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What does NO SEX in Marriage Mean? Is it possible a wife wants no sex again ?

25K views 160 replies 47 participants last post by  She'sStillGotIt 
#1 ·
So I am married and have been for 11 years. I feel like perhaps my wife is done with sex. She just continues to ignore any advances with I am tried or cant you see I want to sleep. Talking about it has not worked in the past because she avoids and deflects things back on me. Its as if everything seems fine, we talk create future plans, she speaks about all of these things like business, family, we watch movies, discuss ideas, life.. She just seems to have lost all interest in it. It's been over 3 years since any oral sex or regular sex. At night she goes to sleep, I have even told her I am going dancing, going out and she just does not seem to care too much in any way. She does not even seem jealous around anything and she just seems occupied with her work and what she wants to do.

I just have no idea what to do. I am sexual and we have a daughter and everything is great if you take sex out of the equation.

I do not want to convince, plead or beg her for intimacy. She works out and so do I, I do sports, lifting and work out and we are both healthy. I have tried asking her to go to counselor, I have even gone to counselor on my own and also other coaching.

It is frustrating though, I am sexual and I want to connect sexually. It's kind of driving me nuts...Again, why discuss as I have tried before and she just seems shut down, she does not seem to want to be sexual with anyone, she spends most time working. She has nothing to worry about as I pay all of the bills and I just cant seem to get through no matter what ..

What do I do, Take care of myself. In the past when I suggested counseling - she just says, if you take care of yourself and I take care of myself then everything will work out.
 
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#2 ·
sunchild 15, perhaps there is a glandular problem or she's working too hard. But, I have known several couples with the same problem. In each case, the W was having either an EA or PA and hiding it well. In one case, whe W his it so well that there was never any indication that she was cheating. The H found out about it, maybe, ten years later. D was the result. She, most likely, is a cake eater living a double life. Don't put up with it any longer. Its the 180 my man.
 
#3 ·
We are both organic vegan. There is no EA or PA, however I do think it could be self induced stress, she tends to stay busy and have the ability to not relax, there is constant mission and perhaps its also perio-menopause, Its just bizarre but she is almost 53 years old. I do not know how to get through when I do initiate, she will just be non-responsive and then its followed by tired, what are you doing or some form of excuse. It is very frustrating as I have always been physical. But you can not make someone do anything they are not into. Its confusing to me to say the least... Its like everything else great, but there is not really anything I do or do not do that even makes an impact.
 
#4 ·
There is no EA or PA, however
Those words have been muttered countless time here and over time have show it to be different. It's time for you to take the lead or settle for what you believe. Nothing will change unless you do.

Time to step up and swing away.
 
#8 ·
File for divorce, and mean it. This may shock her out of her attitude towards you and sex, or be a relief to her. Either way, you will be better off.
 
#9 ·
Before I join the pitchfork brigade, I want to be sure to clarify a few things, OP:

Is there any history, at all, of infidelity by either your wife or you?
Was the sex ever frequent, passionate, and engaged? If so, when did it stop being that way?
Are either of you suffering from any chronic illness, physical or mental? Is she on any long-term medications?
Has she seen a doctor regarding her hormone levels?
Was she married before? Why did that marriage end?
 
#10 ·
What does NO SEX in Marriage Mean?
It means you have a financial agreement/business partnership with the potential to have a very nice friendship. It's not a marriage at least in my book, marriage implies intimacy.

Unless there is some sort of medical issue I would file. Life is too short.

Also don't assume there is no cheating, you wouldn't be the first.
 
#11 ·
Obligatory link to the book I wrote for guys in your exact position: dadstartingover.com/the-dead-bedroom-fix . I am a sponsor of the forum and have many positive reviews on Amazon, Apple Books and Audible for the book. Good luck, my friend!
 
#12 ·
How old is your daughter? Can you write up a summary of your relationship and what the intimacy was like along the way? You say it's been 3 years without sex. What was it like from the beginning until that point?

She seems very apathetic about this topic. Is she like that with the relationship in general? It sounds like you guys are at a roommate level in terms of emotional connection. That may be all she wants out of the relationship, so she's happy with the way things are.

