I'm new to all this and more than anything I just need a place to vent. I've been married for 2 and a half years now and the sex is all but gone. Before we were married it was amazing! And practically nonstop. I'm no dummy -- I know that libido ebbs and flows, but it should never stop completely! My H spent more time getting wasted on our honeymoon than paying attention to me. I was begging for sex -- on our HONEYMOON! I felt rejected, hideous and alone -- and terrified about our future. Over the next year, he completely descended into alcoholism. It was terrible. After a horrifying night of coming home to him barely breathing, I convinced him that he did NOT have control of the situation and he entered into a rehab program.
That was 8 months ago. I foolishly thought that since his permanent whiskey d*** was gone our sex life would return (key word = foolishly). After dozens of fights and conversations and pleading and throwing myself at him, we were still no where in the sex department. My self esteem hit rock bottom. I became horribly depressed, gained almost 20 lbs and honestly wanted to crawl into a black hole and disappear. The sexlessness continued. He rarely told me "no" outright, just "later". Of course, "later" never came. If I collected on all the rain checks he's given me, I'd be set for life. I asked him to talk to his doctor about it, but he always made excuses about it being too awkward or he forgot or whatever other BS he came up with at the time. Then he started telling me he was depressed and didn't feel like it.
That's when I finally I decided that I wouldn't let myself blame me anymore. I kept saying "its not me, it's not me, it's not me." I started working out again and feeling better about me. My H seemed to notice and would give me compliments. But when I tried to act on them, it was the same old story. I suddenly realized it wasn't just our sex life that tanked, intimacy in general is almost nonexistent. When he kisses me it's like he's kissing a friend or something. It's barely more than a peck. It's pathetic. What happened to the man who couldn't keep his hands off me?
On the exceedingly rare occasion when we do have sex it's a shadow of what it used to be. He doesn't seem to know me at all. It's like he's forgotten what turns me on and what doesn't. His hands are all over the place but doing nothing. I haven't had an O from our sex in... dear Lord I can't even remember the last time. (how sad is that?!?) It's like he just doesn't care anymore. When we were dating, he always made sure I had O's. Lots of them. It was wonderful. It's like I married a completely different person.
Now that I started taking care of me and rebuilding my self esteem, I'm becoming burdened by guilt. I don't even try anymore and that makes me feel guilty for giving up on him. I find myself daydreaming and fantasizing about past lovers and the cute guy at work that casually flirts with me. Then I feel guilty for even thinking that I might, maybe, sort of, could possibly even be capable of cheating. Something I never thought I would ever be capable of doing -- ever! I confessed to him that this celibate lifestyle was taking its toll on me and told him about my feelings and that I felt ashamed for fantasizing about sleeping with someone else. All it got me was a 2 week fight. Literally we fought for 14 days straight. I almost left. That was a few months ago. Now as I write this, knowing that nothing has changed, fearing that it never will, I wonder if maybe I should have just let it end right then and there?
What if I wasted what was left of my twenties on a man that will never give me what I want or need?
This sucks.
That was 8 months ago. I foolishly thought that since his permanent whiskey d*** was gone our sex life would return (key word = foolishly). After dozens of fights and conversations and pleading and throwing myself at him, we were still no where in the sex department. My self esteem hit rock bottom. I became horribly depressed, gained almost 20 lbs and honestly wanted to crawl into a black hole and disappear. The sexlessness continued. He rarely told me "no" outright, just "later". Of course, "later" never came. If I collected on all the rain checks he's given me, I'd be set for life. I asked him to talk to his doctor about it, but he always made excuses about it being too awkward or he forgot or whatever other BS he came up with at the time. Then he started telling me he was depressed and didn't feel like it.
That's when I finally I decided that I wouldn't let myself blame me anymore. I kept saying "its not me, it's not me, it's not me." I started working out again and feeling better about me. My H seemed to notice and would give me compliments. But when I tried to act on them, it was the same old story. I suddenly realized it wasn't just our sex life that tanked, intimacy in general is almost nonexistent. When he kisses me it's like he's kissing a friend or something. It's barely more than a peck. It's pathetic. What happened to the man who couldn't keep his hands off me?
On the exceedingly rare occasion when we do have sex it's a shadow of what it used to be. He doesn't seem to know me at all. It's like he's forgotten what turns me on and what doesn't. His hands are all over the place but doing nothing. I haven't had an O from our sex in... dear Lord I can't even remember the last time. (how sad is that?!?) It's like he just doesn't care anymore. When we were dating, he always made sure I had O's. Lots of them. It was wonderful. It's like I married a completely different person.
Now that I started taking care of me and rebuilding my self esteem, I'm becoming burdened by guilt. I don't even try anymore and that makes me feel guilty for giving up on him. I find myself daydreaming and fantasizing about past lovers and the cute guy at work that casually flirts with me. Then I feel guilty for even thinking that I might, maybe, sort of, could possibly even be capable of cheating. Something I never thought I would ever be capable of doing -- ever! I confessed to him that this celibate lifestyle was taking its toll on me and told him about my feelings and that I felt ashamed for fantasizing about sleeping with someone else. All it got me was a 2 week fight. Literally we fought for 14 days straight. I almost left. That was a few months ago. Now as I write this, knowing that nothing has changed, fearing that it never will, I wonder if maybe I should have just let it end right then and there?
What if I wasted what was left of my twenties on a man that will never give me what I want or need?
This sucks.
