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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
People on here have so incredibly helpful. We have also found a personal support group. H went into inpatient today. The folks I have trusted and listened to keep telling me I have to learn to take care of myself. I thought oh ok. But selfishly I felt like the intake process was a giant slap in my face. Yes this is about H. But to be a whiney ninny nobody gave a crap about me. They gave me no information on visiting hour or how to get his clothes and all to him. They took his phone and wedding ring and told me they would give them to me but they didn't. I ran out to buy him some overnight necessities and came back to pay the initial bill. They have never given him the items I brought (we did get a 5 minute phone call) and after waiting for an hour the financial lady never even bothered to come out and take our money for the initial pay. I have no idea how much this costs and I am tring to plan. Do I have to sell one of our two vehicles? Do I need a second mortgage? I'm not trying to be overdramatic I have no idea what we are looking at.

And they all say take care of myself. What does that mean? Work out, eat veggies? I am not being sarcastic. I just don't know. I have a personal initial therapy appt set up outside of this and then I am going to try al anon later that day. Is this what I am supposed to do?
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You are supposed to take care of your self.

That means go to your appointment, go to Al Anon, eat more veggies, get good sleep. Get social life.

IT might mean hanging around here on TAM for a few days while you work out the details of how to take care of yourself.

How long will he be there?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
You are supposed to take care of your self.

That means go to your appointment, go to Al Anon, eat more veggies, get good sleep. Get social life.

IT might mean hanging around here on TAM for a few days while you work out the details of how to take care of yourself.

How long will he be there?
At least 7 to 10 days at a minmum. That surprised me. My support person had told me 5. The therapist I am going to see said she was relieved because they normally discharge after three days. I am going to be honest and whiny. This freakin sucks. I know he has to go what he has to go through but they won't help me at all. They won't even give me his phone or wedding ring because they are too busy. He is worried about the ring because for him it is his grounding point. I am worried about the phone because when his family or future employer or unit call him they are going to get blown off. I want to be able to take that worry off of him.
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OP

STOP. BREATHE.

Stop letting his addictions continue to run your life.

STOP. BREATHE.

It's 'one day at a time' for you as much as it is for him.
 

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Just know he is in a safe place right now. They WILL take good care of him. I know! I've been there!

As much as you can right now, focus your energy on yourself. Look at YOU and evaluate where you are and what you want for you. Attend the meetings you have scheduled. As was said above, one day at a time.

This is a time where you are totally free to work on you.

We are here for you.....
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you all!!! I am a superfreak who can't actually feel comfortable talking. But I feel ok typing. Today I brought his things to him and paid the bill. I didn't expect updates on his status but when they say they are only looking out for him they meant it. I feel really bad about how they treated me and it took almost 3 hours to drop off a duffle and pay the bill. They looked at me like I had been pouring booze down his throat and talked to me like I was trying to get money from them. Now one of us only has a job now and I don't think my boss caan be too happy that I took 5 hours (including transit) off. How do I take care of me when the facility is so inconsiderate, their visitng hours are at ridiculous times, and they will only let H talk to me 2 minutes a day? This is petty- but I also have doggies to take care of, and no local support structure. I know I am whining again. I am sitting here by myself scared and sick so please forgive me.
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The inpatient facility has treated you poorly. However, their treatment of you should not be a huge obstacle to you doing for you. Elegirl gave you a lot of suggestions for you helping yourself.

The inpatient facilities that I have seen do not need a lot of involvement from outside people.

Here is what I see. You cannot get too involved with his impatient treatment so what is your other choice? Your other choice is to do what you can to make you better. You should be thankful that he is in treatment and quit worrying about things that are not that super important. His treatment should be priority.

Your man has a serious addiction and that is what should be of upmost importance, you are whinny, scared, and sick but complaining about the treatment that the impatient facility has given you is not helping anyone and is not a huge crises.

Your husband needs the treatment more than he needs your involvement for 7 days. I can understand that you are scared but you need to get stronger and more independent. Your husband is going to need a very strong wife to help him with his problems that come from addiction. If you are going to be occupied with scared and whinny then your husband is going to need to stay in treatment longer.

My family member stayed in inpatient treatment for 75 days without being allowed to come outside and could have very limited visitors. Inpatient treatment for 7 days is not very long and most professionals recommend a minimum of 30 days.