Unfortunately, there aren't too many happy endings for stories like yours. You have a daughter so it's worth trying to save it, but make sure you have the right attitude about this. You need to be in the mindset that a good marriage has good intimacy and that both people should want that. Don't take on the responsibility of making her want to have sex. She should want that. It's what should be normal in a marriage. If she doesn't want it or you feel like you're forcing her to want it, then understand what that means for the state of the marriage and whether it's worth saving.
 
#14 ·
Three undeniable TAM truths:

1) You can’t negotiate desire.
2) Sex for a man is PRIMARILY emotional, ejaculation is PRIMARILY physical.
3) LD partners always have the emotional upper hand until the HD takes/threatens to take their ball and goes home.

When it comes to sex in marriage, if both partners are not into enjoying it or get joy out of watching their spouse get-off then you need to look inward at what is robbing that joy (e.g. trauma, physical pain, fatigue, self-esteem, resentment, etc). Because at this point there is NO love in love-making. At some point, you WANTED to please your partner sexually and now you ambivalent/hostile towards it. That’s a huge rejection for man or woman. If you were dating, you’d likely get dumped.

I had to share with my wife that sex for me (and most men) is not what she thought. It was in the context of drifting apart. She has a hard enough time expressing love towards me aside from saying “i love you.” No flirting, love letters, touch, etc. Take away sex/sexual desire and that last connection is gone. My wife was shocked when I said it’s great you think about the future but that’s not a future I want.
 
#15 ·
OP,

The above, and when she told you:

"if you take care of yourself and I take care of myself then everything will work out."

Ask her what she really means when saying that.

And unless she's asexual, then when she say she takes care of herself, what does she really mean?

Is she telling you to have sex outside the marriage, does she know it seems that way?
 
#16 ·
As a 53 year old woman I can confirm that menopause has brought by libido way down. The mood swings, anxiety and depression from it, don't help either.

I'm not at completely zero as I will respond if I let myself, but I have to get my head into the idea first. There are no hormones to drive my desires.

I'm only chiming in as there doesn't need to be an EA or PA for someone to go off sex. It can be hormonal, it can be the state of the relationship, or it could be medication.
 
#17 ·
So I am married and have been for 11 years. I feel like perhaps my wife is done with sex. She just continues to ignore any advances with I am tried or cant you see I want to sleep. Talking about it has not worked in the past because she avoids and deflects things back on me. Its as if everything seems fine, we talk create future plans, she speaks about all of these things like business, family, we watch movies, discuss ideas, life.. She just seems to have lost all interest in it. It's been over 3 years since any oral sex or regular sex. At night she goes to sleep, I have even told her I am going dancing, going out and she just does not seem to care too much in any way. She does not even seem jealous around anything and she just seems occupied with her work and what she wants to do.

I just have no idea what to do. I am sexual and we have a daughter and everything is great if you take sex out of the equation.

I do not want to convince, plead or beg her for intimacy. She works out and so do I, I do sports, lifting and work out and we are both healthy. I have tried asking her to go to counselor, I have even gone to counselor on my own and also other coaching.

It is frustrating though, I am sexual and I want to connect sexually. It's kind of driving me nuts...Again, why discuss as I have tried before and she just seems shut down, she does not seem to want to be sexual with anyone, she spends most time working. She has nothing to worry about as I pay all of the bills and I just cant seem to get through no matter what ..
It is possible she's asexual (although that's exceedingly rare). It's also possible she's depressed or something.

What is more probable just based on this is that she's not that into you any more.

What do I do, Take care of myself. In the past when I suggested counseling - she just says, if you take care of yourself and I take care of myself then everything will work out.
And now I'm thinking that her version of taking care of herself might involve some help from a third party.

Let me tell you a story. I've told it here before. I had a buddy years ago come over with his wife and kids for a BBQ. He pulls me aside and tells me he's adjusting to his new lifestyle - because his wife has declared herself to be asexual. And he loves her and he's trying to support her through this. He's reading books, websites, the whole deal trying to depersonalize all this.

A couple weeks later his wife shows up on my doorstop and hits on me hard. Claims her husband won't sleep with her. I just laughed and threw her out. Told him. He doesn't believe me. We stop talking because he's mad and trying to support his wife and I'm just stirring up trouble and making up stories.

A while after that, he discovers that after I said no to her, she hit up his best friend. Who was married, and didn't say no to her.

Turns out she liked sex just fine. Just not with him.

