I have no intention to do that. My H also seems to think he can just "decide" to come home. I know he is not ready to do any real work on the marriage, he is just desperate to figure something out.

 

CMF,
Who are you responding to?

 

sorry- that was to finallyseewhy

 

How are you doing tonight? Did my untrained advice help at all?

 

Yep, my H told me he was in 'primal mode' and just trying to survive. he tried to trigger me by saying he had no food and was only eating 1 meal a day....something he KNOWS would upset me. I know that tomorrow is going to be tough and that he is coming to the point where he is at no return. When he is all said and done paying for everything he barely has enough for food/gas. The sad thing is I guess paying child support, day care, and a very very expensive extended hotel he has nothing. He went from a very nice comfy lifestyle of being able to eat out when he wanted to, go to nice restaurants, spend weekends doing stuff, and really didnt have to worry about much.....and now he only has ramen noodles and hot dogs.

The thing we need to remember cmf is that THEY put themselves in this situation. It was a choice. I hate to say the balls in my court but ultimately I had to take away the power from him. If I didn't then he would continue to dangle it over my head.

 

I agree. I am just ignoring my H's statements about how bad off he is . He will have to make an effort and demonstrate some change. I can tell he is still "foggy" and desperate. I have to see him tomorrow for son's birthday.

 

Lately his thing to say to me is that he is going to have to get a 2nd job and then never see the kids. Then he starts to tear up. He just may have to get a 2nd job but I was not the one that left. He was NOT even willing to try therapy before he left because he thought that type of stuff never works...

cmf just try to focus on your son's birthday and not everything else it will be hard but just try to stay focused.

 

It's funny because now my H is acting how I did right after he left. I dont buy it and will not rescue him from the consequences of his own actions. I think that once he gets over the panic he will either truly make an effort or just keep making bad decisions.

 

So this is the time things get really messed up. Back to the power struggle. Who has the upper hand? What happened to Plan A? Am I misunderstanding. Now that he wants to let you meet some needs you deny him. You don't have to be the "doormat". But you have to give. Don't you love him? Why question his timing? Isn't this what you wanted? Who cares when it happened, it happened. Maybe check Marriage Builders and see what it costs for an hour of phone consult with Steve Harley. I hear he can work . You have an open window, Go through it. Don't pull down the screen.

 

I am feeling like he is only out of options and not sincere at all. I dont want to be used . I have let him know that I am open to it, but he could not keep blaming me for everything if he truly wanted to reconcile. I really just want to give it some time to see if he comes out of his affair "fog" anymore- I saw some glimpses of it last week. He is wanting immediate answers right now and I am not ready to give him any.

 

I am not saying he should come home NOW. Have you read "Getting Back Together". But don't throw Love Busters at him. Maybe he will tell you what he needs from you? Or answer one of the Questionnaires from Marriage Builders? Ready to pay a marriage counsellor rather than a lawyer? It is a rollercoaster! You knew this. You are smart and informed. Knowledge is power!

 

I am feeling like he is only out of options and not sincere at all. I dont want to be used . I have let him know that I am open to it, but he could not keep blaming me for everything if he truly wanted to reconcile. I really just want to give it some time to see if he comes out of his affair "fog" anymore- I saw some glimpses of it last week. He is wanting immediate answers right now and I am not ready to give him any.

Right now, you need a standard set of answers/replies prepared so that you don't get caught up in any mind games or 'tit for tat' play. You want open access to phone records, emails, passwords, etc., and he must write a 'no contact' letter to the other woman (that you read and mail) and break off all contact, forever. You need to work on the marriage, etc. Whenever he hints at wanting to be with you, ask him if he is prepared to do all of those things - if so you would be glad to consider his request. If not, end the conversation, change the subject, etc. Simply don't get caught up in it.

You are doing great!

 

He still lives with her. I dont see how he could go no contact. I really wasn't going to say anything about the transparency until he left that living situation. I figured he would just lie about it. I have this overwhelming need to know exactly what he has been doing sexually - how often- did he like it better- new positions- maybe there were others over the past several months- I don't know,it is driving me crazy and making me angry again.. I had thought I was past all this but now I want answers again, I know he is terrified to tell me anything ( for legal reasons). Right now I'm not saying much. He called me 3 times at work today for basically nothing ( I didn't answer 2 of them). I will see him at dinner tonight. I'm trying to think of a good response if he brings up working on the marriage- When you are no longer involved with OW we can discuss it???? I cant get past feeling that this is all so superficial on his part. Maybe that doesn't really matter right now and I should just see if he disentangles himself.

 

I think it is best to be a listener tonight. Hold your tongue and your temper. Stay calm. As AC says no tit for tat. Of course you want to work on the marriage. What does he propose?

 

Who?

 

He still lives with her. I dont see how he could go no contact. I really wasn't going to say anything about the transparency until he left that living situation.

I'm trying to think of a good response if he brings up working on the marriage-

I didn't make those suggestions as though they are something he can do in his current living situation. I gave them as a set of standard requests that you can have available ANY time he contacts you about the marriage: "Are you ready to 'x, y, and z'? No? Ok - goodbye..."

