Sorry CMF. Wish I could give you some wisdom. I will say I feel for you. The cold shoulder/meanness is so painful. I am not going to say give up. I find it hard to believe he would be rattled by your card. But he probably was. I bought flowers for my wife and she flipped out. Two days later we walked by a flower stand and she stared at them. She wants them but she doesn't want them. He wants you but he doesn't want you.

 

First thing: pay no attention to him 'denying' the affair. What would change if he admitted it? Getting him to admit it is a small, useless victory if he is not willing to return to the marriage. So don't bother even spending any time worrying about it. You already know the truth.

I have no chance of working on our marriage while he is so involved with this affair

Yes,you do. What you cannot do is make him be a better husband. But you CAN be a better person. That is exactly what you should be doing. Ignore his behavior, concentrate on yours.

Proceed with your custody and child care case. Learn more about you, practice replacing bad habits with good, and enjoy your kids. They grow up way too fast (voice of experience here.) Do things you enjoy, learn time management or anger management or horticulture or piano - anything you want to do!

Just enjoy life. And give yourself time! And perhaps most importantly - study what is meant by personal boundaries. Take a lot of careful time to do that!

Don't respond to his hurtful comments, except if they get to where it bothers you - and then respond only by letting him know you don't need to be treated that way - and ask him to leave, hang up, etc.

It is quite possible that his affair could continue (until your divorce - in which case it ends automatically) - or it could die. No one knows. In any event, just keep on doing the right thing. There is never any harm in that - and a lot of good results. It's worth living on principle.

 

Your husband is at the "in love" stage with the other woman. YOU can not change that. That stage usually last 18 months. I really recommend you read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The book really gives you a complete understanding of the "in love" concept.

Speaking from experience, you and your children will be better off if you can put the husband and his mistress out of your mind. Work on yourself and focus on building a new life. Perhaps there is something better out there waiting for you. At least that's what everyone keeps telling me.

 

I would love to be able to forget about them, but my children are involved and suffering by their relationship. They are living a lifestyle that my children have never been exposed to. My H does not care and wants his way with visitation regardless. I want to protect these children who never asked for any of this...
That being said, I did some reading on personal boundaries as suggested. I never had an issue with boundaries until he left. Then I turned into someone I never was for a few months. I am pulling myself out of being that pathetic person, but now I feel like I have always set boundaries with him as a way to manipulate him and it used to work. I am trying....
Update on today- he called wanting to bring the kids home 2 hours early, mad that they were bored and angry he was not allowed to bring them to his home ( per a temporary visitation schedule). I told him I had plans but would bring the kids with me. When he dropped them off he was angry. Yelled at me that he wanted more time with them and thought it was so stupid that they couldn't be in his home. I just looked at him and said" You called me to be here early, you could have had them for 2 more hours. " I was calm and said very little. He said good-bye to the kids and stormed off. I don't even think he wants to see them, it's like he just wants to have something to argue with me about.

 

I would love to be able to forget about them, but my children are involved and suffering by their relationship. They are living a lifestyle that my children have never been exposed to. My H does not care and wants his way with visitation regardless. I want to protect these children who never asked for any of this...

That is totally understandable - and, unfortunately entirely out of your control. Your husband won't stop being the kids father - ever - regardless of his actions. I can empathize - my ex-wife chose a life style that was entirely the opposite of what we taught our kids over the years. I didn't want that at all - but I had to deal with it.

I chose to live the life I believe is right. And I know my kids see the difference - they make comparisons, and voice their opinions. I let them see the difference, and trust that I am teaching them to live a life of high moral principles and that they will make that choice when they do leave home.

Your husband may choose a life that is entirely objectionable to you - you cannot control that. Moreover, in the end, the courts don't care about lifestyles. They care about parenting time and money - custody and support. The court will not make a moral judgment that tells either parent that they must live one certain way over another - with the exception of things the government has declared to be immoral (that is, illegal.) As long as you or your spouse is not crossing the government's version of what is right or wrong, you cannot control how he lives, or what his children see.

It's unfortunate, but your only choice is to control the only thing you can - YOU - and live the way YOU want to live - and let your kids see that. They are smart enough to see the difference.

Regarding boundaries: you hit on a very common thing: MANY people believe that boundaries are rules you place on other people to make them do what you want. This is not what the word means. It implies that this is the 'line in the sand' - beyond this YOU will not step. THEY may step there - but you are not going there with them.

 

MANY people believe that boundaries are rules you place on other people to make them do what you want. This is not what the word means. It implies that this is the 'line in the sand' - beyond this YOU will not step. THEY may step there - but you are not going there with them.

Boundaries are also that line in the sand you will not tolerate others crossing. While no one can control the actions of others, you shouldn't allow that line being crossed over on you either. It may be a reactionary situation, of course, in that you can't stop someone from crossing, but you shouldn't stick around for repeat of the disrespect.