Alternatively, if she is in fact just taking care of herself, that also means that she likes sex just fine, just not with you involved. Which is better than cheating, but is almost as problematic. Not masturbation per se, but preferring it over sex with you. Especially when you're wanting it so desperately.
 
#19 ·
Alternatively, if she is in fact just taking care of herself, that also means that she likes sex just fine, just not with you involved. Which is better than cheating, but is almost as problematic. Not masturbation per se, but preferring it over sex with you. Especially when you're wanting it so desperately.

It’s quite possible she has an avoidant attachment style/disorder



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#22 ·
Did she have an active interest in sex in the past, or was her interest always limited.

- When we started going out she was passionate, we had sex in the car even while driving she would get turned on and be on me :) , even in the garage and she was sexually aggressive. We had oral sex and it was healthy. She was sexual.

Any changes in health, medications (especially anti-depressants) etc?

Once she got pregnant things kind of turned because of fibroid, which she got removed however then she had operation, but perhaps the most drastic shift was when she lost both parents within a year but this was 8 years back. She is 53, about 8 years ago too she said she has no interest in sex or libido for me or any other man either. But everytime I suggested doctor, getting checked, Doctor always said all normal and she continues to say she feels FINE, she feels great. She just spends her extra time either working or sleeping, once in bed.. lights out she cant be bothered and is non responsive


Any changes in family - deaths in family, new children etc?

Did her interest stop suddenly, or gradually?

Its been gradually decline when her parents were not doing well it went from 1 time every 2 weeks to, 1 time every 3 months, 1 time every 6 months to one time in a year and now its been almost 4 years now, no oral pleasure, not even a massage which she used to give me a sensual a massage because she did not seem to have any interest in sex. I think psychologically she also feels that she is older and needs to save her energy. There was a point she she said when she met me it was all about sex, then sex to have a child and now, what is next. Then when we have had talks she would say, if I just had sex with you three times per week you would be happy. Its weird, she doesnt want to go to counselor, doctor and its always a redirection or goes into an argument when I bring it up. Listen, I do not want to push a wet noodle. There was even a time we would discuss and I said I want to have sex and physical connection in my life and she asked me if i wanted to date other people.. years back she used to react with crazy answer, Perhaps its menopause... But she wont go and find out what is going on at all .
 
#29 ·
Any changes in health, medications (especially anti-depressants) etc?



Once she got pregnant things kind of turned because of fibroid, which she got removed however then she had operation, but perhaps the most drastic shift was when she lost both parents within a year but this was 8 years back. She is 53, about 8 years ago too she said she has no interest in sex or libido for me or any other man either. But everytime I suggested doctor, getting checked, Doctor always said all normal and she continues to say she feels FINE, she feels great. She just spends her extra time either working or sleeping, once in bed.. lights out she cant be bothered and is non responsive

My wife’s doctor said she was “fine” but when she went to a pay-for-service place they showed her that her hormones were all messed up and her testosterone level was barely above zero. Insurance doesn’t care that your wife has no sex drive. Mine tried out-of-pocket TRT and she was back but wasn’t thrilled with the side effects. I’m on it as well and love it. At one point, I switched from pellets back to gels so insurance would cover it but it sucked and I went to paying out-of-pocket. Now she uses my leftover gel but only has about a month supply left.

If it was important to her she would make it an “us problem” and she has a role in working it out together.

She’s made it a YOU problem by unilaterally dropping celibacy in your lap and telling you to deal with it. And oh BTW, keeping providing for our family and being a good dad. This is a team effort and she’s having her cake and eating it too.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#23 ·
I also feel that mentally someone can take themselves out of being turned on. She is always angry about politics and gets mad about president and what he is doing. It sounds bizarre, but I almost feel she is trying to prove herself in life and be independent. She has said many time, this is my way out and to be set. She feels as if she sacrifices everything in life to make it - that she will then be happy and in the meantime she is missing many opportunities to enjoy life.

I handle all finances and in perspective she has no stress on her back around trying to pay anything at all. We have frequent conversations about investments, buying places, traveling and things she wants to do in life. We go places and all is great when it comes to family time, we go on trips and do lots of things go to great restaurants, trips and etc.. However when we do go it seems as if none of these things register as if her energy is never recharged even after going to a week long trip in a different city. She will talk about many things she does not like about the US, the city we live in and how things like the system is not fair. But I feel happy is an inside job and not where you go ...

