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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
We have been married for 2.5 years. We were dating for a year before that and FB 6months before that. My husband and I met in a party atmosphere where everyone was sleeping with everyone and we both have had many drunken walks of shame...
After our marriage he still liked to party loads, was very unresponsible, and childish, often embarassing, but always madly in love with me. I hated him tremendously for the lack of effort he put into anything and ended up despising him over the years for only wanting love and sex from me and not the practical things which also come with marriage like remembering to do things, protecting me, being there for me or being honest. He is an only child mommy's boy, so it has been very difficult for his to see other people's perspective and express compassion and empathy.

He had an ER during the beginning of our relationship with his ex which he was super guilty aobut and cut contact immediately after I found out. He has always sworn, and I know it is true, that he loves me very deeply, almost to the point of obsession at times. I have, in his eyes, never made him feel adequate enough by telling him it quite often and being very disappointed with him many times.
We have both had our ups and downs throughout this marriage but I have always brought us back up as he is a very weak and dependant person, he finds it hard to be productive and wallows in his own pity.

He has has problems with his emotions and aggression when he drinks and this has been a problem for our marriage over the past few years, one which he has found it very hard to admit to and give up. He has always been a heavy drinker...

During a fight two weeks ago, I told him, in a long letter that I was moving out and wanted to end the marriage. He barely replied and spent the entire weekend drunk with his friends and ended up having sex with one of them. ...without a condom. Add to that, she was a friend who came to our wedding.

He claims that he was extremely drunk, doesnt remember much, could barely keep it up and when he awoke the next morning, he felt extremely guilty and remorseful. He came home and told me he wanted to leave the country and go back to his parents, until we talked and fought for hours and decided to give the marriage another shot-and that is when he confessed to his infidelity.

It has been two weeks and I have kicked him out of the house, the flat we bought together. He has quit drinking and is going to AA, he has quit his job and started to work for a job caring for other people. He begs for me to come back and is extremely sorry and remorseful about what he did. He cries every day about it and hates himself, says he feels disgusted with himself and what he has done to me and our marriage. He has booked counselling for both of us and begs me to come. He said he only sees now, as he hit rock bottom, what he lost and he will do anything to win me back. He claims to want to change and be a better person, someone who would never do that kind of thing and make me a happy wife... you know...

Im young, smart, educated and attractive. I would find no problem meeting someone else. My issue is a long divorce and dividing the flat. But I also do miss him immensly and want us to work this out...I just think he is too weak and stupid to fix this and Im still so shocked by it all ... I really dont know what to do...
its just that it is so early on in our marriage. We have no kids, only property investment and it has been a struggle as it is trying to raise this boy into a man, but i do love him very much and he is in many ways quite perfect for me and does bring me happiness. He was my partner and best friend. But when we hit rock bottom, he went and cheated on me...and that scares me... Im not sure he'll ever have the confidence to be a good husband...

I also dont know what to do.

I have read so many threads here but none very similar so if anyone can offer advice on what to do, Im all ears!!
 

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It's very hard for a leopard to change it's spots. But leopards do know how to be cunning during the hunt. Patience it their byword. Then they pounce.

I think the changes are superficial, at least it appears that way. Why don't you file a legal separation agreement. Stay apart legally for at least 6 months. Set some goals for yourself and for him to accomplish during that time.

You are barely into the marriage and he has krapped all over it and you. Sex occurs at most 8 hrs of the 168 during the week - figure out how many hours during the week he spend drinking (bet it's about 20) how many hours during the week did he spend on quality time with you?

Don't let him back into your life until he proves himself and stops whining.
 

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Divorce, if he really wants you he'll clean up his act. When he's done that, tell him to look you up. And IF (that's a big IF) you're still available, you'll think about it.

He's not husband material right now.
 

