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I am new to this forum, so I should briefly tell you about me. I am 49 year old male and will be celebrating 28 years of marriage this coming August. My wife is also 48, and we have 5 children, ages 26 to 15. (Two of which still live at home.)
I am retired from a big city police dept. after 22 years of service, and currently enjoy being a SAHD, restoring our 100+ yr. old home, and landscaping the large yard. My wife works as a nurse at a local hospital.
My problem and concern is one that has been growing for several years now, and I realize and want this to change.

My wife and I have not had sex in over two months, and she doesn't seem to care if we ever do. I understand that we are no longer in our 20's and full of hormonal lust for each other, but we aren't exactly getting around with walkers or canes yet either.

Yesterday, my wife, 17 year old daughter, and I were at the store looking at swimsuits for my daughter. My daughter was looking over the bikinis, and my wife said, "No, those aren't appropriate, they don't cover enough." Which caused me some pause. I didn't say anything until today, when I saw my wife watching, "The Evolution of the Bikini" video on the internet.
The internet video portrayal of the bikini was one of labeling the swimsuit as invented by a man to stimulate lustful, objectifying thoughts of women much like when a man thinks of using power tools.
I couldn't take it anymore, and voiced my disagreement with the video's conclusions.
I reminded my wife that she wore several bikinis when we were dating, and asked her if she thought that she was immoral for wearing them. She replied, "Yes, I probably was, but I was young and stupid too."
Now, this may not seem like a big deal, but this comes in a long string of other statements that have bothered and upset me.

We started dating back in the 80's and after a year of exclusive dating we lost our virginity to each other at the age of 19. We continued our serious relationship for 2 more years and got married at the age of 21. And trust me, we had more hot and heavy "porn-like" sex in those 2 years than even after getting married.
Needless to say, we were excited and eagerly anticipated getting married and not having to sneak our sexual encounters in my, or her parents homes. Finally, after moving out and getting married we could enjoy each other whenever, or wherever in our apartment we wanted.
Sadly, that didn't happen. After getting married, sex dropped to once or twice a week. Okay, I was a bit disappointed, but fine with it. Supporting oneself is a big step.

The years started rolling by, jobs, careers, homes came and went, our children were born, grew up and moved out.
If you charted our sexual activity over the last 20 years it would look like a stock market report. Some times it was high and climbing, other times it was low and infrequent. I think that's normal for most married couples.
However, I have noticed in conversations with my wife, that she regrets most of the things we did together when we were dating.
She now heavily regrets all the petting and sexual touching we did to each other before marriage.
She extremely regrets losing her virginity before we were married.
All of which I remember with great fondness and warmth thinking that she loved, and trusted me enough to share that physical part of her with me, and I with her. That was a part of her that attracted me. We were a perfect match sexually for each other, and she voiced the same to me at that time.

I hate it now when she starts the complaints about her past sexual regrets. It really hurts.
I might be able to understand it if she had lost her virginity to some jerk boyfriend, that abused her and left, but she married me and we have been married for nearly 28 years with 5 children.

Which brings us to the present. Now she is telling our daughter that when she was young she never wore a bikini or dressed in short-shorts, tank tops, or anything "immodest". Which is a bold-faced lie and very hypocritical.

Which brings me to my problem. I feel like my wife now regrets marrying me, could care less to have sex with me, and is trying to rewrite and erase our past because she now doesn't like who she was when she was younger.
She is now trying to mold our daughter into someone she thinks she should have been.
Her whole attitude about sex has completely changed from one of fun, playfulness and enjoyment with someone you love, to something shameful, dirty, disgusting and perverted.

What happened to us?
 

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Well, first of all, have you asked her that same question? If so, what did she say?

Is the 17 year old your only daughter?

Has your wife become more religious lately?

You haven't had sex for 2 months...did it just stop or has it been in decline for awhile?

When did you retire?
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We all have to justify everything we do (or don't do) to ourselves. Your wife isn't being sexual and hasn't for some time. She has to either believe she's being cruel to you or she has to find another reason to make her withholding seem right and logical to herself....Bingo...sex is suddenly immoral. She's at the age where female libido often takes a nosedive. It's perfectly normal. My wife does the same. When her libido is up, sex is ok. When her libido is down, anyone who has or mentions sex is a perv.
 

