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So i have caught my wife cheating...texts/emails - unsure if they slept together, but i do know they kissed and she is/was engaging him frequently through texts. To me, this still constitutes cheating.

She does know that i know. In fact, i am playing her right now until i figure out the right thing to do. I actually got our house listed for sale (got her to do the grunt work :), but i do need figure out next steps.

My plan is to tell her this coming week what i know. Now the issue is, do i leave? I travel for business a lot, and we have two kids. If i tell her to get out, then i am screwed. No family to assist...

Does me leaving jeopardize me in anyway? I figure that by getting the house listed is protecting me somewhat. But wondering if i should not say anything until the house is sold?? She needs the money, so her interest in selling the house is there - she does not work, and will be 100% dependent on me to pay the house bills, while i live somewhere else and pay for that too...

Maybe the wrong forum...but thought i would see what anyone thoughts are?
 

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Sorry your here under these circumstances

A tried and proven process is:

Gather evidence, secure it so your wife does not delete it.
Confront , dont reveal your source. You are making statements not having a conversation.
Expose , do not tell her what your doing or when

Give her a set of recovery requirements to follow:
NC letter, no contact for life, a time line of the affair, all mail and phone accounts are accessable by you

Dont go to MC until you have verified the affair is over , on most occations the affair goes underground and they aquire hidden phones etc.

Practice zero tolerance of the affair and wage war on it.

Even if you choose to D , dont mention this untill you are well prepared and have done everything to damage the affair .

See a doctor for your own well being

I will post a link to a newbie thread that give insightful information.
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Don't leave home, if anyone leaves she does .

Play the leave card after you have exposed and shone a light on the affair.
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Excellent advice above.
Also see a lawyer to ensure you're not jeopardizing any rights. Find out as much as you can about the OM. STI tests. Secure half of your bank assets in your name only.
 

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So i have caught my wife cheating...texts/emails - unsure if they slept together, but i do know they kissed and she is/was engaging him frequently through texts. To me, this still constitutes cheating.

She does know that i know. In fact, i am playing her right now until i figure out the right thing to do. I actually got our house listed for sale (got her to do the grunt work :), but i do need figure out next steps.

My plan is to tell her this coming week what i know. Now the issue is, do i leave? I travel for business a lot, and we have two kids. If i tell her to get out, then i am screwed. No family to assist...

Does me leaving jeopardize me in anyway? I figure that by getting the house listed is protecting me somewhat. But wondering if i should not say anything until the house is sold?? She needs the money, so her interest in selling the house is there - she does not work, and will be 100% dependent on me to pay the house bills, while i live somewhere else and pay for that too...

Maybe the wrong forum...but thought i would see what anyone thoughts are?
She knows that you know? And you are going to tell her WHAT you know? If she knows that you know, what's the point?

If you want to reconcile with her and save your marriage, there is one course of action. If you want to divorce, just see the lawyer and get the ball rolling. Which do you want?

If you want to save the marriage:

1. Find out how to contact the other man's wife and expose the affair to other man's wife. Do not tell your wife ahead of time, just do it. If he has no wife, expose to his parents, close family and friends - those who can influence him - and let them know he is having an affair with your wife and breaking up your previously happy family. If your wife asks you how you could do such a thing, tell her that you are fighting for her and you are fighting for the marriage and family, and all you did was tell the truth. If she was ashamed of her actions and didn't want them known, she shouldn't have done them.

2. After exposing other man, get your wife alone, no kids, no interruptions. Tell her that if she wants to save the marriage, she has 15 minutes to agree to meet your conditions or else you will file for divorce and she can pack up her stuff and go live with the other man. Tell her you love her and you want to improve yourself and improve your marriage and you are willing to work hard to do so, but not while she is having an affair with the other man. Here are the conditions:

3. She must handwrite a no contact letter to the other man stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking losing you, her husband, who is the most important person in the world to her, and that if other man ever attempts to contact her again in any way shape or form, that she will file harassment charges against him. This is the content of the letter, nothing more, nothing less. It begins with other man's name, it ends, "signed" and her name. It contains no terms of endearment, no sorry it didn't work out, nothing else. She gives the letter to you for editing and mailing.