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Another, you married a little boy. Your husband has the maturity of a 12 year old. The chances of him man'ing up are near zero. He is a loser. You'd be a fool to stay with him. He is poison, toxic to you, your future, and your life. He will make a terrible father. Love is never, ever enough to insure joy in a marriage. Young people make the huge mistake of idealizing Love... and the beatles had it all wrong with their song All You Need Is Love. It is pitifully never enough. It's not going to put a roof over your head, braces in the kid's mouths, food on the table, and it won't even buy you a cup of coffee. Love and good sex are great and essential components to a good marriage, but if that's all you got, you have nothing. My advise is to dump the party scene, the party people, the losers, drunks, etc, flush that toilet and grow up, dump the husband for life, and go on with your life. You say you're smart and such, ok, then move on and make new friends, find new scene, get a new song....Best of luck!!
 

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What does rock bottom really mean? I did D&A counseling for years and I heard the "I hit bottom" line hundreds of times. So he hit rock bottom? And he will never ever do it again. Swear on the Bible, his mother, etc. And God strike me dead if I ever do it again. Rock bottom in D&A work is death. that is really what rock bottom is, because a person can go further down then they were before. How many times did I hear "I would never do that", and when they came crawling back they tell they did exactly that and worse.

His crying is showing immaturity. Can he change and stop fooling around. Yes. But let's look at his pattern. You have a tiff, he leaves, drinks, has sex with someone else, and then runs back to you. I predict that this will be his pattern in the future. How do I know? Past behavior is a fairly good indicator of future behavior.
 
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Why would you wanna spend one more day of your precious life---being married to this total and complete loser

You have an argument---he gets wasted, and has sex---do you think he will ever change---NOT IF HE HAS BEEN BROUGHT UP AS A MOMMA'S BOY

You do what you wish---but staying with him, AS YOU NOW KNOW---WILL BE NOTHING BUT A LIFE OF MISERY FOR YOU

You didn't mention kids---so if there are none---get out, GET OUT RIGHT NOW.

You get one trip, and ONE TRIP ONLY thru life---make it a good one----with him as your H---IT WILL NEVER BE GOOD, AND YOU KNOW IT---so do something about it!!!!!!!!
 

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Look up the 180. Do it, and don't look back. Do not talk to him about anything that isn't related to your divorce. Get some ic and try to get your head on straight. You picked this guy? Why? Surely you knew his faults before you said I do, so why did you marry him? Men (people actually) are not projects for others, they are ongoing projects only for themselves. You don't get a broken one and expect to fix him, or that he will miraculously change.

All you can do is fix you. Work on yourself, figure out what you need, what is healthy, and find it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
wow...thanks for all your replies.
i wasnt expecting these responses at all but i guess you're all right. My husband is just weak and will never grow up. ...what a blow.
i always thought "for better or worse" and a couple can get through these things like stupid infidelity if they both really want to and try ...I guess I just married the wrong man...way too soon as well. :(
How upsetting. I cant believe he did this to us.
 

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Another,

Looks bad. How old are you and your husband by the way?

Probably best to move on. But if you want to try, tell him that you are filing for divorce and while this goes on he has to change his life. You can always date after divorce.

Sounds as if even social drinking is beyond his control. He cannot drink in moderation. Do you want to live with a person who is always struggling with this demon?

Do you have more education that he does? Sounds like he didn't make it through college.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 · (Edited)
Another,

Looks bad. How old are you and your husband by the way?

Probably best to move on. But if you want to try, tell him that you are filing for divorce and while this goes on he has to change his life. You can always date after divorce.

Sounds as if even social drinking is beyond his control. He cannot drink in moderation. Do you want to live with a person who is always struggling with this demon?

Do you have more education that he does? Sounds like he didn't make it through college.
We are both 28. We both never went to university, but I have always been more ambitious in working my way up the ladder quite quickly-when we met, he was a bartender and I was a Business Development Manager on a good salary-so there has always been a gap in career achievements between us. A few years ago we decided to go back to University together and start a new life. At the moment, he is completing his medical degree and I am currently completing my law degree.

He has always had a drinking obsession-being a bartender he is around it all the time. His friends all are drinks industry people and they drink heavily too....and they don't do much else tbh.

Since the incident, he has cut contact with all his friends and changed his number. He says he realises now that he was an alcoholic and he wants nothing to do with "that life"...and i enjoy going out, and don't have an addiction with it...but i have to ask myself: do i want to spend the rest of my life with someone who cant go out and party with me?

