Talk About Marriage banner

41 - 45 of 45 Posts

·
Administrator
Joined
·
43,565 Posts
I apologize for not replying individually to each of you. I had posted previously, but as dumb as it sounds, I was editing my post to add some info - and ended up deleting most of the post. As a result, the thread was locked- for there was no context to my issues. If had pasted the entire the contents of my post elsewhere, I could have added the deleted portion, but as the old adage goes, hindsight is 20: 20. Once again apologies for the mess up.
It's all fixed now. All's well that ends well. :D

[B][I]EleGirl[/I][/B]: I want to thank you for your advice. I was not aware that I could go for counseling myself. I will see a doctor/counsellor and seek treatment. I might be depressed as you say. I must say that in most situations I have been very strong, and may be should do the same here too.

Most people go through depression when things are not going well in their lives. Sadly depression makes it hard to clearly address the issues and fix them. If you fix your depression, the solution will be much easier to figure out and to follow through on. (Assuming you are depressed. I'm not diagnosing you here. Just replying to what I think might be part of the problem you are having.)

I am sorry if I sounded like someone that does not take responsibility - that I am blaming the others involved. In all situations (maybe this is an exception), I stand by my actions and inactions - I do not blame others for things that happened to me. Rightfully said, there might have been a better way to deal with it. Probably I was too much consumed by the situation, felt ashamed or guilty of inaction - which is why my post might come as one where I have shifted the blame.
Often a person can very responsible in their professional life but their personal life gets the better of them. Don't beat up on yourself about that. There are ways to fix this.

To everyone else that has provided inputs, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. You could have chosen to just ignore this as "another rant:". That you chose to respond is something I do not take lightly.
We have a lot of good people here. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
Discussion Starter #42
EleGirl:
Most people go through depression when things are not going well in their lives. Sadly depression makes it hard to clearly address the issues and fix them. If you fix your depression, the solution will be much easier to figure out and to follow through on. (Assuming you are depressed. I'm not diagnosing you here. Just replying to what I think might be part of the problem you are having.)
Thank you so much for that thoughtful advice. I have never been to mental health specialist or counsellor.
Really I do not know the difference between the two.Are they different as far as "roles" go?
In medicine, we have different branches like cardiology, dermatology etc. Is there a particular "kind" of psychiatrist I should see?
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
43,565 Posts
Thank you so much for that thoughtful advice. I have never been to mental health specialist or counsellor.
Really I do not know the difference between the two. Are they different as far as "roles" go?
In medicine, we have different branches like cardiology, dermatology etc. Is there a particular "kind" of psychiatrist I should see?
I found some sites that address your question about what type of doctor/professional to see for depression ...



 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
Discussion Starter #44
I am sure some of you might have found my post very confusing: I started a thread - It's like a college essay - maybe more, so please forgive me if that is wordy. So this is what happened... I thought I was editing the thread to add information, and accidentally deleted most of it. I re-wrote the whole thing because I had not "cut n past (ed)" the matter elsewhere.

This is not a thread in the traditional sense, so sorry about that. That said, let me thank all those who tried to add their perspectives to my situation. I will try to answer the questions that some posed before, to give some context, after which you get a chance to read my long and winding story:


Openminded

You said: My advise is that you accept it or you move on. It’s not possible to change either your MIL or your wife. They’re going to do what they want so you’ll have to do what you want — whatever that might be.
My response: I am looking to see if that will work in my current situation
EleGirl:
Thank you so much for the books you mentioned and advice you offered.
You asked:
Do you talk to your wife a lot either on the phone or on something like Skype when she's in India?
My response: I talked every day on the phone until about 4 days back. I stopped talking to her after a phone call turned out to be a fight. My daughter yelled at me over the phone for “treating her (mom) that way. I don’t feel like talking to either of them I just know I am very upset.

frusdil
I haven’t arrived at a decision yet. I Know that while divorce may be an easy way out, that’s not always a solution.
I am torn between divorce and finding another solution. I don’t know who to pin the responsibility wit, for the situation .. precisely why I posted on this forum to get different perspectives.

