts on craigslist. I then found a call at 4am to a prostitute, which lasted 2 mins! Enough time to arrange something. I called the bank and pretended to be him, they listed several transactions of $1,200 each at a ‘steak place’. So I called the ‘steak place’ and they told me it was a strip club which also served food and that their VIP rooms cost $1,200. He spent over $6k that night. He emptied the account. His phone also had calls to the bank which he had to make so the transactions could keep going through. Which proves he was not too out of It, not to know what he was doing.

After that, I told him to find a therapist, a month and a half later he still couldn’t get ahold of one. Another lie. So I did. We went and 19 months later, which is now, she has yet to tell him he’s an alcoholic or sex addict. Since starting therapy I lost a second pregnancy. He was totally unmoved. I became weary of the therapist when she kept suggesting I get pregnant, despite me losing two pregnancies and him still being a heavy drinker. She suggested we go away on vacation, we did, and he drank himself silly every day and looked at other women right in front of my face. It was a nightmare of a vacation. She kept telling me he loved me, and he til this day says he doesn’t remember, or doesn’t know anything. That’s his answer for everything he is asked about what he did!! There is more to this story, but this is long enough of a post.
My point? I have experienced what I believe have been mental breakdowns. I have been prescribed Xanax. I’ve become so numb because of everything. I am so tired of hearing ‘Sorry’, ‘I love you’, ‘I don’t remember’, ‘I don’t know’, ‘Have a baby’, that I just cant take it anymore. Today when I found this page, I realized how similar other stories are to mine. I obviously cannot love this person. This month I quit going to counseling because he wont answer anything that matters. I have been searching for a reason Why? For years. I don’t think I am ever going to get it. I feel that I deserve better. It’s scary because I just graduated college, my previous job burned down, I now want a job in my field and I think I need a new life.
My question is, What do you guys think of all this? Isn’t it obvious the I don’t remember and I don’t know’s are lies?? Why is the therapist so nonchalant about everything? I feel I can never love this man, I can’t be blamed. I am not in love anymore. Does anyone have any words of encouragement, or feedback? I feel so dumb for taking so long to see the truth, but I NEED to move on. I feel that I cant take this happening to me one more time. There is no longer one more chance left. There can’t be. I’ve been walked on for years. It feels good to finally share my story with people.

Extra info: There were times when he’d go for over a month without sleeping with me, while at the same time being such a sexually influenced person. Had I never found all those receipts/ads, he’d probably still have them online!

I feel I need a mentor, or ideas from someone who has been through this.
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I am sorry for your pain. He's not going to get better.

Whatever you choose to do, please don't bring a child into this world with this person.
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Wow, what a time you have been through. I am 43 and have 4 kids. I was married to my first wife for 11 years. She cheated on me and was a prescription pain killer addict. I look back on that time of my life and say to myself "why in the heck did you stay in that as long as you did?" My answer was because I had 2 children with her. If I didn't have kids it would have been an easier decision. Your husband isn't going to get any better until he wants to get better, and it certainly doesn't sound like he wants to. It is clear that you love him, but I'm afraid it isn't going to change. God bless you.
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I am also sorry for your pain.

Your name sounds optimistic. Yes, its "gonna be alright" as soon as you divorce him. You know that you need to get away from this pain.

Do it now while you are still young and have no children with this man. Believe me, your life with an alcoholic husband will only get progressively worse.

Make sure that you have yourself checked out for STDs.

Make your break soon! Good luck.
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Thanks a lot for your advice guys. For a long time I did not share with others what was happening. Of course the last time with the police being called by the strip club and all there was no covering it up. I don't even know why I tried to keep it to myself. There came a point when I knew I was no longer in love. The professionals failed me in this case because they came up with rather odd advice,'get pregnant', 'go travel', 'move on', etc.
Like I keep saying in other posts, the more I read on this site, the more I am learning. In a way I feel a little naive for having prolonged this and believing all the lies. But they say, you live and you learn. And I've certainly learned from this. What I don't understand is why the therapist never said, he's a sex addict or he's an alcoholic? I mean it is sort of obvious. I don't know what to think sometimes.
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It seems as if he's using you to try to make himself feel normal. I don't need to tell you that he's hurting you immensely. Don't give him that power anymore!

