[whitehawk]

Hi people.
We separated 3mths ago and she moved out 1mth ago. Her doing, lots of factors least of all not this new crowd she's into - and I suspect an MC in there to , BUT mostly , it was about us . We talked and talked over that 2mths before and it always came back to us big time.
And I admit I 'd been a major A//H to her for a few yrs now , mainly due to our struggling, pressure and her changes , I just felt distant and wanted it to , well I got it in the end.
But I was starting to turn again , the pressures in our lives were subsiding and stuff was just beginning to get easier.
I was planning on a new lease of tlc , us time again , i realized what I'd been like and when all this came out it had hurt her very very deeply for 2 -3 yrs.
She was right and once I started getting through my anger over her quitting on us I began to realize just how much I did hurt her.
Councelers also pointed out that everyone has a different level of just how much they can mentally go through in lifes tough times as we'd been living until just recently, as well as relationship stuff and that she'd had a very good dose of both.
They've said 2-3 yrs of hard marriage alone is usually enough for most.

And so lately , with everything considered, plus realizing just how I've been with her for quite awhile before , I dunno my anger has eased and I almost feel like we're even in many ways. I do still think she quit and especially seems as the struggles were all about getting a house in her area , which she leaves 12mths later , but she's also been through a hell of a lot to.
The thing is now , well first we have our daughter , 11, so we've tried to keep civil and casual around her but , we also just naturally get along , really well .
So once my anger started to fade a bit , we had to call and stuff - daughter - all our loose ends , we started slipping back into just our natural gear. Sometimes we're on the phone for hrs . Sometimes babe or I love you's slip out , and when she came over on the w'e she came straight up and cuddled and wouldn't break it , I had trouble to . It's like the slips ups and like oops , hang on we're separated better stop .
It was so nice to hold her , I almost pashed her forgetting for a second there.
From there we stepped back and started talking and once again just flew off into our usual chit chat and for awhile again it's like we were just all still here , in the kitchen , any other day. And she had trouble leaving to , we all did ,and stopping it I could see it.
The other thing is she still cares what I think , why would u if u left.? And she's even concertned i've change the house a bit and bought some new **** like , didn't u like the way I set it up for us ?

But I'm not sure how I'm suppose to be now. My angers turned into understanding of not only her wrong now , but all of mine that set it off. And then there's our naturalness , that we've always had, it's just there even under these circumstances, hurt and emotions and still just gets away from us as easy as 1 2 3.
I have no clue now , on just how I'm supposed to b , what's best if there is a best for our situation.
Or maybe we find ourselves again one day if I just go with the flow, got no idea.

Any thoughts , advice .

 

[whitehawk]

again ,,,, no answers wtf ????. i think everyone here hates me .

 

[oncehisangel]

hey white,

I was wondering if you are having IC for you? IM doing it and I think in AUS. we get ten free sessions..its actually not bad..it keeps you centred through the storm.


I think you still have hope-because she's open to talking. But I'd keep 180'ng it to get her really interested. Just maybe a milder version.

She does sound really midlifey-how old is she again?

Midlife is a patience thing... I read somewhere that you should acknowledge how confused they must be ...keep it to one line..shell remember that you are validating her feelings.

Question....if she came back-you'd want it better than before right?

So you need to divorce the old you and her.

But to start again and to make her curious...I really think that you have to not be as available and work on those changes you are making.

You don't want to settle for same ol same ol and possibly end up where you are again.

And what's the crowd she's hanging out with? Is there anyone else?


ps..noone hates you..I think they are nigh-nighs

 

[whitehawk]

ahh angel ur a sweetie , and with ur drammas , thanks.
nahh they're probably as confused and conflicting as i've been through all this and their own
my thoughts change like whether along this crazy ride , there's so many factors to in my situation . sometimes i wish it was a simple cut n dry screw around.

there was and is a friend. she swore it was just friends but everything written tells u that's lies and i thought it was but i've since found out on the side it has been 100% platonic . the rest of them are just new work friends and very midlife crisis'ing .

I've mixed it up in clubs bc i was scared she might snoop but no she's actually 39. And guess what , early menopausing , yep . Plus , she's had 2 operations this yr ., more confusion !

Yeah I hear u and the causes for my moods and stress are pretty well finished now , add new understandings , i wouldn't be concerned on that. But i'm also with Secrettears to right now and aren't even sure if I'd go there again anyway.

 

[whitehawk]

It'd be nice to know though just how I'm suppose to feel and be around her right now though . It's so weird isn't it , a mix of despise , guilt , sympathy , love/hate , for me anyway,

 

[oncehisangel]

sounds like your normal.

just be cool, calm. controlled. not nasty.

no relationship talk for a bit

no asking where she goes

no telling too much about you

just reserved I guess.