The more that you improve yourself the more that you will be able to help your husband.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
The inpatient facility has treated you poorly. However, their treatment of you should not be a huge obstacle to you doing for you. Elegirl gave you a lot of suggestions for you helping yourself.

The inpatient facilities that I have seen do not need a lot of involvement from outside people.

Here is what I see. You cannot get too involved with his impatient treatment so what is your other choice? Your other choice is to do what you can to make you better. You should be thankful that he is in treatment and quit worrying about things that are not that super important. His treatment should be priority.

Your man has a serious addiction and that is what should be of upmost importance, you are whinny, scared, and sick but complaining about the treatment that the impatient facility has given you is not helping anyone and is not a huge crises.

Your husband needs the treatment more than he needs your involvement for 7 days. I can understand that you are scared but you need to get stronger and more independent. Your husband is going to need a very strong wife to help him with his problems that come from addiction. If you are going to be occupied with scared and whinny then your husband is going to need to stay in treatment longer.

My family member stayed in inpatient treatment for 75 days without being allowed to come outside and could have very limited visitors. Inpatient treatment for 7 days is not very long and most professionals recommend a minimum of 30 days.

The more that you improve yourself the more that you will be able to help your husband.
Totally hear you. I should let them walk all over me just like he has.

Did anyone stop to think that the person doing all of the helping needs help too. Did anyone ever think of that. The addictee won't always have a superhero to bring them in. The person trying to help them may have kids or animals that person has abused. The person bringing the addictee in may have a home or vehicles they have to sell for the cost or a job they are about to lose. They may be leaving the side of a dying loved one to bring underwear to that facility. They may be battling their own disease(like breast cancer not that I would say that because I wouldnt want be judged harsher). Is it too much to show some compassion since they or you have no, absolutely no, idea what they are going through in the waiting room?
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
By the way Mr. Blunt your comments didn't help one bit. if I may ask what inpatient treatment covered by insurance lasts 75 days. All my hopes and prayers to your daughter.
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OP,I've been a rehab inpatient twice and the shortest was 30 days.Are you sure that where your H is now isn't just detox? Maybe things work different there than here in Canada.
 

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NeedHelp, I understand that you are going throught hell right now. As I stated earlier, I have been inpatient myself with a 12 day stay. In my case, I was trying suicide. There were all types in ther though.

There were those coming off drinking and drugs. There were abused women and yes men. I was suffering depression.

While you are in there, they try to correct the effect. In your husband's case, that would be drinking. They also try to determine the cause. It could be many things. He could be depressed, and if so, what is causing the depression.

They limit contact to the outside world for his protection. Let's say only as an example, his trigger is you. At this point, the hospital doesn't know if it is or not. If they gave you a lot of access to him, then it could tear down whatever good they are doing. And yes, that could cause a much longer stay.
 

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It's going to be difficult, but let him deal with the inpatient program. Why do you need to deal with billing? He is the patient, he needs to help himself.

It does affect your life too. That part sucks. But continuing to try and keep things "under control" for your addict more often than not enables their addiction.

It sucks that the inpatient program isn't giving you any support. Find a good Alanon or CODA group in your area. There are folks that have probably delt with that facility, so they can help you process what's going on.
 

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They limit contact to the outside world for his protection. Let's say only as an example, his trigger is you. At this point, the hospital doesn't know if it is or not. If they gave you a lot of access to him, then it could tear down whatever good they are doing.
This is spot on. Their job is to help him only. They don't have a clue about what "sets him off" There have been some good suggestions here about you helping yourself and getting through this.

Best,

T
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
It's going to be difficult, but let him deal with the inpatient program. Why do you need to deal with billing? He is the patient, he needs to help himself.

It does affect your life too. That part sucks. But continuing to try and keep things "under control" for your addict more often than not enables their addiction.

It sucks that the inpatient program isn't giving you any support. Find a good Alanon or CODA group in your area. There are folks that have probably delt with that facility, so they can help you process what's going on.
I hear you and thank you. I just found out he will probably get out early- frankly I think he is manipulating the doc and social worker. I also got the impression they realize it too and may just be telling him he is out until we all meet in a few days.

Trust me I am NOT trying to interfere with whatever is going on there. My issue was being trated like crap when I was just trying to drop off his suitcase, pick up his wallet and wedding ring and phone, and pay his bill. I have never even called up there to interfere. Nothing. I am hands off until they called me today about a group therapy. I agreed to whatever they recommended at the time they had open.

