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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So, I've been struggling in my marriage for sometime for various reasons. (BiPolar husband that drinks and has some other health issues, and can be mean)

Things have been going Okay(sorta) for a few months, and I have continued to be very frustrated. Often my husband will blow up on me, and then apologize. This has went on for years. I am not innocent and often react by yelling or walking away. Lately, I've just been refusing to fight. Refusing to defend myself in order to shorten the outburst, and not escalate it. This has caused me a ton of frustrations. Beside the fact that we have not been physically intimate in several months....despite treatment from a doctor, no improvement. It's killing me.

So, LAST NIGHT, we had a house guest. Against my better judgement I let my husband get a lot of beer to enjoy with his friend. I decided to indulge in some wine(which I rarely do), so I guess this was against my better judgement as well....

And, well, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!
I do know that I lost my cool. And I remember feeling like I had been threatened by my husband, but I remember very little. I mostly remember my house guest intervening and separating us. (The house guest said I caused all of this? And that he would speak to my husband about the way he handled it in the morning) I'm having a hard time believing that I just started a fight. It's not my nature, when drinking, I get happy, and I remember being happy most of the night and then going to bed feeling terrified. Why was I feeling so terrified if I hadn't been threatened? Why would I feel threatened if I was the aggressor? It makes no sense, and this is why drinking is usually against my better judgement.

Both husband and house guest are still sleeping. I had a few unkind words from my husband this morning. He called me stupid, and said that he feels so afraid of me? What? I know I didn't hit him or anything like that. So the worst I can imagine is I freaked out due to pent up frustration. Maybe I revealed details about our marriage that I shouldn't have in front of a house guest.

Now, I'm worried that my husband will leave me(I really wanted to be the one doing the leaving because he's been so wrong for so long). Maybe this needed to happen? I don't know? I feel absolutely horrible and embarrassed.

Does anyone think this is grounds for divorce on my husband's part? Have any of you ever had anything like this happen? If so, how do I make it better? I know I need to get to the bottom of my frustrations in a healthy manner to avoid these types of things. Did I just kill my marriage last night? Is that such a bad thing? (It is. I just want things to work, but am not sure they ever can with how things have been for the past 7yrs or so.) This is getting long, so I'll go, and look forward to any replies or advice. Thank you in advance.
Muchoconfuso (still..........)
 

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Why would you want to stay married, if you are so unhappy in your marriage? You do not need grounds. Those days are long over.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I don't know why I want to stay married anymore. I do love this man. He has been a very good provider and sometimes a great friend.
I don't want to fail. And I don't want to be alone. I also don't want him to be alone. (I worry about his health constantly, and take care of him)
Would you divorce your wife if she had a drunken outburst? Maybe I'm over reacting about what i did. I fear divorce. this is why I feel this way.
 

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Now I'm confused. Are you scared of him divorcing you only because you wanted to be the one knitiating the divorce as you said above?

And the first thing you say after you love him is he is a good provider. Is this really just about money? Is that why you stay?
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
It's only about money because he makes lots of threats regarding money. A counselor once called it financial abuse. (I have pre-marital property(a home) to fall back on, but he's threatened to take that from me too. It's now in my parents name for my protection)

And, no I don't want to be the one doing the divorcing. I want to avoid it, but have to admit that I've thought about it a lot more lately.
I'm sorry if I'm confusing you. I guess I'm just letting the thoughts flow as they come.

Now, he's awakened and told me to NEVER speak about what happened last night. This makes me think he did something wrong and doesn't want it revealed.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
And now he's made me repeat the words, "I will never speak of last night again". He's also told me to fear repercussions should I bring it up. (I'm always under some kind of threat)

He's also told me that if I ask any questions about anything today then there will be "repercussions". I'm walking on eggshells. I'm tired. And yes, still confused as to why I want this to work.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
And now the divorce threats are coming. Saying I will be left penniless. While I don't believe that's possible, and don't want to be dependent on him if divorced. He is mean and I am starting to feel like this may be for the best. I did not want to fail at this thing called marriage. But why be unhappy.
He's never went through with divorce threats before.
He seems serious now, and I feel really calm(which is not usual when being threatened with divorce) I almost don't believe him. I am feeling bad for my behavior last night. But the truth is, I have been thinking it's time to separate or divorce for awhile, kind of making peace with it in my head. Our marriage has been broken for a long time, maybe from the start. I realize this, but really hoped for a better result. Why does it seem so scary to carry through with the obvious solution?
He's threatening to block access to accounts, and vehicles. What are my next steps. Doesn't he have to work out an amicable agreement? He can't just cut me off cold, can he?

I am going to align my allies, family and friends, and make plans.
I need help on where to start.
 

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Start with a lawyer and know your option. Your lawyer will tell you whats what and if your old man is full of crap.
Consulting a lawyer is your best bet in finding what your man is say is true.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I have emailed a friend who's a lawyer. She'll give me the strait dope on the subject. I hate that he makes these threats. It's like he just wants me to feel bad.
Again, this is also the day after I embarrassed him and myself in front of a guest. My husband seems to want to punish me for that. But the truth is that the marriage has been rocky for awhile.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Well, this has been very hard. For example, I asked what I did first thing this morning. My husband first said, nobody knows, but you just freaked out. He will not give any other details. I'm thinking I may have said some embarrassing things, and maybe my frustrations with my marriage.
He refuses to give any details. I casually said, how can I apologize when I don't know what I even did. And he said, I should just feel very bad.
Now he's back to not talking about anything or communicating. (This was after a bunch of divorce threats, and now he says we can't talk about anything unless he wants too. I said that wasn't fair and he replied that this is not about fair)
I suggested that we be cordial, respectful, and cooperative just for today. So, far he's complied.
I'm very tempted to ask questions about what's coming...divorce papers, etc, or if he can forgive me. How can this one act ruin everything. If I know him like I think I do, then I can guarantee that he was escalating the situation last night. Perhaps even taunting me. I do remember going to bed feeling threatened and unsafe.
I feel like I'm being manipulated and I don't know exactly how to stop it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Is also suggest giving up the drink!
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I couldn't agree more!
(I rarely drink, and have bad results when I do.) Not a good reason, but sometimes I just feel so frustrated with my husband drinking week after week, that I just want to give in and have a release. But it definitely does not pay. It's never worth it. I wish I had been smarter. It's too late now.

Could I have really done anything that bad, why will he not tell me?
 

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If it was that bad I'm sure he would have told you what it was!
Maybe you didn't do anything?
Is there a chance he's playing mind games with you?
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
and why would this be the final straw(for him). I'm thinking he's embarrassed and that I didn't do anything too terrible. The worst I can think is that I may have expressed frustration with our marriage or his health problems.
 
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