I do not know what to do. I do not want to convince her, argue, or push someone to get assistance even after having conversations years back there was never any accountability on her part to be a cause in the relationship she would always gas light and redirect the conversation back to me. It would come in the form of shock statements, " All you care about is sex" " You just want to know how to have sex with me" I would say , I enjoy connection with her and sex and her response would be "Sex is not everything" You do not need sex to be happy" Sex is just sex... it does not validate you, or even crazy comments like maybe you should find someone else to have sex with because I am not sure if I can meet your needs. All kind of cazy comments ...

However if its off the topic of sex, things she needs for her business or family plans, no issues if I just stay away from sex. Perhaps she has adrenal fatigue, I have no idea and I want to shift it .. Perhaps the word "marriage: has too much significance, or I have expectations that create resistance, perhaps her saying just because your married does not entitle you to anything ... Maybe I have made the idea that sex is within my marriage and relationship too important ...

As everything else seems find and we have great connection as friends, it seems find but mentally this keeps me spinning from all is great to what is this situation here and is someone playing some kind of game, where they know what I want/need and they are intentionally withdrawing to see how much I can do for them or drive their survival. Because it just seems its always more and there are always another 30 things on the list even after we achieve the 30 things , she finds more things to keep her busy to not be present ..

That is just a rant :)
 
#112 ·
Your first paragraph is common. Seen it often.
Classic sublimation.
Often takes years before it sets solidly.
Saddening.
Not much advice can be given to help maintain the marriage aside from accepting her terms or taking charge if she doesn’t go on the offensive.
 
#26 ·
It looks like you created almost the exact same thread a few years ago. The fact that it looks like nothing has changed in that time should help clarify what possibilities there are for the future. You need to decide what kind of life you want and take steps to make it a reality. It's clear that the path you are on is not going to lead you to the place you want to be.
 
#27 ·
I guess when it comes down to it, I am looking for answers and some way to shift this. I would love to hear both a man and womans perspective. I have been more than patient. 4 years .. I have been loving and supportive just hoping that things can shift or this may be some phase, but it does get frustrating for me to say the least.
 
#30 ·
Listen, I am sorry but I want to be really honest...

Before that I need you to know that My Fiancé is 60 and we have sex almost daily if we have time.

All I am saying is that, if she cared, she would do something about it.

You need to divorce, you can write on TAM and every other board in the world and nothing is going to change.

She may be in menopause, she may not be attracted to you, she may be having some type of affair, who knows.

What I do know is that you cannot fix her. So if you want to be happy divorce her. If you are too scared to do that, then you sentence yourself to purgatory for the rest of your life.

Your choice...
 
#32 ·
sunchild15 said:
she wont go and find out what is going on at all
She doesn't need to "find out". She already knows.

sunchild15 said:
I handle all finances
her saying just because your married does not entitle you to anything ...
there was never any accountability on her part
she would always gas light and redirect the conversation back to me.
" All you care about is sex"
she said when she met me it was all about sex, then sex to have a child and now, what is next.
More excuses. She gave you "audition sex" because she knew without that, she couldn't "hook" you. But, the reality was, to her, sex was something to be done once before each pregnancy, as quickly as possible. Now that she has the child she had sex for, there's no further point.

The lack of accountability you speak of has been governing your marriage and was a factor in your courtship. She is telling you her TRUE belief that "marriage does not entitle you to anything".....however, it does seem to entitle her to someone who handles all the finances and shoulders all the responsibility.

An earlier poster said "Selfish". You are married to a completely self-centered person.
 
#33 ·
I echo the person talking about divorce. You sound like you've tried to work through this, and while it might sound like a trite reason to divorce (no sex), it really is more than that. Much more. Your wife is fine with you paying the bills and ''taking care of her,'' but she doesn't seem to feel that she has any obligation to taking care of you. Sex shouldn't be an obligation, but if she isn't in the mood, she could provide you with pleasure now and again, but she doesn't care. And she knows you won't leave. She doesn't care that you are not happy, and she knows you won't leave.

Nothing will change her, except perhaps, thinking that you MIGHT leave. Thinking that you're not an old shoe that she can rely on, even if she doesn't show affection or intimacy. I don't get the sense that she's cheating, though. I just feel that she doesn't care about you, she just cares about the lifestyle you provide.