I could give a crap at this point what people think but I am not interfering. I have to talk to them about billing because I HAD to sign off as the responsible paying individual. I am the one with the job. I am the one with the insurance. I am the one with the mortgage and car payment. I am the one paying his car insurance and cell phone bills because everything is my responsibility. As for triggers- maybe it is me. If so it must be an evil twin of mine because clearly (I just couldn't see it sooner because I believed in LOVE) clearly he had these "triggers" before he met me. Otherwise he could get his own freakin cell plan and job and insurance. Yes I am a moron. I live with that everyday and every night that I lay there awake wishing he was home. Them I find out he's out after 4 days and I know nothing will have changed.
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Quote of NeedHelpPlease

Yes this is about H.

They gave me no information on visiting hour or how to get his clothes and all to him. They took his phone and wedding ring and told me they would give them to me but they didn't

Do I have to sell one of our two vehicles? Do I need a second mortgage?

And they all say take care of myself. What does that mean?
How do I take care of me when the facility is so inconsiderate
You began by telling us in your first post that “Yes this is about H.”

Then you tell us about the inpatient facility that treated you badly
Then you ask us if you should sell your car or take a second mortgage
Then you ask “How do I take care of me when the facility is so inconsiderate”


I addressed your first post as you presented the issues. I suggested that you stop your worrying about the facility and their poor treatment of you. Then I addressed your question of “How do I take care of me”

As I stated in Eligirl gave you some good answers. I then suggested that you can choose to ignore the facility and concentrate on doing things to get better.

Because you stated that “Yes this is about H.” I concentrated on your husband and and you and stated

The more that you improve yourself the more that you will be able to help your husband.
With that answer I thought that you could both gain.

However, after reading some of your other posts I see that you also are concerned about other issues. You went from being concerned about your husband, then to wanting to know how you can take care of yourself, to your concerns about the financial problem, concerns about abused people, dying loved ones, and a serious health problem. This response post to me summarized your additional concerns that were not in your first post. You stated

Did anyone stop to think that the person doing all of the helping needs help too?
You changed it from how do I help myself to you needing help from others.

After your later posts I now see that you are carrying a heavy load. It appears that the inpatient facility’s poor treatment of you was an agitation that sparked the more serious issues of finances, death, and disease.

OK, now I see your situation more clearly. I want to offer you my empathy and apologize if I offended you. I have the name Mr. Blunt for a reason. I am not real good at polishing up my words; do not know how to be politically correct.

If there is anyway possible do not mortgage the house if there is going to be a chance that you will not pay and the home will be taken from you. In our state, and I think in most states, the creditors cannot take your only home for a medical bill.

I hope that you can get some assistance from some organization to help you with your husband’s inpatient bill. If not then the creditors are just going to have to take a payment plan that you can afford. Yes they can ruin your credit but they cannot take your home.

When your husband gets out he may have to face the fact that he will have to use the 12-step programs that are free for his addiction. Additionally there are some religious and non-profit organizations that have treatment for addicts that are free or very cheap. Some even have an impatient treatment. In any case you are carrying such a heavy load and can not afford to have your husband’s addiction bring you down to losing your job, and your emotional health. You are the one holding up your household and you are the most important for maintaining basic living essentials.

Your husband may have to let you concentrate on you keeping yourself together. If he does not then you need to refuse to do anything that will bring you down. You are the captain of the ship and he is in the sick bed. You must remain able to captain the ship.

I hope that there are some family members, friends, churches, or somebody in your city that can help you with your emotional strains. You are carrying a very heavy load and I hope that you get all the help you can get.

My niece was almost homeless and was mentally ill from long term drug use. One week after her mother fell over from heart attack, the police forcefully took her to the ER for evaluation and then she was involuntarily committed to a state addiction treatment facility. She was only on welfare and so the state paid for her 75 days inpatient treatment and the one year follow up. After getting out she has attended church for 8 years and graduated from a university with a 4 year degree in Electronic medical records. Her oldest son has his AA degree and will get his BA in a year and a half (2014). She has been gainfully employed for 5 years and will be applying to buy her a home next year.

My niece is a walking miracle as she was deemed mentally ill from dugs and received social security fir a few years and then she refused to take social security and went to work and got a college education. She really had a tough time as her children were taken away fro her but she got them back by doing nothing but taking care of herself and forgetting about everyone else until she got a lot better then she got her children back and is still going upward. She is a true inspiration to the whole family
 

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Things that trigger are not logical. So don't try to understand. He needs to do that. Just focus on being a happier you.

