I agree I just posted over in my thread I don't know if you have seen it but I am just really confused at this point....

 

Saw him briefly last night and this morning. He was friendlier , did not mention anything from yesterday. Should I just drop it and not mention it again?

It's entirely possible that the lights are starting to come on - the fog is thinning, etc. As you become more healthy, he will see a stronger and more desirable person. So, this could be a very good sign that things might turn around.

On the other hand, it could very well be that he is seeing one of his options closing up - it is very satisfying to a guy's ego to have two or more women desiring him, and wanting him to be with them. He has one he sees as a 'main' (the mistress) - and a 'backup' (the wife). He suddenly sees that the backup is no longer available - and so he finds he must step up the game to keep you on the hook.

Regardless of which path he is one, your solution is the same: if he wants to get back to you, he has to understand that you are NOT one choice out of many - you are the ONLY choice - it is either you or no one. You are not the 'backup' - nor are you plan B, C, or D. etc. In fact, you aren't plan A, with the mistress as plan B. You are his wife, and he has sworn to forsake all others and honor his commitment to you.

Therefore: make it clear to him that he is oh so welcome back: as long as he takes certain steps to show you he is serious:

1) He writes a no-contact letter to the mistress, which you get to read and mail - he does not mail it - YOU DO.

2) He ends all contact with this other woman.

3) He gives you open access to all his email, phone, and IM programs, all his passwords, and logins. He becomes absolutely transparent with you. This measure shows you that he is willing to do anything moral to work on your marriage.

4) You seek marriage counseling together with a PRO-MARRIAGE counselor.

That is, if you want him back at all. Stay strong and focused on working on you and your growth.

 

He has not mentioned anything since yesterday, I told him to think about it, that is was not an impossible situation to work out. I don't even know if this will go anywhere. Also- I was pretty disappointed in the marriage counselor we had been seeing, she was already focusing on the "learn to be OK alone" and "learn to be civil for the children" phase from the beginning. Not sure how to find a Pro-marriage counselor. I would love for him ( if he ever comes around) to learn about emotional needs, love busters and love kindlers and the No Contact with OW philosophy. Coming from me it doesn't have the same impact.

 

I have to ask how to do find a PRO-MARRIAGE counselor I have heard so many stories so similar to yours cmf

 

cmf, this is all up to you. Please read Tanelornpete, post again. Then read the first the paragraph again. Then read it again. You have to stop being his doormat and become more confident. That is what your husband already told you he likes. You have turned yourself and your life completely over to him, but that is too much pressure and too much of a load for anyone to bear. He can't keep himself together. How can he manage you, too???

If you want your husband back, no one can do it for you. You have to do it yourself. Stop thinking someone else should show him the things you need to know. YOU be the one to show him. And not only that, makessure he understands that reading about those things and discussing them with you is a condition of getting back together. He has to know you are willing to take charge. He has to know you are confident in yourself. That's what he was saying when he mentioned you becoming the person he married. No one respects a doormat. They just like wiping their feet on it. He WANTS to be able to respect you. Stop being afraid of him. Stop being afraid of what to say to him. Stop being afraid of what he might do. Tell him what YOU want and what YOU expect from him. Tell him your conditions. At the rate you are going, you are just waiting for his every move. That means you are also waiting for him to come back home. That also means you will be waiting for him to take up with someone else and leave you again. But it doesn't have to be that way. It all depends on you.

 

You could try Marriage Builders...


And, if you are Christian, look up any Nouthetic Counselors in your area.

Otherwise, interview the counselor first - find their views on marriage, divorce, commitment, etc...


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Now playing: Supertramp - Aries
via FoxyTunes

 

Things have been very quiet since the phone call on Friday. We seem to be able to talk more freely on the phone. It feels weird when we are together. We are both quiet and have little to say when we are around each other now. It's better than the irritability I had been seeing. He spoke to my father for the first time at my son's ball game this week-end- just making small talk. I saw him everyday this week-end but not much was said by either of us, some mutual friends told me he is acting like his "old self" again and they were pleased to see us getting along. He did tell me he was not sleeping well. I'm waiting to see what happens when we meet with the lawyers on Wednesday. Our son's birthday is this week too. I'm not sure how to get through this tense, uneasiness when we are around each other. Maybe this is normal.

 

cmf it sounds like it has been a pretty good uneventful days. I hate that tense and uneasiness feeling I am wondering how long it last

 

He's probably not sure what to do, I'm trying not to push anything right now. He has not wanted to talk about the phone call. I'm going to keep moving forward with my plans.

 

Your husband sounds like mine. He can be so amazing and then like the flip of a switch, he is cold and unresponsive. It's a defense thing. It probably bothers him immensely to see you laughing and carrying on life without him. You know what, that is the best thing you can do for the both of you. If you still love him, then forget about him. Concentrate on yourself. Find yourself again. Love you. Laugh. Enjoy your children. If he really loves you, he will come back. He will swallow his pride and end the affair. Don't make it easy for him. You are worth so much more. Stop worrying about what things mean. It's time to move forward. He is living with another woman and you are getting a divorce. You could spend the rest of your life looking for signs and seeing things that maybe aren't there. Don't do this. Don't let him take anything more from you. He will never see what he has lost unless he truly has lost it. He still feels like he can have you if he wants you. I know that feeling. I love my husband in a crazy way. He always gets his way. No matter what he does, I always take him back. There is a song called shattered that OAR does. Check it out. Don't turn the car around unless he jumps in front of it. Do what I can't do.

 

Runawaytrain said it perfectly and that is how I am living my life now.

 

You are right. I have to make some big decisions soon and I can't let him effect them. I am familiar with "Shattered", always liked that song.

 

The irritability is back. It seems our talk last Friday produced no movement, still in a fog. He was cold and withdrawn at son's graduation today. I feel so disconnected from him- not sure how to parent with someone like this.