You'll have a much higher opinion of yourself when this is all hindsight, you're happy, and you'll be saying, "What was I thinking?"

I can only surmise the therapist sees dollar signs by letting this drag on forever, though I'd like to think not. Surely he/she wouldn't want to see someone continually being betrayed and disappointed and on the arm of a drunk. Drunks are NOT sexy!

The prognosis for a sex addict is dismal at best, and the heart of the one that loves them is doomed to sadness and insecurity.

Sometimes we have to learn the hard way, but at least we learn. Move on, girl. I PROMISE this is not what it's supposed to be like. Get up, brush yourself off, stick your chin up and RUN!!!
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You need to divorce him and start living your own life.
This man has shown you no love and respect in all this time so why do you stay?
He is a liar and a cheater and out your health at risk. I'm sorry but he's disgusting. He's never going to change.
Sorry if that's Not what you want to hear
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Thanks. That is what I think...the years are flying by...the situation is NOT changing. He refuses to prove there isn't more going on, and has never and I assume will never 'remember' things. It's the most convenient of all memories. How is it this stupid therapist has never said he's a sex addict?
My spouse from hell's way of thinking is,...if he doesn't remember...then it most likely didn't really happen, or he didn't mean to do it. But believe me when I say, The pile of logs, etc I have didn't just appear out of nowhere. That is the only thing he owns up to...the things I have concrete proof for, which is why I say there HAS TO BE MORE!!!

Why is he trying to drag me down with him? I think he's nuts and he isn't even aware of it.
Why do you feel you need more?

He will not change, especially if you don't. Get strong. Detach. Find yourself again. Let his problems be his problems. You only get one chance at this life. Is this how you want to spend it?

I know you love him, but it's not a healthy relationship for you.

Read "Codependent No More." There are lots of answers in there, and you will find peace of mind. It's a good read for someone in your situation.

"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."

If he "proves" anything to you, are you going to trust him, or are you going to constantly live in fear that it may happen again? Are you going to live happily ever after?

What is keeping you in this relationship?

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I feel you and the only thing I can say is also just "let it be".
It makes no sense. When reading your post there are two lines which made my stomach hurt
telling everyone right away that I was going to get married, had I not told everyone right away I would’ve maybe had the guts to break it off.
Since starting therapy I lost a second pregnancy.
That felt so strange to me, because it tells me that you were in doubts and still you went through it.
And you are still there according to your second line.
People told you already don't let him hurt you any longer and they are right. Get out of there and start living. You are not alone!
I think you find these websites helpful:

COSA recovery
Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center - POSARC

Stay strong. Get help for yourself; it's out there. You deserve it.

Keep us updated with your progress and your situation even if you're not perfect. None of us are perfect, and this is a good place for comfort and tough love. Sugar coating is not helpful and delays progress.
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Marriage is essentially a contract, where each party agrees to sacrifice looking out for themselves and their happiness and place that responsibility into the hands of their spouse.

You have given your husband chance after chance to complete his end of the contract but he has yet to fulfill these terms, because your are still unhappy, unsatisfied, and unfulfilled.

It's honorable that you gave him every opportunity, but it should be clear by now that he is not capable of fulfilling the terms and should not be in a marriage contract.

You should terminate this contract immediately because the longer you stay in it, the more you will lose.
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Why is he trying to drag me down with him? I think he's nuts and he isn't even aware of it.

Your husband is in a very serious addiction and he will bring you down. Your choice is to stay and have him reduce you to a door mat or get out NOW!!!

Do not get pregnant, make a plan, get as much help as you can, and start rebuilding what has been torn down in your personhood.

If you are already so weakened that you cannot breakaway from him completely then get some emotional help IMMEDIATELY. You cannot take much more before you will be no good to yourself or anyone else.

Run Forest Run!!
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I am a male and usually more sympathetic to the males view however if everything you posted was true I highly recommend a divorce and if not at least use a condom, or if you not use the nuvaring or pill. DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM.
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