[iamnottheonlyone]

Ditto AC and T. You are the best!!

 

[cmf]

I am preparing for Plan B. It should not be too difficult as my Husband is now refusing to speak to ME- saying he is not saying anything until he figures out who sent the text to his phone, who is trying to get him in trouble with me, saying that everyone is lying to him and he doesn't trust anyone including me.
All my fears of him having mental issues are just about confirmed now. I have no idea where he is living , I sent him one text today about the boys' schedule and he did not reply.

 

[turnera]

Until he finds out...just more deflection. meh

 

[iamnottheonlyone]

So if he is saying he is being set up does that mean that he wants to be with you? If he is being set up look bad in your eyes then he must want to make it work. He is still confused. Is the supprot orderstill in place? Has he made any payments recently. If he was in my state he has to pay unless the order is changed. If you want to shake him up, maybe just set a hearing date on the arearage.
I haven't given up on either of you. But you know I feel your pain and anxiety.
Not ready for divorce? Then either ignore him or move to Plan B. He is acting immature. (Don't they all?) But I there is a silver lining. He is claiming it is not all about him. And he is not blaming you. Could the OW be busting his chops becuase she is ticked?
Where is he?

 

[cmf]

Tunera- Not sure what you meant ..until he finds out about Plan B?

IANTOO-He has actually made all payments since June.

I had to see him at my son's game tonight. He was very nice,set up a chair for me to watch the game, called me on the way home to thank me for something, still acting as though nothing has happened. I fought the urge to completely ignore him and was civil. No idea where he is staying. He refuses to speak to me about anything other than the kids, not that I even tried to say anything to him. Plan B should be ready soon, I am predicting he will probably cut his losses and set up house again with her, he seems fine with no contact already- no pressure. He told the kids he is not coming home again.

 

[iamnottheonlyone]

Can I think about this for a while? How are you feeling now? Need to vent? I feel very badly about all of this.

 

[Neverwouldhave guessed]

I swear, we are married to twins!!!!!! My H is a master of shutting down and trying to make me think I have done something wrong, or that he has been wronged somehow. Both of them need to grow up.

 

[Tanelornpete]

Plan B should be ready soon, I am predicting he will probably cut his losses and set up house again with her, he seems fine with no contact already- no pressure. He told the kids he is not coming home again.

Don't put too much stock in what is going on right now. Plan B is time consumptive: over time, things will become more and more apparent - what is gone, what he can't do, child support, lack of CMF filling in for him, etc.

Right now, he feels free - hopping and skipping around having the time of his life: reality has not yet set in. This will pass.

 

[cmf]

Feeling low today. For the last 2 months , I had a husband helping me with the routine of childcare for 2 working parents. I am back to doing it myself, he has not even asked how I was getting it done, or if he could see them. I KNOW this it to be expected. Basically, once I busted him he moved on to Plan B without skipping a beat. My exposure basically did nothing, I tried to call his mother one more time and she is not taking my calls. I feel he is not speaking to me at all now because he wants to pretend he didn't just do what he did. I am just venting. I so want to let him have it, but it would do no good at all. He has already forgotton what it was like when reality set in the last time it would appear.

 

[Tanelornpete]

Remember, his tool of preference is to pretend nothing is going on (covering his eyes means he is invisible!) He will keep this up as long as it looks like it will work - if he simply avoids you for a while, you'll forget it all and get back to doing what he wants (he assumes). Don't make that possible for him.

Stay your course.

 

[cmf]

I am trying. I'm pretty emotional right now and taking everything personally and I'm trying to snap out of it. I feel really stupid for giving him the benefit of the doubt when all the signs were clearly there. I was just too wrapped up in wanting it to work out.
He just called the boys a moment ago, just asking them about school , no mention of anything else. Did not ask to speak to me at all. I wish I could stop letting it get to me right now.

 

[Affaircare]

So have you gotten everything in order for your formal Plan B? Have you gotten your letter written? Have you found an intermediary other than your lawyer (because trust me, if he has to have HIS lawyer call YOUR lawyer, that's $400 to tell you the boys didn't pack socks)? Have you taken care of the business end of things like getting the boys' after-school care all set?

If so, I say get that Plan B officially going. My hope is that having something proactive to do will help a little with the emotions, but bear in mind that this week is going to be a toughie for you. The first week of disentangling is really a hard one--and lotioned tissues really are best or you'll chap your nose.

(((hug))) We're here CMF.

 

[cmf]

Well, my youngest son started crying at dinner because his Daddy left home again and he wanted to make him a picture, thinking he would have stayed . I had a cry over that.
Shortly after this happened , my husband called for me. He basically said he wanted to come home and would prove to me he was not having an affair and had cut off all communication and contact with his former"roommate". I see this as a stalling tactic of his and am prepared that this will not happen. Not sure how he will prove this to me anyway. I once again spelled out what he would need to do to come home. I let him know I had discovered some debts he had accured while we were separated that he had neglected to tell me about and that he had lied to me when we first separated about where he was living. He did ask me about helping with the kids after school. He said he kept his appointment with a therapist today and I told him I did not beleive him without verification. I let him know he needed to sign papers with his lawyer and he had one week to do it( free trade agreement with the house). I'm thinking about giving him one week to show me proof and then start Plan B. I have finished the letter, will use a notebook with the kids and am still trying to find someone to use as a go between for us.
I really dont beleive in using medications, but I may reconsider as my emotions are all over the place today and I need to just not think about this anymore.