 

Tanelornpete- At this point should we even be doing anything together with the kids. or should it all be seperate visitation? What should I say to him if he asks to include me in his plans with the kids? I am second guessing myself when I interact with him now.

 

You shouldn't be included in his visitation activities with the kids. If one of them has a game or recital or similar, of course you should attend and he should attend to support the child's activity. But you should attend the kids' activities separately, and you should not be included in his visitation activities. To tell you honestly, he doesn't invite you because he wants to be able to spend time with you. The invite is only throwing you a bone of kindness to smooth the blow of his leaving and his affair and to ease any hard feelings about him. In other words, his effort is to ease his own conscience. Besides that, it sends you mixed signals that make you second yourself and make you wonder if he still cares and wants you back. I'm afraid he doesn't. He just wants to make himself feel better for abandoning his family for some coochie. He feels terrible about what he has done but could not help himself and cannot force himself to undo it because he doesn't want to undo it. That is also the reason he lashes out about stupid things. He must find all the ways he can to make you the culprit, the bad guy, to blame you. You should cut the ties as much as possible and leave him to deal with his own guilt. And don't allow him to yell and fuss at you anymore. Let him know in no uncertain terms to shut the hell up or simply don't see him when he picks up and drops off the kids. Any communication can take place over the phone or email.

 

I agree with Susan - with the exception that I would not tell him in 'no uncertain terms' to 'shut the hell up' - I'd be very calm and clear and state that I choose to no longer be subject to that kind of treatment, and that when he finds a way to talk to you that does not include (the treatment you do not want) then you will be glad to talk to him - and then 'hang up,' 'walk off,' 'shut the door,' etc - whatever it takes to leave the conversation.

He hopes you will fight with him, insult him, try to control him, etc - in order to justify his actions.

 

1st off I think I have told you before but it breaks my heart you are dealing with all of this (((hugs)))

I have to completely agree with Susan with this.

 

I am finally realizing that he really doesn't have feelings for me, I've been fighting it , thinking "How can you be married to someone for so long and then feel nothing at all for them". But all his actions back it up. I am trying not to let my self esteem crumble, but it is difficult.

 

Don't let this break you if you do he will win and you will lose Actions do speak loader then words. It is easy to say something but usually our actions show our true self.

 

I wish I had realized all this when he first left and hadn't wasted 5 months thinking things could be worked out.

 

CMF,
I am giving you one GIANT hug right now. My God, you have been through the ringer.
All his hatred and ugly words directed at you is to demonize you. Just like Susan said, to make you the bad person. That way he can "rationalize" his actions of leaving his family and destroying your relationship. The fact that you had to initiate the divorce is a CLASSIC from the cheaters "handbook", if you will. "She left me" is how they can continue to live with themselves. You wrote that their "relationship" continues to grow stronger. Any relationship that is based on lies, secrets, cheating on spouses and hurting children is NOT a "relationship". Ever. This is fantasy. A world of no responsibility. No bills to pay, no children to shuttle around, no fix it projects around the house. Nope, the "other person" is "perfect". Why? Because they live in a fog. It will be a VERY hard dose of reality once they leave their spouse and realize this.
You sound heartbroken right now CMF, but you are STRONGER than you ever knew possible. You mentioned that your self esteem is taking a hit. Understand this, YOU did not break your vows, YOU did not walk out on your family and responsibility, YOU did not abandon your committment. HE DID. And for what? The lowest common denominator. They ALWAYS affair down. They cheat with somebody equally as broken as they are. Somebody willing to have an affair with a married man. Somebody willing to accept seconds and the crumbs they offer. She will NEVER be better than you. EVER.
Stay strong my dear. YOU are worth SO MUCH MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Thanks Brennan , you actually made me cry a little with that. He left over 7 months ago and lied and covered up the affair until mid-February. He still denies the affair saying he only lives with "his roommate". It helps to know why he is acting like this. I gave up trying to talk with him about anything- he only wants to discuss superficial things with me and argue over anything to do with the kids. I am no doormat ( other than the first few months after he left, which I am now quite ashamed of) and will stay strong, but my patience and self restraint has never been tested more. Everyone keeps telling me that he will try to come back, but I cant imagine that. I have never had someone so irriationally angry at me and take a lie(the affair) to such an extreme- other than the mentally ill.

 

Yes, he WILL try and come back to you but ask yourself this.....would you want him back? Somebody who has lied, deceived, left you and his children? You don't have to answer that right now because you are in despair and want your life back as you know it. Think down the road a bit though. Would you ever be able to trust him again, look at him with the same eyes you have looked at him with for all these years, feel the same feelings you have about him again? Would you?
As for him? He will realize what he has done and will never be happy with himself until he fixes what is broken with him. A person much wiser than me said this "The grass is never greener on the other side. It still has to be mowed".
Right now you are lost but know this....you CAN get through this. YOU have dignity, respect, love and worth. HE has none of that.

