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Can it be that some guys just don’t want to discuss what is going on with women?

I stay off the Ladies Lounge for this reason. If they want a place to post with just the girls why should I intrude myself.
 

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Sooo... letting the dust settle. Reading the comments.

Long story short- I take the kids to school... do my home chores... WORK my part-time business (service related... my scheduling pertains 100% to my customer's needs)... get booked out 2 months...wife asks- 'What's going on... you look bleak?'

My exact words- "Yeah. I am overbooked. It's a bit stressful."

I said that because- When people call you for jobs... you do the job as soon as you can or you lose the business. There's always- 'Oh, I am sorry, I know I scheduled this 2 weeks ago but my ****ter's full and I can't buy the Christmas presents.' Soooo... you not only loose one job (the present customer) but you actually lost 2 jobs... the present one and the one you could have scheduled.

THEN the wife pulls out some psycho ap on her phone to analyze you for you being 'stressed' about it.

I can't be 'stressed' but she can be a an absolute * every 4 days of the month? Get out of here with- 'Oh, I'm a girl and I know you don't know about hormones'.

That's love?
You get what you tolerate. Don’t tolerate crappy behavior. But at the same time, don’t be emotionally reactive to it either. Be above it. When she’s acting crappy, just smile, give her a kiss, pat on the head and remove yourself and find something better to do.
Remove your time and attention until she chooses to be pleasant again (or asks to talk through the situation if there’s an actual conflict involved).

It’s your responsibility to lead your relationship dynamics in your marriage. You need to set expectations and boundaries for your marriage and your life.

Fundamentally, you can’t expect your wife to be your emotional support. I know it’s unfair, but that’s the way it is. If you want emotional support, get it from other men.
Your wife expects you to be strong, capable and confident.
 

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You get what you tolerate. Don’t tolerate crappy behavior. But at the same time, don’t be emotionally reactive to it either. Be above it. When she’s acting crappy, just smile, give her a kiss, pat on the head and remove yourself and find something better to do.
Remove your time and attention until she chooses to be pleasant again (or asks to talk through the situation if there’s an actual conflict involved).

It’s your responsibility to lead your relationship dynamics in your marriage. You need to set expectations and boundaries for your marriage and your life.

Fundamentally, you can’t expect your wife to be your emotional support. I know it’s unfair, but that’s the way it is. If you want emotional support, get it from other men.
Your wife expects you to be strong, capable and confident.
That is good wisdom there sir!
 

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Discussion Starter · #25 ·
You get what you tolerate. Don’t tolerate crappy behavior. But at the same time, don’t be emotionally reactive to it either. Be above it. When she’s acting crappy, just smile, give her a kiss, pat on the head and remove yourself and find something better to do.
Remove your time and attention until she chooses to be pleasant again (or asks to talk through the situation if there’s an actual conflict involved).

It’s your responsibility to lead your relationship dynamics in your marriage. You need to set expectations and boundaries for your marriage and your life.

Fundamentally, you can’t expect your wife to be your emotional support. I know it’s unfair, but that’s the way it is. If you want emotional support, get it from other men.
Your wife expects you to be strong, capable and confident.
Again... letting the dust settle.

Just so I get exactly where you are coming from....

A.) Lie to my wife... when she asks me, point blank- "What's going on?.... You look bleak?"

B.) Set boundaries so she doesn't ask my feelings... and if she happens to... just vent on some male friends? (Hey, Bob, I haven't seen you in 2 months but damn, I'm a mental **** show because I have a backlog of work and I can't seem to... That's what I'm supposed to unload on 'my buddies?' )


And BTW... I gave her jazz over the Phone app for everything "mental" prescription she seems/ seemed to have. BELIEVE me... she's not gonna bring that up again.


I guess... if NOT expecting my wife to be "some" "sort" of emotional support in my marriage... then wtf did I get married?
 

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I bet your wife has a hard time communicating with you. You are approaching your relationship from a position of self defense. I promise that is coming through in your tone when you speak to her. It sounds as though you have some huge resentments to unpack.
 

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I think everyone, men and women, at times, get bored in a long-term relationship/marriage. I know there are times that I did. There are times, my wife did.

We took a pragmatic approach. Together we explored doing new things together. Visited other states and countries, did new activities together, etc.

For me, once our kids moved out, I started to not be "safe" or "dad" anymore. I think both of us identified with being Mom or Dad, as our primary identity for 22 years.

I bought a motorcycle and some of the "bad boy" persona I had when younger and in the military, came back. This re-started her engine and personal desire for me immediately. She rides with me occasionally and she gives me that demure "you're so bad" line and then surrenders.
 

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In all seriousness... what or how did you proceed, in your marriage, once you realized that the woman you loved... was not capable of returning the love you were able to give due to the length of time in the relationship, her hormones (depending on time of month), and all the ills you placed onto her being via your own personality?
Biggest takeaway I’ve gotten from TAM is avoiding covert contracts and not lighting yourself on fire to warm your partner.

I also realized that it’s likely you may outgrow each other but you can’t drag someone out of their bubble. Don’t sabotage your own growth to enable someone to sit on their hands. Distance is relative. If you’re not growing and staying put, than you will grow apart. The grower looks back and sees someone choosing to stay put and distancing themselves. There’s a difference between growing and getting old together and vs growing old together. The latter implies “I don’t want to grow or be lonely.”

We tend to let “it’s never good enough” be a one-way roadblock. By that I mean many partners use “not good enough” or “it’s fine” and get offended as a way to end the discussion (usually sex not but always) and the other must be happy with what they have and drop it. Yet they can’t apply the same logic when discussing what their partner wants for lifestyle upgrades. The LL asking for the upgrade will usually not stop at hearing what they have is good enough. So if they can set a boundary for “what we have is good enough” that must be respected, than so can I.


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