I have mine coming tomorrow to work on the house. Ill keep my distance-there will be blokes everywhere. So it wont be too hard

 

[Dewayne76]

Exactly. Keep calm and cool. Maybe dispassionate? I think I know what that one is. Um... keep the 180, maybe with compassion. BE NICE, but not too nice, ya know?

The most underlying problem I see us doing, is trying to do what WE THINK is the right thing to do, which is to hold them, coddle them (coddle? IDK know what that truly means lol) um.. you know, the typical "I love you more than 'w/e"'s. KEEP THAT SH>T OUT!! DO IT!! I'm not kidding.

IN THESE times, we don't need that. Keep it separate. I don't know exactly WHEN the right time is to switch gears, but you need to be a friend that's distant at this point in time. IF she comes to you to hold, you need to kinda... shrug it off. Turn it into a hug and say "i'm sorry, we need to keep this proper. We're separated." No lovey dovey stuff until you're working on R... and R (Reconcile) is a HUGE step, with discussion of boundaries, rules etc. ALSO there must be complete transparency. Swap all PW's to all email and FB accounts, sharing phones etc. If all this is going to be a problem, even thinking of R is a no no. Shouldn't have to hide anything when you're trying to make a go of it.

KEEP CALM! For yourself. first and foremost. DON"T let it get to you. When people are foggy, (my term not meaning "the Fog") they are tricky to work with. You never know what's coming out the other side, but you know what? Very little you can do to change her mind. However, changing the outcome is very possible, but you have to listen to folks on here. If Conrad or someone says "Hey, be calm and proper, stop doing 'this' or 'that'... trust him and do it"

Good luck.

 

[Hermes]

As everyone else said, be calm, cool and dispassionate around her. You have to let her come to you. Let her own her own drama right now. She may be going through a midlife crisis. She may have another man on the side and be playing the game with you unhtil it is stable with him. No one knows. Just move forward with working on you right now. Be interesting, fun and calm. I know I have pushed my wife further into this guys arms because I can not control my anger around her. Do not do that. Just relax. It hurts. It is hard. Just suck it up. be the bigger man. Above all else, patience.


good luck my friend. Please remember, ask here before you do anything crazy with her. These things play out like a script and MANY people on here have been through it. There is a lot of good advice that you will get. Just be open and listen. A LOT of it is counter intuitive.

 

[whitehawk]

Thanks so much people , so appreciated. Yep this place is a God sent no doubt about it . You don't wanna drag ur friends into ur crap too much either do ya , especially happy ones- actually , if u have any that is , mine were all mixed in with her and she wins here so it's over and out right now.
Well ,much clearer now thanks so much again and guess what , looks like I've been doing it sorta right anyway.
But I so know what u mean to H , l was that f'g angry when she hit me with this ****, lost it - who wouldn't though l say so stuff it who cares but it did push her further away to. Pretty well affirms their decision if ur not careful but hey she was going anyway so to hell with that.
Howard Hughs had it right,
" What your leaving me yet you expect graciousness - well Fk you lady "

ln the last few wks before she left though l turned it round and thought to hell with this garbage I'm not squirming or raging over her anymore.

And that's pretty well stuck now. I don't ask what she's doing , or who , to be honest I don't wanna f'n know anyway, scared of what l might hear too. Mind u , a bit of private investigating earlier on , no more though and I don't say mine, seems to bug her a bit, nice .

I'll b back , guess who's just rocked up !!!!!!

False alarm - neighbor .

Good luck today Angel , hope it's not too rough on you - hey , sounds like perfect 180 conditions on that one .

 

[Serenity_Prayer]

I get what you mean. STBX hasn't moved out yet and right now we're both on opposite ends of the couch. Me on the computer and him playing video games. Cozy as it was before, but shows why we are where we are. Sometimes we have conversations like old friends. We want to keep it civil for the kids plus we are still living in the same house, but I can't wait for him to move out so we can keep things more separate as they should be. It's about what's familiar, but we need to keep it distant and get on with our new lives.

 

[whitehawk]

On the one couch couldn't have bared that. Lucky we had one on one side of the lounge and one on the other. Yeah I agree and in the end just couldn't wait for her to get the hell out if that's how it was going to be.
It got really bazaar in the end and it was just time.
I was going to go away for the last 2 wks of it it got so uncomfortable and creepy but I decided to stay and we were both glad I did. For what it was at least we were still a family of sorts for my daughter for 2 wks longer.

 

[oncehisangel]

you're doing great white.H

hang tough

 

[whitehawk]

Thanks angel and you too hey. Day at a time as they say.