 

not sure how to parent with someone like this.

You 'parent' regardless of him - they make their own choices, and your kids can tell the difference. You can't make him do anything.

 

you are right. I thought he was coming out of it, but it was very short llived. It was nice to see "him" for that brief conversation. The children already are seeing the difference.

 

you are right. I thought he was coming out of it, but it was very short llived. It was nice to see "him" for that brief conversation. ....

You know, when I went through my divorce, I thought for sure my heart had been "disabled" and I'd no longer be able to feel love. All I felt was hurt or sort of numb...and on the occasion happy with the kids.

Then one day I saw the CUTEST guy at the coffee shop, after I'd been single about a year. As silly as it was, I was a grown woman and I'd go to the coffee shop just for a glimpse of him and had a full-blown crush going. That's when I realized I had no desire for a relationship but it was a reminder that my heart wasn't dead.

Same here cmf. The guy in your hubby's body right now is not "him" and this was a reminder to you that the hubby you dearly love is not dead. The guy who's carrying on the affair? Oh it looks like him, but you've known your hubby for decades and this guy does not act like him, talk like him--it's not his character!
( I personally call active disloyals the Evil Twin)

That conversation was to encourage you--your hubby is not dead yet. He's in there. Right now the Evil Twin is more in control but your hubby is still there.

 

It is a rollercoaster. There are going to be up and downs. Accept the downs for what they are...expected. Ride the next upcar.

 

I needed to hear that too. I am really struggling with just giving up on the whole relationship. Any Love I stll have for him is disappearing quickly. Plan A continues for now. Keep the advice / any suggestions coming. I know I'll be ok either way.

 

Ok, so today we met with the lawyers. BIG reality check for him, as he was told how much he would be court ordered to pay for just child support. Not to mention the back support he owes or marital debt. He has been rolling in money for the past 4 months, not a worry about the kids and I. He says he is going to have to move from his home with his mistress AND he was told that I was selling the house and had been offered a job out of town. He stormed out angry with his lawyer. Just tried to call me. I feel better knowing he is finally having to face reality, although it doesn't help my financial issues just yet. I barely said a word in the meeting and stayed completely calm. I really haved learned to think before I act( or react). Feeling a bit of hope for the kids and I today.

 

Good job!!!! You did well!

 

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am happy for you (((hugs))) don't you just love when someone else comes in and shows them what reality is because it seems like those are the only ones that can!

AFfaircare I need to just follow you around and read your post what you said is exactly how I am feeling I seriously feel like I am dealing with an evil twin right now.

 

Heehee

<---finally's and cmf's REAL hubby

<---finally's and cmf's "alter hubby"
:rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol:

cmf, I join with the others in saying I'm glad to hear this news. Every time something happens to help burst the "affair-fantasy" bubble, it's a good thing. Also, disloyals will frequently tell their loyal spouse that the loyal is being mean or demanding or (insert derogatory term here) for expecting them to live up to their responsibilities, but this wasn't even YOU. It was society, his own legislator, the courts saying that he needs to pay and this $XXX amount seemed reasonable to them! Now he may be mad as a wet hen, but at least he is beginning to see that having an affair will not fix issues AND it will cost him a LOT!! (and not just financial cost, but that is part of it).

 

Affaircare 1st off I love Star Trek how did I not think of that!!!

I think you are right when someone else that is NOT part of the situation lays it all out of the table it seems different and very very real.

 

Well, he finally got me on the phone an hour ago. OF COURSE he is now wanting to talk about getting back together. I questioned his timing and he over reacted. Said he would recommit but that we had many issues. I told him i would not be his last resort and I reminded him that I had been working on things in my own life, but he had not. He still admits no wrong doing, even saying that he never had sex with anyone while living with me so it doesn't count??? He was irritable. He did make a comment about his lawyer telling him that he could easily prevent me from taking the children out of the city if I moved. I told him to do what he had to do. This was not a conversation like the one we had last Friday. Evil twin all the way. Should I even be talking about anything with him right now? I guess the best way to describe how he is acting is bitter.

 

cmf I am also in the bitter stage he goes from being really nice(when he wants something) to being extremely bitter and me being the reason everything is falling down around him! I wouldn't just let him waltz back in without showing some change. In my personal experience I can say my H thinking he could just come back when ever made him feel he was in complete control. I can say at this point it is not just in his hands it has to be mutual.

 

A poster mentioned that "if he loves you he will come back". I disagree with that. For a person that cheats on their spouse, it isn't about love for that spouse. It is about trying to find love for themself. A person so broken that they cannot communicate their needs to their loved one. They have no outlet or mechanism to express themselves. Why? Because they are so broken. Somebody so in need of external validation that they are willing to accept the lowest common denominator as their "love". Another person who is willing to be a secret and second. They both bond in their dysfunction. They can live in FANTASY land for as long as they want. They must be "okay" because hey look, she/he "loves me for who I am". No they don't. People who cheat with a married man/woman are just as broken as the married man/woman who cheat.
Of course he is upset after the meeting with lawyers! It is a reality check into what his life is going to be like. And it isn't what you think. Yes, money is one thing but to somebody so broken as he, he NEEDS to feel like the good guy in all of this. After all, YOU made him choose. His new reality is you moving out of town and he can't play "the good guy" anymore. Or as somebody wiser than me said "Disney Dad" anymore. You see, this makes him face reality. It is an UGLY place for a cheater to be in. YOU forced his hand, in his mind. He is having doubts now. He is NOW realizing that he isn't going to be viewed in positive light. It may very well be "the fog" and usually is but again, I caution you.
If I were you, I would still press on with divorce. NOTHING says that petitions cannot be withdrawn but protect yourself and your children.