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So I am married and have been for 11 years. I feel like perhaps my wife is done with sex. She just continues to ignore any advances with I am tried or cant you see I want to sleep. Talking about it has not worked in the past because she avoids and deflects things back on me. Its as if everything seems fine, we talk create future plans, she speaks about all of these things like business, family, we watch movies, discuss ideas, life.. She just seems to have lost all interest in it. It's been over 3 years since any oral sex or regular sex. At night she goes to sleep, I have even told her I am going dancing, going out and she just does not seem to care too much in any way. She does not even seem jealous around anything and she just seems occupied with her work and what she wants to do.

I just have no idea what to do. I am sexual and we have a daughter and everything is great if you take sex out of the equation.

I do not want to convince, plead or beg her for intimacy. She works out and so do I, I do sports, lifting and work out and we are both healthy. I have tried asking her to go to counselor, I have even gone to counselor on my own and also other coaching.

It is frustrating though, I am sexual and I want to connect sexually. It's kind of driving me nuts...Again, why discuss as I have tried before and she just seems shut down, she does not seem to want to be sexual with anyone, she spends most time working. She has nothing to worry about as I pay all of the bills and I just cant seem to get through no matter what ..

What do I do, Take care of myself. In the past when I suggested counseling - she just says, if you take care of yourself and I take care of myself then everything will work out.
 

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sunchild 15, perhaps there is a glandular problem or she's working too hard. But, I have known several couples with the same problem. In each case, the W was having either an EA or PA and hiding it well. In one case, whe W his it so well that there was never any indication that she was cheating. The H found out about it, maybe, ten years later. D was the result. She, most likely, is a cake eater living a double life. Don't put up with it any longer. Its the 180 my man.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
We are both organic vegan. There is no EA or PA, however I do think it could be self induced stress, she tends to stay busy and have the ability to not relax, there is constant mission and perhaps its also perio-menopause, Its just bizarre but she is almost 53 years old. I do not know how to get through when I do initiate, she will just be non-responsive and then its followed by tired, what are you doing or some form of excuse. It is very frustrating as I have always been physical. But you can not make someone do anything they are not into. Its confusing to me to say the least... Its like everything else great, but there is not really anything I do or do not do that even makes an impact.
 

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There is no EA or PA, however
Those words have been muttered countless time here and over time have show it to be different. It's time for you to take the lead or settle for what you believe. Nothing will change unless you do.

Time to step up and swing away.
 

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We are both organic vegan. There is no EA or PA, however I do think it could be self induced stress, she tends to stay busy and have the ability to not relax, there is constant mission and perhaps its also perio-menopause, Its just bizarre but she is almost 53 years old. I do not know how to get through when I do initiate, she will just be non-responsive and then its followed by tired, what are you doing or some form of excuse. It is very frustrating as I have always been physical. But you can not make someone do anything they are not into. Its confusing to me to say the least... Its like everything else great, but there is not really anything I do or do not do that even makes an impact.

You say that with great assurance. Can you tell us how you've confirmed that? Or are you saying it because you believe it without confirming it?
 

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you can not make someone do anything they are not into.
Let me paraphrase. You cannot make someone do anyONE they are not into. Your wife is not "in to" you. You can ameliorate the sting of that fact by saying it's physical, it's stress, it's menopause, it's children....you can blame it on 1000 factors.... none of which are the REAL problem.

Your wife has done one of two things:

1) she has turned off her sex desire because she does not want sex with you; perhaps, she never did. She only wanted a comfort zone, knew you would spin the cocoon, and does not respect you enough to consider that YOU have needs, too.....

2) she has turned her sex desire toward someone else because she does not want sex with you, and she does not respect you enough to be a woman of her word who obeys her marital vows.

I agree with others here. 180. Hard, fast, shock and awe. Follow your wife's advice.....take care of YOURSELF.

sunchild15 said:
there is not really anything I do or do not do that even makes an impact.
Correct. And 180, or anything else, will never have an impact upon your wife, either. Only upon you.
 