4. She gives you access to all communication devices and accounts, all passwords. She lets you know her whereabouts 24/7. She does not delete any emails, messages, texts, or calls from her devices or accounts - everything gets saved. If you find out anything has been deleted, you will assume the worst. There is no place for secrecy in a marriage. You have agreed to share your lives together. You can have privacy when you go to the bathroom, but there should be nothing phoned, messaged, or texted that your spouse shouldn't be able to see. Married people don't have things to hide from each other. Many if not most married people are NOT constantly checking up on each other, although they could. Would you care if your wife looked at your email or text messages? Would you care if she asked you where you were going or with whom? This is normal stuff EXCEPT for cheaters.

5. She blocks other man on facebook, deletes him from contacts, blocks his number on email, does everything possible to block him from her accounts. Same thing with her toxic friend.

6. She handwrites a letter of apology to you.

7. She gets tested for STDs and gives you the results.

8. If you want the details, she tells you the whole truth about the affair, when it started, how it started, and WHY it started, etc. Tell her to handwrite a timeline of the affair, starting with the first inappropriate contact, and ending with the last time she had contact with him. If the story doesn't make sense, she will take a polygraph to prove her truthfulness.

9. Your wife should destroy all of the clothing she wore when she hooked up with the other man. Shoes, dresses, lingerie, pocketbooks, jewelry, etc. It's a consequence of her cheating. When people know there will be negative consequences, they are less likely to repeat the action. It helps you to feel she truly is repentant and not just giving you lip service. It helps her to make amends to you in a material tangible way, which will make her feel better if she is truly sorry for what she did to you.

Tell your wife that you cannot control her. You can only control yourself and what you are willing and not willing to accept in a marriage, and how you react to her actions.

Cheaters are liars. They say anything to get what they want. Talk is cheap. Make her do these actions to show she really wants to save her marriage to you. Do not accept any verbal promises unless they are backed up by actions.

If she doesn't agree to these conditions, file for divorce. She really is not remorseful, not interested in committing to you, just interested in appeasing you with words. Divorce is a long process, if she later agrees to your conditions, you can postpone it to work on your marriage. If she is not willing to accept these conditions, which, if you really look at them, are not that much of a sacrifice on her part to save the marriage and which pale in comparison to what you will have to live with, then you are going to wind up getting divorced down the road anyway; might as well do it now and get it over with and save yourself weeks, months, or maybe even years of the pain of trying to negotiate with a lying cheater.

If she does agree, buy a few voice-activated recorders and put them under the seat of her car and in a place in the house where she is likely to talk to the other man when you are not around. Keylog the computer. This is to verify that the affair truly has ended. You should keep it up until you are comfortable in ending it, but monitor closely for at least two weeks.

Trust is important in marriage. Constantly monitoring is not healthy. However, in the initial few weeks after infidelity is discovered, it can be extremely healthy and helpful in restoring trust. You can cut down on the monitoring as you continue to discover nothing and your trust builds. Or you could catch her continuing the affair, which would save you a lot of time and trouble and heartache.

If it weren't for the kids, I would say just dump her, she is more trouble than she's worth.

If you think it would help, expose the affair to her and your families and friends. Tell them other man's name, that your wife admitted that she had an affair, and you have no way of knowing that the affair still is going on or not but that because your wife keeps deleting her messages with other man, you think it probably is. Ask for their support of your marriage and your family. Definitely do this if you find out the affair is ongoing after she agreed to cease contact with other man.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thanks for the replies. I made a typo: She does NOT know i know.

I have already secured bank accounts, assets etc. I put Key Logging software on our computer which was able to get me passwords to her phone bill showing all the texts. Her phone is what she uses the most and she just changed her password again.

I found an email last night to HIM that basically says he has brushed her off now. All day yesterday, my wife was in tears, saying how she loves me, blah blah. This came literally within an hour of her letting HIM know how pissed she is with him.

I have to leave due to my travel for work...I cant jeopardize my job (My bosses know of my situation). I am going to be speaking to a lawyer this week to ensure i dont screw myself.

Thank you for your recommendations if we do decide to get back together,Thank you. What is sad is that her first true love cheated on her, and when discussed, she has said that she would not tolerate anything from me. I am not going to tell her how i know, and in fact i am not going to reveal any details that would point to a certain text or email.