This is just so tragic for me. We both completely changed our lives to be together, bought a very expensive flat and completely planned a new future together and then he went and cheated on me because he couldnt hack the responsibility of being a husband. ....oh, but NOW apparently he wants to change...is that even possible?
 

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Don't waste any more time on this pos.. People don't change who they are, and this guy isn't ready to be married. Its possible that will change but even if it does it could be years; are you willing to risk that much of your life? And now he's booked counseling, which is the piece of crap's response to everything in order to drag things out: how is you going to counseling with him going to force him to grow up and not be a drinking piece of crap? IC might be order for him but it has nothing to do with you. "For better or worse" doesn't mean people can behave however they want, it means the sh!t that life throws your way. Get rid of him. Now.
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He was drunk and doesnt remember much...but he remembers he could barely get it up...lol love it...oh the excuses

from what little youve spilled, i cant imagine why you would want to stick around...he wants to be party boy and once you forgive him he will be right back at it...
 

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You two have been on different paths your whole marriage. Let him find his own way. You'll do fine.

He's in nursing I suppose? That's a hotbed of opportunities for people who are inclined to have affairs and he's predisposed.

You're very young... just starting adulthood so it's time to make adult decisions.
 

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Hi A,

Sorry to hear of your dilemma with you H.

He is an only child mommy's boy, so it has been very difficult for his to see other people's perspective and express compassion and empathy.

For me this is the biggest issue right here, no accountability for his actions, entitlement and pure selfishness.

Think yourself lucky it's been just a couple of years, you don't want to look back at your life and have bigger regrets honestly.

And you are so young your wonderful life is ahead of you.

We can't save them and they are broken inside its a very sad situation one I have learned recently myself.

Do what you need to do to make yourself feel better, worthy and loved like others have said by a real man.

peace
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I'm such a moron. I cant believe I married this idiot. What a waste of my time and money. So typical that I should have known how weak and cowardly he is to want to do something like this rather than grow up.

You are all right. I can't change him, he won't change and who wants to be married to someone who has slept with your friend-so easily like that?

I've learned my lesson about marrying for love-its stupid and love doesn't exist. One has to earn and create love through the gestures and ways people treat each other.

I don't believe that cheating is reason for divorce, but i certainly think that continual impertinent behaviour and reliance on the other person to always be the better person in a marriage is reasons for divorce.

Thank you all for the suggestions and advice. What a disappointment. What a prick.
 

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I'm such a moron. I cant believe I married this idiot. What a waste of my time and money. So typical that I should have known how weak and cowardly he is to want to do something like this rather than grow up.

You are all right. I can't change him, he won't change and who wants to be married to someone who has slept with your friend-so easily like that?

I've learned my lesson about marrying for love-its stupid and love doesn't exist. One has to earn and create love through the gestures and ways people treat each other.

I don't believe that cheating is reason for divorce, but i certainly think that continual impertinent behaviour and reliance on the other person to always be the better person in a marriage is reasons for divorce.

Thank you all for the suggestions and advice. What a disappointment. What a prick.
Well, you certainly seem to have hit the nail on the head!

Good luck. It will probably get harder before it gets easier, so remember many of us on here have been through what you are going through and we're ready to give advice, help and support.

Take care.
 

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I dont disagree that he may be a mommas boy, a prick and certainly a cheater. But this may all be underpinned by his addiction issues.

If he commits to a programme of recovery, he may change. It does happen. Not often.....but it does.
 

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Good decision.

Even if you stayed with him, you would never trust him again even if you wanted to.

He was so drunk that he took his clothes off, jumped into bed with your friend and started going for it and even remembered he couldn't get it up? He wasn't THAT drunk. Did he think you would feel better if said he couldn't get it up? And how would you ever know what really happened anyway.

Cheaters will say anything and use any excuse.

Would you have married him if you knew he would do this?

You haven't spent too much time on him, only 2.5 years. That's nothing compared to many BS on here.

I only have one word for you. . . RUN! :D
 
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