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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all....some advice please.

We got married 6 months ago, everything seemed right. Things have taken a turn for the worst lately. She changed a few months ago and got a bit more withdrawn. She recently let me know that she has been depressed. I think that it boils down to money. My checks pay the bills but there isn't much left over- she comes from a 'well to do' family that has never had to worry about money because there was always plenty of it. I should add also, that she is from Korea. There are some things that are blamed on cultural differences.

She says that when there is something wrong, I should talk to her and not hold it in, but when I talk to her it agitates her and erupts into an argument.

I have been facing things too, but I don't tell her because her depression is a full time job.

What I face:

*She is ashamed of my daughter, she does not let her friends know that I have a 16 yr old child. If the friends come to visit, she takes down the pictures of my daughter so they don't see. Also, I cannot be friends with her friends on Facebook because they might see that I have a daughter. (She says that this is because of her culture)

*When I get my daughter (alternating weekends) my wife leaves and stays the night at her parents house. I think this hurts my daughters feelings.

*We are accumulating debt, she has finally said that she will get a job. (she absolutely does not want a job). She has offered to make her own car payment, but has made it clear that she is going to purchase a $500 wallet because she needs a new wallet. She had a job recently and the money went to 'things', but not our debt.

*She has been talking to a guy on her cellphone through text. I came home early a few days ago and caught her on the phone with him. I dont know if they have met in person or not lately. I was real angry, she said that I have nothing to worry about. At that moment she said we should forget the past and start over. So, she wants that forgotten about. Of course.

*Her friends come first. She was even texting during our Valentines dinner and was on the phone the whole way home
after our Valentines dinner. We went on the 13th to avoid the crowd. Then, on the 14th (V day), she stayed out drinking with her friends until 11 or 12pm. She said it was my fault because I have made her depressed.

I have been putting up with some BS, but I want us to find our compatibility. She has finally stated that she is willing to talk to a marriage counselor with me. That much is good news.

I asked her last night what I could possibly do to help her with this depression thing, she said for me to Google it. And that it's my fault. So..this is probably a beating to read through, but I believe that marriage should last, so I will fight until there is no light left in the tunnel.

I guess maybe I want some tips on how to handle some of these things.
Thank you
 

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Are you sure she is actually in a clinical depression? Or is she using the idea of a depression to get her way on things.

You should not put up with the things going on in your marriage. Her being ashamed of your daughter is unacceptable. I would leave a person over that. It’s your job to protect your child.

You need to set boundaries and let her know what they are. If she does not respect them then it’s reasonable to end this marriage.
 

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Um. She doesn't sound depressed. She might be having an affair though. Having v day with you to avoid the crowds but going out and facing the crowds just fine with friends is a big red flag
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
EleGirl & Shaggy-
Im not sure if it is clinical depression. I told her some things last night and she cried, loud for 20-30 minutes. It seemed like it would never end. If she's not clinically depressed then she is definitely sad.

It was my idea to have V Day on the 13th, I hate the V Day crowds...but, I couldn't believe that on the 14th, she went out with friends, came home late (and drunk) and we had the worst argument ever. And it's all my fault.

She has finally agreed to counseling, and I found an affordable counselor. Problem now is that we have to wait 2 weeks because of her plans. I don't know if we have the strength to wait 2 weeks really.

Sometimes I wonder if I am fighting the good fight or if it's all destined for doom.
 

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My dad's new wife (when I ws just 18) was the same.

It came to blows and I didn't talk to him for 8 years because he WOULD NOT stand up for me. Eff tht shet. Find your balls, man.

My dad died 2 years ago. We never got a chance to work things out.

His wife apologized to me at his funeral. But whatever. She's a wh-re. A jealous, horrible piece of shet who shunned a CHILD because it was "her culture" too. Eff that.

Find your balls and tell your wife that YOUR CHILD matters...if she doesn't like it, she can leave.

Don't eff up your daughter like my dad effed up my whole perception of self and never being good enough for anyone.
 

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What I face:

*She is ashamed of my daughter, she does not let her friends know that I have a 16 yr old child. If the friends come to visit, she takes down the pictures of my daughter so they don't see. Also, I cannot be friends with her friends on Facebook because they might see that I have a daughter. (She says that this is because of her culture)
Stop allowing this immediately.
To the point that YOU mention your daughter in front of her friends if she insists on continuing this charade.

*When I get my daughter (alternating weekends) my wife leaves and stays the night at her parents house. I think this hurts my daughters feelings.
Why are you married to a woman who would do this?

*We are accumulating debt, she has finally said that she will get a job. (she absolutely does not want a job). She has offered to make her own car payment, but has made it clear that she is going to purchase a $500 wallet because she needs a new wallet. She had a job recently and the money went to 'things', but not our debt.
You need to put a stop to this.
She gets a job and stops blowing money on crap.
A $500.00 wallet?
I`ve never even imagined a $500.00 wallet.