W is actually going away for a few days to visit her friend (not where that guy lives), and i am planning to tell her then. That way, i can pack my things and when she gets back, i will be gone. Reason for this approach is that I know she will blow a gasket - and I dont want the kids to hear anything. They have before and it makes me very sad. I have made the last 2 weeks in the house the best as possible so that the kids wont remember us fighting and then seeing me leave. I will also be able to control the message to the kids. I am not going to throw "mommy" under the bus as they wont be able to understand at their age yet, but will message it so they dont think it has anything to do with them. Wife has not ability to deliver tough messages and dont need her saying the wrong thing.

Thanks again - just seems this is an all to common issue these days. Never thought i would be in this position in a million years.
 

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Hi,

If I were a betting man I would lay every penny I have that there has been more than kissing. You won't want to hear that - more still you won't want to believe it.

There is zero point in telling her anything other than that you know she has been cheating. From hard won and very bitter experience, any other route leads to lies.

Assume the worst when you are talking to her, but don't be accusatory. Make out that you know *everything* and by that, I mean the worst possible scenario.

You are just on the beginning of a bloody hard road and, no matter what you *think* you know, when you hear her admit it *will* floor you.

If you cannot be away from your job; bear this in mind.

Good luck; keep posting. None of us here thought it would happen to us, many of us have been through what you are about to and we understand - even if we don't always agree on the correct thing to do.

You have found the right place I am just sorry that you had to find it in the first place.

Stay frosty.
 

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How far is the wife's friend? Is she (friend) close to your location or close to OM even if its not same city? Do you care if the wife calls or visits the OM when you tell her your plans?

How are you going to pack and leave when you break this to her? What will you do about the kids? Will they be with her or with you when you make a break for it?
 

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Affairs run hot and cold. They may be broken up today but together again with lots of making up. But even if they are truly broken up and she wants to recommit to you it puts you in 2nd place to him.

It's good that you have your children in mind. She is still their mommy and aoways will be. As you eill alwayscremain their daddy. So try to minimize the venom when you let her know that you haven't been blind.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
The plan is that W is headed to a visit a friend in a much further away city than even where we currently are at to the city she met this other guy.

When she lands, i will let her know to check her email. My email will be very simple and not attacking. I wills state i know and i am moving out at the end of the month. As well, i am informing her to not come home until the end of the month. If she decides to come home still then i will leave somewhere. Either way, the kids will be looked after. I even have W working to get some babysitting lined for the kids so i can get some things done to the house...little does she know i will actually use that time to find a place to stay and hopefully start to move.

We signed the papers last night to sell the house - now she is freaking out about where are we going to go. What is interesting is how she was pursuing a job in the city as that guy. After reading an email from W to him the other day, he obviously is not interested in her anymore. Now her push to move to that city is not as intense...

What is so sad for me is that i now see the old W i knew. The guy is obviously out of the mix now, and she has gone back to her old self. I keep telling myself i am doing the right thing, but then question it 100X! I cant forgive her actions right now, I dont trust her and i know that if this guy did try to do more with her, she would be all in. I am and my kids are second/third/fourth in her priorities, and that is something i cant not forgive. Maybe one day i will, but knowing me - that would take a lot of therapy!!

This coming Thursday evening is when i will be delivering the news. Until then, i am enjoying some family moments, taking it all in. I am so going to miss what we had - just destroys me to think about it....maybe i am making this harder on myself but want my last memories to be good.
 

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The plan is that W is headed to a visit a friend in a much further away city than even where we currently are at to the city she met this other guy.

When she lands, i will let her know to check her email. My email will be very simple and not attacking. I wills state i know and i am moving out at the end of the month. As well, i am informing her to not come home until the end of the month. If she decides to come home still then i will leave somewhere. Either way, the kids will be looked after. I even have W working to get some babysitting lined for the kids so i can get some things done to the house...little does she know i will actually use that time to find a place to stay and hopefully start to move.

We signed the papers last night to sell the house - now she is freaking out about where are we going to go. What is interesting is how she was pursuing a job in the city as that guy. After reading an email from W to him the other day, he obviously is not interested in her anymore. Now her push to move to that city is not as intense...

What is so sad for me is that i now see the old W i knew. The guy is obviously out of the mix now, and she has gone back to her old self. I keep telling myself i am doing the right thing, but then question it 100X! I cant forgive her actions right now, I dont trust her and i know that if this guy did try to do more with her, she would be all in. I am and my kids are second/third/fourth in her priorities, and that is something i cant not forgive. Maybe one day i will, but knowing me - that would take a lot of therapy!!