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Before I join the pitchfork brigade, I want to be sure to clarify a few things, OP:

Is there any history, at all, of infidelity by either your wife or you?
Was the sex ever frequent, passionate, and engaged? If so, when did it stop being that way?
Are either of you suffering from any chronic illness, physical or mental? Is she on any long-term medications?
Has she seen a doctor regarding her hormone levels?
Was she married before? Why did that marriage end?
 

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What does NO SEX in Marriage Mean?
It means you have a financial agreement/business partnership with the potential to have a very nice friendship. It's not a marriage at least in my book, marriage implies intimacy.

Unless there is some sort of medical issue I would file. Life is too short.

Also don't assume there is no cheating, you wouldn't be the first.
 

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Obligatory link to the book I wrote for guys in your exact position: dadstartingover.com/the-dead-bedroom-fix . I am a sponsor of the forum and have many positive reviews on Amazon, Apple Books and Audible for the book. Good luck, my friend!
 

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How old is your daughter? Can you write up a summary of your relationship and what the intimacy was like along the way? You say it's been 3 years without sex. What was it like from the beginning until that point?

She seems very apathetic about this topic. Is she like that with the relationship in general? It sounds like you guys are at a roommate level in terms of emotional connection. That may be all she wants out of the relationship, so she's happy with the way things are.

Unfortunately, there aren't too many happy endings for stories like yours. You have a daughter so it's worth trying to save it, but make sure you have the right attitude about this. You need to be in the mindset that a good marriage has good intimacy and that both people should want that. Don't take on the responsibility of making her want to have sex. She should want that. It's what should be normal in a marriage. If she doesn't want it or you feel like you're forcing her to want it, then understand what that means for the state of the marriage and whether it's worth saving.
 

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Did she have an active interest in sex in the past, or was her interest always limited.

Any changes in health, medications (especially anti-depressants) etc?

Any changes in family - deaths in family, new children etc?

Did her interest stop suddenly, or gradually?
 

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Three undeniable TAM truths:

1) You can’t negotiate desire.
2) Sex for a man is PRIMARILY emotional, ejaculation is PRIMARILY physical.
3) LD partners always have the emotional upper hand until the HD takes/threatens to take their ball and goes home.

When it comes to sex in marriage, if both partners are not into enjoying it or get joy out of watching their spouse get-off then you need to look inward at what is robbing that joy (e.g. trauma, physical pain, fatigue, self-esteem, resentment, etc). Because at this point there is NO love in love-making. At some point, you WANTED to please your partner sexually and now you ambivalent/hostile towards it. That’s a huge rejection for man or woman. If you were dating, you’d likely get dumped.

I had to share with my wife that sex for me (and most men) is not what she thought. It was in the context of drifting apart. She has a hard enough time expressing love towards me aside from saying “i love you.” No flirting, love letters, touch, etc. Take away sex/sexual desire and that last connection is gone. My wife was shocked when I said it’s great you think about the future but that’s not a future I want.
 

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Three undeniable TAM truths:

1) You can’t negotiate desire.
2) Sex for a man is PRIMARILY emotional, ejaculation is PRIMARILY physical.
3) LD partners always have the emotional upper hand until the HD takes/threatens to take their ball and goes home.

When it comes to sex in marriage, if both partners are not into enjoying it or get joy out of watching their spouse get-off then you need to look inward at what is robbing that joy (e.g. trauma, physical pain, fatigue, self-esteem, resentment, etc). Because at this point there is NO love in love-making. At some point, you WANTED to please your partner sexually and now you ambivalent/hostile towards it. That’s a huge rejection for man or woman. If you were dating, you’d likely get dumped.

I had to share with my wife that sex for me (and most men) is not what she thought. It was in the context of drifting apart. She has a hard enough time expressing love towards me aside from saying “i love you.” No flirting, love letters, touch, etc. Take away sex/sexual desire and that last connection is gone. My wife was shocked when I said it’s great you think about the future but that’s not a future I want.
OP,

The above, and when she told you:

"if you take care of yourself and I take care of myself then everything will work out."

Ask her what she really means when saying that.

And unless she's asexual, then when she say she takes care of herself, what does she really mean?