Sure, there could be medical reasons and depression, but I kind of feel those are lazy excuses, to be honest. If she has energy to travel and work out, then she should have energy to have sex at least one time per week.
 
#34 ·
Yup. It's decision time. Monogamy doesn't come with an enforced celibacy clause.

"Wife, one of two things is going to happen. We divorce and I sleep with other people, or we stay together and I sleep with other people. You've been given ample opportunity to be the one that I sleep with, and you clearly aren't interested. I'm not a monk. Decide."
 
#35 ·
"Her" marriage doesn't work for you.

OK, someone has to speak up for the no EA/PA side of things. What OP is describing is not at all unlike what my sex life would have been like had I not forced the issue more than he has. It's entirely possible the wife simply has no idea what is missing from her husband's life. She could have a view of sex that's based on something that happened to her previously, and once she acquired stability, she became quite happy and content with how things are, and 100% without empathy to what her husband is missing in his life (and their marriage in general).

My wife has been content and happy about her marriage for 40 years. Notice I said "her" marriage. She managed, and I think this is more common than people realize, to move marriage from an "us" thing more to a "her" thing, once she got comfortable. She completely lost empathy towards how others felt about things she said or did. There may be valid traumatic reasons for her doing so; she wasn't born a monster.

The only way I got her to face things was the fear of me leaving. She wanted (still wants) desperately to save "her" marriage. She didn't even want to expose to the light of day (talk to anyone else, including counselors) problems within the marriage because that would be outside her construct of the marriage. Not "our" marriage, but "the" which is really "her" marriage.

Still with me? 'Cuz I've never quite looked at it this way until now.

So the threatened loss of "her" marriage led to a lot of tears, few of which, if any, had anything to do with what I've gone through. But, it drove her to MC and finally admitting to her psychologist and IC that there were some deep-rooted issues in "our" marriage and she took a small amount of responsibility for them. That led to looking into a traumatic event in her past that really affected her view of sex, and now she's in the stage of examining that past, trying to remember what she doesn't remember, and, hopefully, if she gets a handle on things... she will have an empathy influx and realize what the things she's said to me over the years have felt like... to me... and maybe things will get better.

My wife is trying, but she really doesn't know how. Things can't be helped without therapy, and therapists can only help if they know what's going on. So if you're wife doesn't talk, or leaves out the important stuff, the therapy goes flat. Which means you have to stay on top of it, keep the momentum going, if you want to get your wife back and save your marriage.

Nothing happens if you don't put your foot down and make it clear "her" marriage doesn't work for you. The "us" requires a responsibility that she understand and empathize.
 
#37 ·
Re: "Her" marriage doesn't work for you.

OK, someone has to speak up for the no EA/PA side of things. What OP is describing is not at all unlike what my sex life would have been like had I not forced the issue more than he has. It's entirely possible the wife simply has no idea what is missing from her husband's life. She could have a view of sex that's based on something that happened to her previously, and once she acquired stability, she became quite happy and content with how things are, and 100% without empathy to what her husband is missing in his life (and their marriage in general).

My wife has been content and happy about her marriage for 40 years. Notice I said "her" marriage. She managed, and I think this is more common than people realize, to move marriage from an "us" thing more to a "her" thing, once she got comfortable. She completely lost empathy towards how others felt about things she said or did. There may be valid traumatic reasons for her doing so; she wasn't born a monster.

The only way I got her to face things was the fear of me leaving. She wanted (still wants) desperately to save "her" marriage. She didn't even want to expose to the light of day (talk to anyone else, including counselors) problems within the marriage because that would be outside her construct of the marriage. Not "our" marriage, but "the" which is really "her" marriage.

Still with me? 'Cuz I've never quite looked at it this way until now.

So the threatened loss of "her" marriage led to a lot of tears, few of which, if any, had anything to do with what I've gone through. But, it drove her to MC and finally admitting to her psychologist and IC that there were some deep-rooted issues in "our" marriage and she took a small amount of responsibility for them. That led to looking into a traumatic event in her past that really affected her view of sex, and now she's in the stage of examining that past, trying to remember what she doesn't remember, and, hopefully, if she gets a handle on things... she will have an empathy influx and realize what the things she's said to me over the years have felt like... to me... and maybe things will get better.