This coming Thursday evening is when i will be delivering the news. Until then, i am enjoying some family moments, taking it all in. I am so going to miss what we had - just destroys me to think about it....maybe i am making this harder on myself but want my last memories to be good.
I dont understand why you are waiting for her to leave and sending her an email to tell her you know. Are you concerned she wont go on the trip? Are you afraid of confrontation? Afraid you will get weak and give in if the tears start to flow?

Are you dropping her off at the airport? If you are I would tell her before she got out of the car, face to face and then give her a second to say something and then tell her it doesnt matter now and pull away. Thats just my opinion. I would definitely want to see her face when you told her you know!
 

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I like the face to face. While you pull her bags out of the trunk hand her them and tell her "I need to move on because there is someone else and it involves infidelity". Don't say "her" infidelity...just say infidelity. Tell her "when she gets settled to check her email and it explains the things I have done".

These play on words will make her think you cheated, then when she see your email telling her what a cheating disloyal tramp she is....she'll figure out you busted here.

Just the though of spending the entire flight thinking you may have cheated on her would be poetic justise!
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Love your thought process. I too want to see her face, but I am doing it this way for a few reasons.

1.She could very well not board the flight. She knows what i am capable of and very likely would stay to watch every move I do.
2. She is going to visit her best friend and will need her to work through this. Dont need her around here crying etc. That is what she has been like for the last month, and dont need to see anymore of it. She is full of guilt...
3. If face to face, the kids will be around and dont want them to hear anything, My daughter has already picked up on some stuff, and dont need her being around this.
4. I control everything - messaging to the kids, friends/family, assets.

Maybe i will send someone on the flight with her to take her picture...that would be well worth the money...
 

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Boogedy, I like you angle. Good for you to not being a sappy lover and being a doormat. Stay strong and I agree your doing the right thing.

Surprise her when she lands with the email, fvck up her world. I like how you are going about it.

More importantly however, think of your kids and look out for them every which way you can. They are your responsibility and do whatever it takes to keep them if you want, if not, make sure your always there for them and have joint custoday.

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. Cheaters don't deserve a 2nd chance, its really hard to turnaround. I know some folks have done it on here, but honestly, I would not and am glad you are a strong natured man to do the same and stand for your rights of your kids and your own self respect.

Good luck and keep us posted, but I wanted to let you know that your doing the right thing by leaving.
 

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It sounds like ou have a solid plan so good for you. I have to commend you on your strength in keeping it together for the kids.

I don't understand why she is crying and professing her love for you, when she know you have no idea whats going on. If I'm correct, she think you don't know about her cheating or the break up...so how does she justify the tears?

If you don't know about the affair then why would she be apoligizing for something you don't know about?

Did I miss something?
 

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Boogedy
OM probably dropped her like a hot potato when he realized she wanted a greater relationship w him. By moving near him it would cramp his style with his other interests.

If you decide at some point to reconcile don't discount the fact that she may be very willing, even, eager to get back with him if he calls out to her again.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Just met with the lawyer today...well, look up the definition of screwed and you will see my face there...Canadian Law states, i will have to pay her 50%+ of my wages because she has been a stay at home mom...40% alone in child support, and that is even with 50/50 custody share. Her actions have no weight into any type of settlement. Instead i am going to need to conjure up crap on her that would be honest. I am sure many of you will say she was honest with me, so why do i need to be honest with her...i guess i am too nice of a guy.

So if i want to minimize what i pay her, i now need to convince her to get a job. I already got her convinced to sell the house, maybe i can do this too...

Lawyer also states for me to not move out until the house sells. Makes some sense to ensure she doesnt sabotage things.

What is sad is that i can now see why people try and work things out. I dont mind paying something, but 50%!!! i can try arbitration but the law is the law up here. Maybe i can guilt her into a settlement - play on her emotions maybe...

To answer some of the previous posting questions:

Tears - She says she is sorry for being such a ***** recently and how horrible it must have been for me to deal with this. I just say "ya"

Samus - Thanks!

Shaggy - Love the Skype idea...maybe i should make his facebook pick my pick...:)
 

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I can say this

Post the OM on cheaterville.com - you can do this today in fact and just keep silent on it until you expose her too.
 
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