*She has been talking to a guy on her cellphone through text. I came home early a few days ago and caught her on the phone with him. I dont know if they have met in person or not lately. I was real angry, she said that I have nothing to worry about. At that moment she said we should forget the past and start over. So, she wants that forgotten about. Of course.
Are you tracking her text messages, e-mail, and other forms of communication?
If you aren`t you'd beter start quickly.

*Her friends come first. She was even texting during our Valentines dinner and was on the phone the whole way home
after our Valentines dinner. We went on the 13th to avoid the crowd. Then, on the 14th (V day), she stayed out drinking with her friends until 11 or 12pm. She said it was my fault because I have made her depressed.
And what did you say to her blaming you for her inconsiderate acts?
Do you allow her to keep you as the scapegoat?

I have been putting up with some BS, but I want us to find our compatibility. She has finally stated that she is willing to talk to a marriage counselor with me. That much is good news.
If what you say is true she isn`t going to like the MC as he'll point out the inequities in your marriage

I asked her last night what I could possibly do to help her with this depression thing, she said for me to Google it. And that it's my fault. So..this is probably a beating to read through, but I believe that marriage should last, so I will fight until there is no light left in the tunnel.
Not very forthcoming is she?

I guess maybe I want some tips on how to handle some of these things.
Thank you
Start by stiffening your backbone and refuse to accept this crap.
She'll either gain respect for you and your problems will fix themselves or it'll destroy your marriage.
 

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I just caught this...

"Then, on the 14th (V day), she stayed out drinking with her friends until 11 or 12pm. "
My friend you've got problems.

Start snooping on what she's doing and with who because this added to your discovery of the OM text messages spells affair.


I couldn't believe that on the 14th, she went out with friends, came home late (and drunk) and we had the worst argument ever. And it's all my fault.
Affair for sure.
 
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Sometimes I wonder if I am fighting the good fight or if it's all destined for doom.
Your wife does sound like:

Immature and selfish = she makes money to buy her own "things" but not helping household expenses AT ALL..

Self-centred = lack of empathy towards your child

Plus, possible casual affair behind your back
she goes out with "friends" to get drunk..= inconsiderate and teenage behaviour

These things suggest that she's really not a good wife material. She sounds more like a spoilt child..

Have you seen any posts/threads by a poster called, "Argyle" on here? If my memory serves me correctly, he is struggling with his Korean Wife.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks all. All has been read. I cannot monitor the cellphone because it is all in the Korean language. It's hopefully going to get better. I will look for this Argyle person.
 

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Your dealing with all of this after only 6 months of marriage.
She is a spoiled little girl who has always had her way.

Spends that much on a wallet.Is embarrassed that you have a daughter.I imagine she knew this before she married you.
She dosen't work, while you have many bills to pay.I'm sorry,a marriage with real love has both spouses trying to improve it.

Most marriages start off great and go down hill over time,but it seems your is already there.Sorry,I just see
you eventually will start to resent your wife if she dosen't change soon.
 

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...much of your wife's behavior is quite reminiscent of being a selfish, spoiled, narcissistic child. To be fair, those traits are not that unusual in Korean culture...neither are aggression, jealousy, paranoia, conformism, and slavish adherence to social status. Bear in mind that, even though being Korean can look a lot like horrible mental illness, the two are not mutually exclusive.

1. Regarding your daughter, well, avoiding shame is ingrained in Korean culture - and her friends probably would look down on her if they knew you had a daughter.* That said, there's no reason to accept anyone treating your daughter poorly. Yes - it will be hard for her - but I'd give her the choice between being a kindly yet distant stepmother and a divorcee. Heck, I'm not kind, I'd probably Facebook pictures of my daughter so she wouldn't have to worry about her friends finding out any more. It may be reasonable to insist on her treating your daughter well when she's around but not insisting on her admitting she exists to her friends or family.

2. ...she may also be having an affair. Some of her behavior doesn't sound trustworthy. I would say, however, that my Korean wife puts much less priority into Valentine's day than a typical American (referring to it as an 'id*ic Hallmark holiday.') Jealousy is a reasonable response and unlikely to make matters worse.

3. ...Koreans are argumentative. Even the sane ones. So, you are probably best off confronting her even though it erupts into an argument. Standing your ground is a pain, but may be helpful - just figure out what your limits are in advance...because she may not have any limits at all. Her behavior will probably improve marginally if you consistently stand up to her. The most effective method I've found for dealing with escalation is to tell her that she's wrong, acting crazy, that you won't spend another second dealing with her, and leaving her for at least 4 hours. Bear in mind that casual violence is fairly acceptable in Korea - as my wife has lectured me repeatedly on the proper ways to hit a women. (basically, don't break bones...:(...) You'll probably have to set limits on casual slaps and thrown crockery.

5. Regarding her depression, America is very lonely for my wife, so this isn't surprising. Depending on where you live, it may be possible to incorporate bits of home into your life. Bathhouses, in particular, as a big part of my wife's life. Socialization can be hard - some Koreans are extremely status conscious and paranoid, which results in difficulty dealing with American racism. Korean meetups are not uncommon and may be helpful.