 

[Tanelornpete]

CMF - first thing - it's wise to stay away from the meds - you are in a position to see how bad this is. Try St. John's Wort instead. Works wonders in a peaceful, gentle way. It's ok to have the emotions - even to share them with your kids (as long as you don't use the kids a a means to unload, etc.)

Second: when you state what you need for him to come home: are you using what we suggest? Over time we've found that to be the most effective three conditions: if he is serious, he will willingly do all three.

Third, you are doing quite well, considering what you are dealing with. Stay away from threats, instead, make requests, with explicitly declared routes you will take depending on what he freely chooses.

 

[iamnottheonlyone]

Calm down. He didn't call you because he wants to leave. He called you cause he wants to stay. No love busters please. Let him come home. Tell him you are glad he is home. Try your best to make him feel welcome. Take some deep breaths. Get back on here and vent to us and not him. What did he say exactly and what was his tone when he said it.

 

[cmf]

Well, I am calmer now. No medications needed. Took the dogs for a walk to wear them out. While I didn't make threats, I did make demands of the 3 required things needed to come home ( I know , not good, but I did stay pretty calm). I am preparing for him not following through with his actions as his recent history with follow through is about zero. He claims he is living with a cook (male) who works at the bar his former "roommate" works at. Not really seeing how he is having no contact with her if this is even true. It never ceases to amaze me how he can choose to live like this. Should I give this any time before starting Plan B or just start now?

 

[Affaircare]

I politely disagree a little with my esteemed colleague, IANTOO...a little. At this point, your hubby has fairly reliably demonstrated that his words and his actions do not match. Thus I would encourage you to not engage in Love Extinguishers--that's true. And I would encourage deep breaths--also very sound advice.

However, I would show him that there IS a way home but that this time around he will have to show ACTIONS FIRST. We've already tried believing promises and that's not working (and may have been a stall tactic or denial or who-knows-what). Also don't we almost always suggest to people: "Do not make a decision while you are all emotional. Put off the decision until you can think clearly, and then make a plan and execute the plan." Right? Same here.

Here's the way I see it. He has *SAID* he wanted to come back before, and then followed that up by being unwilling to end all communication, unwilling to be completely transparent, and unwilling to commit to ACTIONS. As long as a human being is alive, there is hope of change! So I'd suggest that you let him know that he has the option to convince you he means it by ACTING on his WORDS. When his words and actions match, and match for a while--then at that time you'd be willing to believe him but until then you remain neutral at best. Then do not listen to one word coming out of his mouth but instead look to his ACTIONS for what he really means. If he actually goes to counseling and proves it...good. If he makes appointments on his own and goes...good. If he initiates working with you on a No Contact Letter and ending all contact EVER...good. On the other hand if he doesn't act, then you know it was just more smoke and mirrors and more stalling.

Does that make sense, CMF? And any time you can't figure out what to do or whether to believe it, just go back to that: do words and actions match. When they do, it is trustworthy. When they do not, it is a lie.

Regarding Plan B/Consequences, I see no reason to not go into it now. Even when you go into Consequences stage, there has to be a way for the disloyal spouse to indicate to you that they are willing to end the affair and work on the marriage right? We even have a link on our site about "How to Tell When it's Time to End Consequences Stage." In this case, if he is deadly serious, he will work on his issues on his own, end contact on his own, etc.

So if you have everything prepared, I see no reason to put off going into Plan B/Consequences. Let him have the burden of proving it to you now. That's reasonable.

 

[cmf]

IANTOO- I cant let him just come home because he wants to, it is past that point now. He is not being honest or transparent and he is still having contact. My big mistake in letting him come home to begin with was that I did not see proof he had cut off all contact because he continues to deny everything, he was not being 100% transparent with me( he only said he would and then refused to), and he never recommited to the marriage( made excuses as to why he "couldn't" and did not follow through with actions discussed in marriage coaching). This cycle will keep continuing until he takes action to back up his words. Right now his words are meaningless.

 

[cmf]

Exactly what I was thinking AC! I really do think that he is just saying these things to stall things and buy himself more time to either cover his tracks or hope I will let it go.

 

[iamnottheonlyone]

Mea Culpa. I'm with you. But I think he will make progress. Carrot/stick? Is he suffering withdrawal. Is he riding the rollercoaster. There are relapses. He's an addict. You are both moving forward. I know AC has been closely involved. So AC has a good sense about what H is about. I'm just suggesting he needs a little slack.