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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm new to all this and more than anything I just need a place to vent. I've been married for 2 and a half years now and the sex is all but gone. Before we were married it was amazing! And practically nonstop. I'm no dummy -- I know that libido ebbs and flows, but it should never stop completely! My H spent more time getting wasted on our honeymoon than paying attention to me. I was begging for sex -- on our HONEYMOON! I felt rejected, hideous and alone -- and terrified about our future. Over the next year, he completely descended into alcoholism. It was terrible. After a horrifying night of coming home to him barely breathing, I convinced him that he did NOT have control of the situation and he entered into a rehab program.

That was 8 months ago. I foolishly thought that since his permanent whiskey d*** was gone our sex life would return (key word = foolishly). After dozens of fights and conversations and pleading and throwing myself at him, we were still no where in the sex department. My self esteem hit rock bottom. I became horribly depressed, gained almost 20 lbs and honestly wanted to crawl into a black hole and disappear. The sexlessness continued. He rarely told me "no" outright, just "later". Of course, "later" never came. If I collected on all the rain checks he's given me, I'd be set for life. I asked him to talk to his doctor about it, but he always made excuses about it being too awkward or he forgot or whatever other BS he came up with at the time. Then he started telling me he was depressed and didn't feel like it.

That's when I finally I decided that I wouldn't let myself blame me anymore. I kept saying "its not me, it's not me, it's not me." I started working out again and feeling better about me. My H seemed to notice and would give me compliments. But when I tried to act on them, it was the same old story. I suddenly realized it wasn't just our sex life that tanked, intimacy in general is almost nonexistent. When he kisses me it's like he's kissing a friend or something. It's barely more than a peck. It's pathetic. What happened to the man who couldn't keep his hands off me?
On the exceedingly rare occasion when we do have sex it's a shadow of what it used to be. He doesn't seem to know me at all. It's like he's forgotten what turns me on and what doesn't. His hands are all over the place but doing nothing. I haven't had an O from our sex in... dear Lord I can't even remember the last time. (how sad is that?!?) It's like he just doesn't care anymore. When we were dating, he always made sure I had O's. Lots of them. It was wonderful. It's like I married a completely different person.

Now that I started taking care of me and rebuilding my self esteem, I'm becoming burdened by guilt. I don't even try anymore and that makes me feel guilty for giving up on him. I find myself daydreaming and fantasizing about past lovers and the cute guy at work that casually flirts with me. Then I feel guilty for even thinking that I might, maybe, sort of, could possibly even be capable of cheating. Something I never thought I would ever be capable of doing -- ever! I confessed to him that this celibate lifestyle was taking its toll on me and told him about my feelings and that I felt ashamed for fantasizing about sleeping with someone else. All it got me was a 2 week fight. Literally we fought for 14 days straight. I almost left. That was a few months ago. Now as I write this, knowing that nothing has changed, fearing that it never will, I wonder if maybe I should have just let it end right then and there?
What if I wasted what was left of my twenties on a man that will never give me what I want or need?
This sucks.
 

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If he won't get medical help for his problems (which may or may not be alcohol related), I would seriously think of ending the marriage, OP. Give him an ultimatum then leave it up to him.
 

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I feel horrible for you - I know that feeling of rejection and dismissal that makes you feel so repulsive, worthless and alone. Your main issue seems to be the alcoholism. It sounds like as he went in deep tats when alcohol began to take priority and it sounds like it didnt have far to go since he was wasted on your wedding night. So you married an alcoholic - it will be difficult to get past the fact that it is more powerful than you. I know the feeling of a substance getting more attention than you - eventually you will grow to hate the alcohol and feel powerless over it. At times you will be jealous of its ability to command his attention which will ky highlight how much less important you are to him over the drink. That is incredibly hard to handle. I think you have to ask yourself whether you are able to survive a relationship that had another threat always lurking nearby. It is a disease hat cannot be cured, only controlled. For some it takes many years to decide to stop - I mean to really stop and even then, the alcoholic is still an alcoholic. Since you are young you should educate yourself about the problem and do not delude yourself into thinking that one day he will no longer crave liquor. I am very sorry you are in this situation, you will probably ask yourself what did I do to deserve this - nothing. So sorry, been there and know the only thing that can help is if he decides to help himself first...
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I guess I should have clarified. He hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since he entered the recovery program. It's an intense program he gets tested at least twice a week for drugs and alcohol. Plus individual, couples and group therapy a few times a week. Also, 3 months ago he was diagnosed with bipolar (BP) disorder (thankfully the less severe kind). He's on meds which he takes faithfully. The rest of our marriage has drastically improved since he was diagnosed as BP. He actually helps around the house, is more aware of our financial limits, follows through on his promises, etc. All the stuff that used to make me feel completely insane has gotten better -- all except the sex. Now that he's medicated, he talks about sex and acts like he wants to. But then nothing ever happens. I still get pushed away because he's too tired or told maybe later. I'm doing my best to be patient and understanding, but this has been going on for over 2 years. When we talk about it, he acts like this has only been a problem since he sobered up. Thus, I'm being impatient and demanding when he simply has "too much on his plate" and he really is "trying his hardest." I'm so frustrated!
 

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My husband was never an alcoholic, but otherwise I'm in a similar position-- the sex is very very rare, and when it happens, I never reach orgasm. It doesn't feel like he's even trying-- that he just gets what he wants, cums, and it's over.

I don't have any advice for you, but sometimes it can help to know you're not alone out there.... I'm frustrated too. We deserve better.
 

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BP,

Your husband sees no need to fix a huge problem in our marriage. The very fact that he will not do this is reason enough to leave him. Sticking around in a marriage with no affection, no intimacy will eventually seriously damage you. You see what it's done to you so far. What do you think another 10-20 years of this will do?

You havem managed to make some positive changes in yourself. They will most likely not last they way things are going if you stay.

Take it from someone who stayed too long.. get out now while you have the self esteem and mental health to do it.
 

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hold on!!! have you tryed to do spontanious actions!!! like hand jobs in the middle of the day, oral while driving, does he have a cell phone, text him to the bedrrom and let him catch you busting one off with a toy??? I am a man in the same position-- you are, trying to deal with the similar issues!!!I think "BUT LIKE A MAN" this would drive me to HUMPATHON!!!!
 
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