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What Happens To Sex After Marriage ?

  • Did you and your SO talk about sexual expectations before marriage ?

    Votes: 4 11.4%
  • Did the sex improve after marriage?

    Votes: 15 42.9%
  • Did the sex get worse after marriage ?

    Votes: 13 37.1%
  • If it ot worse, do you believe there's any chance of it improving?

    Votes: 3 8.6%
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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I have been reading quite a few stories on TAM where a couple had good or great sex before marriage and suddenly , sometimes a few years into marriage,it suddenly gets horrible,

It seems all sorts of things " suddenly " happens.

One partner is no longer willing to perform certain sexual acts they did before marriage.

One partner turns to porn to whilst neglecting the sexual needs of their spouse .

One partner thinks the sex has become like a chore,monotonous, boring and is no longer interested.

One partner gradually becomes disinterested, often claiming to be " LD", or a host of other excuses.

Ultimately, the sex frequency fizzles and the sex itself becomes extinct, causing tremendous emotional pain to the deprived partner.

My feeling is that sex in a marriage is comparable to a lubricant in a high performance engine. If the lubricant is not viscous or
" fluid" enough , the result would be engine seizure and it would FAIL , no matter how modern and costly its design.
It can no longer perform the function for which it was designed.

My question is,
How does something that was so easily available and enjoyable before marriage suddenly turn into a
* scarce commodity *, to be negotiated on all sorts of terms and conditions after marriage?

This has never happened in our marriage , but I cannot say that it will never happen in the future. I am still young , and quite willing to learn from those who have had more experience in life than me.
" A wise man learns by the mistakes of others.."

The purpose of this thread is to get the answers.

Feel free to post your experiences regarding the subject matter,
Whether they are good , needs improvement , not so good or terrible.

Looking forward to your contribution!
 

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I will be married for 30 years come this spring. Sex has always been important, present, and hasn't waned much over the years. My H seems candid when he describes our sex life as 'great.' It does, indeed, become more routine as you get older, but there are many reasons for that & it doesn't have to mean that it's somehow worse. I would not want a marriage with little or no satisfying sex. Marriage is difficult enough.
 

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One partner is no longer willing to perform certain sexual acts they did before marriage.
While I'm not going to get on a religious high horse, I can say - this might be the danger in "setting the bar too high" when you are dating and doing too much too soon. If, for example, you are willing to do things you might not really be that into because you really want to impress your partner when you are dating, you are setting an expectation that you will continue to do those things.

It also might leave less to discover/enjoy after marriage if you've already "done it all." And hence the debates about porn and toys because things are "boring" because when you dated you already burned through the entire Kama Sutra.

If you come to the realization that you don't really enjoy them, then people will say you falsely advertised and were a "bait and switch." Which assumes that it was a vindictive act meant to "entrap you" - which, I'm not sure that kind of thing is always conscious.

I've just thought this reading some of the other threads that refer to that.
 

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Your poll should allow for multiple answers....

YES ---Did you and your SO talk about sexual expectations before marriage ?

Very good for the first 5 years - Did the sex improve after marriage?

None in years 1-12 - his choice -- Did the sex get worse after marriage ?

NOPE.. he refused to do anything to get back on track - If it ot worse, do you believe there's any chance of it improving?
 

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My first marriage lasted 12 yrs, iwas 23 with not a lot of sexual experience. Sex during dating and engagement was frequent and good.
Married a short while and my enjoyment went to new levels as I learnt more about myself and him.
I always had a high drive and this was wonderful. I wanted it everyday. And felt he did to.
It suddenly dropped to once a week, then once a fortnight, a month and sometimes a few months would go by.

I was beside myself, was initiating and constantly being rejected. Felt humiliated and my esteem took a terrible blow.
This went on for eight years then we decided to have kids. With babies and toddler happening he decides he wants regular sex.
It puzzled me. He was fit, healthy no ED, just said he was tired. There was no porn or cheating, his nature was to withhold from me things I liked and it seems he did that with sex.
Looking back now and knowing he had a similar dynamic in his next marriage which also failed. I think maybe he resented women and disliked meeting their needs.
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I didn't get sex on my honeymoon night.:(

My wife didn't pick me for sex, she picked me because I was an awesome play partner and good role model for her 8 year old son.
I was always hoping to get sex, but rarely got it while dating. I was dumb and thought it would increase with marriage, even though we've all been told not to eat the wedding cake.
I must have ate a hellacious piece. :confused:
I can't say I have ever had a happy sex life...but I am working on it. Just this week alone I got it 3 times.:D
Running the MAP has certainly stepped it up a notch. I hope this isn't just a phase.
 

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Gets worse and less frequent because she now has you "married" and no longer has to try to get you. And when kids comes along, she gets bigger, less sex and that's it folks..........and then you "the man" has to change and love her for her.
 

