My daughter is very very very precious to me. After seeing 4 little penis's in a row when giving birth, I can not even express.. finally.... hearing ...
I count WHO my daughter marries oneday to be the single most important decision she will ever make in her entire life.....and how she handles her sexuality before she meets this man can not be under-estimated -in my opionion. It has the power & potential to destroy her dreams, or allow them to take flight to full fruition, with no regrets.
1. 1st, SEX will never be a dirty word in our household. I want my daughter to see playful displays of affection between me & her father, we do not hide kisses, hugs, even a little flirting, I want her to see a healthy happiness there. I also instill within her, even now - she can come to me with anything & everything, nothing will shock me, I understand human nature well, nor will I shame her for any subject. We are very open communicators in our family - It is a good foundation to be laid.
But 1st -what do I mean by SEX....I agree with this definition...."Having sex" means any consensual behavior between two individuals involving genital contact & bodily penetration. That means oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal sex are all "sex' " .... can read more here ..... The Definition of 'Sex'
2. I will teach my daughter .....Sex is beautiful thing ...but it has it's place, there is a time & a season for such beauty... it is meant to be shared between 2 people who LOVE each other. There is no greater pleasure God has given us on this earth, no emotional BONDING that has more meaning -as the giving & receiving in this way, that this act has the awesome potential to Create NEW LIFE..... that it should never be used casually, or carelessly, because of this very fact, It carries the greatest of responsibilities with it. It is the awesomest of the AWESOME. I will refer to it as "sacred" even.
3. I will teach my daughter not everyone looks at Sex as this Special. What she sees in the media, magazines, tv, music, hears in school, even sees friends experience - too often results in broken relationships where sex was ingaged in TOO QUICKLY, the "bad boys" being praised for their conquests, Girls giving themselves to these gamers in hopes "for love", women dressing to entice the hot guys -and for what ? Hearts ripped in 2, tears, loss of self esteem sometimes, pregnancy faced alone, Grandparents raising grandchildren, children growing up without fathers, a night of physical passion without connection? Rubbers can be worn but the brokenness that follows SCARS our entire society.
I will ask her how she feels about these things. I will ask her what SHE wants for her own life. I will tell her she has POWER, she has CHOICES....and to never be led by "the crowd". She is her own woman.
Also she MUST take responsibility for those choices. Personal Responsibility is HUGE in our family -I will not allow my TEENS to see themselves as "victims" - if they had a voice & a choice in the matter.
Sure we all make mistakes, we forge ahead living in the moment, none of us are perfect, but to KNOW the "games" others play, know the "RISKS" of each action before indulging & OWN your own "hand" in it- this is a must.
4. I will explain to my daughter, she WILL Have sexual urges, this is natural .... and to understand BOYS have those same urges -but raging 10 times MORE than she is feeling them- if that can even be imagined ! They are near blinded with LUST ...and this overflows out of thier mouths with flirtatious fury around the girls. To not be fooled, this has nothing ever to do with LOVE..... she needs to understand this completely, their minds have been near hi-jacked by Overloads of Testosterone. Some are scrambling to understand it themselves, their IS an immaturity there. Boys will also be compelled to look upon porn & oogle women, I don't care how "good" or "moral" they are, they will WANT to do this. My daughter will have a FINE education on the male sex drive.
A few comments from men themselves on the http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/34971-male-sex-drive.html thread about their youth, I appreciate their honesty! ....
I would have done/said anything that would get me intyo bed with them, getting them to flash me, etc etc....
Puberty, hormones raging. I dont think I once thought about love during that time. Purely a want to put it in something. As I grow older the drive has remained as powerful as ever, but its fueled by more than just hormones.
5. I will explain to my daughter ...if a Boy truly has HER interests at heart (some are struggling with LUST & pangs of LOVE, their very own hearts).... if influenced by Genuine feelings of care & interest in MORE than some booty.... these boys will stick around, they will continue to woo her, "wait" for HER- every part of her, they will listen to her, they will take "the time" - (of course they will be fantasizing like mad in addition) but still they will try to BE that gentleman for their "lady".....take her out , make plans to enjoy things together, talks walks & talk, call her just to hear her voice, learn of her as a person, ask what she enjoys & make that happen.
These boys may itch to get in her pants, but she should never JUMP... if she is interested in them, TEST them with the ruler of TIME, allow them to openly reveal their "heart" in regards to her. This is wisdom.
I am of the belief.... Although ALL men LOVE & crave sex, they will "wait" & pursue the one girl that captures their heart & soul. Once they are "caught", they are ensnared. Love is the most amazing thing on this earth. The greatest love songs ever penned were written by MEN in love.