He can go 'no contact' by moving out. Regardless, however, my suggestions were things to say to him in case he wanted to work on the marriage. He does not as long as he lives with her. If he wants to work on the marriage, then he must: provide transparency, no contact, and a willingness to work on the marriage.

If he is not ready to do those things, then no work can be done together on the marriage.

 

Update: Just spent the last 3 hours together celebrating my son's birthday. Out to dinner, presents. No talk of anything other than celebrating my boy. It was a pleasant , happy 3 hours- almost like we all use to be when together. We laughed, talked about things we had done over the years. Made plans for the week-end together for a family outing. He was himself tonight- no evil twin. No irritability or anger or blaming. Of course this was just one evening and things could change tomorrow. No text messages or phone calls either while he was here. If it comes up I will tell him no work can be done until he moves and cuts OW out of his life completely. I think that is all I will tell him until it happens( or not).

 

thats awesome cmf I am really glad you had a good day!

 

So today..no evil twin again. Called me "babe" during a phone conversation- his term of endearment for me- haven't heard it in well over 8 months. Just sent text- "Had a great time last night. Hope we can do it again." I haven't replied and probably will not. We are doing something with the kids in the morning. He also paid the summer camp fee for next week. As he still is living with this woman nothing has changed.

 

cmf stay strong let and don't just 'bite' yet. I am not saying to not be nice or cold but don't settle for any less then you are worth. These little things are easily able to do without commiting (I speak from experience ) until he moves out from that womens house then he is in limbo.

 

It has taken me 6 weeks to start clearing the fog in my head. Affaircare reiterated for the 100th time that exposure is not about getting your spouse back. Now I think I understand that until the affair is over or heading down hill I don't stand a chance of getting my wife back. Hello! She is "in love" with someone else. I have to hope the relationship goes sour. Once they are defogged then real life sets in. In real life people have real life problems.
CMF, I would bet that is where your H is now. You are looking good. OW is looking bad. Start making those love bank deposits now. I bet he is turning away from her. Show him you love him. Be patient. Isn't this what you want?

 

...Once they are defogged then real life sets in. In real life people have real life problems.
CMF, I would bet that is where your H is now. You are looking good. OW is looking bad. Start making those love bank deposits now. I bet he is turning away from her. Show him you love him. Be patient. Isn't this what you want?

:allhail: QTF!! (Quoted for truth)

YES, iam...you hit the nail on the head and got it dead right! YAY! Good for you! Well written!

 

It is. I know he's only doing this because the legal situation is forcing him to face reality, not to mention the fact he is afraid I'm going to leave town with the children. I'm trying to let that go for now but it does bother me that he didn't want to try on his own. He did apologize about blowing up at me earlier this week. That is something. We will be spending most of the day together on Saturday with the kids and he is sleeping here tomorrow night( my son is having a sleep over with some friends for his b-day and wanted his Dad here too). A few weeks ago he wouldn't even set foot in our house. We'll see how it goes.

 

This is all okay. He is facing reality. He got the stick and didn't like it. Use the carrot. All of this gives me hope. Right now I bet Notreadytoquit would like to be in your shoes. I know I would. No extinguishers tomorrow. Can you show gratitude tomorrow. That is a tough one...but try. Love bank is open!

 

I can't even get him to stay at home most of the day. He is taking a parenting class today, all day. Maybe he will learn something who knows. I really don't know if there is hope in my case even though I like to stay positive. Right now I feel like I have no more feelings for him at all. Nothing!

And he keeps changing his mind on the parenting plan to basically suit his schedule not looking at mine. So I think the only thing I can do right now is let the lawyer do the work(I know it will cost) and focus on my future with the child. It's just so hard to do that focusing while sitting here in CT. My mom just left today, my MIL is coming tomorrow for a week. We'll see how that visit plays out and if he spends more time at home. My H did not even say Thank You to my mom for coming and helping with the child.

Last night I did not even hear when he got home and this am he left before we got up.

 

I know..I plan on continuing what I've been doing. My kids are thrilled to see him like this again, but I do not want them hurt . He seems to be trying. He actually wanted us all to go to a baseball game tonight but the kids were worn out. It has been a long time coming ( almost 8 months) and then it happened so quickly. It really wasn't until I stopped being so emotional / angry and really looked at myself and actually realized what I had done to contribute to all this that things started to change. He made a comment to me about 4 months ago that nothing had changed( when we were supposedly working things out) and he was done. He actually was right, although I hate to admit it . I started reading about marriage and infidelity about 6 weeks ago and found this forum about 3 weeks ago. It was only then that things really did change with me and he did notice almost immediately. Of course, he is still very tied up in his mess of an affair and things may backslide, but the advice here has not been wrong once ( even though I needed to be told 100 times before I listened sometimes). You are already focusing on yourself and learning all you can, you haven't wasted all the months that I did feeling angry and sorry for myself. Thanks for the words of encouragement .

 

Just remember that you don't make progress everyday. He will likely go back and forth. Two steps forward, one step back. Be expecting it and ignore it.