 

Brennan that was a very powerful post and I have to say it also helped me.

 

Thank you, Finally. I am happy that I could be of comfort to you.

 

I think the thing that gets me is that prior to him leaving I always felt I was lucky to have such an attentive husband who truly loved me and desired me. He did affair down- although she is younger, she is divorced, bankrupt, overweight, a heavy smoker, and a waitress. My husband has many issues and a horrible childhood. Our backgrounds are very different. He is truly the only man I have ever loved and now I doubt everthing we had together. I'm sure in time it will get easier. Thanks for your posts Brennan, they are insightful.

 

cmf yep that is pretty much how I feel. I had put my H so high up on a pedestal and built him so in my mind and to others to such a point I haven't even told anyone of our families because they are going to just be in shock. This whole thing is still shocking me....I guess shock is good because if it all hit at once it probably would kill you

 

Ok, I've been doing better the past several days as he stopped speaking to me until today. I have avoided a few phone calls from him( if they were important he would have left a message). I did see him on Wednesday night- he ignored me. Today he shows up at the house right when I got home with the kids, wanting to take my son somewhere- my son said no and my H actually accepted that. He had been calling the house, but we were out. He then says that he doesn'tunderstand why I am keeping him from his kids and with -holding information about them.??? I calmly told him that he never asks me anything about them . He then asks me why I can no longer speak civil to him when we were doing so well a few weeks ago. I bit my tongue and reminded him that he was the one that started speaking to me harshly again and arguing with whatever I said. He denies doing any of this and said I was over dramatizing. I told him I was no longer tolerating his inconsistent moods and lashing out behaviors. I also reminded him that he told me a few days ago he would only speak to me with his lawyer present. Again he blamed me for HIM saying that because I had stopped being civil with him. He then accused me of trying to control him, I responded that he does whatever he wants at all times.He has not once taken responsibility for anything he has done since he left the house. I realize now ( hours later)I fell for it again and should have just told him to leave. At least I didn't yell or raise my voice, this is harder than I thought it would be- it's easier when he ignores me. I'm not sure why I feel I should defend myself, I guess it's just an instinct. It would appear that he wants to live his life doing whatever he feels like at any given moment, not pay any support to the children and I and be able to see them and take them whenever he chooses to, while maintaining the image of a devoted father and long suffering husband. The only thing standing in his way is me. If he had all these things would he be happy? Maybe for a moment . What would be a good response to him when he starts in with me about contolling him and keeping him from his children? Obviously I am not handling it right. Would anything make a difference when he is like this? Just walk away ? You know I just want to punch him out .....GRRRR

 

I think it's time your husband feels like to not have you in his life, he is still getting something from the contact with you.
I say no contact with him, don't answer his calls, texts, emails.
Only pass on info about the children, nothing else......when he picks them up, leave the house to go somewhere that way you don't need to talk to him about anything, he will think you have moved on.......
He is gone now, make him pay suppport for his kids, make him live the reality of the decisions he has made for himself.....
Let him go and be miserable in his new life with his new cheating girlfriend......
No contact if for your survival..........for your health.....
Be strong for you and the kids.......when 1 door closes another opens........be optimistic about what your future will hold for you.
(((((hugs))))))))

 

Well, this didn't take long.......
I got THE CALL a few minutes ago. He told me he wished he could undo what he has done by leaving. He said I was a different person from a year ago, the person I am now is the person he fell in love with and wants to spend the rest of his life with. He said he was sure it was too late at this point due to our families , lawyers. I reminded him that he also LIVED WITH HIS MISTRESS. He did not admit anything , but did say..well, we are separated . He said he wished he could come home and would never have left if he knew things would turn out this way. We discussed a few other things, including how he has been speaking to me and he said he would make more of an effort to not take his anger out on me. We both were at work and the conversation had to end..I told him if he wanted to continue this conversation he would need to call me. I am VERY uncertain about this..I am sure he is having financial issues . I don't trust it..not sure how to handle this . I think this is what I wanted, but how to even try to fix this. He is really screwing with my emotions......Just wait and see if he resumes this conversation?

 

Saw him briefly last night and this morning. He was friendlier , did not mention anything from yesterday. Should I just drop it and not mention it again?

 

cmf I am sort of in the same place you are and part of me is wondering if the driving force is $$$ and it kills me I am wondering if the financial difficulties is making them feel like they are 'over a barrel' or is opening their eyes?

 

I think we need some experts on here to weigh in.....