what does anyone think to this? cos its driving me mad

1336 Views 13 Replies 13 Participants Last post by Cosmos, Oct 23, 2012

amithatbad

Discussion Starter · Oct 22, 2012

Hi all, Im new here and have no one else to talk to.

Im 33 and my husband is 34 we have been married for almost 12years together for 15 years. We have a daughter who is 5

My husband and I have been going throught a very difficult time. Our problems were initially financial which caused a lot of resentment and stress. I was never good at balancing the books and was always too soft at letting him have everything he wanted. So in short we spent a lot more than we had and racked up a lot of debt. My husband says i've lyed about our finances he has no respect for me and blames me for not having control of the finances although he aknowleges he spent most of the money he said if id kept him in the picture he wouldnt have so blames me for this too.

Thankfully with a bit of help and a lot of hard work were just about sorted financially.:smthumbup:

our issues dont end there, in the bedroom my husband thinks im dead from the neck down, despite me always having been adventurous and tried just about everything.(noting in fifty shades of grey shocked me)
I admit i am a very private person and find it hard to discus sex openly.
I dont have a massive sex drive but i do enjoy sex. I have never ever been unfaithful but my husband is so insanely jealous and insecure it drives me crackers. he never believes me and says things like im only having sex because its my duty to do it.
Recently hes encouraged me to mastrbate (when im alone) so i can get to know what i like down there. I was initially against this because i felt disloyal to him but i agreed. When i casually mentioned that I had, he wanted to know and started quizzing me for all the details, like how, when, where, who was i thinking of etc.

I wasnt really happy telling him and tried to make light of it and play it down, making out it was when he popped to the gym but when he realised it was actually very late one evening while he was sleeping hit the roof. Now in his eyes im a "disrespectful bare faced liar" who'd "rather frig myself than have sex with him"

to top this off he says he doesnt fancy me and thinks i should lose weight. I have gained about 8 - 10 pounds recently im 5ft 7and about 150lbs (I was 142lbs when I left school at 16 and on the day we got married at age 21), he keeps referring to when I was fit. Yes I do fluctuate 10 or so pounds (except during pregnancy) but ive never been skinny or massive but fairly stable and have clothes in my drawers from 10 years ago which fit.

There are many other things yaht he gets on at me about, he ofetn says things like theres no wonder I have no friends, i must be horrible and lie to them, if ever our daughter get out of line its all my fault for being too soft on her.
he naggs about the state of the house hes ver fussy !, (I work full time)
He says i nerver do anything to take care of myself, If i get a hair cut he takes the credit for him having pursuaded me.

He says he loves me and doesnt want to leave me but every time something like this blows up he spends 4 days in a sulk with me walking on egg shells and geting a cold shoulder and a load of abusive texts.
I really do love him and dont wan to give up on him but......i could just cry.... im so exasperated...will he ever trust me with money again, curb the jealousy and stop being so picky or is my life doomed for years more of the same emotional merry go round

thoughts are welcommed I thow there isnt an easy answer to this

Thanks x

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LastUnicorn

· #2 · Oct 22, 2012

Why do you feel you love someone who treats you this way? Or are you in love with the old him prior to all these negative behaviors? Was he always this lame?

Love is just a word, like sandwich. With no good ingredients between the bread, its not at all fulfilling.

There is a serious problem if you allow anyone in your life to belittle you, set you up to fail, and doesn't show you respect. With a spouse, that level of care, consideration and yes common courtesy is a must. Its a base foundation for something more to be built on.

No real advice here, other than you need to at least stand up for yourself and demand the basic interaction he would give a stranger on the street, much less someone he professes to 'love'.

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F-102

· #3 · Oct 22, 2012

There is nothing wrong with you. This guy is obviously an emotional, financial and verbal abuser.

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I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

· #4 · Oct 22, 2012

Your husband is emotionally abusive to you.

I was in a very bad marriage and my ex was always telling me how fat I was(I wasn't) and how worthless I was. He always said no one else likes me and I was lucky to have him. My ex was also very unfaithful, but the emotional abuse was enough to leave the marriage.

I met a very honorable man and we have had a wonderful 12 years of marriage so far. He's the complete opposite of my ex. My husband welcomed my daughter with open arms and raised her as his own. My daughter never had support from my ex and he emotionally abused her as well. She's in therapy because of it. My ex is completely out of the picture. He no longer let's my daughter talk to her siblings(his other children with his current wife). My ex is more abusive now to his current wife then he was with me and it was pure hell living with him. I do believe my ex h is a sociopath as well with diagnosed BPD.

Your better off leaving this guy and finding yourself an honorable man. Use this as a learning lesson and you'll know what to look for next time. The red flags are there, don't overlook or ignore them. Good luck.

