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Hello, all.

I've been with the girl in question for a little more than three years now. But I'm having such difficulty with the relationship I'm beginning to feel that ending it is my only option.

I was conscious of the Five Love Languages for a long time, although I had not read the book. I honestly feel I am pretty good at all of them. I tell her she's beautiful, how cute she is, how smart she is, and how much I love her. I give her gifts and surprises, from things I really can't afford to little gifts that say, "I'm thinking about you." I make time out of my schedule to see her whenever I can, and I like to make sure our activities are involving both of us, often in conversation, not just having the two of us in close proximity. I give her hugs and backrubs; I do whatever I can to make her feel good, in adult ways and non-adult ways. And I serve her often as well: I open the car door for her, I clean things for her, I make her bed since she hates doing it, etc. I'm no superman, but I confidently believe I show sufficient amounts of all five kinds of love.

However, she only rarely returns the favors. Her expressions of love are fleeting and far in between. I know she loves me, otherwise she wouldn't still be with me after this long (she told me so), but I really feel that she needs to show it!

I thought I should actually read Gary Chapman's book instead of just talk about the theme. One of the things he mentions is that each of us has a Love Tank, and if the people we care about aren't filling it up, we begin to feel lonely and neglected. This fits me to a T. I've told her this, but it doesn't seem to wake her up to the fact that she ignores me. She doesn't go out of her way to make time for me. She rarely expresses physical affection or says sweet things. She doesn't buy me things often, and when she does, it's like she's totally missing what I would want. She doesn't surprise me or plan dates for me like I do for her. She just doesn't express love in any way that I can see or understand.

Chapman's book has lots of examples of one spouse's top love language being different than the other spouse's top love language. But I haven't heard anything about what to do when I feel I'm doing a great job and she's just not!

I don't want to give up on her, or the time we've spent together. And to be honest, I'm pretty scared of getting back into the searching phase. Do you think there is a way to salvage this? To wake her up to the fact that I feel very neglected? To helpfully encourage change? Or should I be looking elsewhere?

Thanks so much,
Skye
 

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You have really brought up an interesting point. I hadn't thought about that. When I read the book it was too late for me to apply the principles to my marriage, but I was able to use the knowledge when dealing with employees, family, friends, etc. The results have been awesome. I now look at all relationships this way.

In theory with you applying all love languages, you should have "hit" on one or two that made her feel loved. She in turn should have felt lovingly towards you. Out of curiosity did she complete the test in the back of the book? How about you? What did that reveal?
 

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Over loving someone sends the message that you don't think you deserve them. It actually makes them love you LESS. Stop chasing her and kissing her ass and see what happens.

If she wants to hear ILY - let her say it to you and you can say it back. If she wants contact let HER touch you. Stop with the gifts.

How old are you?



Hello, all.

I've been with the girl in question for a little more than three years now. But I'm having such difficulty with the relationship I'm beginning to feel that ending it is my only option.

I was conscious of the Five Love Languages for a long time, although I had not read the book. I honestly feel I am pretty good at all of them. I tell her she's beautiful, how cute she is, how smart she is, and how much I love her. I give her gifts and surprises, from things I really can't afford to little gifts that say, "I'm thinking about you." I make time out of my schedule to see her whenever I can, and I like to make sure our activities are involving both of us, often in conversation, not just having the two of us in close proximity. I give her hugs and backrubs; I do whatever I can to make her feel good, in adult ways and non-adult ways. And I serve her often as well: I open the car door for her, I clean things for her, I make her bed since she hates doing it, etc. I'm no superman, but I confidently believe I show sufficient amounts of all five kinds of love.

However, she only rarely returns the favors. Her expressions of love are fleeting and far in between. I know she loves me, otherwise she wouldn't still be with me after this long (she told me so), but I really feel that she needs to show it!

I thought I should actually read Gary Chapman's book instead of just talk about the theme. One of the things he mentions is that each of us has a Love Tank, and if the people we care about aren't filling it up, we begin to feel lonely and neglected. This fits me to a T. I've told her this, but it doesn't seem to wake her up to the fact that she ignores me. She doesn't go out of her way to make time for me. She rarely expresses physical affection or says sweet things. She doesn't buy me things often, and when she does, it's like she's totally missing what I would want. She doesn't surprise me or plan dates for me like I do for her. She just doesn't express love in any way that I can see or understand.

Chapman's book has lots of examples of one spouse's top love language being different than the other spouse's top love language. But I haven't heard anything about what to do when I feel I'm doing a great job and she's just not!

I don't want to give up on her, or the time we've spent together. And to be honest, I'm pretty scared of getting back into the searching phase. Do you think there is a way to salvage this? To wake her up to the fact that I feel very neglected? To helpfully encourage change? Or should I be looking elsewhere?

Thanks so much,
Skye
 

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I think you should give this up and end it. She will likely not want to end it but more than anything, that will be a reaction, and anyone would react that way at the prospect of not being wanted anymore. After all, she does like your attention, your gifts, back rubs, etc. However, it would be best for you if you did end it simply because it is not a good idea to expect a person to be more than they are or are willing to give back.

You are dating this woman and what is worse, you have dated her for three years. That is at least one year longer (in my book) than you should have given the relationship. The reason I say is that 2 years (or less) is long enough to know if you want to be married to a person and if that person is right for you. That is what dating is for. The purpose is not to choose to force someone to be who you want them to be. It is not to spend the time trying to change them because if you did, she would only *behave* for a time and then turn right back into herself, and she would not appreciate your attempts anyway. So, why consider staying with a person who makes you feel neglected? Why stay in a relationship where you are unhappy? And why even consider marrying Miss Unhappy Neglect Smith?

You may not want to have go back to dating other people, but that is hardly reason to stay with someone, especially not someone who does not love you the way you need to be loved. As I alluded, MEM11363's suggestion might work but only for a time because it CANNOT work with someone who is not into you, if it works at all. Believe me, she'd find a way to show her love if she were so inclined, especially since you have brought your concerns to her attention. That she has ignored your requests is another reason to let her go. I think you are not getting her message.

With all that said, if you apply pressure on her to do things for you, to show her love for you, then she resents the pressure. I once briefly dated a guy who did a little something for me a couple times, then he actually began demanding that I do things for him in return. I don't live a tit for tat lifestyle, so boyfriend had to go.
 
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