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The quality of sex after marriage is contingent on the ongoing quality of the marriage. For couples committed to growth and intimacy, sex can keep improving. For couples who take each other for granted, and do not prioritize their relationship, sex will decline.
Sex is simply another type of communication in a relationship and cannot be neglected, but at the same time has to part of overall intimacy.
David Olsen, PHD, LMFT (The Couples Survival Workbook)
 

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Sex should increase in frequency (assuming you didn't live together) and expand your repertoire because of time, trust and love.

Things slow down due to distractions in life and children (most women can't for 6 weeks after birth anyway) and exhaustion, but there should be an ebb and flow - it should return to previous levels as life allows.

But too often we take for granted the very things we love most in each other, forget the need to set aside quality time, learn each others needs, etc.

I find most people aren't emotionally prepared to be a good partner.
 

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I'm not sure about that but all i know is that sex will surely gets worse with kids in sight thus couples needs to be creative to make time for some "adult' fun!
Uhhh I beg to differ. The only thing that declined our sex life at all was when he started battling psychological disorders and the side effects of the drugs the doctors put him on for those disorders. Otherwise, there was NO change in our sex life after the kids were born.
 

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When we first started out we didn't talk about sex or what our sex life would consist of. We talked about...well I used to think we talked about everything, but thinking about it we didn't talk about much.

Maybe kids and religion, parents. Can't remember back almost 20 years clearly.


But....after we co-habatited we had oral for both, piv, some anal, 69, his foot fetish was always right there up front in the begginings. We still do all those things. We have 4 kids. One will be 17 in a few months. The others just turned 9.

We've had our ups and downs, resentments, silent treatments, good days bad days, great years, horrible years.

We have our patterns for sex, but it's nice to be with someone who knows you are going left for a playful bite, and don't catch a elbow to the temple, or a knee in the nuts. It's a comfort when spooning to know how the other person feels against you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
When we first started out we didn't talk about sex or what our sex life would consist of. We talked about...well I used to think we talked about everything, but thinking about it we didn't talk about much.

Maybe kids and religion, parents. Can't remember back almost 20 years clearly.


But....after we co-habatited we had oral for both, piv, some anal, 69, his foot fetish was always right there up front in the begginings. We still do all those things. We have 4 kids. One will be 17 in a few months. The others just turned 9.

We've had our ups and downs, resentments, silent treatments, good days bad days, great years, horrible years.

We have our patterns for sex, but it's nice to be with someone who knows you are going left for a playful bite, and don't catch a elbow to the temple, or a knee in the nuts. It's a comfort when spooning to know how the other person feels against you.
So you're saying that even though you all didn't specifically talk about it before, after 20 years [ ? ] you guys developed a particular rhythm and you are still, very much, enjoying it.

Am I correct?
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Your poll should allow for multiple answers....

YES ---Did you and your SO talk about sexual expectations before marriage ?

Very good for the first 5 years - Did the sex improve after marriage?

None in years 1-12 - his choice -- Did the sex get worse after marriage ?

NOPE.. he refused to do anything to get back on track - If it ot worse, do you believe there's any chance of it improving?
Thanks Ele,
This is the first time I'm running a poll and based on the format , the options are limited.

But I realize you got the gist of what I'm asking based on your answers.

One quick question for you.
What would you say caused the breakdown in your particular situation?
Why do you think he refused to do the necessary work to get it back on track? [ I'm assuming that you were willing?]
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
While I'm not going to get on a religious high horse, I can say - this might be the danger in "setting the bar too high" when you are dating and doing too much too soon. If, for example, you are willing to do things you might not really be that into because you really want to impress your partner when you are dating, you are setting an expectation that you will continue to do those things.

It also might leave less to discover/enjoy after marriage if you've already "done it all." And hence the debates about porn and toys because things are "boring" because when you dated you already burned through the entire Kama Sutra.

If you come to the realization that you don't really enjoy them, then people will say you falsely advertised and were a "bait and switch." Which assumes that it was a vindictive act meant to "entrap you" - which, I'm not sure that kind of thing is always conscious.

I've just thought this reading some of the other threads that refer to that.
I understand your point of view, but the question still remains why?
Because if I love this girl and whilst we were dating we
" burned through the entire Kama Sutra ", does that automatically mean that after marriage we would get bored in bed?
Shouldn't the love and passion still be there, so that even though we did all that stuff, what's important is that we did it with each other ,and that's what makes it exciting,
Everytime.
Even after marriage.

What do you think?
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
It does, indeed, become more routine as you get older, but there are many reasons for that & it doesn't have to mean that it's somehow worse. .
:iagree:
My point exactly!
 
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