Only you can decide if there is enough good in your relationship to make it with working on. If it is, work on your needs and boundary setting. Be prepared to kick him out. If you don't prepare for that as a possibility, you will be sucked into his crazy making world. If you do, he will notice, then it becomes his
Choice to either work on himself and the relationship or damn the torpedoes and see if you are serious.
 

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Sounds like you are overwhelmed, stressed, totally alone and scared to death. Can't say I blame you. But you have to take a chill pill and and a deep breath. You sound like you are going to explode.

First, hospitals are notorious for being unfeeling and "corporate" in their treatment of patients and their family members. It's a "hurray up and wait" situation and they come off as unfeeling and insensitive. It's the nature of the beast.

That said, they have to determine what is wrong with and how to treat your husband. They don't know if he's suicidal or not. They don't know if he's depressed. They have to determine these things so they can treat him properly. They have to treat his drinking..in other words, detox him and get him off his addiction to alcohol. That alone is a very painful experience both mentally and physically,

If they are keeping your husband in the hospital for 7-10 days instead of 5 then be GLAD. I thought they let my husband out way too soon the first time he was in..and I think that's why he relapsed so soon. Yep, they got him detoxed and gave him some flim flam happy-pappy talk and sent him home with some pills and appointment to see someone a month later. A month later he was starting to drink again!

Do you really want him to come home after 5 days and be hitting the bottle again? Because this is a very REAL possibility!

Your husband has his stuff taken away because that is standard operation procedure in a hospital. It's how it's done. He is also deprived of all contact. That means no phone calls, very few visitors and visits are limited to a short period of time. They want to observe and treat him and give him the necessary time to heal and recover. It's a good situation, not a bad one. You need to stand back and give your husband time to recover and the doctors and therapists time to do their jobs.

What you need is some counseling and help and a support network. There are support groups you can talk to. Perhaps you need to contact your insurance company and see about getting support and therapy for yourself. Sounds like you could really use it.

When my husband was in rehab I was glad to have him there and relieved to get some breathing room. I could concentrate on work and getting things in order when he was gone. When they discharged him I was worried that they didn't keep him there long enough. Turns out I was right.

Another thing that saved me is that I've always been into my own hobbies and had a very active life. Working hard was therapeautic and I had the kids to take care of. I wasn't able to focus completely on my husband because there was so much going on in other facets of my life. I guess having to take charge of our business and take care of my kids was my therapy.

I think you need to figure out a way to decompress and relieve stress and get your mind off your husband. What's happening is that you've gotten so obsessive and wound up over him and his situation that you are in the endless loop of stress, worry and anger. You need to end that so that you can move on. You have a long, tough road ahead of you. This is just the beginning, not the end.

Only now, after 2 years, can I say that I've woken up from the long arduous nightmare that my husband and his drinking plunged me into.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
If they are keeping your husband in the hospital for 7-10 days instead of 5 then be GLAD. I thought they let my husband out way too soon the first time he was in..and I think that's why he relapsed so soon. Yep, they got him detoxed and gave him some flim flam happy-pappy talk and sent him home with some pills and appointment to see someone a month later. A month later he was starting to drink again!


Your entire post was so right on- but his paragraph hit home the most. First thanks to everyone who has tried to help me through this. I know it sounds crazy, but it is easier to get things out in a forum like this for me than with friends or family who will remember this and may judge us in years to come.

They did tell me 7 to 10 days, with 10 probably being the minimum. Well I learned my lesson in being careful what they asked for. He was out several days shy of 7 and at that time I was really wishing they would at least keep him until he could start outpatient. They didn't even give him the pills when he left- just prescriptions for drugs that almost no phamracy had on hand and it was the weekend so they couldn't get them. Then he found out he would have to wait a week and a half on his own for outpatient even though it was lined up to start in a day and a half. Luckily he has been strong- attending meetings and filling his time with healthy things. I just hope he can stay that way.

I am (almost) over feeling sorry for myself. I am trying to support him as much as I can. I don't know if our relationship will actually survive this, but we can deal with that once he has completed outpatient and hopefully has a job and is back on his feet. Until then, I will not bring up the possibility of "us" being over.

Thank you all!

.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I think I had an epiphany today. I keep wanting to make myself a victim. And I am not. I should have seen things how they were. I didn't. That is on me.
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