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That's really sad.

Sounds like some counseling is in order, so you and she can both say out loud what is behind these feelings. For her, why is she re-writing history, and for you, why you want to celebrate your history. Maybe talking these things out in front of a counselor together can help get to the bottom of it.

Oh and you can discuss the missing sex, too.

.
 

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I am addressing you and what you said here: "In relation to sex, when left unmanaged by a husband, a wife's thoughts go in very marriage harming directions."

You are apparently making a general statement here, and I am asking you to speak only for yourself and your own wife with that particular statement because it is not a true general statement.

PLUS....the fact that you would even imply that a husband can or should "manage" a woman's thoughts on sex is ridiculous and impossible.

.
 

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Batman4691, My husband and I are a few years older than you two, have been married for about a year longer with 5 children around the same age as yours.

I agree with unbelievable, your wife is at the age when she is going through hormonal imbalances and he is right about it affecting her brain and thinking. I went – going – through this and when my hormones are down, sex = yuck, I am getting much better and tried to cover it up, but the hormones are pretty powerful on their ability to control our thoughts.

As for the moral character she is trying to instill in her daughter, I think this is good. I have tried to teach all my children to be modest. The boys don’t run around without shirts on, the girls don’t wear tanks (without something over it), short-shorts, or bikinis. I think teaching kids to be more respectful of themselves and each other is something our society is sorely lacking. The difference is I don’t lie to them and tell them I never did that, I just don’t say anything, but if they ask I am honest. Your wife might have felt these teachings were lacking in her upbringing and since she has gotten older has come to appreciate them more and wants your daughter to be taught them.

Having said that, I do think that most of the things going on with her, being so regretful of her past, lack of interest in you, etc. is her hormones. See if she will go to the Dr. and get them checked. There are some better options on the market now, one being bio-identical hormones. There are several compounding pharmacy’s making them. If her Dr. in unfamiliar with them, just find a compounding pharmacy and the Pharmacist will be able to help her. When I first started going through the mid-life thing, I was much worse than your wife :banghead: it was really hard on myself and my husband and it took years to balance out again.
 

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I am addressing you and what you said here: "In relation to sex, when left unmanaged by a husband, a wife's thoughts go in very marriage harming directions."

You are apparently making a general statement here, and I am asking you to speak only for yourself and your own wife with that particular statement because it is not a true general statement.

PLUS....the fact that you would even imply that a husband can or should "manage" a woman's thoughts on sex is ridiculous and impossible.

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It is an accurate statement in marriages where a wife was sexual with her husband in the beginning and now thinks sex is wrong and dirty. Her thoughts went into a marriage harming direction. Her husband, throughout the marriage, is in a position to lead her to understand that sex in a marriage is a good, necessary, pure and wonderful thing. A man will fail at keeping his marriage functioning if he does not advocate for his sexual needs and keeping his wife thinking that sex is a good thing. No doubt, there is a small percentage of women who are so sexually driven that this is unnecessary.... But it's too complicated to constantly say "most, many, a large majority, a statistically significant population of, etc." in front of each and every post.

And, by letting a man know that he is not alone in his struggle inside his marraige, and that his wife's behavior and thought process is relatively common, I belive it gives more hope for him to see there is possibility to improve his marriage.
 

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Since it is so relatively common, how in the world do you propose that any man "manage" his wife's mind? Do you not see how ridiculous that sounds? Who would want to be married to someone who wants to "manage" their mind, man or woman?

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It is an accurate statement in marriages where a wife was sexual with her husband in the beginning and now thinks sex is wrong and dirty. Her thoughts went into a marriage harming direction. Her husband, throughout the marriage, is in a position to lead her to understand that sex in a marriage is a good, necessary, pure and wonderful thing. A man will fail at keeping his marriage functioning if he does not advocate for his sexual needs and keeping his wife thinking that sex is a good thing. No doubt, there is a small percentage of women who are so sexually driven that this is unnecessary.... But it's too complicated to constantly say "most, many, a large majority, a statistically significant population of, etc." in front of each and every post.