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IrishGirlVA

· #5 · Oct 22, 2012

F-102 said:
There is nothing wrong with you. This guy is obviously an emotional, financial and verbal abuser.

:iagree:

That's it in a nutshell. And I like what LastUnicorn had to say. This man sets you up to fail.

He takes absolutely NO responsibility for his actions and you are left holding the bag of crap that he dishes out.

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DayDream

· #6 · Oct 22, 2012

F-102 said:
There is nothing wrong with you. This guy is obviously an emotional, financial and verbal abuser.

THis...

:iagree:

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amithatbad

Discussion Starter · #7 · Oct 22, 2012

I feel so sad reading your responses, although none of them have shocked me.
It hurts me to think how cruel he can be one minute and so lovely the next.
He has good sides, and then theres my little girl, how do I take her away from her daddy who she adores. In the past ive considered leaving him but then he makes threats about taking her from me, using hte excuse his waelthy parents could pay for the best solisitors and he has a better paid job than me.
Its such a scary sad time.
I ohten wonder if he has a mood disorder. His sistare is bi polar and they certainly share some traint, he refuses to see a doctor.
In the past ive spoken to his parents about his ways and theyve tried to talk to him,, this has always back fired and makes him angry. Hes forbid me to talk to them about thinngs now.
I used to talk to my sister but unfortunately she has a habit of speaking her mind and dropping me in it, Its not intentional but she doesnt realise he is such a good head worker he can extract minute details and twist them around to suit himself.
My sister is also biased, she lived with an abusive partner for years, hers was physically abusive though. Its made her an incredibly strong woman but not ever so tackful (woman scorned)

as you can tell its a bad day, i can real off the negatives so easily
thanks for allowing me time and space to get this off my chest

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RDL

· #8 · Oct 22, 2012

Allow me to mention an analogy to help you understand your situation better.

In a lab experiment rats in cages built with a lever had to pull that lever in order to receive food.
In one type of cage pulling the lever discharged food every time while in another set the lever discharged food only a few times at random.

As expected the rats with the 100% food delivery soon learned of it and pulled the lever only when needed and neglected it the rest of the time. The others however where working the lever frantically.

This randomness of reward system affects your relationship as well. Your partners hot and cold behavior is like a random reward system that you work on frantically to get the bits of affection you sorely need. This phenomenon works so well in relationships that some (in my opinion misguided) relationship materials even recommend doling out affection as to not let your partner take you for granted. This being the other side of things with it's own set of challenges. It's like a power struggle in most couples about who controls the affection.

It has similarities even with drugs. When he's loving it feels extremely good as you are usually starved for affection, that's the high and the comedown which follows when he's being abusive.

You see this pattern in many abusive relationships between spouses, parents and children and even friends.

What you are experiencing for him is closer to addiction than to love. Your abusive relationship is a habit with good and bad cycles with an overall negative downwards spiral. As such it's difficult to break just like a habit.

As to how to address the situation. There are two paths that come to mind with one being much more feasible than the other.

1. you can break the habit and exit the relationship. Difficult step.

2. you can stand up for yourself to balance the power in your relationship. Practically this is a lot less feasible as your partner will likely not give up the power he's used to without a fight and he has the experience and the confidence from mistreating you for years.

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Emerald

· #9 · Oct 23, 2012

Horribly abusive & possible bipolar if his sister is - bipolar runs rampant in families. My advise is to get him to a doctor for a proper dx or create an exit plan that include family & friends because leaving an abuser is the worst time for the victim.

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Runs like Dog

· #10 · Oct 23, 2012

Not Bipolar of any kind. More like paranoid narcissist. A bully and a tyrant.

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waiwera

· #11 · Oct 23, 2012

OP - marriage isn't mean't to be like this.
Your H should be your best friend and your biggest cheerleader.

I think abusive bully is an excellent description here...

I'm sorry I can't think of anything constructive to offer you. I just feel sad that you live this way and that your daughter sees this behavior modeled to her... for her to learn how men treat their wives.

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daisygirl 41

· #12 · Oct 23, 2012

Wow he's a real piece of work.
I really feel for you.
Sorry I don't know what to advise but didn't want to read and run!
Posted via Mobile Device

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tm84

· #13 · Oct 23, 2012

F-102 said:
There is nothing wrong with you. This guy is obviously an emotional, financial and verbal abuser.

:iagree:

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Cosmos

· #14 · Oct 23, 2012

Your husband sounds emotionally, sexually and financially abusive.

You could either try MC (which, sadly, rarely works with abusers, because it often gives them more ammo with which to abuse), or think very carefully about whether or not you are prepared to spend the rest of your life with a man like this.

Nobody deserves this sort of treatment from a spouse, OP.

Emotional Abuse Quiz
Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

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