Is she telling you to have sex outside the marriage, does she know it seems that way?
 

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As a 53 year old woman I can confirm that menopause has brought by libido way down. The mood swings, anxiety and depression from it, don't help either.

I'm not at completely zero as I will respond if I let myself, but I have to get my head into the idea first. There are no hormones to drive my desires.

I'm only chiming in as there doesn't need to be an EA or PA for someone to go off sex. It can be hormonal, it can be the state of the relationship, or it could be medication.
 

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So I am married and have been for 11 years. I feel like perhaps my wife is done with sex. She just continues to ignore any advances with I am tried or cant you see I want to sleep. Talking about it has not worked in the past because she avoids and deflects things back on me. Its as if everything seems fine, we talk create future plans, she speaks about all of these things like business, family, we watch movies, discuss ideas, life.. She just seems to have lost all interest in it. It's been over 3 years since any oral sex or regular sex. At night she goes to sleep, I have even told her I am going dancing, going out and she just does not seem to care too much in any way. She does not even seem jealous around anything and she just seems occupied with her work and what she wants to do.

I just have no idea what to do. I am sexual and we have a daughter and everything is great if you take sex out of the equation.

I do not want to convince, plead or beg her for intimacy. She works out and so do I, I do sports, lifting and work out and we are both healthy. I have tried asking her to go to counselor, I have even gone to counselor on my own and also other coaching.

It is frustrating though, I am sexual and I want to connect sexually. It's kind of driving me nuts...Again, why discuss as I have tried before and she just seems shut down, she does not seem to want to be sexual with anyone, she spends most time working. She has nothing to worry about as I pay all of the bills and I just cant seem to get through no matter what ..
It is possible she's asexual (although that's exceedingly rare). It's also possible she's depressed or something.

What is more probable just based on this is that she's not that into you any more.

What do I do, Take care of myself. In the past when I suggested counseling - she just says, if you take care of yourself and I take care of myself then everything will work out.
And now I'm thinking that her version of taking care of herself might involve some help from a third party.

Let me tell you a story. I've told it here before. I had a buddy years ago come over with his wife and kids for a BBQ. He pulls me aside and tells me he's adjusting to his new lifestyle - because his wife has declared herself to be asexual. And he loves her and he's trying to support her through this. He's reading books, websites, the whole deal trying to depersonalize all this.

A couple weeks later his wife shows up on my doorstop and hits on me hard. Claims her husband won't sleep with her. I just laughed and threw her out. Told him. He doesn't believe me. We stop talking because he's mad and trying to support his wife and I'm just stirring up trouble and making up stories.

A while after that, he discovers that after I said no to her, she hit up his best friend. Who was married, and didn't say no to her.

Turns out she liked sex just fine. Just not with him.

Alternatively, if she is in fact just taking care of herself, that also means that she likes sex just fine, just not with you involved. Which is better than cheating, but is almost as problematic. Not masturbation per se, but preferring it over sex with you. Especially when you're wanting it so desperately.
 

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As a 53 year old woman I can confirm that menopause has brought by libido way down. The mood swings, anxiety and depression from it, don't help either.

I'm not at completely zero as I will respond if I let myself, but I have to get my head into the idea first. There are no hormones to drive my desires.

I'm only chiming in as there doesn't need to be an EA or PA for someone to go off sex. It can be hormonal, it can be the state of the relationship, or it could be medication.

More TAM rules....

#4 No testosterone = no sexual desire
#5 Birth control and anti-depression meds are libido killers



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Alternatively, if she is in fact just taking care of herself, that also means that she likes sex just fine, just not with you involved. Which is better than cheating, but is almost as problematic. Not masturbation per se, but preferring it over sex with you. Especially when you're wanting it so desperately.

It’s quite possible she has an avoidant attachment style/disorder



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It’s quite possible she has an avoidant attachment style/disorder



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Which just means that she's currently unable to fulfill her side of being married. It might not be her fault, but it is her accountability to get herself in somewhat working order before their marriage ends.

For me the fact she was trying would mean more than if she succeeded. If she didn't even try, even if it wasn't her fault, I'd be out.
 
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