And, by letting a man know that he is not alone in his struggle inside his marraige, and that his wife's behavior and thought process is relatively common, I belive it gives more hope for him to see there is possibility to improve his marriage.
Actually, I agree with this - at least what I think he is trying to say. I think many women do have a very different view of sex than men, but the reasons are diversifide - religious, abuse, hormonal, and because of the basic difference between a man and womans thinking a man may unconsciously bring his wife to believe that she is just a tool for him to get off on, all he cares about is sex.

So, a man can have an impact on how a woman sees sex, either good or bad. In this case however, I do believe she needs to get her hormones checked.
 

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I don't disagree with the premise of wearing more modest clothes for teens or young adults; my daughters both have traffic-stopping looks thanks to a good blend of European and Asian genes, but I insist on some modesty.

The turning conservative part happens too. My wife did just that, from staunch Hillary supporter in 2008 to all Fox all the time. She probably has forgotten all the wild stuff we did in the 80s too.

The sex is a different story and could use a deeper analysis. But only that.
 

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If what you are saying is true, then the reverse should work for HD women who are married to LD men, right? The HD women should "manage" their husband's thoughts regarding sex, and somehow that will make him have more sex with her.

SURE.

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Just to comment on what the wife is saying to your 17 year old daughter. As a dad, I have no problem telling my girls that as long as you live under my roof - no bikinis. Take a step back and think about this for a second. Maybe your wife is doing it wrong by lying about what she actually did at her young age, but insisting that your under the legal age girl dress appropriately is not the problem IMHO. Instead of lying, I'd take the approach that "if you want to live here, you dress like an appropriate lady". When my girls go off to college, then they can dress how they want. They will anyways since I won't be around to see what they are up to when they are on campus. but when you come home - you dress more modestly.

You wife may be going through the hormonal changes of life for women. It's possible that she needs to get herself regulated in order to regain some of that sexual desire. IDK, I haven't experienced all of that yet.
 

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I don't like this whole "managing" spouses thing. But realistically I think that LD spouses have been quietly managing their HD spouse's expectations forever.
At the risk of a threadjack, I personally believe that the concept of LD is grossly overstated. I believe that there are legitimate cases of people having real LD. However, I think most situations are not true LD so much as one spouse loses attraction for the other and thus becomes LD.
 

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Do you think this is because your children are now at the same ages that she was when she was feeling sexually wild and cant bear the thought of them doing those same things?

I know it is hard when hour kids start hitting those milestones. Its one thing to lose your own virginity at 19 - its quite another to think of your daughter doing it.

My own children are old enough to be curious about my past - did I love anyone other than their dad, have I tried drugs, how old I was when I became a mother, etc. These are questions I have been asked recently.

Incidently that Evolution of the Swimsuit really rubbed me the wrong way. I thought I was the only one, though, because everyone on FB thinks its the best thing since sliced bread.
 

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If what you are saying is true, then the reverse should work for HD women who are married to LD men, right? The HD women should "manage" their husband's thoughts regarding sex, and somehow that will make him have more sex with her.

SURE.

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I have no clue what makes a man go non sexual with his wife. I doubt it is much like a woman going non sexual with her husband.

All feelings and attidudes in life are a choice made inside your own mind. And yes, people guide each other's thoughts in all sorts of ways.... Mabye I should have used the word "guide" instead of "manage"... Look at the example of the person who posted about his wife going from Hilary to Fox News... The people on Fox News guided her thoughts, feelings and beliefs into a different political philosophy.... Nothing wrong, sexist or sinnister. People who believe in something, talk about their beliefs in a compellling way, causing another person's thoughts and opinions to shift in that way.

A man can and should do this with his wife.

A woman (and men actually) can be raised to believe sex is wrong, bad, dirty etc....And once the wife has her husband, her kids and all the things that "sex" gives to her in life.... the social conditionining that sex is bad begins to dominate since there is nothing counteracting that (nothing inside the wife's mind giving her a reason for sex)... They need someone to counteract this condidtioning... Who else is supposed to do this? Her husband, has to be the one.

Is this 100% of wives or women ? No. But it's a common enough scenario in a sexless marriage. And, I think it's practical advice and choice of words to help the OP look at his situation in a different way then he has been for 28 years (yielding a result that he is not happy with).
 
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