6. When she starts dating herself -being alone with a boy turning into a man, I will likely share how me & her father handled ourselves before we married. Where our boundaries were....was MORE than the Church would consider "moral" but it was LESS than what the majority, even within the church pew did themselves! So let the judgers judge. But for us... it kept us from burning with LUST, an "emotional connection" grew & we still had something "NEW" to bring to our Wedding night, what we deemed the most sacred to give to each other .
My daughter will have to decide for herself what her "personal boundaries" will be in this area.
Some women can enjoy Sex without an emotional connection... I personally can not understand this at all, I am greedy!! I would want BOTH, LUST is passionate & all Consuming -YES ! ....but I would want MORE from that man, I would tie myself to him, want to posses him , It would utterly DEVESTATE me if he did not feel the same as I, was cold the next day or ....gone.
I will talk openly to my daughter about this side of sex also, and ask how she would feel about such things. Explaining MANY men can separate this, one night stands are common. But I will always believe, overwhelmingly more women get HURT by these, loosing a part of themselves along the way.
7. I will speak openly about STD's/ veneral diseases with my daughter.....she MUST not be ignorant of the physical ramifications that can come upon her body, some for life. Many do not even know they have it -when it is transmitted. Untreated, some can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease- which causes Infertility- which can risk her future chances of being a mother. STD's That Cause Infertility
A list here:
Sexually Transmitted Diseases: Rhode Island Department of Health
8. I will teach my daughter there is a heavy EMOTIONAL side to sex.... Sex releases certain chemicals in our brains that change the way we think ...the hormones released work to bond us to our partner, it's like gluing two pieces of paper together. If you tried to tear those pages apart, the break wouldn't be a clean one. The same kind of thing happens when there's a breakup in a sexual relationship. These break ups can be as painful as mini-divorces. If this happens over & over & over, it has a way of de-personalizing our emotions.
Also, these sexual memories of our 1st, 2nd, 3rd boyfriends may linger in our psyche, show up in the bedroom later with our very husbands, comparisons creep in. We may wish he was as BIG as #1, or his oral skills was as arousing as #2. It is just something to consider. Of coarse men can do this also, comparing old girlfriends to thier wives. Then we have the whole Facebook debacle with old lovers befriending each other & the nightmare that brings.
9. Although many men will not care how many partners a girl had in her youth -they may even be ecstatic she is experienced & could show him a thing or 2! There are SOME men out there who will care, it has Great meaning to them -and it is not as much about "insecurities"...as much as it is about "the sacredness" they attach to "love making" -they feel this is the Greatest gift one can give their future bride/husbands, worthy of the waiting- hard as it may be to contain. My oldest son feels this way-strongly , I will not belittle that ..but being such a pure Virgin, I feel has it's RISKS also ...which brings me to ...
10. Sexual Repression is far too common - 1 hinderance I do not wish upon any of my children, although I want them to wait -make sure they are loved & cherished BEFORE they "give" their full selves to another.
I will teach my daughter ... If she is going to be in a relationship with a man, she needs to understand him, and have compassion on what HE is going through physically, if he is willing to wait for her - IF that is even her desire. And a man NEEDS to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that even though she may not be READY to engage in genital to genital contact with him, that she craves physical intimacy with him, , that she is deeply sexually attracted to him. I would hope their openness would blossom to Orgasm talk & how they feel about them, as I feel a man should KNOW these things about any woman he marries. This gives him some indication of her sex drive, as this could vary greatly from woman to woman.
This will be very unpopular advice for strict religious believers, but I feel it is terribly RISKY for a high drive man to marry a pure untouched virgin, he really has NO IDEA if she will even ENJOY sex - which "could" put him in a near prison once married, if she finds out she doesn't care for it after the vows. LOVE is NOT ENOUGH to keep that flame alive, Healthy sex is vital to all marriages. I've read too many personal stories, very heart breaking.
I knew of one couple who didn't even KISS until their wedding day. Do I think they are crazy...yeah pretty much... but I guess it worked out for THEM, he was not resentful, they waited, they have no regrets..to each our own in our ...personal boundaries. So long as both is on the same page, you may have found your "match" made in Heaven.
I don't feel she needs to be so pure as to either of them burning with lust, while near crying to touch each other. I think we need to ENJOY each others body to some degree, even give each other pleasure. I think the problem most would have is..they wouldn't be able to stop- once they got going. I guess me & my husband are not the norm, we never went over our boundaries in this regard- though I sure remember wanting too! .
"A REAL man, the kind of man a woman wants to give her life to, is one who will respect her dignity, who will honor her like the valuable treasure she is. A REAL man will not attempt to rip her precious pearl from it's protective shell, or persuade her with charm to give away her treasure prematurely, but he will wait patiently until she willingly gives him the prize of her heart. A REAL man will cherish and care for that prize forever.”