My wife is trying, but she really doesn't know how. Things can't be helped without therapy, and therapists can only help if they know what's going on. So if you're wife doesn't talk, or leaves out the important stuff, the therapy goes flat. Which means you have to stay on top of it, keep the momentum going, if you want to get your wife back and save your marriage.

Nothing happens if you don't put your foot down and make it clear "her" marriage doesn't work for you. The "us" requires a responsibility that she understand and empathize.
You know, I am not downplaying anyone's trauma. No ones.

But honestly, you make this way more complex than it needs to be.

I know you love her and want to stay married, and I get all that she is dealing with.

However, some of this is just not that hard.

OP, supposedly, has actually spoken to his wife about all of this and she basically told him to FO.

Now, to me, that is a good place to step off...
 
#42 ·
@sokillme I was offering a different explanation that commonly given here. Doing so without making it "all about me" is a difficult needle to thread, but, this really isn't all about me. It's just a scenario for OP to consider, if he hasn't already.

Also, I don't consider myself a saint for my patience. Nor do I consider myself unique. I'm just zis guy, you know? So I'm trying to rationalize here that my situation may be more applicable to others than people think. Yes, that makes me feel better about things, so yes, it may bias my beliefs and responses to posts here. We are all influenced by our experiences, not all of which were of our own making.
 
#47 ·
Or you could just say his wife doesn't give a **** about his needs and really doesn't care if that bothers him or not. He can try to force her to and she may for a time but she told him (and your wife told you) point blank that a primary need that is to be expected in marriage is not her responsibility. I call that person a terrible spouse and not worthy of staying with. That's all.

If you stay with a spouse who point blank tells you they don't care about a primary expected need to be fulfilled in marriage then make no mistake the outcome of that IS YOUR OWN MAKING.

The point with this is always if it were anything other responsibility like say financial there everyone would see it.

When it comes to marriage, "not my problem" is never a valid answer.
 
#49 ·
Yea, I'm not a fan of ultimatums - there may be times to say enough is enough, but even then -- ''if you don't start having sex with me, I'm leaving you'' just isn't going to make you feel better or desired, IF sex starts to resume.

Communication is key. Staying silent about it isn't the answer, but I would have a serious conversation that divorce is on the horizon because you're not happy, OP. Not fulfilled.
 
#50 ·
I don't know if you are calling my statement an ultimatum or not.

But I don't think it is. Like I said it is a boundary.

And I think that is ok. And I am not saying if this situation happens you cannot have a talk about it, sure you can do that.

But when I say that I need to be desired and I need sex in a relationship I mean it.

If a woman was to lose her attraction to me, OK, those are the breaks. I get it. It could happen. But if she does not talk to me about it, tell me how I could fix if she wanted it to be fixed, then see you later.

And that is why I said that it is just not that hard. I would never be/stay with someone that was not sexually attracted to me. I just would not do it. Others may, for their own reasons, but not me.

I don't know any other way to explain it...
 
#53 ·
You know, we say that a lot, and it is a valid solution.

But I got so tired of sleeping around, and if you have a FWB, for me they tend to want more. I am not saying don't do that, because it could work.

I however, really got to a point that I wanted the full relationship, building our future, being together every night, cooking dinner, fixing up the house.

God, did I just write that?????
 
#56 ·
What happens when you communicate over and over and get redirected back to you? It could be a survival mentality when people are exhausted and tired they tend to avoid things because they do not have the energy. The main question is when is the right time? It seems pretty common sense that a partner would know based on past conversations, but how can you just ignore something like this? That is the mystery because my wife who is the same person talking to me about where we should move, what to invest money in and how to live a better live and is super sensitive and intuitive to everything else around her.. Like, literally I feel like I am in the twilight zone.. Its confusing when all looks good on one front and then you just ignore the obvious in a relationship and then to top of off its almost like she is so on her track, nothing even bothers her.
 
#59 ·
I don't think this is any mystery and is in fact shriekingly clear. She's into "discussing where to move to, what to invest money in, and how to live a better life"----- but blows off and discussion of and participation in your sex life??!!!!!!! She's only in this marriage for financial and life stability!!!

She wants your stuff, not your junk. I don't believe I just wrote that, but....
 
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