Its hard to advise you when you've deleted most of your original post.
Thank you Frusdil and others here:
Here’s the story:

There has to be a context to every situation. Some of them are cultural, age, etc. So I am a South Asian from India - Highly educated, widely travelled, work in IT (like most brown dues from India do). I also happen to be married for 25 years, and have a daughter that is 22 years old. Typical Story from South Asia - but has a twist. This is a toxic marriage, and if you ask me why I lived through this for so long, I was dumb, numb and crazy.

Short courtship and marriage - a good wife and a JEALOUS, INSECURE, MANIPULATIVE widowed "Mother in law" (MIL)that is root cause of the break up, waiting to happen..

So what happened? Everything was hunky dory till we were in India. I decide to move to the west in 2000 and the troubles begin.

Step 1: I go by myself to "Settle down" in the new country. The wife stays with her mom for over a year. The "indoctrination", the "emotional blackmail" begins. She keeps telling my wife how she feels betrayed, let down, lonely because she (my wife) will join me in abroad.

Step 2: The wife gets influenced by her mom, starts making long yearly trips to India, We end up raking thousands of dollars in credit card debt. The wife takes my daughter out of school for months on end to join her in her trips to India.

Consequences: The relationship is falling apart, the wife keeps getting guilt tripped and we are sinking in debt. Meanwhile the wife keeps threatening me because "I Separated her from her family" (Read Mom), because the wife's siblings are themselves married and live by themselves. While all this happening, the MIL is living by herself. We have frequent fights and I am guilt tripped to believing that I am a "BAD PERSON" because I separated daughter from Mom. Years go by and the relationship is now in tatters - Thank you Mother in law!. Your manipulation has worked... Congrats!

What now? (
Fast forward 25 + years) I feel worthless, down, frustrated, depressed and lose all self esteem. The daughter who is now 22 joins her mom in isolating me while ruining me financially (She goes to an out of state school, runs thousands of dollars in Uber/flight expenses, and I end up discharging her debt. Why did I do that? I am painted in a corner by the Mom-Daughter duo, and I am a coward and wimp. The daughter becomes a "social media influencer" gets a high paying job and thumbs her nose at Dad. She is ungrateful, and rude, to say the least.

Then what? I am very lost, confused, distressed and depressed. Meanwhile I am also busy with work. When I am not at work, I think of taking my own life. I think that will put en end to misery. I will no longer feel the anguish, I will no longer feel worthless, and they (my wife and daughter) will cry some, and go on with their lives. The wife will go to live with her mom, the daughter will cary on with her job.

So why won't I do it?
I am a coward, I don't have the courage to do that. There are myriads of questions that criss cross my mind All those "WHAT IF" questions. What if I don't succeed in my suicide attempt? What if I am saved and am a nervous wreck? What if I become a "vegetable". What if I survive and then have pain for the rest of my life? . Then someone tells me that if I killed myself, I would be reborn to re-live the rest of my natural life (Does that make sense? I don't know. I am also asking myself how I'lll hurt my immediate family, my mom, and my siblings. OK, the wife and daughter won't miss me, but won't I punish others - my siblings, my dear friends with what I did? I don't know, and so I am still alive!

Plan B: My plan B is to physically separate from the wife. At some time we can go in for a divorce. During one of the fights we had recently I told her that this wasn't working. She didn't say anything except "It's OK" . I don't know what this means, but for my sanity, for my self respect and for me to earn towards my retirement, I need to do this. This is not to punish the wife or daughter. This is after all these years, ABOUT ME.

The wife can live with her mom, and the daughter can get on with her life.

I have many questions :

1) Am I doing something wrong? My wife is educated, but has never led her own life, doing stuff for herself - for the last 25 + years.

2) Despite all that she had done with her frequent absences, she's a good person in many ways. I still love her (I am angry at myself for being a wimp). Is this a contradiction of sorts? Should I not be hating her for ruining my life? I can't seem to do that.

3) My question is how do I face the "separation"? Is there a silver bullet to ease the pain (does that line even make sense?) or is there a set of rules I can follow to distract myself from the pain?

Please help with your views and advice...... and Yes, I might have more questions. Thanks for your patience and understanding!!
 
41 - 45 of 45 Posts
Top