--Argyle
*There are degrees. If she married a non-Korean, the Korean term for her apparently translates as 'soldier's wh*re', which is why we didn't have a wedding in Korea - but my wife's parents aren't that upset and I've met some of her friends. However, there's also strong racism in Korean culture, so it is probably not realistic to expect her to accept your daughter unless she is either Caucasian, Korean, or Chinese. Given that that should be a dealbreaker, you may be looking at divorce.
 

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obituary why are you with her?? i had a 3 year old son when i remarried 6 years later he is the love of my wifes life. she cant have kids and she loves him like her own. if my wife pulled half the crap with my son that yours does with your D i would kick her to the curb
 

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obituary why are you with her?? ...
:lol: Too funny! :rofl:

But not funny about your situation. :iagree: with what everyone said about not acknowledging or respecting your daughter. That's a deal breaker. Is there still time to get an annulment? :confused: What's to love about a brat like that? :( Or what is it that you are not telling us about what you've done to sour the relationship? Sorry :eek: It takes two.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I dont think its funny. We are still new and all this drama is still new to me. Ive never had to deal with this. And im fighting to make my marriage right.
 

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@coffee
Possibly. Albeit, there's some truth to these stereotypes. If you ever want to read something scary, look into domestic violence statistics in Korea. The frequency isn't that high, but the degree of injury is fairly extreme...or just realize that common names for women include...'no more boys' and 'next to a boy'.

...and I do believe that English speakers do tend to overdiagnose BPD in Koreans. Screaming fits, rages, and storming off demanding divorce are relatively more common - relative to the 'cold zombies' on the other side of the waters.

I should probably add that the Korean's I've met tend to be more loyal and kinder than Americans - particularly to those in need. (They tend to see the average American as an inhuman monster who leaves his/her fellow men to die in the street.) They aren't precisely wrong.

--Argyle
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Argyle- I value alot of what you say, but you end it with 'racism must be strong in my culture'? No, its not or I wouldnt have married her in the first place.

Im going to put my foot down about my daughter, but everything is new and I want us to have all the discussion and counseling we need as we go through it.

Shes argumentative at the right moments, but if I ever hit her that would end it immediately. She is from a high class in Korea, not the slums.

America is lonely for her in some ways. She doesn't want to hang out with my friends, she feels that her english suck even though I think it doesn't. Shes just self concious about it. I do not disagree with anything that you nor anyone on this thread said about the llack of relationship with my daughter. Its BS and I will be addressing it direct.

We are 6 months into this and still figuring things out. I think she is wrong so far, and this thread has been helpful- but anyone declaring that it should end should think about what marriage is. If you have to go through hell after 6 months, if you have to go through hell after 10 years, you should still fight for your marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Argyle- not interested in talking with you anymore. You can post here because I am new and I dont know how to block you yet (if there is a way). You may have some good insight on the Korean culture but you're an *******. That's why you're here. If you can refrain, go elsewhere to insult people. I am here for help.
Thank you.
 

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I dont think its funny. We are still new and all this drama is still new to me. Ive never had to deal with this. And im fighting to make my marriage right.
Orbitary... what was funny is that the poster called you Obituary. It struck me as funny anyways, sorry if you don't find it funny. :eek:

Of course, nothing is funny about your situation, as I stated. {hugs}
 

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Im going to put my foot down about my daughter, but everything is new and I want us to have all the discussion and counseling we need as we go through it.

...

I do not disagree with anything that you nor anyone on this thread said about the llack of relationship with my daughter. Its BS and I will be addressing it direct.
Very happy for you that you've come to this realization. ;)

Shes argumentative at the right moments, but if I ever hit her that would end it immediately. She is from a high class in Korea, not the slums.
There is never a reason to hit anyone. Even if they do this in Korea, doesn't make it right. :(

Ive never had to deal with this. And im fighting to make my marriage right.
It's good to not give up on your marriage if you address it from the point of what you are doing to contribute to a broken marriage. You can't change her. Only she can change herself if she responds lovingly and positively to the changes you make about yourself.

Orbitary, you still haven't told us what you have done to possibly contribute to her depressed state? You seem to put the blame on her completely, even if as you say you are fighting to make your marriage right. Red flags go up for me when I see a laundry list of what the spouse has done wrong and no acknowledgement of the OP faults. Please be honest with us so those reading your story can help you, and consequently your marriage, since that's what you want. :confused:

Argyle- not interested in talking with you anymore. You can post here because I am new and I dont know how to block you yet (if there is a way). You may have some good insight on the Korean culture but you're an *******. That's why you're here. If you can refrain, go elsewhere to insult people. I am here for help.
Thank you.
What did Argyle say that set you off? One post you are saying you value what he has to say and then the next you are chastising him. I don't get it. :scratchhead:
 

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Her blaming you is an excuse to justify her wrong doings.

I also bet she's having an affair. The red flags are certainly there and plenty of them.

Your wife has zero respect for you. She's using you as a doormat.:(
 
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